Breakdown
by Elevate
Summary: They tried to replace him, and he was hurt. How could they not see what this was doing to him? The consequences of "Big Time Concert". Rated for mentions of depression and cursing in later chapters.
1. Chipped

**A/N #1 **This is my very first story I have ever put onto this site. I've been a huge addict to this stie for a very long time, and I've finally decided to stop being selfish by reading everyone else's stories and now I'm giving back to all of you, so please be nice!

**A/N #2 **Takes place right after "Big Time Concert"

Breakdown

Chapter 1: Chipped

The four members of BTR were on a high. They had just completed their first concert, and it had gone great! Well, other than the kidnapping and the fact that there almost hadn't been a concert. But in the end, there had been, and what a success it turned out to be!

"That...was...AWESOME!" Carlos gushed as he and his three best friends clamoured into their manager's sleek white limo. He gabbed on and on about how they were real celebrities now, and that this was only the beginning. Kendall and Logan joined in on the gushing, but James stayed silent, lost in his own conflicting thoughts.

_They tried to replace me. What were they thinking? _Were _they thinking? _

_Of course they were thinking, idiot. They were thinking about moving on, since you made it so obvious that you were ready to do so._

_They were the ones who didn't want to get the band back together in the first place. They shouldn't have moved on that quickly. They weren't even the ones who wanted to be famous in the first place! It was me! All me-_

"James?" The pretty boy snapped out of his internal arguement and blinked up at the three concerned looking faces peering over at him.

"Yeah?"

Logan's frown deepened. "Are you okay? You were talking to yourself. You must be really tired."

James shook his head_. Oops_. "No. Yeah. I mean, I'm fine, just...tired, like you said." He leaned his head back and sighed, closing his eyes. "It's been a long week."

The boys, naturally, were exhausted when they finally returned to 2J at one in the morning. Kaite and Mrs. Knight had returned earlier and were already sleeping, so the boys quickly and quietly headed off to bed. Kendall and Logan fell asleep as soon as their heads hit their pillows.

In their room, Carlos and James sat up, chatting softly.

"Aren't you excited, James? I thought you'd be more...I don't know, happy. Your dream was to become famous, and now look at us. We just finished our first concert! And the best part is, we did it together."

James felt anger boil up inside of him at Carlos's last words. _Together. _Yeah, barely. If he hadn't come back, they never would have had a successful turn out. They would be on a plane, heading back to Minnesota right now if it wasn't for James and his selfless ways.

Then James's reflected on something else Carlos had just said. _Your dream was to become famous. _Your _dream. _Yes, it _had _been _his _dream. Not theirs. So what right did they have going and replacing him, when they wouldn't even be a band if he had never wanted to go to the audition in the first place? _Oh, that's right, _James thought nastily to himself. _They don't._

"James!"

For a second time that night, James jumped as he was jerked out of his mind's babble by his name being called.

James couldn't see Carlos in the dark, but he knew the Latino was looking expectanly in his general direction.

"I'm am excited, Carlos. Tonight was...amazing." _Yeah, the part where you sang and forgot momentarily everything that's happened. _"I'm just pretty much dead on my feet, so-"

"But your not standing," Carlos confused voice mumbled. He sounded tired, too, something unusual for the normally energetic boy. Tonight really had sapped them of all their energy. James suspected that the stress of what had almost happened was a pretty large contributing factor to their sheer exhaustion, as well.

He rolled his eyes in the dark. "Expression, Carlos. It means I'm-" He cut himself off with a loud yawn.

Carlos chuckled slightly. "Yeah, me too."

"We can squeal like girls about how epic tonight was in the morning," James added tiredly. _Yeah, more like you guys can do that while I put on the same fake smile I've been wearing all night._

"Okay! Good night James. And...great job tonight."

James felt his heart tug a little at that. Carlos was so innocent. He obviously hadn't meant to hurt James by trying to keep the band going without him. He'd just gone along with Logan and Kendall, that was all.

_Still, _the little devil on James's right shoulder debated, _he has a mind of his own. He could have went against them, if he knew it was the right thing to do._

James shoved his pillow over his face to prevent himself from screaming out in frustration. He didn't want to stay awake all night contemplating this. He really was tired. So James shoved the tirading voices from his mind and let the softness of his pillow and the warmth of his blankets and the silence of the night sweep him away into the land of dreams. He didn't even realize he had forgotten to reply to Carlos.

**A/N **So, I know it's short and not very good. I'm sorry about that. But it's just the first chapter. I wanted to get into James's mind a little bit, but I need to save the angsty stuff for later chapters.

I don't want to sound like I'm begging, but this is my first story, so please please review and let me know if I'm doing a good job so far. And all you experienced writers, a little constructive criticism can never hurt!

Thank you so much for reading!


	2. Cracked

**Disclaimer: **Right, I didn't put one last chapter, and I'm too lazy to do it for all the chapters, so just put it this way: If I owned BTR there'd be a new episode every night, and they would all be two hours long. Therefore, no, I do not own Big Time Rush.

Breakdown

Chapter 2: Cracked

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!" Logan cursed quietly as he glared down at his fist. Carlos and Kendall's hands were flat, indicating paper. Since Logan didn't match them, he was the loser.

"Kendall...you're stronger than me..." the smart boy whined. He was desperate to get out of this. It was the one thing the three dreaded when it was their responsibility more than absolutely anything else they could ever possibly have to do.

Kendall gave Logan his signature smirk and eyebrow raise. "True. But _I'm _not stronger than _him, _which means I don't want to do it, either."

"Yeah, but you're not afraid of anything."

"Actually, there are two things I'm afraid of. A lucky comb-less James and a tired, early morning James." The blonde turned a friendly pat on the back into a rough shove toward James and Carlos' room.

"Good luck," Carlos whispered, grinning.

_Of course he'd be happy, he's not the one about to be mauled by a six foot one cranky teenage male, _Logan thought bitterly.

His legs were shaking so bad he could hardly keep upright by the time he got to the closed door. He turned to see Kendall and Carlos' heads peeking around the corner. They waved him forward encouragingly.

Logan sighed. "There's no getting out of this," he grumped.

Logan sucked in a shaky breath and placed his hand on the knob. Then he turned it, ever-so-slowly, pointlessly procrastinating. He was going to be killed no matter how long he stalled. He knew from experience though, that it was better to just get it over with as quick as possible. The sooner the pain came, the sooner it went away.

Logan entered the room, which was still dark except for the teenie amount of light coming in from the blinds, creating slits of dim sunlight on the blue carpet. James hated waking up to the sun trying to destroy his corneas. Actually, he hated waking up. Period.

Especially when it was this early, but it was important, and Logan knew James would much rather deal with a little blinding sunlight than a screaming, raging producer who could fire them at any given moment for being mere seconds late.

Logan crept silently over to the bed, not caring that it was pointless to be quiet when he would be waking the brunette in a second, anyway.

Logan reached a tense hand out, ready to jerk back at the slightest detection of any sudden movement. "James," he whispered, so quietly he could hardly hear himself.

A small giggle from the doorway caused him to spin around and glare. Carlos stood there with his hand over his mouth, while Kendall leaned against the frame beside him, still smirking. Logan mouthed a few choice words, making the smirk transform into a grin that mirrored Carlos', and now Kendall was almost laughing.

Logan shook his head and turned back to the still form buried under the sheets. "James," he repeated, about one decibel louder. He began shaking James' shoulder, gently at first, then rougher. "_James! _Wake up!"

Hazel eyes peeked up from beneath narrowed brows, and Logan gulped, backing up a step or five. He smiled sheepishly. "Please?"

James sighed and rolled onto his back, gazing up at the ceiling. "You're lucky I have no energy to be mad, Logan."

Logan laughed nervously. "I, uh, um, sorry. G-Gustavo called and said he wants us at the studio in an hour and a half. I know he said we'd have the day off, but apparently something important came up," he explained, growing more confident when he realized that James wasn't about to roll out of bed to deliver his death sentence...just yet.

James groaned and snatched his pillow from under his head and smushed it over his face. The one morning he wakes up with a killer headache, and they have to go into the studio when he was expecting to have been able to sleep it off for another four hours. Lovely.

"James, hey, come on, you know suffocating yourself won't help. Gustavo would probably have Freight Train give you mouth-to-mouth, then make us sing ten songs. Get up."

The pillow was pulled forcefully off of James' head, and he groaned again and tried to hide under the blankets when Logan turned around. James heard the shades being pulled up, and he squirmed deeper beneath the covers, which were automatically flung to the floor by a now irritated Logan.

"James, come on, the rest of us are just as tired as you, but we've been up for half an hour. So just suck it up, okay?"

Logan almost never got snappy like that, and he immediately felt bad, especially when he noticed how considerably pale James looked now that he could see him. "Hey, are you alright?" he asked, softening his voice.

James sat up and gripped his head in his hands.

"James?"

James forced himself to smile reassuringly up at Logan. "I'm fine, just a little overwhelmed I guess. Last night hardly seems real, you know?"

Logan nodded, not convinced. "Right. I do know. Is that it, though? Nothing else is bothering you? You feel okay? Stressed, over-tired? Just plain sick? You need to tell us these things."

"I-I'm fine." James stood up and instantly regreted his choice of words when he found himself collapsing back onto the bed, fighting dizziness. That was one way to show he was lying.

"James!" Logan sat on the bed next to his friend and pressed his wrist against his forehead, relieved when he felt no sign of fever. Then he scrutinized his friend. His eyes were closed, head resting in his hands, and his breaths were slighty laboured, like he was forcing back nausea. He looked the furthest thing from _fine._

"James, the truth, now."

James opened his eyes and fixated his gaze on Logan's serious face. "It's just a little headache, that's all. I swear. Like I said, I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed from this past week. I'm sure that's all it is." He stood again, slower, and this time the room didn't swirl around him. "I have to get ready." He moved to leave the room.

"Wait!" Logan grabbed James' wrist and pulled him back.

"What?" Now James was irritated. Logan knew how long it took him to get his hair to fall just perfect. He needed every last second of his remaining hour and twenty-six minutes.

"First you said you're feeling overwhelmed from last night. Then you just said from this _week." _Logan stared suspiciously into his friends eyes. "What's going on, James?"

James mentally kicked himself for slipping up like that. He didn't want his friends to know what was really bothering him. He wasn't sure what that would cause, and he didn't want to find out.

"Yeah. I mean, all the rehearsals and practice and...stuff. It's no cake walk, Logan. You were there."

"James. That stuff was all _last _week. This week was...well, you know what went on this week."

James nodded, eager to end this conversation as quickly as possible. "Yeah, yeah, right. I know. I meant to say last week."

"James-"

"This hair isn't going to style itself," James blurted, and before Logan could react, the taller boy raced out the door and was gone.

Logan sighed and looked around the room. One of James' pillows had fallen to the floor. His blanket was all crumpled up, and the sheet was halfway off the bed. Logan frowned at this. James had always been a pretty sound sleeper. It wasn't like him to wake up and move around in the night.

And the way he'd acted when he woke up. Headaches? Not a James Diamond type of thing. Not attempting to weasel his way into five more minutes of beauty rest? Strange...

Yep. Something was definitely bothering him. That much was easy to see. Now came the hard part: figuring out what it was.

* * *

><p>How was it? I tried to make it longer. Hope it's okay!<p>

See that button down there? That one, right there. Yep, the one that says 'Review this Chapter'.

It's there for a reason. ;)


	3. Snapped

Breakdown

Chapter 3: Snapped

The four exhausted boys shuffled wearily into the studio and came to a stop in front of Gustavo. Carlos let out a huge yawn without covering his mouth. James could hardly keep his eyes open. Kendall was swaying back and forth, and Logan was alternating between humming and chewing his lip to the point where it hurt in a desperate attempt to keep himself awake.

"DOGS! WAKE UP!"

At the sound of Gustavo's booming voice, the boys were all instantly snapped out of their dazed trances. They opened their eyes wide and waited for the news that would qualify as much anticipated if they weren't practically falling asleep standing up.

"I have some GREAT news for you." Gustavo paused to make sure they were paying attention. They were. Their eyes opened a little wider, and they leaned forward, now half awake and dying to hear what the producer had to say. "Since you dogs did a pretty decent job at the concert-" Kelly elbowed him in the side none-too-gently. "-Since you dogs did such an..._amazing..._job at the concert, Griffin has decided he wants you to go on tour in two extra cities."

The reaction was instantaneous. All fours boys shouted out variations of excited cries while grabbing each others arms and jumping up and down as if they had just won in the last second of overtime in the most important hockey match of their lives.

Even James was genuinely elated, until all the jumping reminded him that he still had a splitting headache despite the aspirin he'd taken, which in turn brought his thoughts back once again to the fact that he didn't really feel like part of this band anymore.

"Griffin now has you guys down for Chicago and Missouri as well," Kelly told them once they'd composed themselves somewhat. Gustavo gave them the dates and times and other relevant information and was about to yell at them to get into the recording booth when Kelly gave him another elbow jab and cleared her throat.

"Right... Dogs, you may...leave," Gustavo allowed reluctantly.

"Whoo!" Kendall, Logan, and Carlos let out joyous cheers and bolted from the studio. James wandered a bit behind them, not in the mood for running, physically or emotionally.

Carlos hustled up to him when he finally emerged from Rocque Records about a minute after them. "James, come on man, aren't you happy _now? _You can't still be tired after hearing that we owned the stage so well we're touring in _two more cities!_"

James winced. He'd have to do a much better job with acting normal if he was ever going to convince his friends that nothing was bothering him. _You're _James Diamond. _You're The _Face, he told himself. _You can do this, no problem. You're an act- ah... _aspiring _actor. Nobody sees through you that easily._

James put on his girl-melting, room-brightening smile and forced a laugh that sounded more like he was choking. "Of course I'm not tired _now, _Carlos. This is the best thing that's happened to me since I came to LA!"

His three friends stopped their giddy cheering and stared at him, suddenly serious. "What do you mean since _you _came to LA?" Kendall demanded.

James felt his face go hot, and he stuttered to get out a reply. "Oh, uh, n-no, I meant we. Since _we _came to LA. Duh." _And this is why if singing fails, you should go into modeling. Not. Acting._

Kendall raised his eyebrows and didn't say anything else about it. A slip of the tongue? Not likely.

Carlos thought nothing of it. Logan had the same suspicions as Kendall. Now he was _sure _something was going on with James, and he knew it was due to recent events, too. But what exactly?

James pretended to laugh off his 'mistake', but in all reality, he'd actually almost gagged on the words. He'd meant what he said the first time. It just didn't feel right saying 'we', and James knew why. _Because it doesn't feel like there's a 'we' anymore._

* * *

><p>James couldn't believe the guys hadn't noticed the changes. Sure, they'd caught his silly little slip-up earlier, but were they really taking no notice whatsoever of the fact that he wasn't as happy as he'd been before all this had gone down? Granted, it'd only been a day since the concert, but already he could feel himself drifting away from them. Couldn't they see that?<p>

James also wondered how they could possibly believe that he would take this all in stride and pretend like the whole band breaking up thing hadn't happened. Just because he was back didn't mean he was enjoying it. It didn't mean he forgave his friends for continuing on without him. What if he hadn't gone back to them and the record deal with Hawke never fell through? His friends certainly wouldn't take him back after they'd found a 'new James'- _not that _anyone _could _ever _replace me- _James thought cockily. Then it'd be like _they_ were living _his_ dream- without him.

A slow rage slowly began to settle over James. That was exactly what his 'friends' had been doing. They were going to go on living his dream when none of them cared about being famous in the first place.

_Friends. What a stupid word. _Friends are supposed to be there for you no matter what. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan hadn't been there for James. When BTR was forced to call it quits and James had insisted that they do everything in their power to keep the band going, the others had told him it was a stupid idea and had left him out to dry. What was he supposed to do if he wasn't singing? The Minnesota Wilds weren't inviting _him _to skate with them. _He _wasn't smart enough to be a doctor. So, the other three band members could have went happily about with their lives without being affected, but what about him? _What about me? _

James was shaking now, as pure anger rifled through his body. He gritted his teeth so hard his jaw ached. He didn't care. He was mad, and, gorgeous as he was, when Diamonds get mad, it's _never _pretty.

Just as suddenly as the anger came, it was gone, replaced by numbness as James considered something else. Kendall had been the one Gustavo had wanted. Not him. Kendall was the one Gustavo always praised. Not him. If Kendall's short temper cause any havoc, it was okay, because he was the bad boy. Kendall, Kendall, Kendall.

Then there was Logan. He was kind, a genius, totally lovable. Gustavo hadn't been too keen on Logan at the start, but he had taken the smallest bit of a liking to him, which was more than James could say for himself.

Carlos. Who wouldn't love Carlos? He was never in a sour mood, he never got tired while recording songs or perfecting dance moves...Gustavo didn't have favourites, but Carlos was definitely Kelly's favourite. Maybe even Griffin's. Mr. X's for sure. Nobody could resist innocent little Carlos.

_What about me? _There was the question again, pleading to be answered, though James really didn't want to think about it. What about him? He couldn't get mad without consequences like Kendall. He wasn't smart enough to geek his way out of any situation like Logan. He wasn't a careless ball of fun and endless excitment like Carlos. He was just...pretty. Other than that, he had nothing going for him. Yes, he had his voice, but what good was that when he was surrounded by three that were nearly as good as his and belonged to more...likeable people?

Just like the anger, the numbness that had spread throughout James' body evaporated as a different emotion rammed into James like a semi. Pathetic as it seemed, with all these realizations coming to light, James was...sad.

* * *

><p>Logan sat on his bed and lost himself in his thoughts for what seemed like hours.<p>

Something was really bothering James. He hadn't been himself since the concert. He seemed...distant. Like he wasn't as comfortable around him and Kendall and Carlos for some unknown reason. They'd known each other forever, since pre- K, so why was he acting so strangely around them?

Logan couldn't even explain _how _it was that James was acting differently. He just was. He was uncharacteristically quiet and withdrawn, and it had only just started last night.

It couldn't possibly be because they were looking for a replacement for him? Logan shook his head at the thought. James knew there was no way anyone could ever replace him. He was far too special. There was only one James Diamond in the world, and that was the James Diamond that Logan and Kendall and Carlos wanted to sing with for the rest of their careers, and even after that. If only James knew that.

Logan jumped up. Maybe James was feeling betrayed and wasn't quite ready to trust his friends yet- the thought sent a pang of guilt careening through Logan's heart- but if they could show him, _right now_, how they really felt about him, then maybe he'd go back to the way he'd been before. Happy.

Logan sprung off his bed and blew out of the room. He found Kendall and Carlos playing dome hockey, being aggressive as usual and smacking their hands against the plastic and screaming at each other and the players-which they were controlling. Typical.

"Hey, guys, stop, I have something more important for us to do."

The two shouting boys piped down and glanced up at Logan before laughing. "Yeah. Right. More important," Carlos scoffed, turning back to the game.

Logan stalked over to them and pulled Carlos away from the table. He wasn't going near Kendall. "Seriously guys, something's up with James and I think I know how to make him feel better."

"James is sick?" Carlos asked, forgetting about the game.

Kendall snapped his head toward Logan, awaiting the answer.

"No, no. He's fine in that sense, but he's really upset. Just come to his room with me for a minute, okay?"

The blonde and the raven-haired boy followed the smart one without hesitation. Their friend's mental state was way more important than the game.

Logan knocked on the door. "James? Can we come in?"

No answer. "James, we just want to talk. Please? Come on, it's us."

Inside the room, James sighed. He really wasn't up for seeing any of them right now, but he knew they weren't going to leave him alone until they got what they wanted out of him, so James slid off his bed and crossed the room. He opened the door and stood in the doorway, hoping his friends would get the hint and not try to come in.

"What?" he demanded in a bored tone. He did his best not to show any emotion.

"James, look, I know what's going on with you. Your upset because of everything that went down this week with the band and almost losing it-"

"Not almost, Logan. We did lose the band."

"Yeah, and now we're back," Kendall broke in. "So stop moping around and be glad that we had a great concert and now we're going on tour for six weeks. Everything worked out the way you wanted it to, so why are you so depressed?"

Was he _serious? _Did he really not get it? James could feel the pressure that had been building up inside of him threaten to explode. This was not going to be good.

"You want to know why I'm not thrilled that the band is back together after being torn apart? Why I'm not screaming with joy at the fact that even though you tried to replace me, I'm still standing here instead of some poser with good hair and a bad voice? Honestly, don't you think it's a _little _self-explanatory?"

"I want to know why you can never be happy unless things are perfect! Why you can't just put the past behind you and be grateful that even though there were a few bumps along the way, things ended up working out for the best! You're so absorbed in making sure everything about you is just right that you can't even open your eyes and see what's going on around you! This past week has had a huge effect on us, too! We weren't pleased with having to make the decision to find a new you! We came back for you! Remember that? That was when you told us you'd moved on. So we did the same! And now you're whining and crying about us being so mean and leaving you behind while we went ahead and tried to keep the band going for our sake because we thought you weren't coming back! Do you see where I'm going with this? This stupid funk you're in, it isn't our fault. It's yours. You did this to us!"

James stared at Kendall in shock and utter disbelief. The reactions of Logan and Carlos were identical.

Hundreds of thoughts raced through James' mind, and he couldn't focus on one thing. Part of him wanted to sit down and calmy think this through. Another part of him wanted to nail Kendall's face into the wall. But the biggest part of James was telling him something he didn't want to listen to, but he couldn't help but think that it was true.

Kendall was right. James had turned his back on his friends after receiving the deal with Hawke. But then that meant...that meant that James didn't care about his friends and their future at all. The only thing he ever thought and worried about was himself.

_But I do care. I care more than they'll ever know._

But James knew, deep down, that Kendall had spoken the truth. James had done this to them. They were falling apart, and it was all his fault. He didn't deserve to be in the band. His friends didn't need him when all he did was neglect them.

_James Diamond, you're the worst friend anyone could ever be stuck with. The other guys would be lucky not to have you in the band._

And with that final soul-crushing thought, James Diamond snapped.

* * *

><p>Yep, I made them fight. I feel bad, but it had to be done! I don't know why everyone displays Kendall as such a meaner, but it's easy to write him that way!<p>

Well, there it is. Chappie trois. Not too great, in my opinion, but yours is the one that matters, so make it matter by clicking away under this sentence please! :)


	4. Deal

**A/N **Before I start, I would like to give a big thanks to my awesome reviewers, especially LinaRush, who reviewed my first two chapters like 10 minutes after I posted them. You guys rock!

Breakdown

Chapter 4: Deal

Carlos watched Logan as he paced around the living room area of 2J, while Kendall sat on the couch grumbling and pressing an ice pack to his sore, bruised cheek.

"Where do you think he went?" Carlos asked in a small, nervous voice, as if any noise would send Kendall into raging, destructive mode.

Logan sighed and finally stood still. "I don't know, Carlos. We've looked everywhere, and Kelly said he's not at Rocque Records. He's probably just roaming the streets or something, until he cools off."

"Well in that case, it might be days before we see him again. Which, I am totally good with," Kendall snapped, venom coating his words.

"Should we be worried?" Carlos wasn't really sure. They'd been in LA long enough that they all knew their way around the city, and Carlos was positive James wouldn't do anything stupid or dangerous, but on the other hand, he was out there all alone, angry and vengeful. Who knew what he might get himself into?

Logan _was _worried, but he was doing his best not to show it. He wasn't very good at hiding his emotions though, and Kendall and Carlos could tell what he was thinking. He was afraid that James would get himself into some form of trouble, be it an injury or possibly even something that would end up with him in jail. Logan's stomach was twisting with worry.

Kendall was as far on the other end of the concern spectrum as he could be. He really didn't care where James was or what he was up to right now. Maybe he'd get lost and not come back till tonight, or tomorrow, which would be very lucky for him. In Kendall's mind, there was no way James would want to face him anytime soon, not after punching him square in the face and running out the door when all his friends had been trying to do was make him feel better. Kendall was livid, and he knew James was aware of the fact that you do _not _want to be near Kendall after you pissed him off.

"No, Carlos, he's fine. It's James. He's always fine," Logan responded to Carlos's inquiry.

Carlos was still doubting. "Isn't us thinking he was fine what got us into this mess in the first place?"

Logan swallowed and glanced at Kendall, who casually looked away, lighting a spark of anger inside of Logan. Yes, James shouldn't have freaked out and punched him like that, but Kendall had really been asking for it. There had been absolutely no reason for him to yell at James the way he had. James had been feeling crummy and insecure about the strength of their friendship as it was, and Kendall trying to pick a fight had only made him feel ten times worse. Logan honestly didn't blame James for snapping like that.

But that was beside the point. What mattered now was finding James and calming him down before he did something he'd regret.

Logan pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed James' number. He held the device up to his ear and waited for five rings before it went to voicemail. He decided to leave a message, though he doubted James would even bother listening to it.

"James, please, come back. We're _all _sorry." He stared pointedly at Kendall while he said this. The blonde just glowered back. "We really need to talk this out. So, please, call back or just _come _back. I need to know you're okay." Logan snapped his phone shut and dropped it into his pocket, then rubbed at his temples with his index and middle fingers.

"Desperate much?" Kendall's voice sneered, and Logan instantly whirled around and went off on him.

"Shut up, Kendall! I'm worried, and you should be too. I know what state of mind he's in right now, and it's not a good one. He's hurt, can't you see that? He's hurt because of us! Because we were all _so stupid! _And then you had to go and use your big mouth to make it all worse! I was going to talk to him calmly, but no, you just _had _to butt in and try to take control of the situation by screaming at him. That's the worst way to try to get through to someone!"

"Then why are you doing it to me?" Kendall was shockingly calm. Logan had expected to be on the floor begging for mercy by now.

Shame washed over Logan, and he lowered his eyes. Kendall was right. He was no better than Kendall right now. Yelling wasn't going to solve anything. Logan knew that, so why was he doing it?

He sighed and flopped onto the couch between Kendall and an oddly silent Carlos. "I'm sorry. I'm just so...I don't know, confused right now. I mean, how did we not see what we were doing to James by attempting to replace him? We're _idiots._"

Kendall shook his head. "No, Logan, _I'm _the idiot. I shouldn't have lost it on him like that. That's not what a true friend would do."

"We all should have seen the signs," Carlos admitted, finally joining the conversation.

"We're horrible friends," Logan whispered.

The other two nodded thier agreement, certain that, wherever he was, James was thinking the same thing.

* * *

><p>In fact, that exact thought <em>was <em>running through James' muddled mind as he wandered determinedly through the bustling streets of Hollywood. He was over thinking he was the one to blame for this disaster.

_They're horrible friends. Not me. I'm a great friend. I wanted to go solo and instead I decided to sing with them even though none of them will ever be at my level. They were the ones who ditched me after BTR fell apart. I had every right to go work with Hawke. They were the ones who didn't deserve to keep the band going without me. That wasn't even their dream. It was mine! There _is _no Big Time Rush without me!_

James was quickly growing frustrated with having the same things run through his mind again and again. He was right, they were wrong. End of story.

James smiled sinisterly to himself. Soon enough he wouldn't have to worry about that anymore. Everything was going to be solved after he did what he was setting out to do.

Finally James reached his destination. His legs were cramping from walking so far, but that didn't matter. He was on a mission. James passed through the automatic doors and headed down the hallway to the office. "I want to work with you."

Hawke spun around in his chair. "What are you doing here, Jamez? I fired you!"

"Actually, I quit. But I regret that. I want- no, I _need _to work with you. I'm _James Diamond. _All the girls out there love me. You'll be ahead of Gustavo in no time. Isn't that what you want? To destroy Gustavo? What better way to do it than to steal his talent right from under his nose? The other guys are nothing without me. They'll fall, Gustavo will be screwed, and you'll be on top. I say it sounds pretty fair. _Especially _for you."

Hawke frowned, taking all that had been said into consideration. It all made perfect sense. An evil grin made it's way onto Hawke's face as he pictured _his _face on the cover of Rolling Stone. Gustavo would be ill!

But how could he trust this boy? He'd bailed on his once, he could do it again. Hawke's creepy smile vanished, replaced by a skeptic expression. "Nice try, Jamez, but who's to say you won't just walk out on me again after I've invested all my time and money into you?"

James nodded in understanding. "Okay then. How 'bout this? What if you could tear down Big Time Rush from the inside? What if you had a middle man, someone who knew all their secrets and weaknesses?" James leaned forward intensely, resting his hands on his former short-lived producer's desk and staring him straight in the eyes. "What do you say to that?"

Hawke seemed to be pondering this for a minute. Then he laughed evilly. James' dark grin grew wider. He knew what was coming. It was too perfect.

Hawke raised his arms in a bird-like gesture. "I say, you have a deal. Caw!"

Mission accomplished.

* * *

><p>Oh no! What have I done? I've made James a monster, that's what!<p>

So, regardless of whether you liked it or not, please tell me! Any little suggestion helps!

Thanks for reading! :)


	5. Deceit

Breakdown

Chapter 5: Deceit

Carlos rolled over in his bed and sat up. Glancing across the room, he saw James, sound asleep in his own bed. Carlos let out a relieved sigh. He'd been worried sick last night- almost literally. His stomach had been in knots as he awaited James' return. Carlos had stayed awake as long as he could, sitting up in his bed, occassionally getting up to wander around the room. He'd promised himself that he wouldn't go to bed until James was home and Carlos knew he was safe, but the exhaustion that was still lingering from the extra stress and hard work over the past two weeks must have gotten to him, and he had obviously succumbed to sleep.

Carlos felt a bit guilty about having had broken his promise to himself, but James was back, and he looked okay from what Carlos could see. The conscious boy abandoned his bed and padded over to the occupied bed. He could only see James' face and neck, but he didn't look pale and he wasn't wearing a pained expression. That was a good sign. He hadn't gotten hurt last night.

Before Carlos could make any more observations, James' eyes fluttered open and peered up at Carlos.

Carlos smiled down at his friend. "Morning, James. When did you get home? Where did you go yesterday? Where were you all night? Are you okay? Did anything hap-"

A pillow was shoved against Carlos' stomach, and he gasped. "Oof! J-James, what was that for?"

James rolled his eyes. "Logan's going to ask me all those questions in a minute and I really don't feel like repeating myself," he groaned.

"Fine," Carlos huffed. "But you didn't have to hit me to shut me up. Violence is never the answer. Remember?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry."

Carlos shrugged it off and grinned, never one to hold a grudge. "I hope you're feeling good today, because Kendall is _mad. _In fact, he probably would have came in here and strangled you in your sleep if he'd heard you come back last night."

An uncomfortable churning made its way into James' stomach, and he nodded. "Yeah, I'm not surprised," he whispered. He'd been thinking about it all night. He'd seen Kendall mad before, and it was definitely one of the scariest things James had ever witnessed. But he'd never been the one to make Kendall so furious before. There was just no way to prepare for whatever was to come. James knew he just had to stand up and take it like a man.

"Well, you're going to have to face him sooner or later," Carlos informed the brunette. As if he hadn't figured that out.

James sighed. "I know... I choose later." He rotated onto his stomach and buried his head under the blankets much like he had yesterday morning.

"Maybe if you talk to him when he's half asleep his mind won't be clear enough to be as mad," Carlos suggested. "And anyway, we have to be at the studio by eleven. Gustavo's letting us come in later, but apparently 'days off' still don't exist in his world."

James scoffed in agreement while he considered Carlos' first statement. It was worth a shot, wasn't it? "Yeah, I guess you're right." He reluctantly climbed out of his bed and started slowly toward the door. He swallowed hard when he reached it, turning to spare Carlos one last desperate look. Carlos smiled sympathetically. _Huge help, _James thought sardonically.

"If you hear screaming, come running ready to defend."

Carlos gave James a thumbs-up. "Will do, buddy."

James opened the door and peeked precariously around the corner. No Kendall. He tip-toed down the hall and warily eyed the kitchen area. No Kendall. His and Logan's door was closed, but that didn't necessarily mean that Kendall was still asleep. James entered the kitchen area with caution. No one. Then he noticed the green numbers on the microwave clock. 08:34 am. Kendall never woke eariler than nine when they didn't have to go in early. That gave James half an hour. What he was going to do with it, he had no clue. It wasn't like he could come up with some grand speech that would prevent Kendall from mangling him.

James rubbed his temples, another headache coming on, and he opened the cupboard with the medicine and reached for some aspirin.

"Headache again?" a voice quipped from behind him. James jumped and spun around. He hadn't even seen Logan before, seated on the orange couch with a fat medical book in his lap. The brainiac stood and raised his eyebrows questioningly.

James averted his eyes from Logan's and snatched a glass from a different cupboard, filling it with water. "Yeah. No big deal though, it's small. Nothing to worry about." He swallowed the capsule down with a swig of water.

Logan nodded as he moved closer to James. "That it?"

"What? Yeah, that's it-"

"Nothing else is bothering you? Say, oh, I don't know, yesterday morning, for example?"

James kept silent, staring down at the remaining water in his glass.

"James, you need to talk this out with us. The longer you keep your feelings bottled up inside, the worse you're going to feel about them. I promise you, once you get it all out, you'll feel so much better. It'll be like a huge weight lifted off your shoulders." He lifted James' chin so he could look right into the pretty boy's eyes. The eyes which, usually sparkling and full of life, were now dull and empty. "Please?"

James couldn't stand to hear his best friend pleading with him like that. James felt so terrible about what he was secretly doing behind his friends' backs. Then his shoulder-devil was back and reasoning in his ear:

_Why should _you_ be the one feeling bad? Don't forget about why you're doing this. Remember what they did to you? Of course you do. Use that, and you'll never have to worry about any stupid remorse or guilt again. They _deserve _this._

James internally nodded. Right. Stay focused. That's all he needed to do. Concentrate on getting Hawke the information he required to earn his trust back, take down Big Time Rush, and then go on with his life working for Hawke as a soloist. As soon as this was over, he wouldn't have to deal with anymore crap that the other three jerks were causing him.

Logan's grip tightening on James' chin was what brought him back to reality. "James? Come on, you know you can tell us anything. We're your best friends, your _brothers._ And we know this- you, not being yourself- it's all our fault. We're accepting the blame, one hundred percent. So the least you can do is tell us how we can make it better."

James took a moment to study Logan's face. His eyes displayed genuine interest and concern. His tight lips were a sign of anxiety. He truly cared. Too bad James didn't feel the same way.

James swatted Logan's hand away and stepped back. "You want to know how you can make it _all_ better?" His voice dripped with contempt.

Logan nodded.

James leaned in close to Logan and hissed, "You can't."

* * *

><p>"Alright, dogs! Since you had the <em>day off<em> yesterday, you should be refreshed and ready to sing perfectly." Gustavo exaggerated his words the way he always did.

"Well, technically, you still made us come here really early yesterday, so we didn't exactly get as much sleep as you think."

"Well techically, Logan, you should BE QUIET and DO AS I SAY!"

"Absolutely," Logan squeaked.

"Now, recording booth. MOVE IT!"

James made some quick mental notes while shuffling into the studio with the other guys. Logan was intimidated by Gustavo. Could that be useful for Hawke? James figured it couldn't. If Logan hadn't broken from all the yelling and threats to fire them by now, he probably wouldn't.

As they were running through This Is Our Someday, James payed closer attention to the voices of the other guys more than his own for the first time. He always knew his friends had good singing voices, even though his was unmistakably the best. Now James really wished they weren't that good.

He listened harder. It was crucial for him to pick apart every last thing about Kendall, Logan, and Carlos. James knew all of their secrets, true, but he needed more. The fact that Carlos still slept with a teddy bear wouldn't exactly aid in the collapse of BTR. What were their weaknesses when it came to vocals?

James managed to notice that Carlos and Kendall struggled with their upper range more so than Logan and himself. That was something. James also knew Logan wasn't the greatest dancer. There was another thing.

_Maybe this will be easier than I thought._

"JAMES! What WAS that?"

James snapped back to the real world. He'd been doing a lot of drifting lately.

"What was what?" he questioned innocently enough.

"That was James missing his cue," Kendall interjected snidely. Despite the conversation the band members minus James had had last night, Kendall still wasn't as ready to forgive James as he let on. He wasn't Carlos. He couldn't let things go that easily, and now that he had a chance to irk James, he wasn't missing out on it, especially since the tall brunette had mysteriously disappeared again all morning until it had been time to leave for the studio.

James tensed angrily. Why did Kendall have to be such an asshole? Couldn't he ever just admit that he was wrong and apologize for being a no-good piece of crap friend? It seemed a lot harder for him than anyone else James knew.

"Just...run it again," Gustavo instructed, voice taut with barely controlled anger.

The boys did as told, and James found it extremely difficult to focus on making sure he was hitting the right notes and vocalizing the correct words while still trying to be attentive to the voices of the others.

_Okay, so maybe this _won't _be easier than I thought._

* * *

><p>After singing, the boys headed to the dance studio and worked on some news moves for the tour, then practiced them on the stage for five hours. They were sore and grumpy when they were finally done.<p>

James had been right about Logan's dancing. It was taking him a lot longer to learn and perfect the moves than the rest of the guys. That bit of information could be useful. Aside from that and the range thing with Kendall and Carlos, James hadn't really gotten much else. He'd been concentrating on making sure he was doing his best.

James' headache was back full force by the time they got back to the Palm Woods. This was all very stressful, and the fact that he hadn't eaten anything all day, having had skipped breakfast because of his nervous stomach and in order to avoid having to face a fuming Kendall wasn't helping one bit. He felt light-headed and woozy as he stumbled into 2J behind Carlos. Kendall and Logan had gone to get smoothies.

James went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. He twisted the cap off and chugged half of it down in one huge gulp. Despite the fact that he was starving, he still didn't feel like eating. Exhausted couldn't even begin to describe how spent he felt. He just didn't feel...right. At all.

"James?" Carlos' murky voice broke into James' self-examination. "Wanna play some video games with me?" Carlos paused and took a closer look at his friend's sick-looking appearance. Half-lided eyes, mused hair, pale complexion, slumped posture. Something wasn't right.

"James, are you feeling okay? You really don't look too good."

James barely managed to nod his heavy head one time. He opened his mouth to speak, but the room suddenly pitched and whirled around him until it was just a random blur of colour. Then that faded, and James could feel himself falling.

He vaguely heard Carlos shouting his name, though it sounded like he was underwater. Then everything was dark and silent.

* * *

><p>Longish chapter. Ugh. It's one in the morning and I have school tomorrow, meaning I'm going to be awake in five and a half hours...lovely.<p>

Anyway, to keep this end note short and simple, hope you enjoyed and please make my staying up late worthwhile by reviewing!


	6. Secrets

Breakdown

Chapter 6: Secrets

Logan pulled his vibrating phone from his pocket and opened his new text.

_From Carlos: Something's wrong with James. Get back to the apartment NOW!_

Logan felt his stomach drop and he dropped his smoothie as his eyes scanned over his screen, and he grabbed Kendall's arm, gripping tightly.

"Ow! Hand, arm, squeeze, why?"

Instead of answering, Logan dragged Kendall behind him as he rushed into the lobby and to the stairs. He had no patience to wait for the elevator.

"Logan, what is going on?"

Logan continued to ignore Kendall as they reached the second floor and blew down the hall to 2J. Logan shoved the door open and burst in. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped as he took in the scene before him.

Carlos was kneeling on the ground in the middle of the kitchen, tears streaming down his unsmiling face. In his lap he held James' head. James' face was drained of colour. His eyes weren't open. Logan could see that his breathing was ragged and uneven, and his normally flawless hair was matted to his forehead as Carlos stroked it softly.

Carlos glanced sharply over at the recently arrived boys, and he began to sob out an explanation.

"H-he looked so sick when we came back. All I did was ask him if he wanted to play some video games, and then I asked him if he was feeling okay, and then he just...collapsed! Help him, Logie!"

A rush of air escaped Logan's lips, and he quickly shook off the shock of seeing his friend in such a state as ke knelt next to Carlos. He pressed the back of his hand against James' forehead and frowned. He wasn't burning up, but his temperature was definitely higher than it should be.

"Kendall, go get the thermometer and an ice pack."

Logan half-expected Kendall not to comply due to his and James' conflict, so he was relieved when Kendall hurried to the bathroom to retrieve the requested item.

Logan turned to Carlos, who was shaking as sobs wracked his body. Logan rested a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Carlos, it's okay. This isn't your fault. James is going to be fine. He's just really tired, okay? He needs a lot of rest, but he should be better in no time. I promise."

Sad brown eyes peeped up at him, overflowing with tears and care. The owner of the eyes sniffled and nodded.

Logan realized he had on just a t-shirt, but Carlos was wearing a sweater over his own.

"Carlos, can I borrow your sweater please?"

Knowing that now was not a time to argue, Carlos peeled his sweater over his head and passed it into Logan's awaiting hand.

"Thank you." Logan rolled the sweater up into a makeshift pillow and very carefully lifted James' head and slipped it under just as Kendall came running back with the thermometer. He thrust it into Logan's palm and immediately twirled toward the freezer, digging for an ice pack.

Logan inserted the thermometer into James' mouth and began to feel around the back of James' head for a possible bump that he might have received from hitting it off the floor, if he had. He found a small, forming lump in the very middle. Logan winced when he realized James must've fallen straight back.

The thermometer beeped and Logan slid it out from under James' tongue and glanced at it. Kendall returned with the ice wrapped up in a dish towel.

"How high?" he asked as he knelt down beside them and held the ice against James' warm forehead.

"101.8," Logan stated. "That shouldn't be hard to bring down. I don't want to move him till he wakes, he hit his head pretty hard, it looks like and I don't want to hurt him worse. Carlos, can you grab that blanket from the couch?"

Carlos wasted no time, leaping up, flying across the room to the couch, snagging the blanket, and diving back to the floor by James, settling the blanket over him, all in less than five seconds.

"There's nothing we can do now until he wakes up," Logan informed the other two boys. He fixed his gaze on Carlos, who was still visibly shaken. "Carlos, please calm down. It's going to be alright. I promised, remember?"

He earned a meek nod as a reply.

"Okay. Now, I need you to tell me _exactly _what happened. Can you do that for me? For James?"

"Y-yeah." Carlos sucked in a deep breath and began talking. "When we got back up here, James got a water from the fridge and drank a lot of it. Then I asked him if he wanted to play video games with me. Then he got really pale and looked like he was going to answer me, but then he fainted. I was too far away to catch him but I ran right over and saw that he was still breathing and that's when I texted you." Carlos was brought closer and closer to the verge of tears with each word he spoke, but he held them back, this time.

Logan nodded. "Okay. Okay, thanks Carlos. You did a good job, buddy."

"So now what?" Kendall piped up. "We just sit here and wait for him to wake up?"

"Yes, Kendall," Logan snapped. "That's exactly what _I'm _going to do. _I'm _not going to leave him. But you can go do whatever your heart desires."

Kendall closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. _Stay calm. Don't freak out. Just do what's best for all of you._

Kendall opened his eyes and smiled false-sweetly at Logan. "Of course not, Logan. I'm staying right here, as long as it takes."

Logan ignored Kendall's snooty response and latched his eyes onto James. Logan was sure he knew why James had passed out, and why he'd been so out of it at the studio today. He was under an undeniably enormous amount of stress. Of course he was weak and tired. With all the thoughts that Logan was positive were running through James' mind day and night, there was no way he'd been sleeping properly, and Logan hadn't seen him eat anything all day. The past two days, in fact. And it was all because they had made a huge, stupid mistake that no doubt had James questioning his place in this band.

If James got sick, it was all on them.

_God, _Logan thought woefully. _What have we done?_

* * *

><p>Familiar voices forced their way into James' ears and transported him back to awareness. The darkness lifted, as did the eerie silence and the heavy fog that clouded his disoriented mind.<p>

James could feel the hard, cold ground beneath him. Something was under his head, which was pounding mercilessly. His eyes popped open and he found himself staring up at the back of Kendall's head.

"Got any three's?" he heard someone ask.

"Go fish."

"You go fish! You asked Logan for a three on your last turn!"

"I thought my seven was a three!"

"How does a three look like a seven?"

"I was holding it upside down!"

"They're cards! They _can't _be upside down!"

"Whatever, Kendall. You just don't wanna go fish!"

"Because you're cheating!"

Logan's voice broke in. "I'm done."

James couldn't help but snicker at how childish they were being, and instantly all three heads swiveled to look at him.

A huge smile broke out on Carlos' face. "James! You're awake!"

Logan crawled over to him. "Hey, how you feeling? Do you remember what happened?"

James blinked at the question. It took him a moment, but he was able to recall coming back to the apartment, Carlos asking him if he wanted to play video games or something like that, and then...nothing. That must be why he was now waking up flat on the floor with yet _another _raging headache. It just wasn't his month.

He cleared his throat awkwardly as the other three leaned in close, staring at him expecntanly.

"Yeah, I remember. I, uh, I'm sorry if I scared you guys. Especially you, Carlos. I don't know what happened."

"It's okay, you're alright now, that's all that matters." Logan's words didn't match his thoughts, but he went on anyway. "We know you're really tired and stuff. Don't worry about it. Just take it easy for a few days, alright?"

"Got it."

Logan nodded, satisfied. "Good. So, how do you feel? Let me guess, head hurts?"

"Uh huh."

"I'll get you some aspirin." Logan chuckled as he climbed to his feet and made his way to the cupboards. "You know, James, if I didn't know what was going on, I'd think you were starting to get addicted to it."

James rolled his eyes. "Very funny, Logan."

Logan brought back the medicine and a glass of water and helped James sit up. James gulped down the pill and water and Logan set the glass in the sink.

"You feel okay to stand up?" he inquired. "I'm sure you're dizzy enough sitting."

"I'll give it a try. This sweater-pillow isn't really my definition of luxury."

Logan smiled, glad James was feeling decent enough to be joking around.

"Okay, ready?" The three healthy boys slowly aided the other into an upright position, and he immediately began swaying as he was overcome by a wave of vertigo. James bit back a moan.

"Easy, easy, buddy." Logan and Carlos guided James to the couch while Kendall picked up the blanket and Carlos' sweater and brought both items over.

Logan smiled his thanks and sat James down on the vibrant sofa.

"Better?"

James nodded gratefully.

Without warning, Logan reached over and felt James' forehead. James flinched away.

"Uh, what are you doing?"

"Sorry. You had a slight fever earlier. You're not as hot now."

"Oh. Wait, did you just call me not hot?"

Logan rolled his eyes. Only James. "Shut up, James. You know what I meant."

James just sighed and sunk back into the couch.

"You hit your head, too," Logan told him. "I'm pretty sure you don't have a concussion, but you still might feel sick, so just tell me if you do, okay? Or if you feel weird at all."

"Okay, Logan."

Logan knew James was growing a tad irritated, but he was just making sure his friend was well.

Logan turned his attention to the time. "It's getting kinda late," he noted, reading his watch, which displayed the numbers 11:07 pm. He glanced at Kendall. "When are your mom and Katie gonna be back?"

Katie and Mrs. Knight had gone on an all-day shopping spree/spa day and weren't expected home till late.

"Right, my mom called earlier. She said they decided to spend the night at a hotel."

"Sweet. Do you guys want to watch a movie then?"

"Yeah! There's a movie on TV called _Read My Mind," _Carlos suggested. "I've heard of it, but I never got to see it. It looks so cool though! Let's watch that!" Without waiting for the input of his friends, Carlos switched on the television and turned it to the right channel. "I think it started at eleven," he said.

Kendall, Logan, and James shared amused looks and laughed, settling down and getting themselves comfortable. Suddenly Logan remembered something and jumped up. "I'll make some popcorn." James definitely needed to eat something, and Logan was determined to get even the smallest thing into James, if it meant he was eating _something. _Maybe popcorn wasn't the best choice, but he knew James would be able to tell that something was up if Logan insisted that he eat something more wholesome. Popcorn was all they ate when they watched movies together.

So Logan popped the popcorn and brought it back to the couch and they all dug in. Logan was glad to see James eat a bunch of it.

The boys discovered that _Read My Mind _was about a small group of teenagers who were best friends but had secrets that none of the others knew about. Their shocking secrets were revealed throughout the movie by someone who was blackmailing them, and the strength of their bond was put to the ultimate test. It was actually quite interesting, and Kendall found himself so lost in the plot that he forgot all about any hostility he still held against James.

The movie really got James thinking. Maybe he didn't know everything there was to know about Kendall, Logan, and Carlos. There very well could have been more to them than he realized. It wasn't like _they_ knew everything about _him. _They had no idea he was discreetly gathering information to destroy them, and this was the perfect opportunity to get his hands on some deep, personal stuff that they might not have shared with him.

James put his plan into action the instant the credits started rolling.

"Hey, guys? You know, that could be totally possible."

"What, the movie?" Logan considered. "I suppose. You're not saying..."

"You never know. _Are _you guys hiding anything? You know, just in case we get blackmailed, there won't be any surprises."

Logan rolled his eyes, than started intently at James. "Why? Do you?"

James shrugged nonchalantly. "Who doesn't?"

Logan and Carlos began to look uncomfortable. Kendall just looked peeved.

A slow, mysterious grin appeared on James' face. "I'll tell you my secret if you tell me yours."

Logan turned red and cleared his throat. "I don't know, James..."

"Come on, Logan. We're all best friends here. _Brothers._ Shouldn't we already know everything about each other? What's friendship without trust?" James was impressed with the way his stomach didn't twist when he spoke those words. _Academy Award, meet James Diamond._

"Well..."

"I threw up a corndog and then ate it again!"

Three disgusted pairs of eyes slowly travelled in Carlos' direction. "Carlos...that's just...gross."

"It was a long time ago!" he whined in defense. "And it was barely chewed! No one would have known the difference."

"_Okay, _moving on...Logan?"

Logan hesitated. "I...you see..." He sighed in defeat. "Alright, I'll tell you. When we first came to LA, Gustavo made it obvious that he didn't like me, as you're all aware of." Three heads nodded. _Wow. Thanks for the support, guys._ "That day he had me stay longer, and I told you it was because he thought I needed more dance practice? Well, that's a lie. He...threatened to kick me out the band. He basically did. And then I...I did something, something that I'm totally against, it goes against all my morals, but I was desperate and this was a year ago and I was new to this business and I just-"

"Logan! The point?"

Logan swallowed hard. "Right, right, the point. Okay, um. Wow. I...bribed...Gustavo into keeping me."

Logan stopped talking abruptly, and was met by dead silence. He squirmed, literally _feeling _the intensity of the stares he was getting. Then the questions started.

"How did you bribe him?"

"What did you _do?_"

"How long has this been going on?"

"How _dare _he try to kick you out of the band! I'll kill him!"

"Guys, GUYS!" The voices halted.

Logan sighed and raked a hand through his hair. "Look, it isn't going on anymore, okay? It only lasted the first three weeks we were here. Then Gustavo told me I didn't have to do it anymore. It's way behind me now."

"But-_what did you do?_" Carlos looked sick when he asked.

"I added up costs for various things, I helped organize the rehearsal schedule, I pretty much took care of all of Gustavo's little side projects and stuff like that. Basically he was using me for my brain. _But it's done with, forever!_" he added hastily at Kendall's baleful glare.

"I'm still gonna kill him," the blonde muttered.

"Oh." James lowered his eyes for a moment, processing this. Could this be useful? Then another thought entered his mind, and he snapped his head up to glower at Logan. "So _you're _the reason we rehearse ten hours a day?"

Logan groaned and rolled his eyes. "Who's next? James? You're the one who's making us do this, why don't you go?"

"Fine. Carlos, remember when someone threw up in your helmet last month and nobody would admit to it? I told you it was probably Lightning?"

A menacing glint came to Carlos' eyes, and he nodded.

"Right, well, that was me."

Carlos' dark eyes widened furiously, and he lunged at James, who cried out and bounded off the couch. He got an instant head rush and quickly sat down on the carpet. Logan held Carlos back.

"I'm sorry," James laughed when he got his bearings back. "It was after that rehearsal where I had to do like fifty backflips. I cleaned it out after you declined my offer to but you a new one though, remember _that_?_"_

Carlos did remember. He sighed. "Fine, I forgive you." He turned to Kendall. "You're last," he said. "And don't worry, _nothing _you say will make me as mad as I am at James."

"You said you forgave me!"

"...I'll think about it. Kendall?"

Throughout the whole 'confessional', Kendall had remained silent, save for his threat to kill their producer. Now he fixed all three of his bandmates with an icy glare as if he was repulsed by this whole thing.

"I'm not telling you _anything._" He looked straight at James when he said that. Then he spun on his heel and walked away.

"Kendall!" Logan ran after the angry teen. Kendall ignored him until he got to their room. Then he unexpectedly yanked Logan in by his collar and slammed the door.

"K-Kendall, what-"

"Logan, just shut up and listen to me." Kendall tugged at his hair with both hands. It was as if he hadn't been angry at all just one second ago. Now he seemed distressed. "There is something, something that none of you know, but I _need _to tell somebody." He suddenly grabbed Logan's shoulders in a painful, vice-like grip. "You can't tell anyone."

"Kendall, if you don't want me to know-"

"I _do. _I think you should know. But just you."

"Okay-"

"I'm on anti-depressants."

Silence followed. Logan couldn't comprehend what Kendall had just said. It wasn't possible. Not Kendall. Not fearless, opinionated Kendall.

"Kendall, I... I don't..."

"Four years ago my mom found me with a razor and a bottle of pills. After my dad...I couldn't bear it. He was my _idol, _Logan. I never thought about losing him, and then one day my whole world fell apart around me, and I just needed an escape, so I... Logan, I'm so sorry. They work, I haven't done anything since then, but...you just never know..."

Logan's response was too quiet for James to hear from the other side of the door, but he'd heard enough, and he smiled. Maybe Logan's secret was nothing more than useless, but this...this was _gold._

* * *

><p>Ah! I'm a horrible person! Look what I did to Kendall and James! If you hate me, feel free to let me know, I'd totally understand!<p>

Whew, that took a long time to write! It's my longest chapter yet, and my personal fave so far.

Quick FYI, _Read My Mind _isn't a real movie. I couldn't think off the top of my head a movie about deep secrets among close friends, thought I'm sure there are tons out there, I just didn't feel like researching, and I needed something with that type of plot to spark James' evil plan.

So, how was it? I'm dying to know what you think!


	7. Destruction

**A/N **I just want to quickly thank my reviewers. Thank you! Told ya it'd be quick. Now onto the stuff people actually care about...

Breakdown

Chapter 7: Destruction

"WHERE IS JAMES?"

"Sick," Logan replied bluntly.

Kendall glared balefully at Gustavo. _Making Logan do his work for him in order to stay in the band. _The thought made Kendall sick himself.

"He did seem not himself yesterday," Kelly agreed before Gustavo could lose his cool.

He glanced at Kelly with a tight-lipped smile. "Yes, Kelly, I did notice that." He turned to the trio with the same expression and spoke to them in the same falsely kind tone. "Boys, please enter the recording booth."

Logan and Carlos moved toward the door the led to the small room, but Kendall didn't flinch. He just glared daggers at Gustavo, wishing looks could kill.

"Kendall, booth, NOW!"

From his peripheral vision, Kendall could see Logan staring at him, begging him with his eyes not to do what Logan knew he was about to do. Kendall ignored him.

"No."

Gustavo laughed in disbelief. "No? _No? _I'm sorry, since when do you start making your own decisions? Oh, that's right, you don't! I DO! And I say, GET IN THE BOOTH NOW OR YOU'RE FIRED!"

Kendall refused to be daunted. "Fire me, then. I can always bribe my way back into the band."

Gustavo's face went red with rage. Logan's cheeks were flushed, too, but for a different reason.

Gustavo laughed humourlessly again. "You really think that you can just talk your way back into the band once you're out?"

"I didn't say talk. I could, lets see, maybe politely offer to do all your work for you while I myself practice my singing and dance moves in my own little free time, which wouldn't really make it free time, now would it? Or, in my case, work on improving my 'negative attitude'. By we're not talking about me here, are we?"

For the first time in his entire career as a music producer, Gustavo Rocque was speechless. He hadn't the faintest idea how to defend himself.

"I...he..."

"What is he talking about?" Kelly demanded in a confused tone.

Kendall didn't reply, only smirked at Gustavo, daring him to confess.

"Nothing! Kelly, he's a stupid dog..."

While the flustered producer and his impatient assisitant argued, Logan yanked Kendall into the recording booth, Carlos following like a lost little puppy, his brown eyes filled with anxiousness and fear. He didn't want Kendall to get fired.

"Get off of me!" Kendall shook violently out of Logan's grip.

"Kendall, what are you doing?" Logan hissed. "This was way behind me, and now you just _had _to go and bring it up again when it's none of your business! Gustavo was really warming up to us, and now he's going to fire all of us because you wanted to try and be all bold and challenge him to do it! Well, I can tell you this, he's going to! We _just_ got the band back together, and now what? We're going to be in the same place we were a week ago, only this time, there won't be a third chance!" Logan tugged at his hair, not caring when a few strands ripped out of his head and drifted to the floor. He hardly felt it. "Just imagine what this is going to do to James! Oh god, James..."

He was going to be beyond devastated. The first time had been bad enough, but now it was happening again, and Logan knew that there was absolutely _no way _BTR would somehow make it back on their feet again. Heck, they'd hardly even gotten back on their feet this time.

The next thing Logan knew, Kendall was exploding. "James? What's this going to do to _James? _Who _cares _about James! He's been making us feel like pieces of shit ever since we got him back, and I'm done with it!" Kendall suddenly quieted down and glanced at the floor, looking and feeling like a complete and utter idiot. _Who cares about James? I do. _"I didn't mean that... I just- maybe this was meant to be."

Logan scoffed.

"I know that sounds stupid, but seriously! We're all under a crap load of stress and it's making us lose it. I mean, look at us this past week. James doesn't even want to be around us, namely me. He _fainted _yesterday. And now this? Asking to be fired? I think I'm losing my mind. I...I need to get out of here." Without another word, Kendall pushed past his two bewildered friends and fled from the studio.

Unable to speak, Logan and Carlos slowly turned and glanced through the glass at Kelly and Gustavo. Judging by the twin expressions of bafflement on their faces, they'd heard the whole thing.

* * *

><p>James yawned and stretched his arms out above his head. He arched his back until the tightness was gone. Rolling onto his side, he peeked at his alarm clock and blinked in horror.<p>

"NO! Carlos, get up! We're late!"

James threw off his covers and leapt from his bed, last night's headache departed and forgotten. "CARLO-"

Carlos' bed was empty. Glancing at the dresser, James saw that Carlos' phone was absent from its usual perch.

_Calm down, _James instructed himself. _Carlos is an early-bird._

Maybe so, but Kendall wasn't, and his bed was devoid of a body, as well. _Where _are _they?_

Before James even entered the empty kitchen, he was struck by a horrible realization that left his head reeling. _They went without me. Do they really hate me that much? Or is this just their lame-ass way of finally telling me they don't want me in the band anymore?_

Fury boiled James' blood, but he didn't do anything rash. Instead, he hunted down his phone, scrolled through his contacts, and pressed 'Call'.

After three rings the receiver picked up.

"James? Sorry we aren't there, but now's really not a good time. Can I call you back?"

James let out an incredulous laugh and shook his head though he knew Logan couldn't see him. "Why, so you can have some extra time to think up an excuse for why you didn't wake me up this morning?"

"James, look, I'll explain everything when we get home, okay? I have to go."

"You're at the studio, aren't you? All of you."

"Yes, but-"

"Don't worry about explaning when you get here."

"James, you don't-"

"I'll come there."

"No, no, James, don't bother. I don't think that's a good idea...we'll be home sooner than expected."

But James had already hung up and was making his way out the door, his heavy steps accentuating his anger.

Only...he didn't feel quite as mad as he thought he should be. He was angry, yes, but not _furious_, though he had ever right to be. It didn't feel right. James decided not to worry too much. It was nice being able to control the level of his emotions. At least, his negative ones. He hadn't felt any positive ones in days.

Five minutes later James was stalking toward the entrance of Rocque Records. He hustled up the stairs and down the hall of Boy Band's past, vaguely wondering when they were going to get a poster of their own to admire.

_To get a poster, we actually have to be a band, _he thought bitterly.

James shook this dispiriting though from his mind and continued toward the recording room. Poking his head in the doorway, he saw it was empty, so he headed back downstairs to the dance studio. Also vacant.

James was caught somewhere between really ticked off and really upset. Why didn't his friends want to be around him?

Then James was hearing the voices again, the ones that belong to the angel on his left shoulder and the devil on his right. The angel spoke sofly and reasonably, assuring him that there was a logical explanation to the unexplained disappearance of his friends, while the devil snarled insults in his ear.

_They probably figured you needed some rest, that's why they didn't wake you this morning._

_Are you kidding me? Don't buy that crap. They wanted to see if they sound better without you._

_Of course that's not true. They're your best friends. They've always been there for you._

_Right, cause you imagined the whole 'lets steal James' dream and run' thing._

_Everybody makes mistakes. Just let them show you how much they truly care-_

_Bring the information to Hawke before it's too late! Pay them back for what they did to you!_

James pressed his hands over his ears, but it did him no good. The voices weren't really voices. They were his thoughts, eager to determine whose side James would choose, battling it out in the ultimate test of good and evil. _Which am I?_

The voices were tormenting him, trying to break him down. And they were doing a damn good job of it.

James screamed out a violent spew of curses as the words turned to thunderous shouts, each case desperate to be heard. James clawed at his head till he drew blood. Then he slid down the wall till he hit the floor. Curling up in a fetal position, James began to sob.

* * *

><p>Kendall stormed into 2J and headed straight to James' room. It was still early; he was more than likely still fast asleep.<p>

Kendall came to a halt in front of the door. Which was open. From where he stood, Kendall could see that James was not in his bed. Confused, Kendall turned and retraced his steps through the rest of the apartment. The only place he hadn't passed by on the way to James' room was his and Logan's. But James wouldn't be in there.

Kendall checked anyway. Sure enough, no James. Kendall searched the bathroom, kitchen, and living room again, but he knew even as he pointlessly called out James' name, that he was not in the apartment.

Next Kendall headed down to the lobby and asked if anyone had seen James yet. Nobody had.

The pool had only been open for an hour, so it came as no surprise to Kendall when he didn't discover James there, either.

Could he have gone to the studio after waking up? Now that Kendall considered it, he realized it was very possible. Actually, it was the most probable place left that Kendall could think of, so he sighed and went out front of the hotel to hail a cab. He ducked when a white stretch limo drove by, ignoring the curious look from the cab driver.

Kendall dashed into Rocque Records and pondered over where to go first. Probably upstairs to the recording room. James would most likely have headed there first.

As Kendall walked by the dance studio, he heard strange, choking noises coming from inside. He had never heard it before, but he had a pretty good idea of who it was.

Kendall walked through the open door and found James curled up on the ground by the wall. Kendall rushed over and knelt down next to him. Upon closer inspection, Kendall now finally saw how bad off his friend really was.

Tears streaked the taller boy's agonzied face. Blood slowly oozed from the self-inflicted scratches that lined both sides of his temples. The sobs that wracked his body were mournful and heart-breaking. Kendall could hardly stand listening to his friend emit such a wretched sound.

Kendall did the only thing he could think of to do. He wrapped James up in a tight embrace and swore to never let go. In that instant, all of Kendall's hostility and anger toward James vanished, and was replaced by longing. Longing to have his friend back, longing to make him okay, and longing to give him reason to believe that Kendall would never leave him again.

James shuddered and leaned into Kendall's touch. He found it comforting and warm. And safe. It was something he hadn't felt around Kendall in a long time, and he was going to make the most of it.

Lifting his head, he gazed up and his eyes met Kendall's. They spoke a thousand apologies.

James wasn't sure if he was ready for that yet, though. He could see himself forgiving his friends, yes, but anytime in the near future? That he couldn't see.

But none of that mattered in this moment. All that did matter was that Kendall was right there with him.

Kendall's thoughts weren't so bright. He was glad James felt comfortable enough to allow Kendall to be so close to him, but there was something gnawing away at the back of his mind, pestering him, and he knew it wasn't something he could dismiss as nothing. He studied James, reflecting on how broken he seemed and obvioulsy was, and though it killed him to think it, Kendall couldn't help it.

_I did this to him._

* * *

><p>Horray for bromance! I was sick of making Kendall act like a huge jerk, especially when he <em>knows <em>how hard a time James is going through, so I made him come to his senses and...this is the outcome.

I don't know, I didn't really like it. It wasn't intense enough for me, but don't worry, because there is a (hopefully) huge surprise coming next chapter, so stay tuned and as always, please review!


	8. Stricken

Reviews= Quick update!

Breakdown

Chapter 8: Stricken

"I understand you dogs have been going through a lot lately. So...go home and make up so there's no running around town when you're supposed to be here rehearsing tomorrow."

It had been an hour since Kendall found James having a breakdown in the dance studio. After about ten minutes of sitting with James in silence, Kendall had texted Logan, informing him of his and James' whereabouts. Logan, Carlos, Kelly and Gustavo had gone back to the Palm Woods to search for Kendall. It seemed they had all crossed paths at one point. Kendall remembered ducking at the sight of the limo, but he didn't mention it.

Now, after forty-five minutes of explanations and apologies, Gustavo was once again giving the boys the rest of the day off. He wasn't about to tell them, but he was seriously considering cancelling the tour. It wasn't because the boys were missing rehearsals and therefore weren't ready, although that was a small part of the reason. No, the main reason was because they were so visibly stressed as it was, and though Gustavo would _never _admit it, he did care about the boys and their well-beings.

The boys returned to the Palm Woods for the second in one hour that morning and immediately the room was tense with awkwardness and uncertainties of how to act. Casual? No, it was too early for that. And there was no way anyone was going to be raising their voice today.

The boys stood near the door they just came through and each looked like they wanted to bolt back through it and scram off in different directions.

Finally, after a lot of throat-clearing and avoided eye contact, Logan spoke. "I'm gonna go...sit, and...get my mind together, if you guys don't mind."

Now that the ice was broken, ridiculous as it was having ice to break between best friends, the other three jumped on the idea of having some alone time. They needed to talk things out, for sure, but Logan was right. They also needed some time to get their heads around, and within seconds Logan was in his room, Carlos was turning the oven on to make corndogs, Kendall was texting Jo asking her to meet up with him in the lobby, and James was heading down to the pool.

James let out a big, happy sigh as he exited the lobby and scanned the poolside area. It had been too long.

James reclined in his favourite chair and slipped on his black sunglasses, relishing the heat of the sun as it beat down on him. Oh, yes. It had been _way _too long.

James' mind started to wander to recent events, and he sat up quickly, not wanting to kepp thinking about it. _A distraction, _he mused. _Music. Yes! Perfect._

James fished his ipod from the pile of items he'd arranged on his towel, including (duh) his lucky comb, and sunscreen in case sun block girl came by.

James inserted the headphones into his ears and leaned back, smiling to himself. He was so content. He felt like, with the sun's rays warming him, upbeat music sounding in his ears, lost in his own little world, nothing could trash his mood.

...Except for a song that reminded him.

_This is Our Someday _blared in James' ears, and he recalled the night of the dress rehearsal...

_But Griffin, this is our someday._

_Close. It's your last day. _

_Your last day._

And then James was flooded with every emotion he'd felt since that dreadful night. Anger, hurt, confusion, frustration, sorrow, depression, hopelessness...

It was too much. It didn't matter that it was over now. It didn't matter that the band was back together. It didn't matter that the fighting was over...for now, anyway. James couldn't handle what he was feeling inside. It made his mind spin.

Hastily, James abandoned his chair and belongings and left the pool. He took long, brisk steps through the lobby and out the front entrance of the Palm Woods. He'd been debating all night about whether or not this was the right decision. But he was convinced now, convinced that it was.

His mind set, James began the lengthy walk to Hawke Records.

* * *

><p>"Where's Jamessssss?" Carlos whined for the sixth time that half hour.<p>

Logan sighed. "He's probably still at the pool, Carlos. He hasn't worked on his tan for days, and you know him. He'll be down there the whole day."

Carlos pouted. "But why? His tan is fine. I just want him to play one round of COD with me. Is that too much to ask? Is it?"

Logan buried his head in his arms and groaned. "I don't _know _Carlos. I'm not James."

"Well, could you pretend to be, just for five minutes, so you can eat pie and play video games with me? Pleeeease?"

Logan gave Carlos a look that said 'no way, so just drop it.' Then he sighed again. "Fine."

"Yay! I'm the purple controller."

"I don't care."

Carlos set up the game excitedly and was instantly screaming at the TV screen.

"He didn't kill me, I shot him first! Logan, did you see that? I shot him first, right?"

Logan was really regretting his decision to play. "Honestly Carlos, it doesn't matter if I saw it or not. It's not going to change anything."

Carlos scowled. "James would have agreed with me."

Logan rolled his eyes and bit his tongue. He really just wanted to drop the controller and go back to taking online medical quizzes, but he may have found it slightly entertaining to watch Carlos' side of the screen get tinted red every ten seconds. Carlos only played good when he played with James, for some weird reason.

Kendall walked in then, laughing as he witnessed Carlos jumping around and freaking at the screen, while Logan calmly killed opponent after opponent.

Logan grinned at Kendall, amusement lighting up his face. He jumped when Carlos suddenly smacked his controller against the couch. "We lost! And you got more kills than me! _And _less deaths. And-holy headshots!..." Carlos switched the gaming console off, grumbling something about Logan cheating.

Shaking his head, Logan turned back to Kendall. "How was your morning?"

"It was lovely spending time with Jo again. Seems like you had some fun yourself."

Logan rolled his eyes again. "Loads."

Carlos told the other two boys he was going to the lobby to but Fruit Smackers. As soon as the door closed behind him, Kendall's expression turned serious. "James isn't back yet?"

"Nope. Don't tell me you're worried."

"I'm worried. You didn't see him in the state I did yesterday. He looked so...broken. What if something's wrong? I mean, really wrong, more than just what we know?"

Of course Logan had thought about that possibility, but he hadn't been able to come up with anything. He just figured it was still the whole new James thing. That wasn't something James would sleep on, wake up, and think, _Hey, I'm good with my friends trying to replace me. _Logan got that.

But now...now it was different, because he knew something about someone else who had gone through some serious stuff...

"Kendall? When you, you know...is James showing the signs?"

And there it was. The question whose answer could change everything in a second. That was exactly what Kendall had been getting at. He just hadn't wanted to say it directly.

Slowly Kendall nodded. "He's distant, he isn't into singing when we record like he used to be... Loss of interest in hobbies is a _huge _warning sign. He's just not as happy anymore... I mean, sometimes he seems okay, but then all of a sudden he's just upset again."

And then it hit Logan. He took it as a blow to the gut. His knees went weak and his breathing hitched. If it was what he thought it was...

Slowly he managed to croak out, "Kendall, I don't think it's depression, exactly. But I do think I know what's wrong with him."

"What's wrong with who?" a female voice suddenly rang out from behind them.

Kendall and Logan jumped at the unexpected sound and spun to see Mrs. Knight and Katie standing in the doorway, feet surrounded by shopping bags.

Logan and Kendall shared a nervous look. Before either could get a word out, another voice, this one male, called out from down the hall.

"Hey, Mama K! Katie! How was-" Carlos cut off mid-sentence when he noticed how solemn the atmosphere in the room was.

Mrs. Knight motioned to Logan and Kendall, urging them to speak. "Well?"

Logan cleared his throat and swallowed. "We know how much James has been bothered by the whole losing the band thing. It's really been affecting him in a bad way. It's like he's...fading, I guess you could say. But there definitely something else. We can all see it. I think we need to stage an intervention to find out what's really getting to him. I already have an idea of what it might be, though."

Mrs. Knight held her hand over her heart as Logan spoke. She knew James had been more than upset when BTR broke up, but she'd had no idea it was this bad...however bad it was._ What kind of a guardian and second mother _am _I?_

Beside her, Carlos stared at the ground. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear this. Whatever it was, it already had him worried.

Katie broke the silence the almost seemed to echo after Logan had ceased talking.

"What do you think it is?" she sounded as nervous as Carlos and Kendall felt.

Logan inhaled deeply before replying. "I-I think James has-"

"You think I have what?" Once again, an unexpected voice interrupting from the doorway startled everyone, and they all looked at James, abashed for having been caught talking about him behind his back-_by _him.

"You think I _have _something? What kind of-wait, what am I saying, I don't have anything! And even if I did, it wouldn't be any of your business! Now stop trying to decode me. I'm fine!" With that, James whirled around and tried to make a run for it down the hall, but a force grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him back.

Carlos' voice pleaded in James' ear. "Please, James, let us help you."

"No-let go-I don't need help!"

"Logan says you do!"

"Logan doesn't know everything!"

There was now commotion in the hall. Carlos and Logan were holding James, preventing him from running, and Kendall stood close, one arm wrapped around his mother, the other securing his little sister close to him.

"You're lucky he wasn't there!" James screamed suddenly, confusing everyone. What did that have to do with anything?

Logan blew it off. He'd find out what that meant later.

"So, so lucky... Stop...there's nothing wrong with me...guys, please..." James was the one pleading now, begging to be let off the hook. As far as his friends were concerned, there was no way that was happening.

"James, it's gonna be okay, I promise. Alright? We're gonna take you somewhere where the people are nice and they'll make you feel better. Okay? Don' t you want to be happy again?"

Tears were now once again slipping down James' delicate cheeks. He nodded.

"Will you come with us, buddy?"

Another nod.

"Okay, great. Lets go to the car." Logan laid a gentle hand on James' arm. He quickly turned to the others, their faces masks of confusion and pain.

_Trust me, _Logan mouthed.

And they did.

* * *

><p>Kendall paced around the small waiting area of the hospital's psychiatric department anxiously. He had his hands jammed firmly into his pockets.<p>

Logan and Carlos were sitting in chairs, both tapping their feet in a nervous gesture.

Katie sat with her mother, eyes trained in the floor, motionless beside the rise and fall of her chest and back. Mrs. Knight was running her hands through her hair endlessly, wishing she could think of something to say. She was the adult here, for crap's sake!

But none of them could speak. Instead, they all went over and over in their heads what Logan had told them, and what that meant, for all of them, but specifically for James. That was, if Logan was right. If he was wrong, it could be nothing, just a little breakdown. Of course, it could also be something different, maybe something worse...

Before anyone could get too deep into that dreary thought, a young female doctor entered the waiting room and smiled at the weary fivesome.

"Hi, I'm Doctor Roberts. I examined James. We ran some tests, asked him a few questions, and, based on what you've all told me from the past couple of weeks, we have the diagnosis." Doctor Roberts paused to look at Logan. "Looks like you were right," she said. "James has bipolar disorder."

* * *

><p>Ah! Yes, I did it.<p>

Did you expect that? Be honest, how many people saw it coming? I doubt a lot of you figured it out last chapter, but I'm sure a bunch of you guessed it right near the middle of this one.

So it's not the exact same thing as Kendall, but it's kinda sorta similarish...ish.

If any of you readers have a doctor named Doctor Roberts, it's not a reference. I don't even know you.

Review? :D


	9. Judgments

**A/N So I am pretty ashamed to admit that I've been spelling 'Hawke' with an 'e' this entire time, and while watching "Big Time Superheroes" (which was absolutely AMAZING) I realized that, go figure, there is no e. So I won't make that mistake again. **

**On a less embarrassing note, I'd like to once again thank my reviewers for motivating me to update as quickly as I can, and to keep me going. Smiles for all of you!**

**And also for all of you:**

Breakdown

Chapter 9: Judgments

Carlos was a little confounded. James was having mood swings? That was it? That wasn't so bad. He got them all the time. Carlos knew lots of people who did, so why did James have to take pills for them when nobody else did?

Carlos peeked at James. They doctor had said he had an illness, but James didn't look very sick to Carlos, not like he had last night. His eyes were red and puffy from crying but other than that, he seemed normal. Carlos tried to determine when James would have another mood swing. It was hard to tell. Despite the fact the James had been crying earlier, he looked void of emotion now. His face was blank, empty eyes staring at the ceiling, but seeing nothing. Carlos couldn't even begin to guess at what was going through his mind right now.

Logan could, somewhat. He knew that James didn't want to believe he had a serious mental disorder. He knew James was going to deny it, even though it had already been made clear that he had manic depression.

And then there was Kendall. He knew about this kind of thing. He knew that James would do everything he could to get out of taking his meds. It would make the reality of the situation so much cleared to James. Kendall had been the same way. He felt that if he didn't need to take his medication, then nothing was wrong with him. But as he'd discovered the hard way, skipping your meds was...deadly.

Kendall also knew that the last thing James would want was for this to go public. If the media found out, James would completely lose it, and what he would do if that happened was impossible to know. James wouldn't want their friends like Jo and Camille to know. He probably wouldn't even want Kelly and Gustavo to know. Kendall remembered being afraid that he was going to be treated so differently because of his condition, and he was going to everything he possibly could to make sure James didn't feel the same way.

Mrs. Knight wondered how long this had been going on. She'd known James for ten years, and she's almost never seen him in a bad mood. He was always smiling and happy, and coming to out to LA had been his dream come true. Well, that dream turned out to be a nightmare. As the doctor had explained, coming out to LA was the reason for James' seemingly sudden onset of bipolar symptoms.

* * *

><p><em>One hour ago<em>

"When a person has bipolar disorder, they alternate between episdodes of mania and depression, or in simpler terms, highs and lows," Doctor Roberts explained. "The episodes can last anywhere from an hour to several weeks, and not all episodes are the same duration. It can be and usually is very random. During the episodes, mood strength is also unpredicatable. For example, during the depressive episode, the sufferer could simply seem like they are having an off day, whereas other times thoughts of suicide may occur. That's why it's very important to take mood stablilizing drugs, to surpress swings between episodes.

The sufferer doesn't necessarily have to be displaying symptoms at all times. Very often they go days without having an episode, but the tiniest thing or even nothing can trigger a depressive or elated reaction. In James' case, I believe the event of Big Time Rush breaking apart is what triggered his symptoms."

The other three members of the band nodded, still far too stupefied to react in any other manner.

Doctor Roberts went on to explain how the medication would help control James' emotional stability. Mrs. Knight listened intently, keen on remembering every last detail, but the boys were too lost in their own thoughts to hear the rest of what she had to say.

Carlos didn't quite understand what the doctor was saying. All he knew was that sometimes James was sad, and other times he was happy. But wasn't everyone like that? Carlos knew he got sad sometimes. Okay, so, it was extremely rare, but still, he wasn't happy _all _the time. Nobody was. So why was it so different for James?

Logan berated himself for not noticing this earlier. True, he wanted to be a _medical _doctor, not a psychiatrist, but he still felt that he should have seen the signs. He'd read about mental disorders, so why-_how-_had he not realized that his friend had a serious one?

Kendall was convinced that this was entirely his fault. Like Logan, he felt he should have noticed. James had changed since the concert. Kendall had noticed _that, _but even then, he couldn't put the pieces together, despite the fact that he out of everyone should have been able to recognize that something wasn't right. He'd gone through nearly the same thing! That made Kendall feel like the lousiest friend ever, but the worst part was that if he hadn't been so busy being mad at James, then maybe he would have paid more attention to his friend's well-being, and then he _would _have noticed.

Truthfully, Kendall was to be glad that they _had _caught this before James had done anything...drastic...but he knew it would be a while before he could forgive himself for doing this to James. To his _brother._ He knew it would take just as long for James to forgive him, too, and Kendall was ready and willing to wait for that day to come. As long as it took.

* * *

><p><em>Present time<em>

_I'm crazy. Everybody thinks it. I can't even control my god damn emotions, how am I not crazy? I have to take freaking medication for a few little mood swings. Why me? Why did I have to break down? Why is my life falling apart? Why did I make that deal with Hawk? Why, why, why?_

James started to rake his fingers down the sides of his head again when the pain stopped him. He'd forgotten about the scratches he'd made there. The hospital had bandaged them, but he'd ripped the ugly white pieces of gauze off as soon as he'd walked through the door to 2J. Then he'd slunk off into his room to reflect on this newfound self-discovery.

Normally James loved unconvering new things about his persona, like when he'd first found out he could sing, at age 5, he'd been so elated that he sung every sentence for the following month.

The instant he'd realized he had better hair than anyone else in his class in fourth grade, James went out and bought his lucky comb and showed it off and bragged about it to anyone who cared enough to pretend to listen, namely, Kendall, Logan, and Carlos.

But this...this was _not _something James was glad to find out about himself. This wasn't exciting news to go aroung blabbing to everybody. This wasn't some reward. It was a disaster. James couldn't even imagine how much his life was going to change. He was certain that the five people, excluding the doctors, who knew were going to treat him so differently, act like he could snap at any given second if they so much as helpfully pointed out to him that he had one hair out of place.

James didn't want his friends, second mother, and almost sister to be afraid of hurting him. He didn't want them to be all sympathetic smiles and whispered words of encouragement _all the time_, like he was sure they were going to be. Regardless of his condition and of what they thought, he wasn't going to shatter at one misspoken word. Didn't they know he was stronger than that?

James's thoughts wandered to Kendall. _Kendall. _He was depressed. He was medicated, too. Would his knowledge on the subject alter his reaction, the way he treated James?

A glimmer of hope flickered in James' heart. Maybe since Kendall knew what it was like, he wouldn't act like the others. Maybe he would handle James' whole situation in a completely different way and not change a thing in the way he and James interacted, and maybe, just maybe, he could convince the others to do the same.

James' musings abruptly turned around, much like his mood had been doing for the past while, and he began to recall his second trip to Hawk Records.

Hawk hadn't been there, and initially James had been seriously frustrated. He _needed _to get this information to Hawk ASAP, before BTR could make much more progress, and before James lost his nerve.

While walking slowly back from the rival studio, James must've had another mood swing, because suddenly he was relieved that Hawk hadn't been there. James was conflicted with the lingering decision. One second, he'd been so confident in the furture outcome of bringing BTR down and going back to Hawk, and the next, the thought of it nearly made him sick. How could he do that to them? He was part of Big Time Rush too, and chances were, Hawk would let James take the fall with the other band members as revenge for James taking a rain check on Hawk's three record deal with him.

By that time, James' angel and devil buddies were perched on his shoulders screaming in his ears. James listened to what they had to say for a while until he got annoyed and reminded himself that these were his thoughts and that they were all his to control, so he'd shut off his feelings and arrived at the Palm Woods emotionally numb.

Now James lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling and not thinking about anything as he tried to ignore the stares he was receiving from Carlos, who sat across the room on his own bed. Carlos remain eerily silent. It was actually quite disturbing, not hearing a peep from the boy, but James just embraced the silence and continued on with being numb and thoughtless.

A sharp knock on the bedroom door jarred him from his empty void, and he sat up and watched with non-existent interest as Carlos got up to open the door.

"Can I talk to James for a minute?" Kendall's voice asked, and a second later he was in the room and Carlos wasn't. He shut the door behind him and dropped down onto the side of the bed James wasn't occupying. James closed his eyes and wished Kendall away. He opened his eyes and was disappointed.

Kendall sighed and raked an apprehensive hand through his messy blonde locks. He didn't fail to notice the way James avoided looking at him.

Kendall took a minute to think about how he was going to go about this. He glanced at James and took in how lifeless he looked, and he decided just to come right out with it. James deserved the truth.

"I know how you feel. I know what you're going through. Well...not _exactly _down to a tee, but, trust me, I've gone through something similar. Still am. I have medication, like you, because I tried to hurt myself...because I have depression."

"I know," was what James almost said back, but he stopped himself just in time. He'd nearly forgotten that he'd found out by eavsdropping. He had to act surprised. Not a big deal for him, he'd been doing a lot of acting lately.

Slowly he turned to Kendall and stared directly into his eyes. The brunette said nothing, so Kendall continued.

"So now you know that I have shit going on in my head, too. And even if I didn't, I'd still always be there for you. This just makes us able to become even closer. So I want you to know that you can tell me _anything. _And...know that sorry isn't enough for me. I can't even try to explain to you how much I _hate _myself right now for what I did to you, and for not realizing. I feel like such a total ass. You're my _best friend, _and I didn't even notice how much you were hurting. And that hurt was because of me!"

James actually absorbed Kendall's words, felt the emotion Kendall was displaying, and James knew that Kendall was hurting just as much as James had been earlier that week. It was like he and Kendall had suddenly switched point of views, because now James was feeling like a giant turd. How could he have ever even _considered _screwing his friends over? _Hawk _was the enemy, _not _them. Not Kendall, Logan, Carlos.

James sat up and leaned back against the headboard. He felt a little flustered. Here Kendall was, spilling his deepest secret to James-not knowing he already knew- and being completely open and honest with James. The least James could do was assure him that this wasn't his fault.

"Kendall, shut up."

Kendall opened his mouth in surprise, then narrowed his eyes, ready to protest, but James forged on.

"This is _not _your fault. And don't say that it's partially yours, partially Logan's, and partially Carlos'. Because it's not, any of you. None of you knew this would happen-"

"Did you _not _hear Doctor Roberts? The band breaking up is what triggered it! How is that not our fault?"

"It't not your fault because I let myself think you guys didn't care about me and my dreams, when in reality, you care more about me than I do about you. You guys _did _try to get me and the band back, but_ I _was my selfish self and refused to go back with you. Then when you went on to replace me-_try _to replace me-I jumped to the conclusion that you guys had gotten over the fact that I wasn't coming back that fast, and it bothered me. I felt like you never really cared about helping me live out my dream, you just wanted to be famous, whether that meant sticking together or not. But that was _me _who did all that stuff. _I _left you guys behind, _I _went off on my own, and _I _almost lost my friendship with you guys. So don't you _dare_ say that this is your fault when I just made it so perfectly clear that it is anything but."

Kendall was shocked into speechlessness. He hated to admit it, but everything James had just said was true. Of course, though, Kendall knew it _was _still _partially _his fault, whether James thought so or not. He knew James didn't want to hear that though. On the other hand, Kendall was certainly not about to tell James that yes, it was all James' fault, and that every last thing that went down could be blamed on him. James was in a bad enough place as it was.

Instead, Kendall, with tears that he wasn't ashamed of shining in his eyes, placed a gentle hand on James' arm, and whispered, "I love you."

James smiled softly. He couldn't imagine hearing any better words at that moment. "I love you too."

Then he pulled his friend into a tight hug that he wanted to last forever. He settled for thirty seconds before he pulled away and laughed, earning a confused look from Kendall.

James explained, "This is so chick-flick."

A look of understanding crossed Kendall's features, and he joined in on the laughter. "Yeah, let's not do this again for a while."

James nodded. The mood in the room suddenly grew serious again, as Kendall had one more thing to say.

"This won't change anything between us."

James nodded again. "Nope. We're still bandmates."

Kendall raised an eyebrow, making James grin.

"_And _best friends."

The next string of words the two boys spoke together.

"No matter what."

* * *

><p>Hey guys! Sorry you didn't get a double update like usual. I was super busy all yesterday planning and attending a party, and today was homework day...woo.<p>

But hope you enjoyed anyway, and I'll do my best to get chapter 10 out to you beloved readers tomorrow, if not, Tuesday by the latest.

So what a sappy ending, huh? In my personal life, I'm really not into the whole huggy goopy affection crap, but writing this, I couldn't help it!

Oh, and, if you were wondering, those "I love you"s were _not _meant in a romantic way. It was pure brotherly affection.

Reviews make the world go 'round. *Ahem.* (Hint, hint)


	10. Medication

**A/N **Nice job to RainTastesGood for guessing bipolar disorder! And an apology for stealing your idea. Great minds think alike!

Breakdown

Chapter 10: Medication

"You only take one a day, in the morning. No more than that, unless we consult a doctor. It can take up to a week for them to take full effect." Mrs. Knight paraphrased the instructions on the bottle of Lamotrigine even though she remembered Doctor Roberts saying the same things.

James stared at the pill bottle in Mrs. Knight's hand. All his feelings of comfort and relief that Kendall had caused him to feel earlier evaporated, and now James stood there feeling humiliated. He knew it was wrong for him to feel so embarrassed about having to be medicated to control his emotions when everyone else could do it naturally, but he couldn't help it. It didn't matter that he knew it wasn't his fault and that there was nothing he could do about it. He still felt like he lacked the control that most people had.

Trying not to think about it too much, James took one of the small tablets from the bottle and swallowed it down with a swig of water, trying to convince himself that it was just like the aspirin he'd taken two days ago, but it didn't help. The water sloshed around uncomfortably in his stomach as he realized that he had just taken his first mood stabilizing pill.

The harsh reality of it hit James like a brick. He'd known about his condition for two hours now, but it didn't quite sink in until now. He was manically depressed.

_I'm bipolar. I'm crazy. I'm losing my mind, and now I have to rely on these pills so I don't go around trying to kill myself one day, and acting like I just won a million dollars the next. Crazy, crazy, crazy. _

"James?"

James blinked and pushed the saddening thoughts from his mind. He looked up at Mrs. Knight. She was smiling weakly, holding something out in front of him. His phone. He swallowed hard, knowing what it meant.

"I think you should give your mother a call. Unless you want me to do it?"

James shook his head hastily. He and his mother were going to talk about this eventually, so he might as well be the one to tell her. He knew she'd ask for him the instant Mrs. Knight told her, anyway.

James took his phone into the living room. He dialed his mother's number with shaking hands and held the phone up to his ear.

"_Hello, Brooke Diamond, Brooke Diamond Cosmetics."_

The instant he heard his mother's voice, James froze. His mind was blank. How was he supposed to do this?

_"Hello?"_

"M-mom..."

_"James? Is that you? Oh, my boy, is everything alright?"_

James fought back panic and forced himself to speak. "Everthing's fine! Why would you ask that?"

_"Well, you don't sound fine. And we've hardly spoken since you went out to LA. I figured you called me because something's wrong."_

"Well..."

_"Do you want to come home and be CEO of my company?"_ Brooke's voice took on a tone of excitement.

"No...I don't, but Mom..."

_"Yes, sweetie, what is it?"_

The words caught in James' throat. He turned to see Mrs. Knight standing in the kitchen, watching him closely. From where she stood she could see his face pale.

"S-something is wrong, Mom."

This time Brooke's voice was laced with concern and fear. _"What? What is it? James, tell me!"_

James felt tears prickling at his eyes, and he quickly blinked them back. He refused to cry.

James opened his mouth to answer, but the words wouldn't come out. He knew all he had to say was 'I'm bipolar', but it was too hard. He hadn't said it yet, and he _really _didn't want to. As if the medication wasn't bad enough, he knew having to say the words, and to his _mom _of all people, would make the actuality of it all that much clearer.

_I might as well just tell her I've gone crazy. It's still the truth._

James' stomach lurched. He couldn't do this. Whirling around, James fumbled the phone into Mrs. Knight's hands and staggered into the bathroom.

He slammed the door to drown out the sound of Mrs. Knight telling his mother that he was insane. Maybe mentally unstable was a better way to put it, but James didn't care. It all meant the same thing, when you got right down to it.

James sat in front of the toilet and waited for the nausea to pass. He closed his eyes and took deep, calming breaths. Finally his stomach stopped its acrobatics and James leaned back against the wall, feeling totally spent.

Just then there was a gentle knock at the door. James swore, if all this gentleness continued because people were so terrified that he was going to break, then he'd _really _show them a mood swing.

James chuckled humourlessly to himself. Here he was, diagnosed for less than three hours, and already he was making fun of himself. Ridiculous.

Another knock sounded, and James sighed. He really just wanted to be alone right then, but the rational part of his mind told him it was probably better not to be. It left his mind wide open to thoughts of all kinds, mostly bad.

"Come in."

The door swung open to reveal worried looking Kendall, Carlos, and Logans. Logan's eyes immediately widened at the sight of a pale James sitting beside the toilet.

"Are you okay?" the doctoral boy asked frantically.

James glanced at the empty toilet, then back to Logan. "Yeah. I'm fine." _Right. That's what you just told your mom ten seconds ago before you almost started puking your guts out._

Logan looked at him with a mixture of skepticism and apprehension written across his features. James' reaction to anything they said was completely up in the air, but he was genuinely concerned about his ill-looking friend.

"Were you getting sick?" he asked carefully, tensing as he prepared to be yelled at. Kendall and Carlos made similar gestures.

But James stayed calm, much to their relief. "No. I thought I was going to, but-" He lowered his eyes. "She's telling my mom."

His friends nodded empathetically.

"What is she going to think? She never takes bad news well." The other boys kept quiet as James rambled on, growing more and more nervous.

"Who else are we going to tell? No one, right? I don't want anybody else to know."

"Well, Kelly and Gustavo-"

"No! Not even them. Nobody! They'll think I'm insane. I am insane! Guys, why? Why? Can you tell me why? I don't-I don't know what this even is. I mean, is this really happening? Am I losing my mind or something? Because, you see, I hear these voices sometimes, and they, they fight and it's driving me crazy, and that word describes me perfectly, and-don't tell _anybody!"_

James was turning even paler as he gasped for air, and Carlos unconsciously moved closer to Kendall, while Logan knelt down next to James. "James, please, calm down. Okay? You're going to hyperventilate. Just relax, we aren't going to tell anyone."

Slowly James' breathing became steady, and his eyes lost their cr- slightly deranged look.

"That it buddy, just breathe. You're okay." Logan rubbed conforting circles on James' heaving shoulder while the panicky boy got his breath back.

"Better?" Logan asked. Kendall handed him a cup of water, which Logan in turn passed over to James.

James nodded and sipped at the water. He drank half the cup before setting it down by his knees. He kept his eyes on the Carlos' socked feet and shuddered.

"I'm sorry guys." He spoke hoarsely. "I can't- I mean, I... I don't know anymore."

"Shh, James, don't worry about it. It's alright. We're here, we're not going anywhere."

Logan's soothing tone made James feel sleepy. It it weren't for the cold hardness of the bathroom floor, he might have fallen asleep. That and the lingering thought of how his mother was taking the news at this very second. Oh god, his mother. The _news_.

Logan jerked back when James unexpectedly pitched forward and leaned over the toilet bowl. This time, he did get sick.

* * *

><p>"How you feeling, sweetie?"<p>

James didn't answer. Instead he asked a question of his own, the one that had been burning away in his mind for the past half hour.

"My mom...?"

Well, it was a full sentence in his mind.

Mrs. Knight sighed and lowered herself onto the edge of James' bed.

"She's...adjusting."

James groaned and rolled his eyes. That was what adults always said when they didn't want to admit that someone was freaking out.

"Mrs. Knight, please just tell me. Does she hate me?"

Mrs. Knight's eyes widened and her heart nearly broke at the question. She scooted closer to James and smoothed down his hair at the front. Her hand brushed over his forehead, and she frowned at the heat. She was going to ask James again how he was feeling, and go get him some Tylonel, but his eyes were staring at hers, silently pleading, and she knew he deserved the truth.

"James, your mother could never hate you. She's just a little upset. Not at you though, of course, no, she's upset because you're her baby and she doesn't like to see you sad or sick or hurt. She said she'd call later to talk to you, once you felt better. Does that sound good to you?"

James nodded. Of course his mother didn't hate him. How could he possibly think that?

"Good. And remember, no matter what, you're surrounded by people who love and care about you. Nothing you could do could ever make us turn against you."

James nodded, but he was thinking the opposite. _Thinking I'd never come back and moving on was turning against me._

_STOP thinking about it. You're only making yourself worse._

James sighed and let his eyes roam around his room while Mrs. Knight tried to inconspicuously feel his forehead again.

James smirked, knowing what she was doing. Suddenly she stood up. "I'll be right back," she announced. "I'm going to get you something for your fever."

James nodded once more as she left the room.

The instant Mrs. Knight entered the kitchen, she was bombarded with questions.

"Is he alright?"

"Did you tell him about his mom?"

"Is he sick?"

"Can we go see him?"

Mrs. Knight couldn't help but smile at the concern the boys were showing for their friend. Even Katie seemed worried. She was actually the one who's asked if they could see him. Mrs. Knight was surprised, but impressed.

She gave the boys reassuring looks. "James is fine," she told them. "He just has a slight fever. I think that and him throwing up were caused by all the stress he's experiencing. Poor thing. And his mother took it better than I expected," she added. "Of course, she's worried sick. She's going to call later. I think once she talks to James and sees that it's not as bad as she thinks, she'll have an easier time accepting it."

Four heads nodded.

She found the Tylonel and read the warning on James' Lamotrigine. He could take other medications with them, as long as he only took half the daily dosage. So for the Tylonel, the maximum daily dosage was four, which meant James could only have two.

Satisified, Mrs. Knight started back to James' room when she was stopped by Katie.

"Mom, is this going to change a lot? I mean, is James still going to be able to perform and stuff?"

Mrs. Knight gave her daughter a dubious look, and the ten year old blushed.

"I'm not asking in regards to money! I just...want to be sure that he's going to be the same."

The girl's mother smiled and kissed her daughter atop her head. "He might not be the exact same, Katie. But we are going to show him that that doesn't matter to us. We are going to be there for him through all the hard times, and the good ones."

Katie just nodded. She understood.

Then Mrs. Knight turned to the boys. "Thank you, boys, for being so strong and supportive already. I know this is only the beginning, but I know you boys will stick it out."

Kendall went over to his mother and hugged her tightly. "Forever."

Katie joined the hug. She felt her brother's warm arms wrap around her, and suddenly she felt safe. She felt like none of this was happening to one of her almost brothers.

Then Mrs. Knight kissed her again, slipped from Kendall's grasp, and headed to James and Carlos' room. The illusion shattered, and Katie was left clinging to her brother as her mature mind pondered over the possibilities of what might happen if everyone was wrong when they said James was going to be okay.

* * *

><p>So I did a bit of reasearch on the medication. Lamotrigine is real and it's for bipolar disorder, and everything except the thing about taking it with other medication is true. I made the thing up about other medication because I couldn't find anything about that online. Sorry to anyone who knows about this stuff and I'm wrong.<p>

Wow. I'm also sorry that it's kinda short. And that it totally blows. Well, not completely. I like the first half. The second half I wrote with a horrible stomachache, and it just went down. I mean, I can't believe I made Katie such a pessimest. But you know someone had to be doubtful. So sorry. I hope to redeem myself next chapter!


	11. Stress

Breakdown

Chapter 11: Stress

James had slept peacefully for the rest of the day and all through the night, so why did he feel so tired? Was it a side effect of the medication? Maybe since his body wasn't used to it... James didn't know where he was going with that thought.

"You're just super stressed," Logan confirmed. "That's also why you were sick yesterday. Don't worry about it though, it's totally understandable. I don't blame you for being tired."

Logan's words were a fairly large comfort to James. His friends weren't angry or frustrated with him, and that made him feel more confident.

Despite being so tired he was about to fall asleep standing up, today was a good mood day for James. So far. He'd only been awake for two hours. He remembered what the doctor and Mrs. Knight had said about the pills taking around a week to reach their full effect.

He smiled weakly at the reassuring words of his friend. "Thanks, Logan."

"Are you _sure _you want to go? Maybe you shouldn't. No offense, but I don't think you'll be able to do much. Since you're so tired, I mean."

James shrugged. "Maybe it'll wake me up. And besides, I've missed enough practice as it is. Gustavo will kill me if I don't go today."

"Do you really care what Gustavo thinks?"

"If it involves him thinking about kicking me out of the band, then yes."

To Logan's doubtful look, James quickly added, "I'll be _fine."_

_I've heard that before._

Logan internally shook his head. Then he sighed. "Alright. You can come. But if you start to feel weird in _any _way, you tell us and you're coming right back home. Got it?"

"Yes, Doctor Logan. I get it."

"Good." Logan allowed himself to smile. James seemed okay this morning. Logan was relieved to see his friend happy and healthy. It was such an improvement from the past week.

"Then can we go?" James asked impatiently.

Logan laughed. "Yeah. Kendall, Carlos! Lets go, we're gonna be late!"

The two mentioned boys came tumbling down the swirly slide and raced to the door. Then the four walked down the hall, piled into the elevator, crossed the lobby, exited the Palm Woods, and were greeted with a freshly waxed limosine to take them to Rocque Records.

* * *

><p>"DOGS, YOU'RE...on time...?" Gustavo's eyes gave away his surprise, but he hastily blinked it away and shoved the unusually punctual boys into the recording booth.<p>

"Alright, your setlist for the tour is Famous, Any Kind of Guy, The City is Ours, and This Is Our Someday," Kelly informed them. "So we'll start with Famous."

The boys nodded and adjusted their headphones over their ears.

The music began playing, and Kendall opened his mouth and sang.

_"Do you want to ride in a big limosine?"_

James sang next, his angelic voice filling the booth and putting smiles on everyone's faces. It had been too long since they'd heard him sing.

_"Tell me, do you want to take a little bite of the fame machine?"_

Carlos sang his lines in a significantly lower tone than the other two.

_"If you wanna be discovered, and end up on the cover of __every star studded supermarket magazine."_

They ran through Famous, Any Kind of Guy, and The City Is Ours sounding better than they ever had. Gustavo would never admit it, of course, but he was rather impressed.

Then they started This Is Our Someday.

_"When everyday feels like the other.  
>And everywhere looks just the same.<br>When every dream seems like forever.  
>And you're a face without a name."<em>

_"..."_

James's mind froze, and so did he. What were the words? Why did they have to sing this song? Why did it have to remind him? Why couldn't he get over the fact that the band was back together and practicing for a tour?

Why, why, why?

That seemed to be the only question lingering in James' mind lately.

"JAMES!"

James snapped back to attention, but it was too late. Gustavo was already seething.

"WHY AREN'T YOU SINGING?"

James felt the eyes of the other guys on him, but he refused to return the glance. Instead he just blushed and mumbled an apology.

Gustavo rubbed his temples with his pudgy fingers. "DO IT AGAIN!"

James continued to ignore his friends and tried to pay attention. The song started over, and Kendall sang his lines.

But James was instantly lost again, his mind going back in time to the last time they sang this song.

"JAMES!"

James knew he had missed his cue. And he really didn't want to deal with a furious producer and worried, sympathetic friends at that moment, so James tore off his headphones, flung the door open, and bolted from the recording room. He flew by old, best-selling records and posters of long-forgotten boy bands. All the while, agonizing phrases ran through his head.

_"The album, tour, and concert are cancelled."_

_"Big Time Rush is dead."_

_"Gustavo isn't coming back."_

_"Look around, James. There's nobody pulling up in a shiny car, offering to make our dreams come true."_

_"If they were _really _your friends, would they be searching all over town for your replacement?"_

Why?

When James returned to his senses, he realized he was standing just outside Rocque Records, breathing heavily.

Before he had a chance to get his breath back, Big Time Rush blared from in his pocket. James jumped at the sound of his ringtone, not expecting it, even though he should have been. It had to be one of his friends. And it was. James' screen read 'Incoming Call: Logan'.

James tucked his phone back into his pocket. He was in no mood to talk. He knew he wasn't thinking clearly. He knew the logical thing to do was to go back into the studio and finish up with rehearsals. He didn't see his friends running out because they had so much on their minds that they forgot the lyrics.

Then again, they hadn't found out the day before that they were mentally insane.

A sharp pain shot through James' chest and made its way into his stomach. He didn't care how angry Gustavo was. He didn't care that he was being an irrational baby. And he didn't care that at this rate, there would be no tour.

All he cared about at that moment was going back to the apartment and sleeping until noon.

So James, decision made, stalked away from Rocque Records and began the lengthy walk back to the Palm Woods, turning his phone off.

* * *

><p>"He didn't answer the first time, and now it went to voicemail."<p>

"He probably turned it off because he doesn't want to talk to us."

"Yeah, I don't _care _about what he's doing, I _care _about WHERE HE IS! Now go find your friends and BRING THEM BACK HERE IMMEDIATELY!"

Without having to be told twice, Logan and Carlos bolted from the studio. Kendall was already attempting to pursue James.

"Do you think we should have told Gustavo?" Carlos asked Logan as they ran down the stairs.

"About James'...condition?"

"Yeah."

Logan shook his head. "No. I mean, yes, we definitely should, and we will. Just not yet. I think we should leave that up to James."

"But I don't think James wants to tell him."

"Trust me, I can reason with James. And anyway, we shouldn't do it without James there. When he ran out, I was going to explain so Gustavo wouldn't get as mad, but then I thought that isn't fair to James. It's his choice."

Carlos nodded as they reached the bottom of the stairs and ran out the front entrance. It made sense.

Upon arriving outside, the two dark-haired boys saw that neither of their friends were anywhere to be seen. They knew James wasn't going to be answering his phone, and Kendall had said he would text if he found James, but Logan decided to give him a call anyway.

_"Logan? I haven't found him yet."_

"Us, either. You think he got a cab and went back to the Palm Woods?"

_"Actually, I think he started to walk back to the Palm Woods. I see him now, just a bit ahead of me. We're on Rodeo Drive. I'm gonna go catch up to him. Meet you back at the apartment?"_

"Deal. And...make sure he's okay."

_"Logan..."_

"I know, I know, stupid thing to say. See you soon."

Logan flipped his phone shut and glanced at Carlos. "Kendall found him. He's walking back to the apartment. They're about five minutes ahead of us."

Carlos nodded. "Lets go."

* * *

><p>"James! James, slow down man, I'm not going anywhere, so don't even try to outwalk me."<p>

James sighed and slowed his pace. He still refused to look at Kendall.

"James, what are you doing? Why did you just leave like that?"

Like the storm that comes after the calm, James whipped around and lashed out on Kendall.

"Why? _Why? _I'll tell you _why, _Kendall. I'm messing up, and it's affecting the entire band, and I know Gustavo won't stand for that! Either will I!"

Kendall's features suddenly darkened with anger. "No, what Gustavo won't go for is someone who doesn't believe in themself and walks out everytime they don't do something flawlessly. And I know the real you won't stand for that, either. The real you knows how to fix his mistakes!"

And then James was the calm again. He laughed monotonically. He spoke flatly, lifelessly. "I don't even know who the real me is anymore."

"James, don't say that-"

"Why not? It's true. One minute I'm the same happy-go-lucky guy I've always been, desperate to live life to the fullest, and the next I'm...not even desperate to live."

"James! Don't you _ever _talk like that! I _know _that isn't true. Yeah, you may have your off days, especially lately, but you _don't _mean that."

James was silent for a moment. His head was lowered in what appeared to Kendall to be concentration.

Then James looked up, and tear-filled hazel eyes met glinting, anxious green ones.

"You're right, Kendall." James' voice was barely more than a whisper. "I didn't mean that. I swear I've never thought that before. But that fact that I said it...it scares me. Kendall, what am I supposed to do?"

And then, right there in the middle of the street, James threw his arms around Kendall in a crushing hug and sobbed.

Kendall wasn't embarrassed in the slightest. He didn't care if they got strange, curious looks from passer-by's. They had no idea what was going on.

Kendall wrapped one arm around his devasted friend and rubbed his back with the other.

"Shh, James, it's gonna be okay. I promise. Me, Logan, Carlos, my mom, Katie, we're all here for you, no matter what. We're not going anywhere, okay? I promise, buddy. I promise you."

And in that insant, James knew it was going to be okay. Because Kendall never broke his promises.

* * *

><p>Logan and Carlos burst through the door of 2J and spotted Kendall sitting on the couch with James's legs on his lap. The brunette was fast asleep. Logan and Carlos smiled at the sight.<p>

"Hey, guys." Kendall carefully slipped from under James and replaced himself with a pillow. The other boy didn't stir.

"Hey, how is he?" Logan asked quietly.

"Yeah," Carlos whispered. "What happened?"

Kendall began to look nervous. "Well first he said he ran out because he thinks he's messing up and it's affecting us. I told him that's completely untrue. Then he said he didn't know who he is anymore, and then...he said he didn't mean it, but, he said-he said that some days he doesn't feel like living."

Logan's mouth dropped open, and he was left speechless.

Carlos stuttered out "W-what?"

Kendall shook his head. "He said he didn't mean it. He said he's never even thought that before, and I believe him. But then he said he felt scared and now he doesn't know what to do..."

Kendall's eyes had drifted to stare at the floor while he spoke, and he now lifted them to look into Logan's, then Carlos'. And then out of Kendall's mouth came the words he never thought he'd say in the entire duration of his life.

"I'm scared, too."

Tears immediately sprung to Carlos' eyes, and he grabbed onto Logan's arm as the tears spilled, hot and silent, down his cheeks.

"It-it's just from the disorder. That's the only reason he said that. Once the pills start working, he'll be back to normal..." Logan wasn't sure who he was trying to convince; his friends, or himself.

Carlos only shook his head and cried into Logan's shoulder. He wanted to beg for Logan to make James better, because Logan was smart and studying to be a doctor, and he had always made the other three feel better any time they felt bad. But Carlos could see that this was something a thermometer, gauze, or a heart-to-heart couldn't fix.

"Look," Logan stated, trying to remain calm for all their sakes. "James hasn't tried anything. He's on medication. We're all well aware of his condition and what could result from it. We're with him almost 24 hours a day. So we watch out for him. Make sure we confront him if we see any sign that he might be heading into a deep depression. And we fix it. If we have to take him to the hospital to keep him from doing something...like that, then we take him. As long as we're around and alert, nothing will happen."

Kendall glanced back at James, still asleep on the couch. He looked so peaceful, like nothing could touch him. But Kendall knew that was all an illusion. Sleep was probably James' only escape from all the inner turmoil Kendall knew he was experiencing. Kendall knew how it felt.

Turning back to his other two friends, Kendall nodded. "Logan is right," he said. "We keep a close eye on him, and he'll be fine. We know what to look for. Loss of interest in hobbies, loss of appetite, sudden aversion to us and anything else he loves, excessive sadness...with us by his side, he'll realize his life is worth living."

A moment of silence passed before Carlos finally lifted his head from Logan's now damp shirt. They were right. James had them, and they had James. What could go wrong?

Just then, the band's first hit was echoing through the apartment. It came from Kendall's jeans pocket.

He pulled the music-blaring device from his pocket and held it up.

"You have his phone?" Logan asked suspiciously.

Kendall nodded. "He had it off, I guess when we kept calling and texting him. I turned it on to delete the missed calls and messges. I didn't want him to be reminded right he woke up, you know?"

Logan nodded in understanding, then continued the motion toward the phone.

Kendall glanced at the screen, and Logan and Carlos saw his eyes widen in surprise.

"What?" they cried simultaneously.

Kendall frowned. "It's...Hawk...?"

"What?"

Still frowning, confusion crinkling his brow, Kendall pressed the answer key and held the phone up to his ear.

"Hel-"

_"Do you have the information?"_

"What?"

_"The information. I thought we had a deal. Don't tell me you forgot. It was your idea to break down Big Time Rush from the inside. Middle man, you called yourself. Now, what were you able to dig up, Jamez?"_

Logan and Carlos watched on as Kendall's frown turned to a look of shock and horror. "Kendall!"

Kendall's breathing hitched at the impossible words of the deep voice on the other end of the line. Then the voice was silenced as the phone slipped from his grip and clattered to the floor.

* * *

><p>Doooneeee. I don't know why, but that took so much out of me to write. It's like I had ideas, but I couldn't figure out how to pace the story and stuff...but I think it turned out pretty good.<p>

And...I hope you do to? Only one way to find out.

(Here's the part where you click that blue highlighted button down there) :) Maybe manners will help. Please? And thanks!


	12. Explanations

Breakdown

Chapter 12: Explanations

James yawned and opened his eyes. Whoa, wait, where was...?

Then he remebered falling asleep on the couch after he and Kendall had returned. Where was Kendall now?

James sat up and winced when his head began to throb, like a grenade going off inside his brain. Was this stress, too, or was it the medication? God, everything was so messed up.

Fighting against the pain to elevate himself into a sitting position, James glanced around quickly. Kendall had been right there when he'd fallen asleep. Where was he now? Where was anyone, for that matter? James could see that nobody was in the kitchen, and the lack of strange noises coming from anywhere else in the apartment told James that Carlos wasn't there. Maybe Kendall had just gotten up to go to the bathroom or something.

Swinging his legs over the side of the couch and rising to his feet, James grabbed his head and bit back a moan. The movement had exacerbated his headache which he was beginning to think was actually a migraine. The room spun, and James quickly sat back down. Hopefully Kendall would be back soon, because James could really use an aspirin and a tall glass of water, so cold that condensation dripped down its sides, and he definitely wasn't going to be getting back up anytime soon.

James rested his pulsing head back onto the pillow Kendall must've put there when he left and closed his eyes, but he knew it was to no avail. There was no way his bitch of a migraine was going to let him fall asleep.

But James lay still anyway, figuring it was his best bet to avoid further agony.

James lay on the couch in peaceful silence for a while, and his head stopped its incessant pounding. James felt rather relaxed, and his wonder as to where Kendall was slipped his mind as he felt himself slowly drifting into sleep.

James never fell fully asleep, because just as suddenly as he'd started to, the door suddenly slammed inward, startling James as his eyes flew open. Before he even saw his friends' faces, James got a horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach that told him something bad was about to go down.

James opened his mouth to greet his friends, but immediately thought twice when he noticed their mixed expressions.

Carlos looked immensely upset. Sad or disappointed, James couldn't quite tell. Maybe some of both.

Logan seemed disturbed, and maybe even a little...guilty? But there was a hint of frustration and hurt on his face, as well. It was difficult to pin point one emotion he displayed.

And then there was Kendall. Anger-no, _fury_, was written all over his face. His thick brows were narrowed dangerously, his mouth twisted in a menacing scowl, fists tightening at the sight of James, who was now sitting up on the couch, headache back with a vengeance as he struggled to determine with no information what it was that had his friends looking so intimidating.

"Why you little-"

"Kendall!" Logan and Carlos lurched forward and grabbed onto Kendall's shoulders, holding him back. James could see from where he sat that the two calmer boys were using almost all of their strength to keep Kendall from moving any further. He could also now see that Kendall's hostility was directed toward him. James felt his stomach clench. Whatever this was, it did _not _look good.

"Do you really hate us that much? Do you? Have you totally lost your freaking god damn mind? You want to secretly destroy us and work with Hawk? Go right ahead, I'm not stopping you. In fact, I'm encouraging you to. You two will make such a _great team! _You're both evil, crazy bastards, and you better believe that there is _no way _you can come grovelling back to us once you realize what a mistake you've made. Because I am _done _with you!"

"Kendall-"

"Shut up! I don't want to hear any of the pathetic excuses you're wracking your mind to think up right now. I don't want to hear _anything _you have to say, ever again! I don't even want to be near you. I don't want you in my life! I told you something that only two other people know, and I trusted you with that information. But that night, that stupid night will all the mushy secret-sharing, that was to get the information you needed, wasn't it? And do you remeber what I told you the next day? Of course you do, you had to remember, so you could run and tell your _other _producer that Big Time Rush has shocking secrets that need to be exposed in order to kill their careers!"

"Kendall, I wasn't going to do it, I-I wasn't thinking clearly, okay, I was still mad about the band breaking up and-and..."

"And what? Your 'condition' was affecting your thoughts in such a way that you couldn't see who the true enemy was? _Hawk _is the enemy, James! He always has been, always will be! So if you want to go work under his label and get screwed over, then go right ahead and do it! We don't care! And just remember, while you're sitting at home back in Minnesota bitching and crying about how your dream never panned out, _we _will still be rocking out and living the life of fame as Big Time Rush _without you. _And you'll have absolutely _no one _to blame but yourself. You and your other personality."

James used his unability to think of anything to say to allow his mind to catch up and comprehend what was happening. They knew about him and his not-so-secret deal with Hawk. Kendall was, predictably, pissed. Logan and Carlos looked like they were caught between being half as mad as Kendall, and disagreeing with some of the things Kendall had said.

But how did they know? It wasn't like Hawk was going around making this public. And then a cold chill settled over James, and he shivered. _This was Hawk's plan all along. To get me to do this so I wouldn't be confused and caught off guard when he made sure that the others found out. How did that son-of-a-bitch do it?_

But now wasn't the time to think about that. Now was the time to fight for his life... or, more-so, his career. And his friendship.

"Y-you guys, you know I would never do that to you. Right? Why do you believe Hawk, anyway? You say he's the enemy. So why can't he be the one lying? What makes you _so sure _he didn't scheme this whole twisted thing out to break us up himself, hmm?"

Kendall was practically seething at this point. He wasn't having any of this. "Oh, jeez, I don't know James, maybe because you _just admitted _that you did it. I mean, sheesh, yeah, you weren't thinking clearly. Maybe you weren't thinking clearly when you said that. Want to rephrase that earlier confession?"

_Crap. _He had said he wasn't go to do it, and that it was only because he was mad. But that was all the proof Kendall needed. It had crossed James' mind, and he'd acted. He'd gone to Hawk. Whether this was all an evil arrangment of Hawks or not, James had still went along with it in the beginning, thinking he would rise and BTR would fall. Bad move.

Kendall picked up from where he'd left off. "Too bad. I don't wanna hear it."

With that final remark, Kendall turned in a fit of rage and stormed from the apartment, leaving a conflicted Logan and Carlos with James. James' face had drained of any trace of colour. He was trembling so badly the couch shook. His eyes seemed to be glued to the door Kendall had just stalked out of, as if he though staring at it would make Kendall pop his head back in and laugh 'Gotcha! The look on your face! Priceless.' Some joke that would have been.

But Kendall didn't come back. Instead, Logan glared down at James and began his own tirade; however, he managed to remain significantly calmer than Kendall. The thing was, Logan hardly ever got mad. So when he did get mad, you could _tell. _

"Was this _your _plan all along? Were you doing this to get revenge on us? Let me guess, you didn't even _really _stop working with Hawk. You just made it seem that way so we wouldn't suspect a thing. And now that you have the opportunity, you're going to get this information released into the public as soon as you and your creppy little manager can."

"No, Logan, it isn't like that-"

"Save it, James. You know, this whole week I've been telling Kendall to lighten up on you, but now? Now I don't disagree with anything he said."

Logan mimicked Kendall's movements of only a minute before, whirling around and stomping out the door, probably off to go find Kendall and blab about what a huge mistake they made taking James back.

That left Carlos. He was hesitant as he debated over what to say or do. James had no one on his side. Should he stick up for his lonely friend?

But he had heard Kendall relay the phone call. It certainly sounded like James didn't care what they did. Carlos knew this was his decision to make, and he knew what he had to base it on. The truth. And James hadn't been telling it lately. It suddenly seemed like a no brainer to Carlos.

Regardless of what he was about to do, he wouldn't do it the same way Kendall and Logan had.

Carlos glanced at James with a look of sadness and sympathy on his face. "I'm sorry, buddy," he whispered, and he turned and slowly walked away.

James watched with an aching heart as the last of his friends walked away, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

Maybe he deserved this. Even though he'd come to the conclusion that it was most definitely _not _the right thing to do, James had still gone to Hawk in the first place. This was just karma's way of saying 'Fat bitch coming through.'

He should have seen it coming.

He should have been a better friend.

Should, should, should. The word echoed in James' mind, reminding him that _should have _indicated past tense. He _should have _done all that stuff, but he hadn't, and now it was too late. Apparently not everything that is broken can be fixed.

So, was this it then? Was this what it all came down to? Was this how their friendship was going to end? Coming to a screeching halt all because _he _had royally screwed up?

It looked that way to James. He very strongly believed that, despite everything they'd already gone through, as bandmates and as friends, this was really, truly the end. Of Big Time Rush, and of their ten year long brotherhood.

One mistake, and it was all over.

* * *

><p>James Diamond felt like his life was ending.<p>

He snatched his phone which had somehow ended up on the floor and dialed.

"Hawk Records, Hawk speaking. How may I help you crush the dream of a rival?"

"Hawk!"

"Ah, Jamez. I was hoping to speak to you. You should know I already informed the fellow members of your soon-to-be once-was band of your evil little scheme."

"I know," James growled.

"How are they taking the news?"

"Well. And you should know that _I'm _about to inform _you _that I'm done with this stupid plan. You're not getting anything about them out of me. Oh, and I know this was _your _plan all along."

"Nicely done, Jamez. You figured it out a whole hour sooner than I'd expected. Sadly, you no longer work for me, and your friends are done with you as well, so where does that leave your sorry self? _Alone. Hated. _Normal, no longer famous, no longer part of something huge. An almost-was. Just another face in Minnesota."

James gritted his teeth and gripped his phone so tighly he thought he'd break that, his hand, and his jaw.

James struggled to control his breathing. He pulled the phone away from his ear and moved his finger over the end button. James could hear a faint 'Caw! Caw!' and he changed his mind.

Without bothering to end the call, James reached his arm back, swung it forward with all the strenth he possessed, and launched the device across the room. It connected with the wall and shattered into several chunks, scattering through the air and skittering across the floor.

The last piece stopped sliding and ended up near his feet. James stared down at it and embraced the sudden silence. James had always thought it was so cliche when in movies the line 'It's quiet. Too quiet,' was used. It drove James absolutely crazy. But now he understood why that quote was used so damn much. Because it was true. It was completely and utterly soundless and still in the room, and it was slowly but surely building up a volcano of blind rage inside of James. He felt like there was a silent ticking going off somwhere, counting down the seconds until he erupted.

And then the ticker got down to one and suddenly stopped. All was calm.

Calm. James felt...calm. Relaxed, even. Or maybe he was just numb.

Either way, James knew it wasn't good. But that was as clear as his thoughts were going to get at that moment. He was numb, and it wasn't good. But that meant nothing to James. He didn't care about bad or good or _anything _right then.

As if he was no longer in control of his body, James turned sharply and headed into the kitchen. He tore through the medicine cabinet, knocking bottles of pills and pink liquid and repulsive cough syrups over in his desperate search. James looked down into the sink where half the medication had fallen and saw it. Perfect.

Smiling slyly, James plucked the bottle from the sink and eyed the label. 'Warning: Do not exceed maximum dosage.' He remebered Mrs. Knight saying he was to take only one a day, in the morning. He'd already had his today. What a shame. He didn't care.

James still felt surprisingly calm despite what he was about to do. It should have scared him. Normally it would have. But this was different. He was too numb. He didn't want to feel, so he didn't allow himself to.

James filled a glass with water and took a sip. Holing the liquid in his bulging cheeks, James unscrewed the child-proof lid and popped it off. _Pity I'm not a child._

James dumped the pills into his hand until it was full, and there were more pills in his palm than in the bottle.

Without a doubt, a second thought, James shoved the pills down, one by one, swallowing, sipping, gulping, until at least ten had travelled down his throat.

James quickly replaced all the medicine bottles and packages to their correct spots in the cupboard. If anyone were to walk in and see the mess in the sink, they'd know. And then they'd call an ambulance. Which meant there was a chance he'd get his stomach pumped before he'd succumbed to the sweet bliss of death. James didn't want that.

So he cleaned the evidence, hiding his pills behind the others, hoping no one would notice until tomorrow morning when he was supposed to take them. By then it would be too late.

Then James went into his room. He hoped everybody was still too angry to want to check on him, and if he was lucky, Carlos would assume he was sleeping whenever he came in the go to sleep. Based on what they'd found out that had them so pissed at him, they wouldn't care to see him.

James lay on his bed and wondered if he would feel this. His eyes fluttered shut, and he began to drift off. He noticed his stomach was starting to feel a little funny. It was kind of cramping. But it wasn't enough to keep James awake.

The thought of whether or not he'd thought this through was, though. James fought to open his eyes, but they were so heavy, too heavy...

This wasn't a good idea. Or was it? What did he have left in life? Friends? Nope. A career? Down the toilet. A back-up plan? A happy family?

None of that existed in his life anymore. But maybe he didn't want to leave the world...only, he did. Didn't he? Didn't he want...want...something...

James' thoughts began to blend together into incoherent mumbles deep in his brain. Soon he heard, saw, felt, knew nothing.

James Diamond felt like his life was ending. And he knew why. Because it was.

* * *

><p>Here's a long authors ramble for you:<p>

Gah! What? Did I just make James attempt suicide? Did I _**kill **_him?

You'll find out hopefully soon. Hopefully. I've been struck with a terrible condition called writers block. It took me _forever _to finish this chapter...forever being three days...but it felt long to me.

It's not that I'm stuck on what to do next. I know where I'm going with this story. It's just getting there I'm having a bit of a struggle with. But no worries, this story will not end until it is finished...I get what I'm saying.

So, this idea is still up in the air, but I _might_ take an _uber short _break from this story and write a one-shot to get my mind straight again. I'm not sure though. It depends if I get any brilliant ideas.

Bottom line is, I will do my best to update as quickly as possible, whether it's this story or a one-shot.

Thanks for reading! :D


	13. Confusion

**A/N **So I got some ideas last night, which means a speedier update than expected. Yay!

I would like to take a moment to thank my awesome reviewers! PizzaTop21, emmyloser, RainTastesGood, BigTimeGleekBTR, Anonymous Skrtle, bigtimerangergirl123, CandySmile, LinaRush, happygirl57, and Miss. Whatshername1, especially for your comment about the BTR boy's friendship being tighter than the Jo Bro's pants! That was great! Thank all of you so so much for motivating me!

And a big thanks to mcgeeklover, who gave me an idea for this chapter. Good one!

Breakdown

Chapter 13: Confusion

_The sky was bluer than he'd ever seen it. The grass under him was lush and soft. There was a gentle breeze, stong enough to ruffle his hair a bit, yet not so harsh that it made his lucious chestnut locks whip around his head in a tangled, uncontrollable mess._

_Everything was silent. And peaceful. He couldn't remember ever feeling so at ease. _

_All he could see was the puffy white clouds in the crystal clear sky and the sun shining down on him, bright and comforting and warm. The only sound that reached his ears was his shallow breathing. It was growing less and less distinct. Suddenly he couldn't hear his inhales and exhales anymore. Instead, they were replaced by a terrible, ear-piercing screech._

"We're losing him!"

"Charging. Clear!"

"Nothing."

"Charging again. Clear!"

"Come on, come back. Clear!"

"We got a pulse!"

"Get the stomach pump."

_What are those voices? Why are they saying that? It's like a medical show when someone's dying. Wait, am _I _dying?..._

Then the thoughts and voices faded, and it was silent again, but not nearly as peaceful.

* * *

><p><em>Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.<em>

James reached out an arm and fumbled for his alarm clock, but he couldn't get his arm very far before it flopped back down onto the covers of his bed. Just that tiny movement had James feeling completely spent. What the hell was going on?

Then he realized his alarm didn't beep like that.

He opened his heavy, rusty-feeling eyes and instantly squeezed them shut again, wincing at the blinding light that threatened to destroy his retinas. Cautiously, James lifted his eyelids again and blinked rapidly until he could bear the intense brightness.

His mind was confused and muddled, his movements sluggish. Seriously, what was this? Why did he feel like he'd just woken from a one hundred year nap?

Before he could take a moment to look around and determine where he was, a sudden pain in his stomach had James bolting upright and leaning over the side of the railing of the bed, retching.

James soon discovered that he had nothing in his stomach to bring up, and so he experienced painful dry heaves for a minute before he flopped back against his pillows, stomach slowly calming. As painful as dry heaves were, James was glad he hadn't had anything to throw up all over the...hospital bed?

_What did I do now? _were James' immediate thoughts, as he had often pulled stunts that landed him in the hospital in the past. Same with Carlos.

But this was not one of his and his Hispanic friend's ordinary jump-off-the-roof or ride-a-shopping-cart-down-the-street-contest kind of stunts. This he'd done to himself, by himself.

_But _what _did I do? Is it Carlos, too? Is he here in another room? Ugh, why are we so stupid? Why can't I remember?_

And then he did. It suddenly all came rushing back to him in an overwhelming wave of memory. The deal with Hawk, the trip to the psych ward, the brotherly conversation with Kendall, then the sickness, the running away from Rocque Records, the nasty fight..._the overdose. _The _suicide _attempt.

A whimper escaped James' sore throat. He suddenly wanted nothing less than to be alone. He didn't want doctors surrounding him, poking and proding and asking invasive questions. Despite their obvious anger toward him, James wanted-he _needed-_ them to be here, by his side, reasurring him.

Thinking that made James feel guilty. How should he expect them to come in here and smile at him and tell him they forgave him and loved him and knew everything was going to turn out okay when he'd stabbed them all in the back? Or at least had intended to.

_Did they even come? _James wondered next. _Who found me? Where are they? Did they drop me off here and leave? Or did someone else find me and they don't even know?_

James let his eyes slide shut again as he considered. Even if they did know, they probably weren't here. James couldn't brainstorm a reason as to why they would bother showing up. They hated him now, they were likely glad he had done this.

James opened his eyes again, and tears began to fill them, brimming over until they cascaded down his face in a bitter waterfall of anguish. What had happened to him?

James had asked himself the same question just seconds earlier, but now he was looking at the big picture. Not just what had happened that landed him in the hospital. What had happened to _him, _as a person? When had his life taken a turn for the worse?

_You know when, idiot. It was when you turned your back on your friends the first time._

Maybe _why _was a better question.

Why had this happened to him? He was a good person. Sure, he could be a little self-centered, a little narcissistic most of the time, but that didn't mean he neglected the feelings and opinions of others, especially those of his friends. It wasn't true. There was a time when any of his friends would say that James was the most caring, selfless person they knew. You just had to crack through the hard, egotistical surface. The problem was, that was no easy task. He was a _Diamond, _after all.

The bottom line was, anyone who knew James as well as Kendall, Logan, and Carlos, which was no one, would know for a fact that James' stubbornness and ambition was what made him so special. He had more drive and passion than anyone else the other three had ever met.

So what defined him as a bad person? Because James knew there was no way any good, wholesome person deserved this.

_Oh, please. Take a look at yourself, kid. You're not wholesome. You screwed your best friends over, and now you're sitting here wallowing in self-pity, wondering what in the heck you did that could have possibly made karma seek you out and strike you down._

James internally flinched. Harsh. But his conscience had a point. Maybe he did desverve this. All of it, the disorder, the loss of friendship, the near-death experience. It was certainly opening his eyes wide enough so that he could see all the damage he'd done in the past week, to him, and his friends, _and _the band. And their careers. All of it. His life, his career, his relationships, all down the toilet, because he couldn't control himself.

And now his dignity, because there was no way he was getting away with trying to kill himself without the public finding out. Someone had probably alterted the media about an ambulance arriving at the Palm Woods. Then the paparazzi had come, snapped pictures, figured out the story, and had gone off to publishers to get the story in the paper right away. And all the while his ex-bandmates had been thinking, _Serves him right. _That was how it went down in James' mind, anyway. He couldn't quite trust his thoughts at that moment. His mind was still fuzzy.

Now James used this time to glance around the room. It was nothing special. White and plain and boring. He was hooked up to several machines, some beeping, some whirring, none of them quiet. He didn't fail to notice that there weren't even any get-well balloons or cards.

_Yeah, cause what would someone who hates your guts write on a get-well card? Just kidding? Good effort on trying to kill yourself? Happy suicide-day?_

James tried to groan, but it got caught in his throat and triggered a coughing fit. Man, why did his throat hurt so much?

When James finally caught his breath, he was aware of someone rushing in the door. "My goodness, you're awake!" a flabbergasted female voice cried.

James looked up to see a young looking doctor who he would have found attractive had he not been choking and gagging. "Y-yeah, I am..." His voice sounded hoarse and raspy to his ears, and he felt funny speaking, as if he hadn't done so for a long time. "Can I have some w-water?"

The nurse, still wearing an expression of bewilderment and amazement, nodded. "Hold on one second, sweetie." Then she ran out the door.

James frowned. _Remind me not to ask _you _for any favours._

But she was back in a second with two other doctors. She got him his water and instructed him to take small, slow sips, while one of the other doctors, another female, began checking his vitals and scribbling stuff down on a chart. The third doctor, this one a middle-aged male, patiently waited for him to finish his water. The first doctor took the empty paper cup from him when he was done.

"James, I'm Doctor Anderson," the male doctor introduced himself. He motioned to the second doctor, who was still writing on the chart. "This is Doctor Donovan." She looked up and gave James a brief smile. "And Doctor Hill. If you don't mind, I need to ask you a few questions. Are you feeling up to that?"

James nodded.

"Alright. First of all, how are you feeling? Any pain, discomfort, confusion?"

James took a moment to consider. "No pain, but my throat feels scratchy and I feel really weak. And I'm confused as to where any of my friends or family are."

Doctor Anderson pressed his lips together. "Well James, your throat feels funny because we just took the breathing tube out earlier this morning. I'm not surprised you don't remember that, you were barely lucid. Now, what I'm about to tell you may be unsettling."

"What? What is it?"

Doctor Anderson glanced back at his acquaintances before he replied. They looked slightly nervous.

Doctor Anderson turned back to James. "Mr. Diamond, when you first arrived here, you were half-dead from a severe overdose."

James nodded shamefully at the memory, his stomach doing flip-flops at hearing the words aloud.

"Your heart rate was extremely low. We lost you twice, but obviously managed to revive you. However, you became unresponsive while we were moving you to the OR to pump the drugs from your stomach. After the procedure was complete, you slipped into a comatose state." Doctor Anderson cleared his throat and focused his eyes on James'. "You've been in a coma for three and a half weeks."

* * *

><p>Holy crapper. It's so short and uneventful, I know. My mind doesn't want to be creative it seems. How sad. :(<p>

Anyway, I'm sorry it's not what you expected, I'm sure. I sorta like it, just not the lenght. Next chapter WILL BE BETTER!


	14. Death

**A/N **I reposted this chapter cause there were some mistakes that weren't really noticeable but drove me crazy when I re-read it over after I posted it. Sorry!

Breakdown

Chapter 14: Death

"W-what? A coma? _Three weeks?"_

Doctor Anderson nodded. "Early this morning, you opened your eyes. You were awake, but unresponsive. We discovered you were able to breath on your own, so we removed the breathing tube. That is why your throat feels a bit raw. Your heart rate had been all over the place while you were in the coma, but this morning it finally stayed normal. I must say, this is quite miraculous. We weren't sure if you'd ever recover. You're a truly lucky boy, James."

_Lucky? _He'd been in a fricking _coma_ for three and a half freaking _weeks _and he was _lucky?_

Then another thought struck him. "Has anyone visited?"

Doctor Anderson looked stunned at the question, but answered anyway. "Of course. A bunch of people have come by, all saying they know you from the Palm Woods. But these three boys visited you more than anyone. They came everyday, as soon as visiting hours started, and they stayed as long as they could. Seems like you've got yourself some pretty amazing friends."

For a moment James stayed silent. He couldn't think of anything to say. Surely the Doctor wasn't talking about Kendall, Logan, and Carlos?

Finally James opened his mouth. "Are they here today?"

"It's still early. Visiting hours have just begun. I'm sure they'll be here soon. When I see them, I'll give them the news right away. I'm sure they'll be more than thrilled to see you've awaken."

James nodded.

"I have to go check on some other patients. Do you have any questions or concerns?"

Well, he'd just found out he'd been in a freaking _coma _for over three weeks because he's had a massive over dose. Of course he had some questions. His friends visited everyday even though they'd been angrier with him than James had ever seen them. Of course he had some concerns. But James decided those could wait. He shook his head.

"Alright then. I'll be back soon. Doctor Hill will bring your friends in when they arrive." Doctor Anderson offered James a bright smile as he walked out the door. Doctor Hill followed.

Before she left, Doctor Donovan told James his vitals had improved significantly, and if things kept going the way they were, he'd be out of the hospital by the next day.

_Yeah, and she failed to mention the names of all the shrinks she's gonna get me to go see._

James bit his lip and fought back tears. It was all suddenly so much. He was so young, his career was just taking off, they's just had their first major exposure as a band, and now here he was laying in a hospital bed because he'd tried to kill himself to escape the wrath of his friends. It seemed like a very absurd thing to OD over. But then there was his disorder. And wasn't that just the bitter icing on the rancid cake.

James lowered his head into his hands and barely surpressed a scream of pure frustration. What did the world have against him? He was _so close _to fame he could taste it, and now this was going to bring his whole life down.

No doubt the media had snuck a few snapshots of him being wheeled into the ambulance. And the worst part was, they were hardly even famous yet. All the reader's of whatever magazine the story would be in would be thinking '_These boys _just _started their singing careers, and already the pressure's getting to them? They're no match for the big time.'_

James gripped at the sides of his head, wincing a little as he scratched over the small scabs he'd made there a few days ago. All he could think about now was all the people who probably knew. What were they going to think of him? What was going to happen to the band? How mad was Gustavo? And Griffin, what was he going to think about all of this? He'd ended Big Time Rush in the first place.

And...the tour. Oh, God, the _tour. _

Yep, BTR was definitely done.

* * *

><p>Doctor Hill smiled at the three boys she'd gotten to know so well over the past three weeks. The circumstances were unfortunate, but at least she'd gotten to see what caring, wholesome boys BTR were.<p>

Kendall and Logan glanced up and noticed her smile. Logan nudged Carlos, who jerked awake, nearly falling of his chair. All three boys stood, anxiously awaiting any news on their friend. She was smiling, that _had _to be a good sign, right? Doctors didn't just smile when they announced 'Oh, we're terribly sorry, we did everything we could.' That wasn't a smiley-worthy sentence.

The three boys opened their eyes wide and stared expectantly at Doctor Hill. Her smile grew wider, her white teeth twinkling in the light, much like James' would...

"I have great news, boys! James is awake!"

"WHAT?"

"Can we go see him? Like, NOW?"

"How is he? Does he remember what happened?"

"He's _awake? _Ohmygosh, lets go, lady!"

Doctor Hill laughed, the first sound of true joy the boys had heard in weeks. It sounded beautiful.

"He seems to being doing better than fine. His vitals are very good. We filled him in on what happened, in case he did forget. He took it well. Then he asked if anyone had visited." Her warm smile turned to a slightly troubled frown. "As if he hadn't expected anyone to."

Kendall, Logan, and Carlos quickly shared uncomfortable looks and cleared their throats. They didn't want to explain all that had gone down that had been the causes of James' overdose.

Doctor Hill picked up on this immediately, and reapplied her smile. "He asked for you. I'll take you to see him now."

On the walk to James' room, Carlos was boucning with excitment, Kendall called his mom, and Logan stayed quiet as he got lost in his thoughts.

_What if he doesn't want to see us? What if this whole thing breaks him down? What if he's never the same again? What if Mrs. Knight's promise to Katie is broken?_

"Stop thinking like that."

"What was that, Logan?"

Logan glanced up in surprise to see the other three staring at him. Had he spoken aloud?

"Uh, nothing. Just...thinking."

Kendall and the doctor nodded, understanding. They didn't press the issue farther.

Carlos grinned excitedly. "Are you thinking about how happy everyone's gonna be in that room? _Three weeks, _Logan! Oh man, I can't wait to see him!"

Logan's eyes met Kendall. They were thinking the exact same thing. _Happy? You couldn't be more wrong, Carlos._

* * *

><p>"You have visitors, James," Doctor Hill sang cheerfully as she bounded into the room. Positive energy exuded from her, and James could help but smile back. This was a blissful moment for her. For all of them. At least, it should be.<p>

And then in walked his three (former?) bandmates. Before James could read their expressions, Carlos was diving through the air. He landed on James' bed, earning an "Oof!" from the brunette. In less than a second, Carlos had his arms wrapped tightly around his friend in the nicest embrace James had ever felt, despite the fact that it was taking place in a hospital bed.

"James! I've been waiting for_ever _for you to wake up! Logan said to stay positive, and I did. It looks like it worked! James, please don't ever scare us like that again. I love you too much."

James felt his heart grow heavy. He'd had all of them so, so worried. He was such a jerk.

Doctor Hill, still smiling, stepped back and let the mini-celebration continue. She watched as Logan and Kendall, seemingly hesitant, wandered over to James' bed as Carlos climbed off to allow his other friends to greet James.

For a moment, the air was thick with silent tension. Stares were delievered, and no words.

Then Kendall leaned forward and hugged James tighter than Carlos had. "I missed you so much, buddy," he whispered into his friends ear.

Logan rapidly blinked back tears as Kendall moved back and Logan took over. He sat beside James on the bed like Carlos had, only Logan wasn't practically on top of him. Then Logan, too, hugged James tightly and told him that words couldn't describe how relieved and happy he was that he was awake and okay.

Doctor Hill's gentle voice sounded from behind them. "I'm sure you boys have a lot of talking to do. I'll leave you to it. Don't hesitate to press the call button if you need anything. And Doctor Anderson should be back soon." Shooting them one last sparkling smile, the doctor turned and left.

"She's right," James croaked, throat still sore from the recently removed breathing tube. "We have a _lot _of talking to do."

* * *

><p><em>*24 days ago*<em>

_Carlos walked into 2J and began his quest for James. After thinking about it, Carlos had come to the conclusion that James deserved to have his side of the story heard. Carlos knew Logan and Kendall couldn't care less about what he say to say though, so Carlos had left them at the pool and texted James. When he received no response after five minutes, Carlos, always impatient, called James. No __answer._

_Growing a tad bit irritated, Carlos decided just to go look for the pretty boy. Then, he'd _force _him to talk. _

_But James was bigger and stronger, and in a bad mood, which only made him that much scarier. Maybe Carlos shouldn't try to use physical force to get the other boy to talk. Maybe he'd hold his lucky comb hostage or something. Yeah, that was good._

_So Carlos headed up to 2J. He looked around the kitchen and living room area, calling out for James. No response. _

_He peeked in the bathroom. No James. _

_Last was his and James' room. The good thing was, if James didn't want him in there, Carlos could go in anyway and say he needed a sweater or something. Kendall or Logan couldn't have gotten away with that._

_Smirking at his intellect, Carlos quietly wrapped his hand around the doorknob and barged in, loudly. "James!"_

_The brunette was laying on his back, eyes closed. Carlos didn't notice the stillness of his chest. _

_"Hey, James. Wake up, man. I want to talk."_

_Nothing. Not even a flinch._

_"Don't worry, I'm not mad at you. I just want to actually hear you out. Please, just talk to me? I'm all ears, promise."_

_No movement. _

_Not sure wheter he should be annoyed or worried, Carlos crept closer to the bed till he was hovering right over James._

_"JAMES WAKE UP! I HAVE YOUR LUCKY COMB AND I'M BENDING IT AS WE SPEAK!"_

_Nothing._

_Okay, that settled it. He should be worried._

_Carlos grabbed James by the shoulders and began to shake him roughly. "James? James! James, wake up! Please, this isn't funny. You're scaring me!"_

_It was then that Carlos realized his unresponsive friend wasn't breathing. Carlos lost his own breath for a minute. "Oh, god, no. James, no. No, no, no..."_

_Still moaning in terror, Carlos fumbled for his phone in hs pocket. He hastily dialed and held the phone up to his ear._

"Carlos? Where'd you go-"

_"James is dead!"_

"...What?"

_"JAMES IS DEAD! HE'S NOT WAKING UP, AND HE-HE ISN'T _BREATHING! LOGAN, COME UP HERE, NOW!"

_"O-okay." Carlos could hear Logan taking in a deep breath on the other end of the line. It made Carlos want to take all of _his _breath and give it to James._

"Carlos, listen to me."_ Logan's voice was calmer, but more than a hint of fright still shone through. _"I need you to do exactly what I say. Does James have any blankets on him?"

_"N-no."_

"Okay. Don't put any on him. Now, is he lying on his side or his back?"

_"His b-back."_

"Alright. You have to roll him over onto his side. I don't know why he isn't...but we don't want him choking on his tongue or vomit if he starts to throw up."

_Carlos put the phone on speaker and set it atop the dresser. He quickly but carefully placed his hands on James' left side and pulled until James was lying on his right side, facing Carlos._

_"Done, Logan."_

"Good. Carlos, do you know how to do CPR?"

_Carlos had taken a course on it, they all had, together, but his mind couldn't comprehend anything at that moment. The steps all flew from his mind._

_"No, I don't!"_

"Hey, it's okay, we're almost there. Just stay calm. Kendall called for an ambulance. They're on their way. They're going to take James to a hospital, and they're going to make him all better. I promise. Alright?"

_For a second it sounded like there were two Logan's talking. Then his voice was gone. The line went dead._

_"Logan, no! DON'T LEAVE ME, LOGAN!"_

_"Hey, hey, Carlos, shh, we're here, we're right here."_

_A pair of arms were suddenly snaking themselves around Carlos' trembling shoulders. He didn't have to turn to know it was Logan. _

_"You did good, Carlos."_

_Then the arms were gone. Carlos let out a small whimper as he watched Logan move to James._

_Logan paled. Now that he was actually seeing what Carlos had told him, he felt more unsure. Unsure that James was going to make it. Through... whatever it was that had caused this._

Get a hold of yourself, Logan. This is James' life in your hands.

_Nodding firmly to himself, Logan moved quickly. He maneuvered James onto his back, tilted his head back, pinched the unconscious boy's nose, and, without a second's hesitation, leaned down and blew two rushes of air into James' mouth._

_He could hear Carlos wailing and Kendall whispering soothing assurances to him. But that was background noise. It meant nothing to Logan. He was focused solely on one thing, and that thing was saving his best friend's life. _

_Logan began performing compressions, pushing down just below James' chest. _

_After thirty, Logan gave James two more breaths. Then thiry more compressions._

_Two breaths._

_Thrity compressions._

_Carlos sobbed loudly. Logan ignored it._

_Two breaths._

_Twenty-eight compressions._

_Logan heard the gasp of air rushing into James' oxygen-starved lungs, and he lifted James' head as the revived boy began coughing and spluttering._

_Behind him, Logan heard Kendall and Carlos crying out. "Logan! You..."_

_James' choking turned to gagging, and Logan helped him lean over the edge of the bed just as he retched all over the floor. James as left panting desperately for air. _

_Logan wanted to say something to his friend, anything, but a large lump in his throat prevented any sound from escaping, even the sobs like Carlos' that were aching to be heard._

_Instead, Logan stared down at James who was now lying on his side again. As Logan watched intently, for a second dull hazel eyes peeked up through half-lowered lids. A silent sentence burned in those eyes. Logan had a hard time reading the words in them. I'm sorry? Don't leave me? _Goodbye?

_Then James' eyelids fluttered and closed. Logan made sure he could see the clear rise and fall of his friends chest. Kendall and Carlos finally came close, cautiously avoiding the mess on the floor, and each placed a hand on Logan's shoulder. Logan wanted to look at his friends, wanted them to gather up in a big group hug and be joined by James. But that wasn't going to be happening. Instead, Logan continued to gaze at James as he wondered fervently what had caused him to stop breathing, to momentarily _die.

_At last, a fat, single tear fleed Logan's eye and slipped down his cheek. He tasted its saltiness as it rolled over his lips and dripped off his chin, plopping to the floor. It was bitter, and Logan nearly laughed as he thought of what a great symbol it made for this situation. Of course, there wasn't anything funny about the dark atmosphere in this room at all. But Logan knew that the initial shock was wearing off. Saving James, that had been pure adrenaline. Now Logan could _feel. _He felt the heaviness of his heart, the fear of almost losing his frien that made him tremble both inside and out. And he could _feel _whatever it was that had been keeping him together this whole time snap._

_And with that, Logan collapsed to his knees and cried, and, with Kendall and Carlos right by his side, waited for help to come save them. All of them._

_The paramedics arrived just as James stopped breathing again._

* * *

><p>There you have it, Carlos finding James and Logan saving his life and Kendall being quiet for once. Yay for James living!<p>

Hope you liked! I really enjoyed writing this chapter! I think it's my fav so far! :D

So just a warning, I think this story is coming to an end. Soon. Not next chapter, but it's gonna start getting wrapped up. But don't worry, more drama and friendly comfort on the way!


	15. Forgiveness

**A/N **I can't believe how far I've come with this story! When I first started writing it, I had no idea where I was going to head with it, but I'm so excited with how it's turning out! And it feels so great to share it with you guys! So I thank the world for my amazing, dedicated reviewers! And thanks to anyone and everyone who put Breakdown in their favourite stories and me in their favourite authors. Means the world! :D

Breakdown

Chapter 15: Forgiveness

James was at a loss for words. Hearing your friends tell you about how they saved your life isn't exactly an easy thing to take in.

"And then when we found out it was an overdose...you died _twice, _James...and I couldn't-I _can't _understand...was it really because of us?"

Logan was a mess, James could see. Tears had begun to pour down his face as he, Carlos, and Kendall had taken turns filling him in on what he had missed after the OD, one picking up when another could speak no more.

James had been listening intently, his heart growing heavier and heavier and the knot in his stomach tugging tighter and tighter. Now James averted his eyes from his three sniffling, puffy-eyed friends as he considered what Logan had just asked him. Well, _yes, _it had been because of them leaving him. _Twice. _

James shuddered. That horrible number again.

Finally James forced himself to look up into the awaiting eyes of his friends. He sighed. Lying had only gotten him into all sorts of trouble. He was done with it.

"Look, you guys, I'm not gonna sugar coat this. I did do it because of...what went down between us."

Carlos let out a small whine at the thought of his buddy trying to take himself out of this world being partially his fault. He _knew _he shouldn't have walked away from James.

"_But. _That doesn't automatically make it your fault. It was mine." James sighed again. "It wasn't you. I mean, yeah, you guys walking out like that before I could explain was hard on me. It broke me, I think. But I deserved it. I was betraying you guys. So, if you hate me, I understand. Completely. And it was wrong of me to put you guys through that. I'm sorry. Even though I know that will never be enough."

James ended his little speech and tried to analyze the expressions of his friends.

There wasn't much to differentiate from one another. They all displayed disappointment and guilt on their faces. But why those emotions? It made no sense to James. He'd just explained to them how it wasn't their faults. So why guilt?

Kendall opened his mouth and began speaking. "James, don't. Don't blame this on yourself. I mean, yeah, what you were doing behind our backs, with our _enemy _of all people, was rotten. But we-_I_- have been way too hard on you. I should have been supporting you and helping you, and instead I yelled at you and refused to listen. So maybe none of this is Carlos' fault, or Logan's fault. And maybe some of it is yours. But this is almost all me. So, please, don't say make yourself feel worse. You _don't_ deserve it."

"Kendall-"

"Are you going to accept my apology or not?"

James fixated his gaze to Kendall's eyes. James looked deep, and could see nothing but sincerity. A slow smile broke out across his face, the first real one in-over four weeks. Right.

Then he nodded. "Yeah. I am."

* * *

><p>"I don't know how I can make you guys feel like you don't have to worry. I really messed up this time."<p>

The boys had moved on to an even more uncomfortable topic. The OD.

Logan glanced at Kendall and Carlos. He wanted to trust James, but if he did this once, what was stopping him from doing it again, even if he had no reason to? With his manic depression, anything during the depressive episodes was possible.

But none of them wanted to make James feel incompetent or anything.

"We're sorry James, it's just that, we don't want anything to happen to you. I doubt you'll ever...you know, again, but..."

"It's too risky," James finished.

Reluctantly, Logan nodded. That had been the exact word he was going to use. It just sounded so...rude? But he was trying to do best by his friend.

James sighed. "I understand, guys. I do. You can be as cautious as you want."

"Well, of course we will be, but we're not going to smother you or anything," Carlos piped up.

Logan and Kendall nodded their agreement. "You know we're going to have to keep a...a close eye on you, right?"

James sighed. Why, _why_ had he done it?

He forced back a pout as he glanced at his friends. "I know." Of course he understood. How could he not? This wasn't something small that could be put behind them anytime soon. He'd tried to _kill _himself. It just wasn't fair that it had been spur of the moment. Not fair that he hadn't had time to think about the consequences. Not fair that he had this awful mental sickness that was breaking him down. His life had been going _great _up until the break up of the band. _Perfect, _in fact. Now though? Now everything was a huge, jumbled mess.

Not to mention the tour. His friends had told him that it had been canceled. Not postponed. Canceled.

They'd informed James that Gustavo had been thinking about canceling it ever since he'd heard the fight that went down between the boys when James wasn't there the morning after he'd fainted.

James was a bit surprised. He'd thought maybe Gustavo would try to have the other three dogs do the concert with him. Of course, they would never have done that. Not with the person who brought BTR together in a coma.

James smiled when he heard that. Maybe Gustavo did have a heart, after all. At least half of one.

James abruptly jerked back to reality. His friends were gazing at him with looks of sympathy etched on their faces.

"We're sorry, buddy. About everything."

"I know. I forgive you guys. I just want to forget about this past we-month." James kept forgetting that a longer time had gone by than he remembered.

His friends nodded. They got it. If they were in the same situation, they'd be thinking the same way, for sure. Not that they wanted to be thinking about being in this predicament.

They hadn't thought much about how James must be feeling. Of course, they knew he was devastated, and they'd been trying so hard to make him feel no different than them, though they _had _been treating him slightly differently. With a little more caution. But they'd never really taken the the time to put themselves in James' shoes for a moment, try to read inside his mind. James wasn't an easy person to read, but this was unmistakeable. He felt lost.

Who wouldn't? One day, you're just like everyone else, and the next, you're looking at yourself as some freak who can't control their emotions.

But the thing was, James _was _just like everyone else. Once the medication started kicking in-the _right _way-he'd be back to his normal, everyday, happy, irresistible self. Of course, he'd still have to live with knowing, with the haunting memories of the past, but this was _James Diamond. _He could handle it. This OD, it was just a once-in-a-blue-moon moment of weakness. A little breakdown. James was one of the strongest people Logan, Kendall, and Carlos knew. Nothing was going to stop him from living out his dream. Not bipolar disorder, not a few fights with his friends here and there, not a crazy, unfeeling producer, not a vengeful rival producer...Wait a minute...

Logan's head snapped up, and he stared straight at James.

"James, what did you do about...Hawk?"

James frowned. What had he done? _Had _he even done anything? His memory of that night so long ago was still hazy.

"_You should know that _I'm _about to inform _you _that I'm done with this stupid plan."_

Oh. Right.

"I called him after you guys left. Told him I was _done. _And I am. I don't even know what I was thinking...I _wasn't _thinking. I know that's no excuse, but..." James trailed off, not sure where to go with this.

Logan smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry about it anymore, James. We know you weren't in you right mind. And we also know you'll never do something like that again. We trust you."

Was that a hint of cynicism in Logan's voice? Were those words a challenge?

_Stop doing this to yourself. He wants you to know they trust you, that's all. Now don't give them any reason to regret that._

James nodded to himself. His little shoulder-angel was right. As long as he never abused their trust again, he'd be fine. They'd be fine. And that was all any of them wanted right now.

James rubbed his hands over his face as he struggled to pay attention to what his friends were telling him now. Something about not having heard from Griffin since he cut the rope on the tour.

But James wasn't listening. His mind was too occupied with thinking about how his feelings and actions the past few weeks matched those of his friends. James had no doubt in his mind that his friends didn't have the same condition as him, but it struck him as odd, how, while his emotions roller-coastered, the actions of his friends did, too. Up and down, mad and comforting, there and gone...it was a lot to take in.

Then James found himself tuning into the conversation. Kendall was saying how whatever Griffin was planning was completely up in the air. Not even Gustavo had the faintest hint of an idea. Would Griffin be as understanding as Gustavo uncharacteristically had? Or would he end Big Time Rush-for good this time?

James pressed his hands harder over his face to keep his frustrated scream that was overwhelmingly building up inside of him down. Of course, his friends didn't fail to notice.

"James? You okay? What's wrong, buddy?" Logan asked frantically.

James shook his head, still buried in his hands. "It's just...I'm still trying to absorb everything, you know?" He sighed loudly. He was being sort of babyish, wasn't he? He sure felt like he was. "I'm sorry, guys. I need to stop complaining."

Logan chuckled slightly as he adjusted himself on the edge of James' bed so he could wrap an arm around the brunette's shoulder.

"Don't apologize. Okay? Enough apologizing. For now, at least. Lets just make the best of us all being here, together, not mad at each other. 'Kay?"

James scoffed. "Make the best of it? For now? Yeah, sure, but when your mom gets here, Kendall, I have a feeling the atmosphere is going to get a lot more somber."

"How do you know what somber means?"

James ignored Logan. "She's gonna make all of us have a big therapy session. Then she's gonna make me book a few dozen of my own, isn't she?" James meant for it to sound like a joke, but he knew it wouldn't turn out to be one.

Logan caught James' seriousness. He shrugged. "She might. She was really torn up about the whole thing. She couldn't stop crying. She's been here with us everyday. She almost stopped-" Logan was about to say that the concerned mother had practically stopped functioning altogether. She'd been in bigger shock than the boys had. But Logan didn't want to dampen James's mood even further. So he cut himself off quickly.

James didn't seem to pick up on it. Or if he did, he pretending not to. "Where is she, anyway?"

"I called her on our way to your room, right after the doctor told us you were awake," Kendall replied, then added, "which, I still can't believe."

A slow, sly grin made its way onto his face. "Speaking of Doctor Hill, you get her number yet?" He raised both eyebrows.

James rolled his hazel eyes. "In case you forgot, even though you just mentioned it, I've only been awake for like an hour. I haven't had time to work my magic. And besides, I- Ohmygosh!"

Kendall, Logan, and Carlos instantly jumped up. "What? What!"

James' voice trembled as he spoke the unspeakable words. "I haven't even seen myself yet." Then he closed his eyes dramatically. "The hair? Is it-" he faked a sob. "Is it..._lifeless?"_

The three panicked boys calmed down as they took their seats again, all rolling their eyes and shaking their heads. James was _such _a drama king.

Carlos answered. "Your hair is perfect, James."

James scowled at Carlos. "Shut up."

Yes, James was _such _a drama king.

But they loved that.


	16. Disagreements

Happy Wednesday, everyone! The week is officially more than half over! To celebrate, read!

Breakdown

Chapter 16: Disagreements

"Did you guys...call my mom?"

Logan, Kendall, and Carlos looked appalled at the question. He'd been in a coma for three weeks; of course his mother had been notified by them.

"_Yes, _James," Logan replied. "Why would you think we hadn't?"

James shrugged. "I don't know, you just haven't said anything about her. And she isn't here."

Kendall took the responsibility of explaining. "Well, she had just left to go on her week-long business trip to France."

James nodded. The one she'd begged him to accompany her on during their second conversation after she'd received the new of James' disorder.

"She was a mess, of course. Could hardly speak. It took a _lot _of convincing to get her to stay there and not come here on the first flight out."

"So where is she now?"

"_James_."

James' head swiveled toward the door. Mrs. Knight stood there, smiling, with Katie by her side, a huge grin lighting up her face.

But James hardly noticed them. His eyes were drawn to the elegant, dark-haired woman who was standing just behind them, her heavily-lined eyes trained on James, whose mouth was agape.

Was this a hallucination? A figment of his imagination?

But when the lady crossed the room and wrapped James up in a warm hug, squeezing so tightly he could barely breath, James knew it was real. It was really his mom.

* * *

><p>Mrs. Diamond wiped the tears from her eyes for the twentieth time that hour. It pained her more than any other pain she'd ever felt to listen to her son relay to her the events that made him snap. And then hearing about the overdose, and how he'd been completely numb when he'd done it.<p>

She'd stared at his mouth as he told her this, willing the words to go back in, to not be true. But this was reality. She had to face it. Face the fact that her son had tried to kill himself.

It had been hard enough hearing about his disorder from Kendall's mother. Then she'd spoke to James later that night. He'd sounded horrible. That was even harder.

But this...this really took the cake. Finding out a day after she'd arrived in Paris that her son had attempted to commit suicide...now that she thought about it, Brooke couldn't think of any reason why she shouldn't have come home right away. How had those boys convinced her to stay?

She really couldn't remember. That night had all been a blur. It was hazy in her memory. All she remembered was being a total zombie for her entire time in Paris.

She hadn't even gone back to Minnesota. She'd taken a different flight straight to LA. It had cost her a fortune to get a new airline ticket, but she was getting her butt to LA as soon as she could.

Brooke stared at her sleeping son, looking pale and fragile beneath the white sheets, and she recalled when she'd first walked into his room while he'd still been in the coma.

The other boys and Mrs. Knight had waited respectively in the hall outside his room, giving her some time alone with James.

She'd been hesitant to enter at first. She could see all the machines and tubes from the doorway. Eventually she'd gone closer. She took a good, long look at her son.

That image, that memory, would be imprinted in her mind forever, she knew.

James was as white as the pillow beneath his head. He had a neck brace on to support his head and neck, at least while he was in the coma. An IV dripped the nutrients he couldn't absorb while unconscious into his arm. But the worst part was the long tube that ran from the machine by his bed into his mouth and down his throat. Brooke knew it was supplying him the oxygen he needed, but she couldn't help but cringe at the thought of James being awake and aware when they removed it.

Brooke had been relieved to hear that they had taken it out while James was semi-conscious. He told her he hadn't felt a thing.

Brooke reminiscenced on how she'd felt while seeing James for the first time. Her feelings had been indescribable. Her son was in a _coma _for God's sakes, how was she supposed to feel? Scared? Sad? Worried? Anguished? None of those emotions were strong enough to depict the burning sensation that had ran through her veins.

Now Brooke watched her son sleep peacefully. He hadn't seemed upset when she'd seen him awake. Not at all what she'd expect from a teenage OD survivor. He'd seem...happy? Of course, he was happy to see her and his friends, but he hadn't even appeared the least bit uneasy or out of sorts. Maybe he had just been trying to put on a strong front for her.

_Or maybe it's because his mood is unpredictable and uncontrollable. _

Brooke sighed and ran her hand through her hair. It was the nervous habit she had unintentionally passed down to James.

Next Brooke thought about her and James' painful conversation after the others had left her with him. That was when he'd broken down. He hadn't in front of his friends, but once it was just him and his mother, he had began crying out endless apologies, while Brooke held him close and whispered to him that everything was going to be okay.

She'd told him every last thought that had ran through her mind when she'd received the news from his friends. He cried harder.

He told her that he never wanted to feel broken or alone or especially _numb _again. She promised him he never would.

Then James had cried himself to sleep in his mother's arms. Brooke was still sitting in his bed with him when a gentle knock at the door sounded. Brooke spun her head to see Mrs. Knight standing there, offering a small, warm smile.

"We thought you might want some coffee? The boys are heading down to the cafeteria."

Brooke forced a smile back. They were all such considerate young men. They shouldn't have to deal with this...

"A splash of milk and one sugar. Tell them thank you."

Mrs. Knight nodded and moved to leave. She turned back around and stepped so she was just inside the doorway. She didn't want to invade, but Brooke looked like she could use some reassurance, some positive words.

"He's strong, Brooke. Not that you need me to tell you that. He will make it through this. And once he does, it's over with. Not to say he won't think about it now and then, because he will. But James is surrounded by people who love him and care for him more than he'll ever know. He's well aware of that, too. And I _know _that he will put this behind him. Because he has the rest of his life to live out. He's going to get famous, and marry Nicole Scherzinger, and have five houses. Because he _can. _Because we believe in him."

Without waiting for a response, Mrs. Knight gave a single nod and left.

Brooke stared at where she had been standing seconds before and took everything that had just been said into consideration. Kendall's mother was truly selfless. Spending her time looking after four crazy boys, plus Katie, when one of them had a horrible disorder. It wasn't fair to anyone.

Brooke's eyes darted back to James. Maybe nobody else realized it, but he was inflicting damage on more than himself. And Brooke couldn't let that happen. She knew what had to be done.

* * *

><p>"Why can't we go see James again?"<p>

"Carlos, his mom wants some time alone with him."

"But he's sleeping. She doesn't want to just watch him sleep."

"And you do?"

"I'd wake him up."

Logan and Kendall rolled their eyes at their friend's so called logic.

"Carlos, James needs to rest," Logan explained. He'd been calm the first five times he'd explained it, but now he was starting to get a bit ticked. Carlos didn't seem to understand that they couldn't just kick James' mother out of his room and start jumping on his bed so they could talk. But Carlos was bored and restless. They'd spent the past three and a half weeks practically living at this hospital. Logan had to admit, he was getting a little antsy, too. But at least they wouldn't have to come and go for much longer, now that James was finally out of the coma.

Logan shook his head. It still didn't seem real. He was honestly afraid that tomorrow morning he'd wake up and discover that James waking up had been a dream.

_If only this entire thing were a dream, _he thought wistfully. But it wasn't. And he was dealing with it. They all were, very well, in fact.

"Come on, lets go bring Mrs. Diamond her coffee," Kendall suggested, breaking in Logan's thoughts. "Then we can see James."

Carlos and Logan agreed, and the three left the cafeteria and headed for the elevators.

Katie and Mrs. Knight were in the room with Brooke when Kendall, Carlos, and Logan entered. Katie raised her eyebrows at the three when she saw them. "You're just in time," she said excitedly. "Things are getting heated."

"What?"

Katie nodded at the two mothers and a now awake James. He was sitting up in his bed, and the other three swore his eyes were shining with tears as he screamed at his mother.

"You can't do this, mom! It's my dream, _my life! _I already had it taken away once, I won't let it happen again!"

"Brooke, please, be sensible. James loves what he does. He's _happy. _Aren't you all about what makes him happy?"

Brooke glared at the desperate Mrs. Knight. "This isn't up to you, Jennifer. This is between me and James, who _will _do as I say, no questions asked!"

A couple of doctors who had heard the shouts from the hall were suddenly rushing into the room. One tried to grab James' arms and calm him down, but James repeatedly shook her hands off and leaning around her to yell at his mom.

"Mom, stop! I know you aren't used to hearing 'no', but you better get used to it, because this is me saying it. No, I'm not going back!"

Kendall finally jumped in, stepping away from the door and further into the room. He planted himself so that he was right in the middle of the commotion.

"What is going on?"

The room went silent very suddenly. All eyes were now on Kendall. He didn't so much as flinch.

"Well?"

Brooke abruptly turned away from her shaking son and toward Kendall.

"I'm taking James back to Minnesota with me the instant he's out of this hospital, that's what's happening."

* * *

><p>Nooo! Brooke, you wouldn't!<p>

So...only one or possibly two more chapters left. It's ending! :( But there will be an epilogue, so pretty much there's three chapters but I can't promise the epilogue will be long...so.

Oh, and, what's a Wednesday celebration without reviews? Boring, that's what!


	17. Decisions

**A/N **This chapter is for RainTastesGood, who gave mea couple ideas for the flashback part. Thanks! I love suggestions!

And thank you reviewers for getting me over 60!

Update took forever, I know, and I am ridiculously sorry. Writer's block is killing me! But this one's long, so hopefully it's worth the wait! :)

Breakdown

Chapter 17: Decisions

"No way!"

"You boys listen. James is sick. And I can't possibly expect you to watch him every second of every day to make sure he doesn't do anything like this again. I'd feel a lot better if he was with me, under my watch."

"James isn't sick!" Logan argued. Already anger was built up and pouring out of him. They weren't losing James _again. _

"Look, boys, I'm not trying to take James away from you. I just think it's best for everyone. It isn't fair for you to have to deal with this. I'm sure it's been very hard on you as is, but now...I just really think he needs to come home. So he is."

Now, Kendall was known for having an extremely short fuse, but he'd never gone as far as to get right up in a female's face and start screaming. So this was a first.

"You think it isn't _fair? _I'll tell you what's not fair lady, taking James' dream away from him against his will, that's what isn't fair!" Kendall moved closer and closer to Mrs. Diamond with each word, not stopping until they were just inches apart. The air was thick with tension.

"Kendall Knight, stop it this instant!" the furious teen's mother cried. "I didn't raise you to speak that way!"

"Mom, please! You know what's she's saying is wrong! We don't care if this gets a little tough now and then! Do we?"

Kendall whirled to face Carlos and Logan. The two dark-haired boys stared back with big eyes and looks of astonishment. _Nobody _talked that way to Brooke Diamond. But nobody disagreed with Kendall over such a serious matter, especially when he was so _right. _So Carlos and Logan quickly nodded.

"Kendall! You-"

"You're the reason this happened to my son, all three of you!"

"Listen up, lady-"

"_Kendall Knight!"_

Suddenly everybody was shouting at once. Kendall, Logan, Carlos, all at Mrs. Diamond. Mrs. Knight at Kendall, Brooke at all four boys, and the doctors at everyone. The only people not straining to be heard were Katie, who was now standing by James' bed, watching with wide eyes, not sure whether she should be intrigued and join in, or upset and not get into it.

And then there was James. He watched as one of the doctors held Kendall back, away from everyone else. James felt like he was being torn apart on the inside. They were fighting over _him, _and he didn't get a say in it. They were all talking about fair? Fair to who? Certainly not to him.

More doctors were running in, crowding the room, making a huge, chaotic scene. James couldn't stand to watch, to listen as his friends, his _family_ tore into each other, screaming, shouting, shoving, swearing, begging...it was all way too much...

All movement in the room ceased as a frantic beeping filled the air. The several doctors recognized the sound, and jumped into action immediately.

A few of them pushed everyone else out of the room, while the remaining doctors hustled to James' side.

Everyone desperately tried to get a last look into the room before the door closed. The last thing they saw was the doctors surrounding James, pale and unconscious.

* * *

><p>"Family and friends of James Diamond?" Six tear-streaked faces snapped up at the voice. Doctor Anderson stood there, looking rather solemn.<p>

Brooke jumped to her feet. "How's my baby? Is he okay? What happened?"

"Your son is doing just fine. He recently woke up from a coma, and stress was the last thing he needed. All of the yelling voices were overwhelming to him, and his body is still weak and didn't know how to handle it. His heart rate and blood pressure were slightly elevated, causing him to black out. We got both down to where they're supposed to be. James is awake now, if you'd like to see him. Two at a time, please." Doctor Anderson added pointedly.

They all nodded and stood. As soon as Doctor Anderson was gone, Carlos, Kendall, and Logan bolted down the hall and skidded to a stop in front of the elevators.

"Maybe we should let Mrs. Diamond see him first," Logan suggested. "She's his_ mother, _after all."

"No way!" Kendall argued. "She's going to try to brainwash him into going back to Minnesota with her! I'm _not _letting that happen."

"Kendall, James can make his own decisions," Logan tried to rationalize. "That and he's stubborn. You know he won't give in to his mother that easily."

"Can we just go see him?" Carlos interrupted.

"Yeah, we can. _After _his mother does."

Kendall glared at Logan, but both mothers and Katie were now just down the hall. This was no time to fight, especially not after what a huge blow-out had just caused.

_Besides, _Kendall thought to himself as the elevator dinged open and they clambered on. _Maybe James' mom will realize how much stress she's putting on him and the damage it's doing him and she won't force him to make such a big decision. She saw what it just did to him. She heard the doctor. There's no way she's going to pressure him like that again._

Soon the six found themselves standing somewhat awkwardly outside James' room.

Mrs. Knight looked at Brooke. "You should talk to him first. We'll wait right here."

Brooke nodded, and, without a single comment, walked through the door.

James glanced over at her as she came in and headed toward him. He felt anger bubble up inside him. Take him back to Minnesota? What good would that do him? She'd baby him so much he'd feel ever more stressed. And she'd probably make him go see a shrink or something!

James scoffed as his mother came to a stop beside his bed. A shrink. He never thought he'd actually crack under the pressure of being famous. And he'd only just became famous! He'd thought fame would be so much fun. He'd be known everywhere he went. People would idolize him. But this was not what he'd expected. He knew celebrities got lost in the fame and went bad a lot of times, but he-they _all-_ had been sure that this wouldn't happen to them. They'd promised themselves and each other that they wouldn't let Hollywood change them. And now? James had changed a _lot _over the past month. His promise was broken.

"James? Sweetie, are you listening to me?"

James blinked and looked up at his mother. She was staring at him intently, seemingly waiting for something. Oh, right. An answer.

"Yeah, Mom, what?"

"I _said, _you're getting discharged in two days if things go right. And then I'm taking you back home."

"To the Palm Woods?" James knew that wasn't what she meant. He just wanted to gauge her level of patience. Maybe if she was in a semi-generous mood, he could talk her into staying. After all, how could she say no to him when he was laying all weak and innocent in a hospital bed, staring up at her with big hazel eyes, glinting with hopefulness...

"No. To Minnesota. Don't play that game with me, mister."

Oh. okay. Scratch that.

James groaned and buried his head in his hands. This was it. His life was officially over. There was no changing his mother's mind now.

"James, please don't try to make me feel bad," Brooke continued. "This is for the best."

"_How? How _is this the best option for me? This is only gonna make everything worse. I'm not gonna be the same anymore. I'm gonna be sad all the time. I'll hate you for the rest of my life. Is that _really _the best thing, for _both _of us?"

Brooke was absolutely stunned. James had _never_ spoken to her like that before. Maybe it was his condition, but regardless, Brooke wasn't having any of it.

"James! You will not disrespect me and my wishes! You're coming home with me, you _will _move on from this silly dream of yours, and you will do it without another negative comment!"

James bit his tongue. Literally. It was the only way to keep himself from totally losing it on his mother. He could feel the bubbles of anger pop inside of him, and he bit down harder until he could taste blood. As desperately as he wanted his mother to just _shut up and listen to him _for once, he knew it would only make things worse. He'd get too stressed and pass out again, or she'd never let him leave the house once they got back to dreaded Minnesota. So James used everything he had to keep his mouth shut.

"Do you understand me?" Brooke demanded in s slightly gentler tone.

James really didn't want to do this, but he had no choice. There was no getting your way with his mother unless it was what she wanted, as well.

So James, stomach twisting and jaw clenching at the motion, nodded. And that was that. He was going back to Minnesota.

* * *

><p>The next day at the hospital, James' last full one, wasn't too eventful. Kendall, Logan, and Carlos stayed with him all day. Mrs. Diamond didn't show up. She called and said she wasn't there because she was packing for James to leave the next day, but James had his suspicions.<p>

"I guess we won't be the Super Hollywood Party Kings of Hollywood anymore," Carlos said sadly, eyes downcast.

James sighed. "I guess not, buddy."

Kendall was the only one still mad and not moping around in defeat. There _was _a way to beat Brooke. There _had _to be. This was her only son's dream come true, and she was going to take it away from him just like that? Didn't she trust them and his mother to help James when things got rough?

"There has to be a way out of this. There _is _a way out of it."

Logan exhaled loudly. "Kendall, there _is no way. _This is Mrs. Diamond we're dealing with here. She's not like your mom. She isn't understanding or empathetic." Logan winced at his words and turned James. "Sorry, man."

James just shrugged. "Whatever. It's not like it isn't true. And no offense Kendall, but I already tried to stand up to her. There isn't a chance she'll let you convince her if I couldn't."

Kendall shook his head angrily. "Are you going to give up that easily? Since when do you let your mother push you around?"

"Uh, since I was born."

"Well, you're sixteen now, James. You're your own person. It's time to take a stand! For yourself, for the band. For your _future._"

"Kendall! It's over! Okay? I tried. She doesn't care about what I have to say. She thinks she's right, and you know there's no telling her she isn't. I'm probably in enough trouble talking back to her as it is."

Kendall opened his mouth to yell again, but Logan quickly cut him off.

"We're not supposed to be stressing James out, remember?"

Kendall closed his mouth, but his eyes remained hard and angry.

"Maybe if you bought your mom a kitten, she'd-"

"Carlos! Kittens don't solve everything!"

"Well sor_ry _be trying to be helpful!"

James gripped his head, feeling a headache coming on. "Guys, just face it. I'm going home. I don't know what's going to happen to you, but I'm done. And that's that." James wrinkled is nose in disgust as he listened to himself. He really did sound like his mother.

"What's going to happen to us...Oh, man. We need to call Gustavo," Logan realized. "Tell him about...this."

"This is going to go down well," Kendall growled, his sarcasm glaringly clear. He took his cellphone into the hall.

Carlos and Logan glanced at each other for a moment before turning their attention back to James.

"He isn't mad at you," Logan assured the brunette. "You know that, right?"

James nodded. "But what about you guys? What are you going to do? Try to replace me again?"

Logan and Carlos were taken aback. "Whoa, James, why are you bringing that up? We told you. There's no BTR without you. And we mean it. If you go, we go."

James lowered his eyes and stared at the tiled floor. "I wish none of us had to go," he whispered.

Logan and Carlos edged closer to his bed. "We know, buddy. We feel the same way."

After that they sat in silence for a few minutes until Kendall came back in. The other three stared at him with expectant eyes.

Kendall did _not _look happy. He was red-faced and breathing heavily. He looked back at his friends and his expression softened a bit. He sighed.

"Well, aren't I a genius? That didn't go down well."

Kendall came further into the room as he spoke. "He screamed for a while. Then he said he wants _us-_" he motioned to himself, Logan, and Carlos. "-to keep the band going as a trio." Kendall scoffed in disgust. "As if. I told him Big Time Rush doesn't exist if it isn't the four of us. Then he yelled some more and said he gave up. I guess that means we're done, and he's not going to try to fix it again. He hung up before he could so calmly explain that."

The room was silent again for a another minute as the boys let this sink in. This time, it really, truly was the end.

Carlos was the one to break the silence. "So...it's over? We go back to Minnesota and play hockey and shovel snow and try to forget these past six months?"

"Looks like it."

"Wait, you guys."

All heads snapped toward James. The brunette chewed his lower lip as he inspected the faces of his friends. Worn-out, tired, defeated. He couldn't stand to see them like that, especially when there was something he could do about it.

"You guys can't do this. You can't quit. Not when you still have the opportunity to keep going. With or without me. This is all my fault, anyway. If I hadn't...done what I did, my mom wouldn't be forcing me back to Minnesota, and we'd be fine. I let myself break. And you guys don't deserve to take the fall with me. So, please, just, keep the band going. Who knows? Maybe one day my mom will come to her senses, realize she's being insanely overprotective, and she'll let me rejoin."

"James, do you _hear _yourself? You're asking us to go on without you. We can't do that. The first time was a mistake, and we learned from it. We're never leaving you again."

James' eyes shone with tears. He didn't know what they were from. The selflessness of his friends? Or maybe the reality hitting. The reality of knowing that his dream had been stomped on, incinerated, crushed. And when it had been pulled out from under him, he'd fallen. And the landing had been a hard one.

* * *

><p>Five pairs of arms surrounded James in the nicest group hug he'd ever been a part of. He hid his face in the shoulder next to him so that his tears wouldn't be visible. Not that it mattered. When they broke apart ten seconds later, everyone could see them. But they were all crying, too. Even Katie.<p>

Suddenly James found himself laughing. "We're acting like we're never going to see each other again," he explained in response to the dumbfounded looks he was receiving. "We'll hang out like tomorrow. It'll be like it was before." _Before we were a band._

Before James could dwell on the finality of it too much, his mother was calling to him.

"James, lets go sweetie! You can see your friends tomorrow. Or...next week. The limo's waiting."

James forced a small, weak smile for his friends and second mother. "I'll see you guys soon?"

"Of course."

"As soon as we're back tomorrow." Kendall glanced over James' shoulder at the taller boy's mother. "No matter what she says."

James nodded, hastily wiping the tears from his cheeks. He looked one last time in each of their eyes before turning and walking out of the hospital. He watched the chauffeur load the last of his luggage into the trunk of the limo before sliding in. Maybe he was stalling. So what? It wouldn't make a difference. He was still going to be home by the end of the night.

The limo had come straight to the hospital, having had already gone to the Palm Woods to pick up the luggage. Brooke had said she didn't want James to go back. It'd only make this harder.

_Right, 'cause kissing my life-long dream-come-true goodbye isn't hard on it's own._

Everyone else was leaving early tomorrow morning. They needed time to pack their stuff and deal with rent.

James leaned his head back as his mother sat across from him. He closed his eyes and tried to ignore her. The last thing he wanted to do right then was talk to her. But she was insistent.

"You know this is for the best. That's the only reason I'm doing it. You understand, don't you?"

_No, not really._

"Yes, Mom."

"I'm not trying to be a bad mother here. I'm trying to be a good one, a caring one."

_Got a dictionary handy? 'Cause I'm pretty sure you won't find 'ruining your son's life' under _caring.

"I know, Mom. Look, I'm kinda tired. Can we talk about this on the plane?"

"Sure, sweetie. You just sleep. I'll wake you when we get to the airport."

James didn't answer. He just tuned everything out until he felt himself drifting into the land of dreams.

But instead of dreaming, his tired mind was flooded with memory...

* * *

><p>"<em>We'll leave you two to it."<em>

_Mrs. Knight gave Brooke's hand a squeeze, and she ushered the other three boys out of the room before closing the door behind them. James and his mother were alone._

"_M-mom..."_

_Immediately tears were running down Brooke's face, leaving streaks of black mascara and eyeliner. For once, she couldn't care less. _

_Before James knew it, he was being embraced tightly by his mother. Her sobs rang loud in his ears. "Oh, Jamie, my boy, you're awake, you're awake..."_

_James's mind was still a little fuzzy around the edges, but he understood what was going on. And he knew his mother needed assurance, comfort, and from him. So James wrapped his arms around his mother, returning the hug, as he blinked back his own tears. He had to stay strong for her. _

_Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Brooke pulled back, taking her son's pale face between her hands and staring straight into his eyes. _

"_I-I still can't believe...oh, James, I was so _scared, _I..."_

"_Mom, it's okay," he whispered, intertwining his fingers between hers. "I'm alive, I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm not going anywhere."_

_Brooke was slowly recovering. She nodded. "Yes, I know, you're right _here. _You're here with me...James, why?" She couldn't get the whole question out. The words wouldn't form. They were sour, and she knew she'd choke on them._

_James breathed in shakily. He didn't really even know. It had been spur of the moment, unfiltered thinking. No, no thinking. None. Just reckless actions. _

_He looked away, removing his eyes from his mother's. They were too sad, too filled with grief and sorrow. He couldn't handle it._

"_Mom, I'm sorry. I d-I don't _know _why. It just h-happened-" And then he was breaking down. He was crying, wailing, and gasping for breath as his wordless sobs burst from his throat, anguished and broken, shattering his mother's heart completely. _

"_It hurt, Mom. It all hurt so bad, and I just wanted it to end. I-I couldn't...I didn't feel anything. It was scary, but I didn't feel-af-fraid...Mom, I didn't mean to. I don't want to die, I don't want to d-die, I never did, I swear, I just needed to g-g-get out for a while-" His words became a jumbled mess of sniffles and shaky hiccups. His entire body shook, trembling harshly in his mother's arms. _

"_Oh, James. I know, sweetie, I know you didn't mean to. You know how much you're loved, how blessed you are. You would never intentionally do that to yourself, I know. Don't you worry, we'll make this better." She rubbed his back as his breathing slowed, returning to normal. _

"_It's over, you're awake, it's okay now... Oh, my Jamie. James...ames..."_

"James? James, wake up, we're here."

His mother's soft voice pulled him to alertness. James opened his eyes slowly and blinked at his mother. She was smiling excitedly. The fact that she was so happy while he was a miserable mess nearly made him sick.

_Yeah, she _would_ be excited. She has her little Jamie back._

James turned away from his mother's beaming face to glare out the window at a palm tree. Wait a second...Several palm trees, including two on a tan-coloured sign that read 'Palm Woods'.

And in front of the entrance, seven suitcases, all his, and an eighth one being carried over by the chauffeur.

Jaw hanging open rudely, too astonished to care, James stared at his mother in utter disbelief. He was too shocked to form a coherent sentence. "Where...why am I-"

Brooke just smiled wider, eyes shining happily, and patted her son on the arm. "You're home."

* * *

><p>Woo! James is home! His <em>real <em>home, the Palm Woods! What changed Brooke's mind? Hmm...I might have to tell you next chapter. :D

You _knew _I wouldn't make James leave and break the band apart, right? Of course not!

Oh, and, HORRAY for happy endings!


	18. Home

**A/N **First off, a BIG HUGE THANKS to all my awesome reviewers, as always! You're some pretty amazing people! And especially thanks to everyone who put Breakdown on their fave story list and me in their fave author list. Seeing you or your story in someone's faves is the greatest feeling in the world!

Aaaaand, sorry for the wait! -_-

Breakdown

Chapter 18: Home

James was feeling overwhelmed all over again, but this time, he didn't mind one bit.

"Mom, what-why...? I mean, I don't...you were so..."

Brooke laughed at her son's confused stuttering. Before she could explain her sudden, and James might add, very unexpected change of heart, there was a tapping on the half-open limousine window.

James turned away from his smiling mother to look out the window again. Kendall and Logan were grinning at him through the small opening at the top, while Carlos was ducked beneath them, his hands cupping around his eyes as he pressed his face against the tinted glass and flashed his teeth happily.

James just sat there in shock without the slightest idea of how to react, completely unable to move, to _think._ Maybe once he snapped out of this dream and realized it was all just a fantasy, then he could close his gaping mouth.

But it was too real to be a dream. The limo door was suddenly being yanked open, and then he was being hugged tightly, just like he had when he'd left...

Finally James could hear again. He could move. And what did he do with his restored mobility? He did the only thing he could at that moment. He hugged his friends back.

After a minute they all pulled away, Logan, Kendall, and Carlos grinning widely, eyes sparkling with excitement, while James remained to frazzled to be happy.

Why were they here? Why was the chauffeur taking his stuff to the entrance? Why was everyone, including his mother, so freaking _happy?_

Hardly realizing it, James was suddenly choking out words. "M-mom, what are we...doing here?"

Brooke laughed, a joyous sound, the first time James had heard her laugh or seen her genuinely blissful since she'd been here. Well...minus the three weeks he'd been unconscious, but he seriously doubted she'd been any happier while he'd been in a coma.

"James, I told you. You're home. And you're here to stay."

Well, that certainly cleared things up. "But...why? What..."

"Made me decide to get a heart?"

"I wasn't going to say it like that..."

Brooke patted her son on the arm and leaned close to him.

"Lets talk about it upstairs." Her eyes drifted upward, looking over James' shoulder, and she smiled once again. "And we'd better hurry. I don't think they can wait much longer."

James turned to see what his mother was talking about. He found himself smiling, too, at what his gaze rested on. His three best friends in the whole world were waving at him enthusiastically while they hauled his several suitcases of luggage into the Palm Woods.

* * *

><p>James was seated on the orange couch, sandwiched between his mother and Carlos. The helmet-clad boy was bouncing excitedly, making the whole couch shake. He wore a grin the lighted up the entire room. James wanted to be elated, he really did, and he knew he was, of course, but he was also anxious. Maybe even nervous. This was Brooke Diamond here. She hadn't wanted James to ever return to the Palm Woods. There had to be some kind of catch.<p>

"Does this have anything to do with the media exposing...what I did?"

"No, sweetie."

"Have you ever come in contact with a black man, caw's like a hawk all the time? _Super _creepy."

"James, no."

"Well then _why?"_

Brooke had to admit, she was pretty hurt. Did her son really not understand that she just wanted him to be happy? This was her personal choice. No one or nothing had forced her to change her mind.

"James, listen. It took a while for me to see this, but you weren't happy. And look what it was doing to you. And then what you said to me when you talked back."

James winced.

"It really made me open my eyes. At first I was going to punish you for disrespecting me like that, but then I thought '_What kind of a mother am I, taking him away from his dream when I should be doing everything I can to make him better?' That's _why I brought you back here. Because you've been through _so much_ lately, and you know I can't stand to see you hurting or suffering, and you have been. And I- we _all-_" Brooke paused to motion to the other individuals in the room. "-want nothing more than for you to be happy. So on the way to the airport, I had the driver turn around and bring us here. I called your friends and told them." Brooke smiled. "You should've heard how excited they were. Now I know I ultimately made the right decision."

James stared at his mother. Was she _serious? _Why had it taken her so damn _long _to open her freaking eyes and see that in the first place?

_No, that's not fair, _he argued with himself. _She never changes her mind, and she did for you. Be grateful, not judgmental._

James could see the apologetic sincerity in his mother's eyes. She felt guilty. But she had righted her mistake. She had taken him _home. _And right now, that's what James really needed. To be in the comfort of his home, surrounded by friends and family, here in LA.

"So...I get to stay?"

"Of course you do. Forever. And I mean it. If I find out you want to come back home-"

James laughed. "No way, Mom. I'm staying right here. You know, other then when I come visit you. Which, knowing Gustavo, will be rare."

"As long as you're happy, baby," Brooke whispered.

James nodded. "I am."

* * *

><p>James wasn't happy. Not that he was having second thoughts about staying in LA. No, he was just...having second thoughts. About other things.<p>

He was laying in his room, on his bed. Logan was sitting at the foot of his bed, legs curled up against his chest, arms wrapped around his shins, while Carlos and Kendall sprawled out on Carlos' bed.

James was trying to remember the last time he'd been in this bed. He didn't recall any of what his friends had told him in the hospital, about saving his life. Logan had said he'd woken once, right after Logan had revived him, and had looked straight at Logan with eyes that seemed to be dead and alive at the same time, saying something. But Logan hadn't figured out what. James didn't know what he'd been trying to say, because he didn't recall having been trying to say anything.

Logan pressing down on his chest, all of them crying and shouting, opening his eyes, vomiting all over the floor...He didn't remember any of that.

The last thing James remembered was the entering his room after he'd swallowed the fatal amount of pills. He didn't even remember laying down. He didn't remember feeling anything.

And now here he was, feeling something. Pain. His throat, his stomach, his head, all aching. And his heart, his brain. Too much thought. Like, was his mother telling the truth? She just wanted him to be happy? Why? Because if he wasn't, he might try even harder to kill himself?

It was making him feel guilty. Everyone had to give into whatever he wanted because if they didn't, he'd break. He didn't _want _everyone to be afraid of hurting him. He didn't want to be treated differently. Chances were, _everyone _was going to act different around him. All the Palm Woods residents knew. Gustavo and Kelly and Griffin knew. What were they going to do?

James didn't want to have to think about it, but he was going to have to deal with it anyway, and he wanted to be prepared for the worst. What if Griffin decided to call it quits on BTR anyway? Then this whole drama with his mother could have been avoided.

_Stop being such a pessimist! _

"James? You listening?"

James blinked and looked up at Logan. "Hmm?"

"You've been awfully quiet. Everything okay? What are you thinking about?"

James shook his head. "Just...everything. It's still a lot to take in, you know?"

Three heads nodded.

Logan began to rub comforting circles on James' shoulder. "I get it. But be careful about how you're thinking. Just remember that we're all here, together, happy. Okay?"

James nodded. "I know. And...thanks, guys."

"For what?" Kendall piped up.

"For being here for me. For being happy to see me awake...I didn't tell you guys this, but I thought you hadn't visited at all. I thought you guys didn't care, because of...of what you found out before I... And I shouldn't have ever thought you guys wouldn't care. I mean, I'd understand if you were still completely pissed..."

"James, James, shh. We know you didn't end up going back to Hawk again."

"I know. I told you that. And I'm never going to. It was the _stupidest _thing I've ever done. If only you guys knew how much I regret that..."

"Uh, James? We kinda do."

"...Oh. Right."

Carlos, who had remained unusually silent, shifted uncomfortably on his bed and spoke up. "Is talking like this always going to be this awkward?"

Logan and Kendall glanced at him. "It isn't...well, okay, it is a little awkward," Logan agreed. "But this kind of thing takes time. It needs to be talked out, and it'll take a while, but soon we won't have to talk about it anymore. Then things can go back to how they used to be."

James suddenly averted his eyes from the other three's as they all looked back at him. He didn't think things would ever be _exactly _how they should be. Close. But not exact.

"And like I was saying earlier," Logan added. "We aren't mad at you anymore, James. I'm not going to lie, I was. We all were. But everyone makes mistakes. That was yours. But we've been friends for way too long to feel like we can't trust you over this."

James just nodded guiltily, headache and stomachache worsening.

"You understand that, right?"

"Yeah."

"Good...Hey, are you alright?"

James finally looked back at Logan. Kendall and Carlos were suddenly by the bed, looking down at him, concerned.

"You look a little pale," Kendall informed him.

James sighed. "I'm fine guys. Like I said earlier, still a bit...overwhelmed."  
>"James...what else?"<p>

James groaned and rolled his eyes.

"James, we have to make sure-"

"I know, I know. I get it. And thanks for being so concerned, but don't freak yourselves out. I just don't feel a hundred percent."

Six eyes stared at him expectantly, silently urging him to elaborate.

James sighed. "It's just a little headache. And my stomach feels sort of funny. I'll be fine."

"You sure? It doesn't feel like anything serious?"

"Logan. Relax. I just need to sleep it off. It's been...a really long couple of days."

Logan nodded his understanding. "Alright..." he relented. "We'll let you get some rest. Just text if you need anything. Don't get up, and _don't _yell for us. And if you feel worse, _let us know._"

James started to nod, but a sudden thought struck him, and he smiled up at his friends sheepishly. "Yeah, that reminds me...I need a new phone."

* * *

><p>James slept for the rest of the afternoon. When he woke at around six pm, it was to Carlos grinning down at him and telling him it was time for dinner. James followed his energetic friend into the kitchen even though he really didn't feel up to eating. So much for sleeping off his sick feeling. If anything, it had only made his head and stomach hurt worse.<p>

James took a seat at the table and tried not to look at the food. But he couldn't avoid the smell of it. James rested his head on the table as he willed his stomach to calm down.

Of course, his action did not go unnoticed.

"James, are you okay sweetie?" Brooke asked. James shook his still lowered head, and his mother was out of her seat and at his side immediately.

"What's wrong, baby?"

"M-my stomach..."

"Do you feel sick?"

James nodded. "I mean, I'm not going to _be _sick, but...I can't eat anything."

Logan knew right away what was happening to his friend, and he scooted closer in his chair.

"Is your stomach cramping?" he asked.

James nodded.

"Then you _have _to eat something."

James raised his head to glare at Logan. "Do you always have to be difficult?"

"You haven't eaten anything since you've been home, and at the hospital all you had was ice chips and jello. You need to get used to eating solid food again." He pushed James' plate toward him. "Here, at least try some...peas. Just one spoonful to start. You can eat as slow as you need to."

James made a face at the small green spheres. Nothing was appetizing right then. Even the thought of pie made his insides turn. But he knew Logan was right. He was a medical genius. So James scooped four peas onto his spoon and slowly ate them. They didn't _taste _bad. James struggled to swallow them. Even though it had been three days, his throat was still slightly sore from the breathing tube.

James almost laughed when he looked up and saw that everyone was staring at him expectantly. He pressed his lips together and waited a moment before deciding that those four peas weren't making him feel any worse.

"You okay?" Logan asked.

James nodded and took a sip of his water. Six pairs of eyes continued to stare him down. James stared back.

"Uh, can you guys stop looking at me like that? Or just in general?"

Suddenly everyone was picking at their own food. Brooke rubbed James' arm before finally going back to her seat. The meal went on in a very uncomfortable silence for nearly five minutes until James couldn't force anything else down, and he broke the silence. "So, uh, when are we going back to the studio?"

Everyone stopped staring at their plates and looked up with relieved expressions on their faces, glad that someone had finally spoken.

Kendall answered. "The three of us were going to go in tomorrow to get things sorted out...If you feel okay to come, you can."

James nodded. "I probably should."

Logan glanced over at the brunette. "Are you sure? You don't have to. You can wait a couple more days."

"No. I want to know what's happening, too." James swallowed hard. "At least, I think I do."

The mood became uncomfortable once again. None of them had any idea what was going to happen at the studio tomorrow. Would Griffin be there? Would he be understanding and give BTR _one more shot? _Or had he already moved on, and was going to drop the bomb on them tomorrow? There was no foreshadowing. It made them extremely nervous.

"Well, we'll just have to wait and see," Carlos chimed in, trying to lighten the mood somewhat.

James shrugged and stole a glance at his mother. Even she looked worried. As rude as it may have seemed, James was happy she looked worried. Not because he wanted her to feel bad, but because he knew her worrying about the chances of the band not making it past tomorrow meant that she really did want him here, she truly wanted him to be happy and chase his dream.

James found himself hiding a smile. His mother was so beautiful. Inside and out.

* * *

><p>James wrapped his blankets around his body and sighed. Logan had been right. He felt better now that he had some food in his stomach. It was going to be a while before he could manage a full-sized meal, though. Tonight he'd eaten about a quarter of what he usually did.<p>

Logan came into the room and smiled when he saw that Carlos was already fast asleep. He and Kendall always fell asleep as soon as their heads hit the pillow. Logan and James weren't so fortunate, and usually they were left thinking endless thoughts of just staring up at the ceiling for an hour before they finally drifted off.

Logan wandered over to James' bed.

"You feeling better?" he asked softly.

"Yeah. Thanks. You always know what to do."

Logan just shrugged, blushing slightly. "It's not a big deal."

James sat up, tugging Logan down onto the bed. "Yes it is, Logan. You _saved my life. _I don't even know how to repay you for that. It's a _huge _deal."

"James...I know you would have done the same for me. And anyway, it was pure adrenaline. I wasn't even thinking. I just went through the motions and suddenly I became aware when you were staring right at me...And I knew you were trying to tell me something. I just didn't know what. I thought maybe you were apologizing. Or..." Logan's voice dropped to a pained whisper. "Saying goodbye."

James felt the tears begin to fill his eyes, and he pulled Logan in for a hug. They sat, crying silently, enjoying the warmth and the _life _they felt from each other and their tears stained each other's shirts.

Finally James pulled back, grabbing Logan by the shoulders and staring right at him. "I really am sorry I put you through that." His voice was barely audible.

Logan shook his head. "Shh, it's over now. Don't apologize. It's okay. We're going to help you. We aren't going anywhere."

James smiled weakly. "I know. I trust you guys. And I love all you so much."

"We love you too, buddy."

James wiped his hands across his cheeks, eliminating any trace of his tears. Logan mirrored the action. James was quiet for a minute, seemingly in deep thought, before he glanced back up at his friend.

"And Logan?"

"Yeah, buddy?"

"I think I know what I was trying to say."

"What's that?"

James' eyes burned just the way they had the first time they'd been trying to talk as they gazed into Logan's, and James whispered "_Thank you."_

* * *

><p>I really hope that didn't sound...I don't know, like, romancey and not <em>bromancey, <em>because that was not my intention. Yeah, I love bromance. So cute and happy!

I hope you guys liked this chapter. I loved loved LOVED writing the end. Now it's official. One chapter left, plus an epilogue. But no worries, more stories will come!

Next chap- BACK TO THE STUDIO!


	19. Return

**A/N **Surprise at the end! HEY, DON'T YOU DARE SKIP AHEAD TO THE END! You'll ruin it!

Breakdown

Chapter 19: Return

_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._

James felt his heart drop and his stomach turn before he even opened his eyes. Wasn't he out of the hospital and back at the Palm Woods? Why did he hear his heart monitor?

James slowly and reluctantly opened his eyes. Had it all been a dream? Was he actually getting released from the hospital today, and going back home to Minnesota?

James finally opened his eyes all the way. _Beep. Beep. Beep._

_Wait a second..._

That wasn't the familiar beep of the heart monitor. And this room wasn't blindingly solid white. It was his and Carlos' room in the Palm Woods. And that _was _his alarm clock.

James breathed out a sigh of happiness and relief as he reached over and flicked the off button. He heard Carlos groan from the other side of the room.

"Morning to you too, buddy," James chirped as he swung his legs over the edge of his bed, already in a good mood.

He left Carlos to wake up and headed into the bathroom for a shower. The hot water felt great against his skin. James realized that he couldn't remember when the last time he took a shower was. He shuddered under the spray of the water. Over three and a half weeks ago, obviously. Beyond _gross._

James turned the knobs off and the water stopped. He stepped out of the shower and wrapped a white towel around his waist, shaking water from his hair in a very dog-like fashion, droplets of the liquid flying everywhere.

Next James rubbed the fog from the mirror, but he quickly looked down as he did so, staring at the floor. Something was very wrong with him; he didn't want to look in the mirror.

This was a new experience for James, and he didn't like it, not one bit. The mirror had always been his friend. He could spend all day gazing at his reflection adoringly, and thanking the stars for making him such a stunner, but now? Now James was _afraid _to look in the mirror. And the worst part was, he didn't know why.

It wasn't like he had a reason to avoid making eye contact with his reflection. But that was thing that amped up his nerves the most. Looking straight into his own eyes. It wasn't that he was scared to see that his body, his face, had changed significantly over the past few weeks. He knew he'd gotten a bit skinnier, and his hair was a little lack-luster, but that was nothing. He was terrified of seeing dead eyes staring back at him.

Finally, uneagerly, James lifted his head and stared into the mirror. The first thing he noticed was how pale he was. Not just his face, but his entire body. It was _horrible. _But it was to be expected. He hadn't been exposed to the warm golden rays of the lovely sun for nearly a month, and he literally looked drained of colour. He was going to have to work extra hard to get his bronze glow back. Hard as in, lay around by the pool pretty much all day. And who knew how long Gustavo was going to keep them today?

James finally stopped obsessing over his pastiness and moved on. The next thing he noticed was his muscles. Still toned and defined, but not as..._perfect, _for a lack of better description, as they used to be, due to lack of proper nutrition and exercise. James sighed. Gym it was. Only, now what was he supposed to hit first, the pool side or the weight room? He couldn't exactly tan without a shirt looking like a twig (in his eyes, at least), but he also didn't want to go to the gym with all the tanned people down there and stick out like a...like a pale person among tanned people.

James scoffed to himself. _Nice metaphor. At least, I think that was a metaphor. _

James shook his head and decided he would hit the sun first. It took less time to get a tan than it did to build muscle. Anyway, he thought that his lack of colour was more obvious than his _slight _muscle loss.

James chewed at his lower lip as he slowly moved his eyes upward. What was he so afraid of? It wasn't like looking into his own eyes was suddenly going to make him a different person. It really wasn't necessary to be this nervous, but he couldn't help it.

Finally, James met his own eyes in the mirror. He leaned forward. Big and hazel and framed with thick, dark lashes. That was all the same. But they were lacking that certain sparkle that made James...James. It shouldn't have come as such a surprise. But James didn't like it. It certainly wasn't what he had feared. His eyes weren't dull and empty. But they were...sadder, maybe. Not as bright.

James stepped back, away from the mirror, so he could see himself altogether. It really wasn't that bad. If nobody knew what was going on, they'd just suspect he was a little under the weather. And maybe that's what people would think. That he'd been rushed to the hospital because he'd been sick, not because he'd overdosed.

James had found out shortly after arriving back at the Palm Woods that someone _had _managed tosnap a few shots of him being loaded into the stretcher. However, the shots had been taken from afar, and it wasn't crystal clear that it was James on the stretcher. But people assumed, and word got out that James Diamond of Big Time Rush had been rushed to the hospital. James was just thankful that nobody knew why. Security at the hospital had been fairly tight. No one was going to get the real scoop. James considered that the one lucky thing that came out of this. Not that he'd have had to worry about it if he hadn't...

James shook his head, watching drops of water drip from the ends of his hair to the floor. He couldn't keep thinking like this forever. He wasn't going to do it again, that was for sure. But there was still one thing nagging in his mind. Was his mother going to force him to go to counseling?

A knock at the door jarred James from his worrisome thoughts.

"James? You okay?" It was Kendall. "You've been in there for a while and I haven't even heard the blow dryer."

James tore his gaze away from the mirror and began getting dressed as he answered. "Yeah, Kendall, I'm fine."

"I don't believe you, but I know you don't want to talk about it, so I'll leave you alone now."

James winced as he listened to Kendall's footsteps fade away. He knew his friend was only trying to get him to talk so he'd feel better, but James didn't want to burden them or something like that. This was his mess to deal with. Besides, he was _fine. _He was.

Maybe not _great, _but better than he thought he would be. But maybe that was just because he was doing his best to avoid the problem altogether. He didn't want to talk about, so he thought about it. And that wasn't good, he knew. But it wasn't something that came up in every day discussions.

James sighed. He didn't want to stew over it anymore. All he wanted was to get to the studio, hear that BTR was going to live on, and move forth. That was his plan for the day.

_Maybe I _do _need counseling, _James thought as he began to blow dry his hair. Then he allowed all and any thoughts to depart from his mind as he focused on getting his hair to fall just right.

* * *

><p>James wandered out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. Logan, Kendall, and Carlos were sitting at the table, Carlos and Logan munching on bagels, while Kendall slurped up some cereal. The mothers and Katie were still asleep, due to the seven a.m earliness.<p>

His friends looked up and smiled when they saw James. "Hey, James, sit by me!" Carlos pleaded. He patted the chair to his left, and James laughed as he got a bowl from the cupboard and sat next to Carlos.

"Morning, guys," he chirped happily. Sitting here with his friends eating breakfast like everything was perfectly normal made him feel like everything was. James missed this. It had been way too long.

James poured himself some cereal, just enough to cover the bottom of the bowl. Kendall and Logan eyed him carefully, but they didn't say anything. Carlos, however, wasn't one to hold his tongue.

"James! You need more than that!" And Carlos took it upon himself to dump half the remaining cereal into James' bowl. The box had been full when Kendall had opened it that morning.

James' bowl was now overflowing. His stomach flipped. Logan noticed James go even paler, and he quickly shoveled the excessive amount of cereal back into the box while Kendall scolded Carlos.

"Carlos! Don't you remember what happened last night? James can't eat a lot! And we can't force him to. It'll make him sick."

Carlos lowered his eyes and took on the expression of a kicked puppy. Kendall's face softened a little, but he didn't apologize. Carlos should know better.

Logan stayed silent as he continued to empty James' bowl. James wrapped an arm around Carlos and gave Kendall a warning look.

"It's okay, Carlos, I'm not mad at you. You just forgot, that's all."

Carlos brightened, raising his head to grin at James. "Thanks, man! I'm still sorry, though."

"Don't be." James took over for Logan, finishing scooping the extra cereal into the box until he was left with the amount he'd started at. He poured his milk and glanced up. It was suddenly last night all over again. His friends were watching him closely, not even trying to be inconspicuous about it. James raised an eyebrow at them. "Uh, guys? Can you not?"

"Right, right, ha," Logan stammered, and shoved a hunk of bagel into his mouth, smiling sheepishly around it at James before looking away.

Carlos and Kendall just shrugged and continued eating their own breakfasts.

"Fo whadya finks gunna happen totay?" Carlos mumbled through a half-full mouth.

Logan glared at him while Kendall said "Who knows with Gustavo and Griffin. We need to be ready for anything." He suddenly looked dead serious. Loud gulps echoed around the table.

Carlos, always the optimist, just smiled and said "Well, I'm preparing for the best. We've gotten this far, what's gonna stop us now?"

Forced smiles broke onto the faces of the other band members, and they couldn't help but think that sometimes, Carlos seemed like the smartest of them all.

* * *

><p>"Welcome back, boy-"<p>

"Oh, if it isn't the DOGS, who I haven't seen in OVER A MONTH!"

"Gustavo, you know what's been going on," Kendall began. He was already getting worked up. Logan and Carlos didn't blame him. Gustavo had _no _right to be angry.

James, on the other hand, didn't want Kendall to start anything. He didn't want to be reminded about how this was all his fault. He just wanted to sing and have a good time with his friends.

James glanced up from the floor to see Kelly and Gustavo's eyes on him. He blushed and hastily averted his gaze.

"_Just. Sit." _Gustavo's voice was strained, giving away his struggle to stay calm. "Griffin will be here in twenty-one seconds, and he has left us COMPLETELY in the dark about what it going to happen to BTR, so you dogs will _pay attention _to _everything _he says, and you. Will not. _Interrupt." _His glare was focused on Kendall as he said the last part, and said blonde simply smirked back.

Eleven silent seconds later, Griffin arrived, letting his assistants enter the studio first so they could hold the door for him. He was smiling, as always, despite the somber explanation of their lengthy absence that he _must _have heard.

"Boys! So great to see you. I'm afraid I have some bad news."

The faces of all four boys fell. _You guys can thank me later, _James thought bitterly.

"My pants are cold, so I must make this short and quick. Daddy needs warm cheeks to function properly."

The boys shared baffled looks before glancing back at Griffin.

"Now. Time for the good news."

The boys, Gustavo, and Kelly all straightened up and focused their unblinking eyes on the white-haired CEO. Lips were bit and breaths were held. This was it!

"Big Time Rush...is going on tour."

Griffin's announcement was met by dead silence. The CEO threw his hands in the air, grin widening. "Isn't this exciting! I can see you're all too thrilled to react! So I'll leave you to let it sink in."

He turned to leave, but was stopped by Gustavo's sharp "_What?"_

"I don't believe that Big Time Rush is dead. Yet. If you can prove on the tour that BTR still has its huge fan base, then that means more dough for all of us." Griffin smiled grandly again, clapping his hands together once, as if the action would magically make everyone as chipper as himself.

"Griffin, we're not _ready _for a tour."

"Relax. You have plenty of time to rehearse."

Six sighs of relief echoed throughout the small room.

"The tour's in a week."

Now six disbelieving voices reverberated around the booth. "_One week?"_

"Big Time Rush is going on the tour it missed two weeks ago in one week." Griffin nodded at his own words. "Gustavo, if you and your boys can pull something together in that time, then I _know _Big Time Rush can truly do anything. If not, well, then, I'm afraid it will be the end of Big Time Rush. For good this time." Griffin smiled once more as if he hadn't just delivered the scariest news any of the band members had ever received and left, his robot-like assistants trailing behind.

Big Time Rush and its producers were left standing dumbfounded, blinking dazedly at each other as their brains raced to process this fresh information.

The room remained heavy with the eerie silence that could only mean one thing. The boys and Kelly sucked in deep breaths and clapped their hands forcefully over their ears.

Then Gustavo exploded.

* * *

><p>"I DON'T CARE WHAT MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS, THIS IS <em>IMPOSSIBLE!"<em>

"Gustavo, that's not true! We're _Big Time Rush. _Remember? We've already beaten all the odds. Did you think we would make it in the beginning? And have we? The answers are totally opposite!"

Kelly sighed and backed away. She wanted no part of this right then.

"Oh, I'm sorry Kendall, are you the one who has to GET YOU DOGS READY FOR AN ENTIRE TOUR, _AND _ORGANIZE IT?"

Gripping each other's arms fearfully, Carlos, Logan, and James shrunk back against the wall. Kendall stepped closer to Gustavo.

"No, _we're _not. But _we're _the ones who have to rehearse, have to perform, and have to get our heads together in a week when I still don't even have my head around what's gone on in the past month!"

Kendall moved to storm out of the studio, but he turned at the door and glared at Gustavo. "And don't think that we won't be able to do this. We will. If you want to quit on us again, go ahead. We can handle the tour without you." James swore Kendall's darkened eyes landed on him for a instant, but a second later the blonde was gone.

"Kendall, wait!" Carlos bolted out of the studio after him.

James glanced nervously at Logan. The boy was tugging his dark hair straight up, obviously stressing. He looked at Gustavo.

"Look, Gustavo, Kendall's right. We can do this. A week isn't a lot of time, but remember when we first came here? We became good enough to impress Griffin in three days. So, don't doubt us so much. We're doing to the tour. And we're going to do a damn good job." Then Logan, too, left.

Of course, James, feeling extremely uncomfortable, was itching to get out of there now. But before he could plant one foot outside the door, he heard a "WAIT!"

James slowly, _slowly, _turned around to face his red-faced producer. Beside Gustavo, Kelly looked a little concerned. "I think we should talk," Gustavo said.

James felt his stomach start to knot. Sweat beaded on his forehead and popped out onto his suddenly clammy palms. He knew this was all his fault, and he felt guilty enough. Did Gustavo really have to yell at him about it?

"Y-you know, uh, ha, I should..." James stammered, desperately searching for an excuse to leave. "I should make sure Kendall's not killing Logan and Carlos. Can't do a tour with two!"

James attempted to make his escape, but Gustavo's shouting voice held him back. Not physically, duh, but walking away from a fuming Gustavo was _not _something James considered best for his health, so he very reluctantly backed away from the door, but stayed as close to it and as far from Gustavo as he could.

Gustavo sighed. Next to him, Kelly pressed her lips together in a nervous manner. She knew this needed to be talked out. She just wasn't sure how Gustavo was going to approach the issue.

"James," the stocky producer began. "We know about...well, everything."

The speech had just started and already James cold feel the awkwardness in the air. He was mortified. This was hard enough to talk about with his best friends. Having to stand here and listen to his completely apathetic producer lecture him on doing the best for the band by _not _trying to kill himself...that was damn near impossible.

"Gustavo, look, I know I did something stupid, okay? And that the band is probably now done because of it. I get that. So _please, _just don't spend the rest of the day going on about it. Oh and, maybe you should listen to the other guys for once, 'cause they're right. We're doing the tour, and nothing's going to stop us."

"_Don't. _You walk through that door."

James and Gustavo's eyes widened in shock, for it was Kelly who had spoken so menacingly.

She noticed the looks she was receiving and shrugged. "What? They always listen to you when you're mean. Anyway," Kelly added, now looking seriously at James. "We don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything. We just want to make sure you're okay."

_Don't want to make me uncomfortable? _James thought icily. _It's a little late to prevent that._

However, James refused to show his embarrassment. He just forced a very unconvincing smile onto his face. "Uh, thanks, for...worrying, I guess. But I'm fine now. And I should really go make sure the other guys are. Bye!"

James made a break for it before he could be stopped again. When James didn't see any of his friends in the studio, his hand reflexively went to his pocket. But finding it empty, James cursed under his breath. "Hawk," he hissed, remembering the conversation that had issued the smashing of his phone. James sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He didn't care if it was sticking up haphazardly. He just wanted to find his friends.

James wandered aimlessly through the studio, for once hoping to hear Kendall's shouting voice. It'd make it so much easier to locate him.

And then James rounded a corner and cried out when something rammed into him. "Jeez, watch it!" Well, there was Kendall's voice, but it was shouting at him. _Not _what James had anticipated.

Kendall saw who it was that had just ran into him and sighed. "Sorry, man. I'm just...I'm so _mad!_ Doesn't he get that we're willing to work hard?"

James shrugged. "He's Gustavo," he stated simply.

Kendall just grunted in frustration as Carlos and Logan dashed around the corner, skidding to a halt just behind Kendall. They both looked a little discouraged, Logan more so than Carlos, because, of course, a smile was shining through the 'glass-half-full' boy's crestfallen expression.

"Guys, why are we standing around moping when what we _should _be doing is marching back into that studio and proving to Gustavo just how dedicated we are to the future of this band?"

Just like at breakfast that morning, the other three boys raised their eyebrows at each other. Carlos was so..._inspiring _today.

Logan was the first to crack a smile. "He's right again, guys."

James gasped dramatically at the words, earning a glare from Carlos and a chuckle from Logan. Kendall remained stone-faced.

"We haven't given up yet. And we're not going to. This tour is going to be a huge success. It's an _enormous _step toward our goal to becoming famous. And it _will _happen. So listen to Carlos. We have to work extra hard to pull this off. That means _no fighting Gustavo-" _Kendall rolled his eyes at the meaningful glare sent his way. "And no-umm..." Logan glanced awkwardly at James, blushing. "N-no obsessing over appearance when we're supposed to be practicing."

"Nice save," James muttered.

Logan shot James an apologetic look, but the pretty boy had already looked away. "Lets do this," he said, determination in his voice. "Lets blow Gustavo _and _Griffin away."

* * *

><p>"How was your day back, boys?" Mrs. Knight asked as the boys entered the apartment.<p>

Kendall gave her a sarcastic look. "Great! We found out we have a tour next week."

Mrs. Knight's tea sprayed from her mouth and across the table, while Katie's eyes gleamed ecstatically. "I _am_ going to be rich!"

"A- a tour?" Brooke's voice displayed surprise.

The boys nodded.

"James, you can't."

James' lips twisted into a frown, eyes narrowing in confusion. "What? What do you mean I _can't?_"

The two mothers shared weary looks before turning back to James. "Sweetie, the thing is, I was hoping to get you some...help."

"But I do have help," James insisted, wrapping his arms around his three friends. "I have all the help I need."

Brooke sighed. "No, James, I meant _professional _help."

"...Oh." James' eyes fell downcast, and his left arm slipped from around Kendall and Carlos' shoulders, his right from Logan's.

Brooke stood and made her way to her disheartened-looking son. "James baby, listen. I'm not so sure a tour is such a great idea right now. You're...incident is still recent. I just think it's best for you to have a little more time before you get back out there again. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"

James nodded, his eyes not budging from the floor, his heart growing heavy in his chest with dread. He'd altered his mother's decision once this week, could he do it again?

"You knew this was coming," Brooke continued. "The help, I mean."

"I-I know." James' voice was barely a whisper. He cleared his throat. "I know that, Mom. But...this is _huge _for me, for all of us. A _tour,_ Mom. If we don't do this tour, we're done. Do _you _understand what _I'm _telling you?"

Brooke's face went slightly pink. She was silent for a minute, and the entire apartment was suddenly still as everyone held their breath and awaited Mrs. Diamond's reaction.

Finally, she came back to life, blinking in shock at being spoken back to like that _again. _But her eyes were soft. They stayed trained on her son and didn't drift. "Let's speak about this in private, alright?"

James swallowed noisily. He nodded, not trusting his voice. He was shaking. Inside. Not just because of what he'd just said to his mother, but because of _everything. _If this tour didn't pan out, they were done. Simple as that. Griffin had made that very clear. Gustavo had made it even clearer when they'd gone back and told him they were ready to run themselves ragged in preparation for the tour. He'd shouted until Carlos swore his head was one more exclamation point away from imploding about how running themselves ragged was going to do no good come time for the concert, but convincing him they could handle it they'd managed to do.

But now? James' mother potentially not allowing him to tour? Meaning none of them would. His life was one bitter-sweet mess after the other.

James followed his mother into his and Carlos' room, ignoring the stares he could feel burning into his back.

Brooke shut the door behind them and sat on one of the beds, motioning for James to do the same. He could see the hurt in her eyes when he opted for the opposite bed, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

Never one to sugar coat things, Brooke jumped right in. "James, please, listen to me. Iknow what this tour means to you, I do. It's a new level of your career. I just don't think it's right to send you out there in the public eye when you're still not...you."

Now James' outsides were trembling as well. "Mom, you can't tell me that you know how much this means to me and then forbid me to do it! Clearly you have no idea what this means to me if you won't allow me to go! My career is _over _if I don't do this tour! And believe it or not, I don't _want _to go home and be the new CEO of your cosmetics company. Not only that," he pressed on, far past aggravated, "but I'll also be ruining the lives of my best friends! They won't go on without me, I know they won't. So _please, _just once, _do something that'll make me happy, not you."_

Brooke sat there, trying not to appear astonished. She didn't want her Jamesy to think she didn't care about him, but wasn't that how she was making him feel?

Brooke always got what she wanted, but she had a feeling this time she wouldn't. She _knew _the other boys would be begging her all night to let James go on tour. And besides, she'd let him stay n the first place. She should've figured something like this would come up. Plus everything he'd just rebutted with _did _make for a solid argument, she had to admit. What harm could a six week tour do...?

But no! He needed help, and that couldn't wait till after the tour. It was too risky. Counseling was the way to go, but...he was looking at her with his puppy-dog eyes, the ones she'd always been able to resist, but now she was cracking...

Finally, Brooke threw her hands into the air in exasperation. "Ugh! Fine James, you win. But you'll be under the watchful eye of Kendall's mother the entire time. And you're going to counseling the day after you get back! And you will have you're medication, so that should help...in the proper dosage at least... And I'm only permitting this because I know you'll be surrounded by things and people you love, so I really shouldn't worry so much...Oh, my boy..."

James didn't hear any of the _ands _or _buts. _His eyes had lit up the moment his mother had spoken the words "_You win."_

He let himself be swept up in his mother's arms, he even let her mess up his hair a little. At that moment, he didn't care what she was doing to it. All he cared about was them rocking the tour...in one short week.

* * *

><p>Guess what? SURPRISE! I CHANGED MY MIND! Inspiration came to me that I <em>couldn't <em>ignore, and the story ISN'T ending next chap! YAYY! For those of you who bought Elevate (I did, it's EPIC!), have a listen to celebrate the on-going of Breakdown! Or just to jam! Even though I'm sure you's already are. I am! :D

Also, randomly, I don't know why I say Brooke in this story but never Jennifer for Mrs. Knight. Huh. Just kinda happened that way, I guess. Oh well, I'm over it!


	20. Reassured

Breakdown

Chapter 20: Reassured

_The stage was lit up brightly, illuminating them in multi-coloured lights. They each held a microphone in one of their hands. And the crowd...the crowd was massive, far bigger than any of them had imagined it would be._

_For Kendall, Logan, and Carlos, this was the moment they'd been waiting so long for. The first performance on their very own _tour. _It was even more exciting than the concert. It was bigger, better. _

_And then there was James. He knew he should be as excited as his friends, maybe even more excited. But instead, his entire body felt heavy with dread. Something was going to go wrong. He could feel it. _

_But he had no time to dwell on this feeling of foreboding. The music was starting up. James instantly panicked. _What were the dance moves?

_He followed the other guys, copying their movements, but when they began to each perform different steps, James quickly made the decisions to follow just Kendall. _

_His friends were giving him strange looks when they had the chance. He knew they knew he didn't know the moves. And, suddenly, he didn't know the song. He didn't even know which one they were singing; how was he supposed to know the words and when to come in?_

_There was a big gap of just instrumental, and James knew he had messed up big time. This was it, the tour was canceled, Big Time Rush was over. _

_'No,' James whispered to himself. _

_The crowd was beginning to jeer. At _him. _James felt sick to his stomach. His head was spinning. This wasn't supposed to happen. How could he _let _this happen?_

_'No...'_

_His legs went numb. And then James felt himself falling. He managed to keep his eyes open long enough to see his friends tilting wildly as they rushed toward him. The boos of the crowd were deafening. _

"_James?" he heard._

_Everything went black._

"_James? James, wake up!"_

"James, wake up!"

Something smashed him over the head.

James shot up and was smashed in the head _again. _

"Ugh!" he cried out, grabbing at his throbbing temple. He sent a glare to whoever it was that had done the smashing. Predictably, Carlos was sitting in the middle of James' bed, grinning stupidly down at the brunette, and sitting on his legs, which were asleep.

James eyed the pillow in his smaller friend's hand and the helmet perched on his head. "Carlos..." James growled, still rubbing his injured head.

"Sorry, man," Carlos apologized, smiling and not looking very pitying. "But I think you were having another bad dream. You kept saying 'No, no, no' and then your breathing went funny so I figured I should wake you."

James let out a loud sigh and flopped back against his pillows. "Yeah, I'm just...not feeling so good about the tour."

"Still?"

James nodded.

"Hey man, no matter what happens, just be glad that we're even getting the chance to go."

James rolled his eyes. "Is it _possible _for you to be pessimistic, just _once?_"

Carlos frowned at his friend's question. It made no sense to him. "Why would I wanna do that?"

James just sighed and rolled over onto his side, even though he knew he wouldn't be going back to sleep. "Never mind," he mumbled into his pillow.

"Well, I hope you start feeling better about it, 'cause it's tomorrow."

James groaned. "Don't remind me."

Carlos sighed. "Look, James, nothing is going to go wrong. And I don't know what else to say to make you believe that, so instead I'll tell you to get your lazy butt out of bed. It's ten."

James just buried his head under his pillow and groaned again. Normally, the hour would have him flying out of bed and into the bathroom to begin his daily hair care routine, but right now he was too exhausted. Besides, he didn't have anywhere to be. He hadn't planned a date with any girl from the Palm Woods since before the concert, and they didn't have to be at the studio till later. They were leaving in the evening and driving through the night to Chicago for their first city. The Chicago concert was at night, so they would have all day to set up.

Long story short, it meant that James didn't have to get up right then, which was perfectly fine by him. He was still super tired.

"James? Did you hear me? I said it's ten. A.m. As in, wake up now if you want to be able to do your precious hair before six tonight."

James reached out a hand blindly, still hidden beneath his blankets, and pushed at Carlos. "Go 'way, Carlos."

James felt the pressure on his legs disappear, and he kicked them, trying to get feeling back. Suddenly the bed was rocking violently beneath him.

James' eyes shot open and he tossed the pillow from his head to the floor. He found himself glaring at Carlos, who was shaking the mattress.

James scowled. "Carlos!"

Carlos giggled childishly. "_Pleeeaseee _wake up."

James breathed deeply, trying to stay in control. "Why?"

"Because you have to take your medicine and I don't want you to be sad all day."

Instantly all of James' anger was vanished. It hurt him to hear Carlos say that, but looking into his friend's eyes, James saw that the helmet-clad boy didn't seem too bothered by it. It made it seem to James that Carlos had already gotten used to the fact that James was bipolar. Simple as that. Now why couldn't _he _just accept it for waht it was? It was never going to go away.

James slowly sat up, the tingling sensation in his legs very uncomfortable. He looked at Carlos, troubled hazel eyes meeting warm brown ones. He didn't know what to say, so he stayed silent and climbed out of bed, limping awkwardly with Carlos to the kitchen.

_'You have to take your medicine and I don't want you to be sad all day.'_

The words had sounded too casual coming from Carlos' mouth, and it only made it that much clearer to James that this was something he was going to have to live with forever.

"Morning, James," four voices chorused as he and Carlos entered the kitchen. There was one "Good morning, sweetie."

Kendall grinned at him. "Hey, man. Excited yet or what?"

James shrugged, averting his eyes to the floor. "Or what," he muttered under his breath, earning concerned frowns from everyone else.

Feeling returned to James' legs as he collapsed into a seat between Logan and Kendall. He felt a hand on his back, but he didn't bother looking up to see who it was.

"You okay?" came Logan's worried voice.

James nodded in response and rested his head on the table.

"Want some breakfast?" Brooke asked her son. "You look like you could use the energy."

Unsurprisingly, James shook his head. Nobody had really expected him to say yes, anyway.

"You've hardly eaten all week," Brooke said, and James could hear the pout in her voice. "You need to eat something, sweetie."

James sighed and lifted his head. He grabbed a random bowl from the table that someone had probably already used, unable to care less, and dumped a tiny amount of cereal into it. He didn't even bother pouring any milk. He forced one spoonful into his mouth and swallowed. He glanced up at his mother. "Happy?"

Brooke sighed. "Fine, you don't have to eat right now, but you will have something before you leave. And here." She placed a tablet of Lamotrigine on the table in front of James. He looked at it and sighed, but popped it into his mouth and swallowed without a drink.

"I'm gonna go have a shower," he mumbled, and left the kitchen.

Six pairs of eyes followed him until he disappeared around the corner. The kitchen suddenly fell silent. Everyone who remained glanced around, sharing uncomfortable looks and shifting restlessly in their seats.

"I...I'm worried about him," Logan said, at last breaking the thick silence.

"Me too," Kendall quipped.

Carlos nodded. "So am I. He's still been having nightmares about the tour. He won't talk about them, though."

Logan pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes and sighed. "He's over-thinking all the things that could go wrong, even though he's being doing fine at the studio. He's really psyching himself out."

Kendall and Carlos nodded. They saw it, too.

Brooke sighed. "I'll talk to him when he gets out of the shower."

"No offense, Mrs. Diamond, but you're not going to be there on the tour." Carlos dropped his pop tart onto his plate and Logan began to choke on his orange juice. "Juice up my nose," he gasped.

Once they'd recovered, they stared incredulously at Kendall. Was he really standing up to Brooke Diamond..._again? _Carlos suddenly felt the utmost respect for Kendall. He sure was bold. Logan just felt like his blonde friend was an idiot.

Brooke seemed to agree with Logan over Carlos. "What does that have to do with anything?" she demanded, keeping her intimidatingly intense gaze steady on Kendall.

Kendall refuse to be rattled. He just smirked. "I'm saying, _we're-_" he motioned to Carlos, Logan, and himself. "Going to talk to him. We're the only ones who know what it feels like to be up there performing. He needs _us _to help him through this. Not you."

Mrs. Knight had turned considerably pale during her son's tirade. "_Kendall! _Do you _not _know what respecting your elders means?"

Brooke looked sharply at Jennifer. "Ex_cuse _me? His _elders?_"

Jennifer Knight looked confused at the fellow mother's outburst.

"Well, you _are _older than Kendall," Logan chirped.

Brooke turned to glare daggers at him, and now Logan paled and shrunk down in his seat. His voice raised an octave. "But n-not by much."

"As if you boys could guess my age. I'm the CEO of a successful _cosmetics company, _remember? I use my products, and they work. They take _years _off." Brooke turned to Mrs. Knight again. "You should try my line out sometimes. Maybe we can get you looking your actual age."

Jennifer's jaw dropped for a moment before a storm slowly settled deep in her eyes. "Kendall, honey? Forget what I said about respecting your _elders._"

Kendall smirked and nodded. "Got it, Mom."

"Unless it's me!"

"Please, Jennifer, your children couldn't learn manners if they read them from a step-by-step guide."

"_Whoa! _Uncalled for!"

"C'mon, guys, lets just all think about cute, cuddly kittens."

"My children are perfect, Brooke! So is yours! You're just too busy caring about your own life to see that!"

"Who are _you_ to give _me _'motherly' advice?"

"Seriously, everyone, shut up and CALM DOWN!"

But it was too late for that. Everybody was screaming at each other across the table. Everybody except Katie, that was. She had her big brown eyes fixated on something outside the bathroom door. James stood there, watching with eyes that, even from this distance, Katie could see the tremendous pain in. They met her own for a brief second, and then James was gone, disappearing into the bathroom and closing the door quietly, not wanting to draw anyone else's attention to the fact that he had heard the whole thing.

Seeing James turn away like that broke Katie's heart. She'd had enough. She stood up on her chair so that she was taller than everyone else and shouted. "SHUT UPPP!"

Just like that, the table became silent. All eyes were on Katie and she remained perched on the chair, hands placed on her hips in an angry fashion, her face hiding no disgust.

"Are you people _listening _to yourselves? You're screaming and fighting over an issue that can and should be dealt with in a much different matter. And if you can't figure out how, then you're all really are just as stupid as you're acting right now."

The others seated around the table all lowered their eyes in shame. She was right. They all knew Katie was _very _smart and mature for her age, but she was never this serious. They knew they had messed up. Big time.

* * *

><p>"Alright! Are you <em>dogs <em>ready to ROCK CHICAGO and put BTR back on the map?"

Logan, Carlos, and Kendall cheered, fist pumping. Wide, excited grins spread across their faces. Meanwhile, James slouched down low in his seat and tried to block everything out. He felt confused. He'd literally yelled at and begged and disrespected his mother to get her to allow him to go on the tour, and now here he was, all packed up and ready to hit the road with his best friends and band mates, but he didn't feel...ready.

James felt the tour bus lurch to life, and now his fate was sealed. There was no running back into the Palm Woods wailing like a baby. He was doing this.

James could feel someone's eyes on him, but he ignored it. _Deep breaths, _he instructed himself. _You've done this before...sort of. It's like the concert. Only six of them. _

Somehow, that thought didn't offer James much assurance.

Logan took a seat next to James while Carlos and Kendall checked out the tour bus. It was so exciting, having their very own tour bus! And it was so big!

But James didn't care about that. All he cared about was not freaking out before the tour even officially began!

And since James didn't care about the finesse of the bus, Logan didn't, either. What he cared about was James, who, unknown to Logan, was now thinking about what had transpired at breakfast when nobody knew he was listening. Besides Katie, that was.

They'd all been fighting, over silly little things like cosmetics and kittens, but then there had been his mother's comment about Kendall and Katie being uncontrollably impolite. James remembered the way Katie had looked right at him, had to have seen the unmasked pain and guilt on his face. Then he'd gone on with the rest of his day as if nothing had happened. They all had.

But they were stupid if they thought James didn't notice the tension in the air the rest of the afternoon, so thick you could cut it like rope. Not a word had been spoken though.

Shortly after, Brooke had left. She would've went to at least one of the tour cities, she'd said, but she was going to be swamped at her work when she got back. James honestly didn't care that much.

And now here he was, sitting with his best friends in the whole world, on their very own _tour bus, _heading to Chicago. It should have been the best bus ride of his life. The best _moment _of his life so far. But instead, he was sitting there trying not to completely freak out. It wasn't just the tension that he could still feel, either. It was the dreams. No, the _nightmares _that had been plaguing him for every night the past week. The horrifying visions of him forgetting the words and passing out on stage. It had been the same dream every night, and now, of course, James couldn't shake the unspeakable fear that it was going to become reality.

"So you're _not _listening to me."

James blinked in surprise and turned his head toward Logan. "What?"

Logan smirked a bit. "I just told you that I forgot to grab your lucky comb when you asked me to before we left. Sorry, man."

James' eyes widened impossibly. "_WHAT? _Logan, _how could you _forget _to grab my LUCKY COMB?"_

James was appalled when Logan started laughing. Laughing! He'd expected Logan to shrink back, maybe bolt to the other end of the bus and hide behind Kendall, but _laugh?_

"Logan, this isn't funny! This is a serious crisis! We have to go back!"

"Relax, James," Logan chortled. He held something small and black out to James. "It's right here."

James shrieked and snagged the prized comb from Logan's outstretched hand. "Logan, what the hell?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But wow, that's not the reaction I got the first time I said it. You really weren't listening to me."

James scowled. "That was still mean."

Logan sighed. "Right, well, at least now I know something's on your mind. So what's up?"

James shook his head, absentmindedly running the fine teeth of his comb through his soft hair. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"James, I'm your best friend. I _know _when something's bothering you. So tell me what it is. Maybe I can help."

James stayed quiet for a moment as he considered just telling Logan the truth. It wasn't a big deal, right? Didn't they all get nervous? As a matter of fact, James recalled being the least nervous right before the concert. So why couldn't he just admit that he was now? It wasn't like his friends were going to make fun of him, especially not Logan.

But James just shook his head slowly again as he spoke. "Really, Logan. I guess I'm just tired. But I'm not distracted or anything."

"I never said you were."

"Well, you think I am."

"No I don't."

"Really? I'm that good at hiding- I mean, you-you-I...what?"

Logan raised an eyebrow at his stuttering friend. "I got you now. So _what is it _that you're trying unsuccessfully to hide?"

James groaned and hid his face in his hands. "Like you don't know. I heard Carlos telling you about the dreams."

James felt a gentle hand on his back, and he looked up to see Logan's warm brown eyes peering concernedly into his. "So that's what this is about? You're not excited because you think something is going to go wrong?"

James nodded pathetically.

"Oh, James. A dream means nothing. In fact, it has been scientifically proven that dreams often depict the opposite of what is going to happen. Like if a person dreams of a death, then the person who died will have a baby."

"What if a dude dies?"

Logan rolled his eyes. "_Most _of the time. In this case, your nerves are causing your unconscious mind to conjure up the idea that something's gonna go wrong at the tour, when really, it'll probably go perfectly."

"What's the opposite of fainting on stage? Waking up on stage? That makes me feel loads better. Why would I be waking up on stage?"

Logan sighed deeply. "Look, James, I don't know what to tell you. I can see you're not going to let yourself be reassured, so if you don't mind, I'm going to go check out the rest of the bus with more positive thinkers."

James felt tears prick at his eyes as Logan got up to leave, but he blinked them back hastily _Don't be a __baby, _he scolded himself.

Before he knew it, he had blurted out "I heard everything this morning. All of it."

Logan stopped dead in his tracks. With his back to James, the pretty boy couldn't see him lower his eyes in shame. How careless could they get, letting James hear them like that? Stupid!

Logan slowly turned around. "James, she didn't mean-"

"I made a mess of everything. My own other won't even come watch me on my first tour. And what M-Mrs. Knight said...my mom's too busy with her own life to care about me. Logan, _why? _God, _why _do I have to be such a screw-up?"

Logan dropped to the seat next to James. He instantly had his arms wrapped tightly around his crying friend. "Shh, James, it's okay. Don't cry. You know we're here for you, always. Me, Kendall, Carlos. Mrs. Knight, even Katie. And your mom, James, you guys will work things out. She doesn't think you're a failure. And remember, none of this is your fault. _None _of it. I don't why this happened to you, but it _will _get better. Okay? Just trust me. Look how far we've come already. We're on _tour, _James. This is indescribable. So don't think for a second that things are downhill from here. Because we have _so much more _awaiting us."

James' sobs slowed and quieted as he took in what Logan was saying. Of course he was right. Logan was always right.

James lifted his head from Logan's now damp shoulder. Man, his friends really meant the world to him. They always made everything better, no matter what. It was more than James could ask for. "Thanks, Logan," he whispered.

Logan only nodded. It was enough.

James wiped the tears from his face just in time. Kendall and Carlos came barreling back to the main part of the bus. "You guys have _got _to check this out!" Carlos exclaimed. He was flushed with excitement. Even Kendall looked impressed.

"Seriously, this thing is pretty awesome." Kendall hit the side of the bus, as if for emphasis, and Carlos yanked Logan and James to their feet. They laughed as Carlos dragged them along, showing off to them all the sweet, modern features of the bus like the swing out TV's over all their beds. Logan and James had to admit, it was pretty cool. And it was all _theirs._

By the time they had finished scouring the bus for anything that could potentially reward them with great fun, James had forgotten all about his mother and the dreams...until he went to sleep that night.

* * *

><p>Well. It took ridiculously long to get that out. Many apologies!<p>

So, what d'ya guys think? Is James' nightmare gonna come true? We'll see next chapter...

Review sound good? I think so.


	21. Panic

I hope you guys Love Me Love Me when I update this story. I love looking back on my work and re-reading it All Over Again. It just makes me want to Elevate. Show Me that you love this story by reviewing. Reviews make me feel like I'm not Invisible. I had No Idea I'd get this many. I feel like a Superstar! I write, you read, and we'll have the Time Of Our Life.

Okay, done with that creepy fangirl title obsession...thingy...

Onwards!

Breakdown

Chapter 20: Panic

"You look tired."

"I feel tired."

"Did you have it again?"

James sighed. He rolled over onto his side and let his arm dangle lazily off the edge of his bed. "What do you think?"

Kendall patted James on the shoulder. "Stop stressing. You're gonna be fine. You were perfect at the concert; don't think of this as any different."

"Oh, I _know _it's not different. Just like at the concert, if we screw up, it's over."

Kendall desperately attempted to lighten the mood. "Yeah, well, third time's the charm, right?"

James just stared humourlessly at Kendall.

Kendall hissed as if burned. "Okay, evil death stare. Remind me not to try to make you feel better."

"No, Kendall-" James reached out and grabbed Kendall's arm. "I'm sorry. I'm being ungrateful. You're right. All you guys have been trying to do this past week is cheer me up. But I haven't been giving you the chance to do that. So...thanks. It really makes me realize that we're all in this together."

"And don't you forget it."

"I won't."

Kendall smiled genuinely and moved to leave the little curtained-off section of the bus that was their room. All it was was two bunk-beds.

"Logan and Carlos are up. We've only been asleep for a few hours, but I think we're almost there, so, do whatever it is you do to get energized this early in the morning." Kendall stifled a yawn, and James couldn't help but check the time on his phone. 4:51 a.m.

He groaned and buried his head in his pillow. He felt like he hadn't been getting nearly enough sleep lately to keep him going. And he knew being tired at the concert would lead to disaster. As in, his nightmare coming true.

James huffed out a sigh and rolled out of his bunk. Once they got into Chicago and had stopped and checked out the area, he could go back to sleep and wake up later in the day, maybe around a time when _normal _people woke up, and hopefully he would feel more rested.

Kendall chuckled to himself as he listened to James grumble under his breath about how no sane person should ever be up before the sun. _Welcome to stardom, buddy, _Kendall thought.

James stumbled out of the little room and followed Kendall to where Logan and Carlos were sitting in another section of the bus, chatting excitedly. Carlos munched on a cookie.

Carlos saw James staring at the chocolatey hunk of biscuit in his hand and held out the bag to him.

James laughed and shook his head. "How can you eat this early in the morning, and with the first stop of our tour _tonight?"_

Logan and Kendall shared smirks before saying in unison, "It's Carlos."

"Oh, right. That's how."

Carlos pouted at his friends, but his expression quickly changed to one of joyousness as he looked out the window at the darkened city.

"Can you guys believe we're really here? I mean, it still doesn't feel real. We're on our very own _tour."_

Carlos was right. It had been said enough times, but it still didn't seem like reality. Not just yet. And even though the concert had been exhilarating, this was a whole new playing field. This was bigger. A tour _really _meant something. BTR was rising to a new level, one they never imagined possible just six short months ago.

"I know. This is so _surreal."_

James and Kendall nodded, the latter enthusiastically, James robotically. Sure, he was excited. This was literally his dream come true. He was just afraid that it would turn out to also be his nightmare come true.

* * *

><p>"Here we are dogs, Chicago, the one place you do not wanna mess up and embarrass yourselves."<p>

The fours boys ' heads instantly swiveled to stare at there producer in alarm. "Why not?"

"Because, it's where your first tour performance is...? Next week, it'll be Missouri you don't want to mess up and embarrass yourselves in. And if you do, well, you'll never know, cause YOU'LL BE DEAD!"

The boys winced as they were showered with their worked-up producer's spittle. "Okay, your point is across. NOW LET'S GO CHECK OUT CHICAGO, WOO!"

Carlos tried to run away from the tour bus, but four arms held him back. He turned around and frowned in confusion at Kendall and Logan.

"Carlos, you don't know Chicago. You could get lost," Logan rationalized.

"Yeah, _and, _it's five in the morning. We can't just go running around town when we're supposed to be getting settled in and resting up," Kendall added.

Carlos' eyes took on a defeated glaze, but then they were suddenly looking up at James, glinting hopefully, a trace of a smile playing on his lips.

James chuckled at his child-like friend. "Sorry, buddy, but I'm with Kendork and Logantor on this one."

"Hey!"

"I told you not to call me that."

James ignored his friend's protests and winked at Carlos, revealing to him in that small motion that he actually wanted to march around Chicago as well. But for a different reason than Carlos.

"Whatever," Kendall grumbled. "Let's just get set up so we can get back to sleep."

The boys helped Gustavo choose a location to park their bus for the night, and they soon found themselves fast asleep once again.

Except James. He, of course, could not fall back asleep. He was tired enough to. He just didn't want to. He knew he would have the dream again. He knew he shouldn't let himself be bothered by it, but he really couldn't help it. It was just too...premonition-y for his comfort. He was left with an uncomfortable feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach while he lay awake for another hour and a half.

Naturally, Carlos was awake the instant the sun was up, at a little before six thirty. That boy had no internal clock. He was up at the first hint of daylight.

And, as always, he got right in the other guy' faces to see if they were awake, too. Carlos was always happy, but there were a few things he couldn't stand, two of them being sleeping later than the sun, and being alone. So he went around creeping all of his friends' bunks until he got to James', last of course, after earning a smack to the face from a half-lucid Kendall.

"James..." Carlos' voice was just above a whisper.

_Hmm. Maybe he does know how to be considerate. _James smiled a bit at the thought, and Carlos suddenly forgot all about consideration as he shouted "I saw you smile! Don't even try to pretend you're still asleep, James!"

_Whump! _

"Hey!" Carlos rubbed the back of his head where the pillow had connected. "James, I think Kendall just threw a pillow at me!"

James sighed heavily. So much for making sure he was rested enough to not have to worry about collapsing on stage.

"Carlos, I don't care. Kendall, don't be mean."

"Oh, I'm sorry! Did Carlos yell right in _your _ear?"

"Um, actually, yeah."

"Oh." Kendall blinked slowly, trying to clear his sleep-fogged mind. "Right."

A groan sounded from the bunk below James. "Ugh. Shut _up. _Sleeping is good for you, and if you couldn't tell, I'm kind of trying to _get some sleep?"_

"Sorry Logan." Carlos glanced slyly up at James and mouthed '_I'm not sorry' _and proceeded to make a big show out of covering his mouth to hold back to seemingly uncontrollable giggles that threatened to burst from his throat as if his false apology to Logan was just too humourous not to laugh at.

"That's hilarious, Carlos," James murmured dishonestly, yawning. His exhaustion was quickly catching up to him. He knew that wasn't good.

"Come _on _you guys, this is the most exciting day ever! How can you guys sleep knowing we have our very first tour performance in...um...a certain number of hours!"

_I can't._

"Twelve and a half," Logan murmured.

James' stomach twisted. Twelve and a half hours didn't seem like a lot of time at all. He knew the worst part was that the day would go by sickeningly fast, and seven o'clock would come sooner than he wanted, and that meant it wasn't long until he'd screw up and humiliate himself in front of potentially thousands of people.

_Maybe nobody will show up, _James thought hopefully. _Maybe they forgot all about BTR since we've been away for so long. Yeah, no audience means no performance. _It was so absolutely ridiculous and ironic that _James _of all of them would hope for something like a cancelled tour, especially after how hard he'd fought to get his mother to grant him permission to go, however reluctant. It made James snort.

"Something funny?" Kendall mumbled from somewhere beneath his pillow that Carlos was struggling to pull off. A hand shot out from under it and flailed at the overly hyper Latino. "Leave me alone, Carlos."

James cleared his throat. "Uh, no. Nothing's funny."

Finally Carlos gave up and went to sit on Logan's bed.

Kendall, sensing Carlos' sudden lack of presence, popped out from under his pillow. His blonde waves were untamed and unruly around his head, but he wasn't James. He couldn't care less.

"How did you sleep?" he asked his brunette friend seriously.

James shrugged. "Fine. You?"

Kendall glared at James, unimpressed. He knew that James was well aware that Kendall hadn't just asked him in a casual, everyday-morning question kind of way.

"James..."

"Kendall, honestly, I slept fine and I feel great."

Kendall only shook his head and looked away. Sometimes he thought James was more stubborn than himself. It was nearly impossible to get the self-obsessed boy to admit to anything that wouldn't gain him any positive attention.

Kendall turned away from James and said nothing else. He looked over at Logan being attacked with a pillow by Carlos.

"Logan, I'm excited and I can't sleep, so wake up!"

Logan peeled his blanket off his head and glared at Carlos for a moment before a devious glint came to his eye that the boys weren't used to seeing.

"You're excited for tonight, right?"

Carlos nodded eagerly.

"Well, if you go back to sleep, it will make the day go by faster. When you wake up, the concert will be closer."

Carlos' eyes brightened. "You're right!"

Carlos wasted no time diving back into his bed and huddling under the covers. "Goodnight, guys!"

Kendall and James laughed as Logan fist-pumped and mouthed a triumphant '_yes!'_. James felt himself start to lighten up. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. Like Logan had said, they were only dreams. They didn't necessarily _mean _anything.

And besides, how could he not let himself have a good time when he was on tour with his best friends?

Without warning, the curtain separating their little sleeping area from the rest of the bus was flung back, and Gustavo stood in the door...the _curtain _way, gazing at the four boys.

"Dogs! Who's ready to see where they'll be performing tonight?"

His question earned four unexpected groans.

* * *

><p>"This place is huge! Way bigger than the stage in LA!"<p>

Carlos ran around the inconceivably enormous stage, staring out into where the crowd would hail.

"Yeah, yeah, it's all so grand and exciting, now GET OFF THE STAGE BEFORE YOU FALL OFF AND ARE UNABLE TO PERFORM!"

Carlos just giggled and hopped off the stage onto the ground where his red-faced producer stood with the other band members.

"Gustavo, has there _ever _been a time where you _weren't _so uptight?"

"NO!"

Carlos shrugged. "Just checking. Like I was _just checking _out where we're going to be performing. _Tonight!"_

He high-fived a grinning Kendall and Logan, and a grimacing James.

"Whatever, dog. When you get hurt and lose your music career, don't come crying to me!"

With that Gustavo stormed away, leaving the four friends to gush about how life-changing tonight was going to be.

"I think I'm gonna die, I'm so _pumped!"_

"Didn't I tell you guys that opportunities like this come once in a lifetime? Now look where we're at!"

"This is _huge. _Do you guys have any idea how much exposure this is going to get us? It'll put us in a whole new league!"

"Yeah, and if we make it through tonight, we still have five more cities to worry about screwing up in."

Kendall's face took on a look of anger and disgust. He whirled to face James.

"You know what? I've had enough of your negative attitude. You're the one out of all of us who wanted to be here the most from the very beginning, and now look at you! You're bringing us all down! Keep thinking like that, and something _will _go wrong. Don't you believe in yourself, James? In _us?"_

James gritted his teeth together; whether he was trying to hold back a nasty retort or tears, he wasn't sure.

"Listen, Kendall. I haven't heard you talking about having horrible dreams of...of bad things happening. And I _know _it's stupid of me to freak out over them, but...I don't know, these dreams are my way of being nervous, and I can't help that!"

Kendall's hard expression softened, and he stepped forward and placed a comforting hand on his jittery friend's back.

"James, look, we all know what you're feeling right now. Maybe we haven't been having nightmares about tonight for the past week, but we're nervous, too. We're just trying to cover it up with excitement so maybe the nerves will go away. And I think you need to do the same, too."

"The more you think about it, the worse it'll be," Logan added, breaking into the conversation. "If you let your worries take over your mind, you'll end up psyching yourself out, and that's when something _will _happen. But if, like us, you forget all about anything that could be stressful, you'll feel better. Instead of looking at the potential _negatives _of tonight, look at the definite _positives. _It's working for us."

James breathed in shakily. "You guys are right. I just...can't get my mind off everything that could go wrong."

"You mean everything that _won't _go wrong."

James nodded. "Yeah, right." A small smile etched onto his face, brightening his eyes for the first time in quite a while. "You know what? You're _totally _right. This is just like the concert all over again. And that concert went great. And I had a lot more on my mind then."

Kendall, Logan, and Carlos suddenly looked uncomfortable at those words. James payed no notice.

He wrapped his long arms around his three friends and pulled them close. "You guys rock. You always know what to say. Thanks."

His friends only smiled and hugged him back. Everything _had _to go right tonight. No, not right. _Perfectly. _James deserved it.

* * *

><p>James could hear his heart pounding in his skull. His breath raced. He glanced over at Carlos and wondered fervently how the antsy boy could remain so calm at a critical time like this.<p>

"Show time," Carlos announced, slapping James on the back enthusiastically. James swallowed convulsively, sneaking a peek at the trash can that sat a little ways away backstage. He prayed he wouldn't have to make a mad dash for it any time tonight. His churning insides told him he might.

Carlos noticed the greenish tinge to his friend's face, and he backed up. "James, you alright? You look like you're about to upchuck."

James shook his head. He was glad he was only with Carlos. Logan and Kendall were entering stage left, Carlos and himself stage right. If he'd been with Logan, the brainiac would've dragged him offstage and declared the performance postponed. 'Cause that really would have been allowed. And Kendall would have started shouting at him for not telling anyone _just _how nervous he really was. He'd have a much easier time convincing Carlos that he wasn't freaking out.

James shook his head, responding to Carlos' concerned inquiry. "I'll be fine, Carlos. Just...nervous stomach."

"Are you sure? You have to do a back flip out there. Remember what happened last time you did one?"

Despite his queasiness, James rolled his eyes. Yes, he hadn't done a single back flip since the puke-in-Carlos'-helmet incident. He'd told Gustavo he'd been practicing them back at the Palm Woods. Gustavo hadn't believed the brunette, but he never pushed the issue. Maybe Kendall or Logan had told him the real reason James refused to perform one.

Now James groaned. "Don't remind me. And I'm _sorry."_

"It's cool, man. But, seriously, are you sure you'll be okay out there?"

"_Yes, _Carlos. Once we start singing, I'll forget everything and I'll just be having the time of my life. No worries."

A stage manager came up behind the two boys. "You're on in two," he warned, before walking away.

A wave of panic washed over James, and he felt himself start to hyperventilate. He grabbed at Carlos for support as his knees gave out under him.

"Whoa! James, hey, James, listen to me. Breathe, okay? You have to breathe. Deep breaths, in, out, in, good job...okay, out!"

To both of their pleasant surprise, Carlos was successful with calming James down.

"Look at me. Hey, that's it, just focus on me, on breathing. Nothing else exists right now."

Carlos heard James' breathing slow, return to normal, and he himself let out a loud exhale. "Good job, James. You're okay now."

James nodded slowly, staring straight into Carlos' warm brown eyes. James felt strength come back to him. He let Carlos help him to his feet. "You alright now?"

James nodded. He sucked in another heavy breath. "Th-thanks, Carlos."

"Don't mention it, buddy. You scared me there. James, do you really want to do this?"

James could hear the seriousness in Carlos' tone. Carlos, serious? Absurd. This entire situation was _serious, _and James knew he couldn't afford to make the wrong decision here.

So, jaw set, eyes determined, he nodded. "I'm going out there, Carlos. This is my dream. I need to go get after it. And besides, I'll have you guys right there with me. Nothing can stop us."

The familiar grin appeared on Carlos' face, and he jumped into the air. "We're doing this! We're so doing it!"

He put his 'game-face' on.

"You ready to do this James?"

This time when asked, James' stomach didn't lurch. He smiled. "Ready."

One minute later, they were on stage.

* * *

><p>Famous, Big Time Rush, Any Kind of Guy, Stuck, This Is Our Someday.<p>

Mistakes? No. None.

Nerves? Completely evaporated.

Audience reaction? The boys could still hear the ring of screaming and whistling and insane applause and the crowd of thousands singing along in their ears.

The boys stumbled off stage, remembering to catch their breath as they transported back to the real world.

"Holy crap!" Carlos gasped. "I've never felt so alive!"

His friends laughed. They were filled head to toe with a giddy feeling. "_That..._was unreal."

Carlos patted a smiling James on the back. "See? You freaked out for nothing. Just imagine if you had ran off right before. You would've hated yourself!"

The lively chattering stopped right there. Kendall and Logan's gazes were fixed intently on the subject of Carlos' statement. "What?"

James managed to flash Carlos a glare before his other two friends moved in.

"Did something happen when we were on the other side of the stage?" Logan demanded.

James felt his cheeks heat up, and he began to stammer. "Uh, well, you see, um... Darn it, Carlos!"

"_James. _You panicked, didn't you?"

James sighed in defeat. He wasn't in the mood to lie. "Just a little bit-"

"A _little bit?" _Carlos interjected incredulously. "You almost gave the stage janitor a mess he should've been paid double to clean if he'd had to!"

"_Custodian," _Logan snapped reflexively, then shook his head. "James, you should've said-"

"Said what, Logan? I already told you guys I was scared out of my mind, and you told me not to think about it, so I took your advice, and I was fine until right before we went on, but Carlos calmed me down, and it all turned out smoothly, didn't it?"

Logan shared an apprehensive look with Kendall. James _was _right...

Logan sighed. "Yeah, it did. Sorry, man. Don't think I'm mad; I'm not."

James grinned and draped his arm over his smart friend's shoulder. "Nah, it's cool, Logan. Besides, now I know I don't have to worry about the rest of the tour. If nothing went wrong tonight, what could go wrong in the next five weeks?"

Now Logan got an uncomfortable look on his face, but when he went to respond, he was interrupted by Mrs. Knight running over to them, Katie trailing behind her.

"Oh, my boys, you were amazing! I'm so proud of all of you!"

Mrs. Knight pulled them in for a squishy group hug.

Kendall was the first to push away. "Thanks, Mom." He pecked her on the cheek.

Five heads turned to the sound of Katie's voice saying to a stage manager "You wanna buy a BTR t-shirt? Only fifty bucks, no tax. And if you get two, the second one retails at a great value of forty-nine ninety five. _And _if BTR fails, you can still use the shirts to wipe away any spills that might occur around the house."

"_KATIE!_"

"Here's my card..." Katie handed her business card to the very confused stage manager before hurrying over to congratulate her brothers.

* * *

><p>"One down, five to go!"<p>

That was Gustavo's congratulations to them.

They were still sweaty and flushed and pumped full of adrenalin by the time they escaped away to the bus an hour later.

Hugs and shouts and high-fives were still being exchanged when they piled back onto the bus. "Just think, we're doing that again in less than a week!"

James had to admit, he felt completely ludicrous for having had been so nervous. It had been a _blast!_

James laid awake while the others crashed as soon as their heads hit their pillows. He reflected on every single emotion, every individual thought that had ran through his mind while he was out there singing his heart out. Even though he'd told Carlos he would be more than fine once he got out there, he hadn't been so sure. But the instant he'd stepped foot on stage and heard the endless cheers from the myriad of audience members, all traces of worry were stripped from his demeanor, and he'd gone on to belt out lyrics, dance, and perform three back flips without hesitation. How could he have had worried so much? Logan was right. The dreams meant nothing. If anything, they really _had _been the opposite. Instead of one thing going wrong, _everything _had gone _flawlessly. _

Sighing happily, James closed his eyes as he felt the rush of the night fade away to a fuzzy feeling inside. Tonight had been simply astonishing. He couldn't ask for anything more.

* * *

><p>The weeks flew by, way too fast for the boys' liking. They wanted to absorb every last incredible second of the experience, but before they knew it, they were in New Jersey for their final performance of the tour. It felt to all of them like the past five weeks hadn't even happened.<p>

Each performance had gotten better than the previous. They grew more and more confident every time they stepped onto the stage, and James grew less and less nervous.

They had gotten massive exposure over the past five weeks. Fans everywhere we walking up to them on the streets and asking for pictures and autographs. BTR was at a high point. There was no way Griffin was going to call it quits on them, again. Not after this rocking tour.

However, there was something nagging at Logan. James. He'd been a lot better since the Chicago concert. What was worrying Logan was that James was getting a lot of fan interaction. Not that that was necessarily a bad thing. The more fans the better. Logan was just afraid that James was getting maybe a little _too _much fan interaction.

A true fan would brave anything to meet their icon, and apparently, James was the icon of a lot of teenage girls, and some of those teenage girls were braving something for a chance to meet James Diamond.

Sickness.

James would never know just how many of the hands he'd shaken had been sneezed on or coughed into prior to touching his.

Now it was about thirty seconds till show time. Kendall, Logan, and Carlos were feeling great. James was feeling alright. He'd developed a cough and a low-grade fever seemingly over night. However, it was nothing too serious, and though he'd been unsuccessful in hiding it from Logan, James had managed to convince the doctoral boy that even if his voice was a little rough, it was the last performance of the tour. He could handle it.

So Logan, reluctantly, agreed.

Logan should have known better.

"You good?" Carlos asked as he patted James on the shoulder.

"Yup. Even if I blow my voice after this, it's worth it."

Carlos grinned. "That's the spirit."

"...last stop on their big time tour, it's Big Time Rush!"

James ran out onto stage with Carlos and saw Logan and Kendall waltzing in from the other side of the curtain, the microphone already up to the blonde's lips, the first lyrics of Famous escaping his mouth and ringing out over the elated shrieks from the vast crowd.

_Do you want to ride in a big limousine?_

James brought the microphone to his mouth.

_Tell me, do you want to take a little bite of the fame machine?_

Carlos' eyes shone as he belted out the next lines.

_If you wanna be discovered and end up on the cover_

_of every star studded supermarket magazine._

_You can do it,_

_Stick right to it._

_It could happen tonight._

_You wanna be famous (famous)._

_You wanna be the one who's living the life._

_You wanna be famous (famous)._

_You wanna be the one who's taking the free ride._

The crowd went wild as the last notes faded and started right up into Big Time Rush.

Way too soon, the boys were singing

_Why wait? Why wait?_

_Cause this is our someday._

And then there was that moment where all the boys could hear was the eruption of screams and unrestrained cheers. They felt elevated, like they were floating. It was pure bliss. What a way to end the tour.

What a way to end it, indeed.

As the cheers finally began to die down to scattered claps and a few more whistles, James felt it. He knew it was going to happen before it did, but there was nothing he could do to stop it.

He hadn't been feeling this bad before the concert, he really hadn't, but now...

James' eyes widened as he felt his stomach jerk and twist. Logan's eyes were drawn to his suddenly pale friend as his hand shot up to cover his mouth. He _knew _James hadn't looked well before they went on. Logan really should have known better. They both knew what was going to happen.

Apparently so did the crowd, as proven when the front three rows cried out and scrambled back, desperate to get away before...

No longer able to hold it down, James doubled over, one hand clutching his stomach, the other still clamped firmly over his mouth. It did nothing to stop the gush of vomit that made its way through his fingers and splattered onto the stage floor.

James could hear the gasps and shouts of disgust and shock from the crowd as his body heaved again.

Kendall, Carlos, and Logan only looked on in terror, frozen and unable to function, to even think, as their poor friend gagged again and again, his grip on his stomach tightening.

Finally James was done retching, but he was still doubled over. He was able to think. And what he was thinking was '_Now I've done it. The tour went flawlessly, and now...now we're over.'_

There was a sudden silence. Nobody in the entire audience moved. Nobody on stage flinched.

How had it all gone south so promptly?

So much for New Jersey being the least worried-about performance.

Logan really, _really _should have known better.

But if anyone should have taken precaution, it was James.

The night before, he'd dreamed the performance had gone perfectly.

* * *

><p>Felt bad about taking so long to get chapter 20 out, so hope this speedy update makes up for it! And as for chapter 22, well...I doubt it'll come out fast. I don't even know what's going to go on. :O<p>

"If nothing went wrong tonight, what could go wrong in the next five weeks?" -The moment when you're like, 'Way to speak too soon, James.'

Whoa! So long...but so good! At least, I think so. I hope. Was it?

Hurling during a performance, that's never good. At least it was at the end, but still... What's gonna happen now? Uh oh...tune in to chapter 22 (whenever it comes) to find out! ;)


	22. Consequences

**Seriously CANNOT stop jamming to Elevate! EVERY SINGLE SONG IS SO ADDICTING! And their voices...just...I get chills every time I listen to any of their songs. These boy are just perfect! **

**But I'm sure you all know that.**

**Shout out to PizzaTop21, RainTastesGood, BigTimeGleekBTR, I'm Bananas For Bananas, emmyloser, bigtimerangergirl123, Anonymous Skrtle, and Twisted Illusions, for your awesome reviews! This chap's for all of you!**

**A _little_ Kendall background in this chapter. Just...letting you know.**

Breakdown

Chapter 22: Consequences

James still hadn't snapped out of the mortified trance he was in. He didn't even feel himself being dragged off stage by his friends. He didn't feel palms pressed to his forehead, or someone wiping his hand off with a tissue. All he knew was that he was now no longer in front of the audience, but he could still hear them in his mind, crying out in disgust, over and over. The nausea was still present in his stomach. He could see himself, doubled over, puking between his fingers, in front of thousands of sickened onlookers. Some role model he was.

James didn't know what the crowd had done once they'd left the stage. Probably all gone home to call up their friends who hadn't attended and told them never to go see BTR in concert. James honestly didn't care what everyone thought of him now. All he wanted was to go home. To Minnesota, and never come back.

James eventually became aware of his friends leaning in close to him, bombarding him with questions. He blinked up at them dazedly.

Before his mind had even caught up to what was happening and what they were saying, Mrs. Knight was suddenly there, immediately fussing over James.

"Oh, James, are you okay sweetie? Don't you worry about a thing, we're going to take you back to the Palm Woods and make you all better."

James cringed. He wasn't sick! And he didn't want anyone thinking he was. It was just these past six weeks had been hard but he hadn't let himself be nervous, and now that it was over, it had all finally caught up to him and...the consequences weren't pretty.

Wow. Even to James, that sounded like the lamest defence ever.

"I'm not going back to the Palm Woods," James mumbled through his hands, which he was now hiding his face in. "I can't. Everybody there probably knows. I'm going home. I'm going to be the new face of Brooke Diamond Cosmetics."

Kendall ran a distressed hand through his hair and sighed. "James, be real, man. What happened sucks, it totally blows, but you'll get over it. Nobody is gonna remember this forever."

"Yeah, only for a few years. That's not so bad." James' hoarse voice dripped with sarcasm.

"Maybe if you think about kittens, you won't feel so bad."

"Carlos!" James exploded. "_Kittens aren't the cure for everything!"_

Carlos suddenly seemed ten times smaller. He shrunk back. "I'm sorry, I..."

Kendall fended for Carlos. "Don't freak out on Carlos!" he shouted at the pale brunette.

James bit back a moan. Was it really necessary for Kendall to yell at all the wrong times? James felt like his head was going to blow up. Every single noise was exacerbating his headache. Did Kendall _have _to scream in his face?

"I'm sorry, okay? It's natural to be a little upset about this."

Logan and Mrs. Knight, seemingly the only ones feeling sympathetic at the moment, rubbed James' back in a failed attempt to comfort the sick boy.

"You don't want to go home, James," Mrs. Knight cooed softly. "You put up a pretty strong argument with your mother to get her to let you stay. You're not going to throw that all away, are you?"

James considered. It was true. What had been the point of fighting his mother and for the first time ever _winning _against her if he was going to go back home anyway?

James shook his head.

"Once this all blows over you'll be glad you stayed."

James sighed. "I know, I know. I'm making too big a deal out of this."

"No you're not," Carlos chimed in. "I'd be really embarrassed, too, if I barfed all over the stage tonight."  
>Carlos attained four glares of disapproval at his words, but he just smiled back as if he'd said the right thing.<p>

"Can we just leave?" James moaned miserably. His stomach was twisting, his head pounding.

"Oh, sure, you can leave. RIGHT AFTER YOU EXPLAIN WHAT JUST HAPPENED OUT THERE!"

The backstage residents all winced at the familiar rage-flooded voice.

Kendall wasted no time jumping to his friend's defense. "What's to explain, Gustavo? He got sick, it happens."

"NOT DURING A PERFORMANCE IT DOESN'T!"

"Well, it did. You can't seriously be mad at James for it. It wasn't his fault."

"Are you telling me that it's _wrong _to be mad that tonight was this band's LAST PERFORMANCE EVER!"

"If I was telling you that, that would mean I'd be admitting to this being our last performance. Which is _isn't. _Griffin's not gonna end Big Time Rush again over something like this. It happened at the very end, anyway! It's not that big of a deal!"

James's moods were still iffy. Even though he'd been on his medication for almost two months now, he still sometimes experienced minor mood swings. Right then seemed to be one of those times.

He stood abruptly. The world spun sickeningly for a long moment, before straightening itself out. "Kendall, please stop arguing with Gustavo. He's right; what just happened out there was...bad. Who knows how Griffin's going to react? But it happened, and I can't change that. If we're over, we're over."

His friends were all taken aback at his sudden change in tone.

"James, don't talk like that. Big Time Rush is not over," Logan tried to convince his fretting friend. "Griffin's always been fairly understanding. And like Kendall said... '_it'..._ happened at the end. It isn't like it ruined the tour."

James crossed his arms over his chest and didn't respond.

Logan sighed and turned to Mrs. Knight. She turned to Gustavo.

"Gustavo, look. You have to understand that the boys have never done anything like a six week tour before. They've been working extremely hard, and I'd say that apart from tonight's little incident, the tour was immaculate. You have to admit, the boys did an amazing job. So if you could just put this aside and consider the fact that absolutely nothing else went awry, then maybe you could learn to have a little more faith in the boys, and therefore, a little more optimism for the band."

"Oh, you think I didn't have faith in them? Do you think I would have let them step foot on stage if I hadn't? Well, I did, and now guess what? THEY BLEW IT!"

"You don't know that yet!" James exploded. "Why do you always automatically assume the worst? Your pessimism is rubbing off on us, too. I mean, Logan' always been bad, but now? I'm pretty sure the world would end the day he looked on the bright side of something. And me? So I've never been the _most _optimistic person, but yeah, I like to see the silver lining on every cloud, and now I can't be positive to save my life. Pretty soon you'll have Carlos always seeing the negative of every situation. _Carlos!"_

Gustavo was too flabbergasted to respond. None of the dogs had ever lost it on him like that before. He didn't know how to react.

Everyone else was just as shocked. James didn't usually have such a short fuse. He was pretty good with keeping his temper in check. So what had just happened?

"Where did that come from?" Kendall uttered.

James gripped at both sides of his head. Seriously, who set off a grenade in there?

"I-I don't... You know it's true...I'm sorry, I just..." James trailed off. He had no idea what he was trying to say. His mind was so muddled. Everything was confusing him.

Mrs. Knight grabbed James' arm in obvious worry. "Don't worry about it right now, James," she murmured soothingly. "Let's just get you to the bus."

She turned to Gustavo. Even he could tell that she was not happy. "Just...call one of the other boys tomorrow." She forced back a look of disgust and lead James away, Katie and the other boys tracking behind.

She didn't like the way James was looking. He was eerily pale, almost grey, and his damp hair clung to his forehead. His cheeks were flushed, the only hint of colour in his ashen face. Granted, the others boys were flushed and sweaty too, from just finishing the performance, but Jennifer Knight was a _mother. _She knew this was different. She could feel the heat radiating from the brunette teen even from where she had her hand placed firmly on his arm.

Jennifer rubbed at her eyes with her free hand. James was a stubborn patient, but he was really sick and she wasn't going to leave him alone until he was better, no matter how much of a fight she put up.

It was going to be a long few days.

* * *

><p>"You know, I offered you sanitizer how many times?" Logan raised a skeptical eyebrow at James. "And you didn't take it. That's why me, Kendall, and Carlos aren't sick. Because we understand the power of hand sanitizer. It's effective stuff."<p>

"It dries out your skin!"

"It's better to have dry hands than vomit-covered ones!"

James scowled. "Low blow."

"Well it's true."

"...I know..."

Logan sighed. He moved forward and patted James on the shoulder. "It is what it is, regardless of whether or not it could have been prevented. And right now, you're sick, and stressing yourself out is only going to make it worse."

James moaned and rolled over, burying his face into his pillow. He just wanted to be back at the Palm Woods so he could lay in his own bed for the first time in over a month. The tour bus beds were comfy, but small, and James just plain missed the comforts of the Palm Woods, which he now considered his home.

However, James wouldn't be getting his wish for another seven hours. That's how long they still had on the bus. New Jersey had been their farthest stop.

"How can I not stress about this?" James mumbled, his voice muffled by the pillow. "I'm worried sick. Aren't you?"

"James, you're not worried sick. You're worried _and _sick. And weren't you the one going off about looking at the bright sides of things earlier?"

"I don't know what I was talking about. It just came out. And what's the 'bright side' of this, Logan_?What _good could _possibly _come out of this?"

Logan faltered. "Uh, well...okay, how 'bout not looking at all the bad things this _might _cause. Might as in, _not for sure._"

"I don't see any other way to look at it."

Logan sighed, frustration seeping its way into his veins and settling.

"I think you just need to sleep. Hopefully you'll feel better and be in a better mood in the morning."

James didn't say anything as Logan left, drawing the curtain closed on his way out, isolating James from the rest of the bus.

James finally lifted his head from his pillow and let the refreshing air fill his lungs. But a breath tickled his sore throat, and he began coughing harshly. Ugh, couldn't people just be courteous and wash their damn hands before touching other peoples'? It eliminated the need for skin-destroying sanitizer _and_ kills germs probably better than stupid sanitizer.

James' coughing slowed just as the curtain was shoved hastily back and Kendall popped in. His concern-filled eyes scanned James over quickly. "You okay, bud? You sound like you're dying in here."

"I'm good-" But another round of coughing gave him away.

Kendall watched his friend with a mix of sympathy and helplessness. There was nothing he could do to help James. He'd taken just about all the medicine he could within a safe amount. It wasn't only that, though, that Kendall couldn't help James with. The sick teen was solely convinced that BTR was done, and that all the blame could be put fairly on him.

Kendall doubted he could persuade his friend otherwise. But it was worth a shot.

"Don't worry about Logan. He just doesn't want you to stress about this or blame yourself while you're sick. It's not good for you. And, you know that it _isn't _your fault. Right, James?"

James only shrugged.

"And that we don't blame you?" Kendall pressed on.

"Kendall, no offense, but nothing you say will make me feel any better about this. The only way I'll get over this is if- _if- _Griffin doesn't fire us." He sighed. "And that's a big if."

"James..." Kendall winced at his own fed-up tone. James was going through enough as it was, it wouldn't be fair or at all _helpful _to lose it on him now.

Speaking softer, he began again. "James, I don't know exactly how you feel right now. I'm not going through what you're going through. I don't know what's on your mind. But I do know that you're never going to stop hating yourself if tonight ends us. I'm still not budging when I say it won't. Either are Carlos or Logan. Even my mom and Katie are sure this won't change anything. But if it does- and that's a big _if-" _James scowled. "-won't you at least be happy that we made it this far? I mean, your dream has come true, James. Isn't that enough?"

James sat up, narrowly avoiding smashing his head off the roof. He glared down at Kendall. "No, Kendall, it isn't enough. It's not enough because we could have gotten _so much farther _if I had just...just...I don't know, used the freaking sanitizer. That's how easily this could have been prevented. But no, I had to be an idiot and think about skin care over health, and now look where it's gotten me!"

Kendall flinched. His eyes grew wide and he actually backed up a step. James had officially lost it on him. And he wasn't done.

"How can you try to reassure me that it's all going to be okay when you don't _know _that? ! I mean, really, how can you just _stand there _and lie to my face? ! What's wrong with you, Kendall? Logan, Carlos, all of you! If I believed you guys and things ended up going the way I say they're gonna, you have _no idea_ how much I'd hate you. None!"

Kendall didn't answer. He had no idea what to say. It seemed like anything that came out of his mouth earned himself more hostility from James. Speaking of which, where was all this hostility coming from in the first place? Sure, James was upset and he every right to be, but couldn't he see that his friends were just trying to help him?

Kendall didn't know whether he should just leave James alone to cool down for a while. He feared it would appear that he was turning his back on his friend, and that would only worsen James' mood.

Wait a second...his mood...

Kendall raised his eyes to meet James'. "James...I'm sorry. Think what you want. I'll leave you alone."

With those whispered words, Kendall walked away. Something wasn't right, and he knew what.

* * *

><p>"Is it just me, or has James been having mood swings galore today?"<p>

Logan shrugged. "The medication's a treatment, not a cure," he rationalized. "He's still entitled to some off days. Besides, he's sick. Everyone gets a little cranky when they don't feel well."

"So it isn't just me."

Logan rolled his eyes at Carlos. "No, Carlos it isn't just-"

"You!" Kendall appeared, wide-eyed. He pointed frantically at Logan. "James has been having mood swings galore today!"

Logan threw his hands up in exasperation. What was with it and his friends' ability to think what one another was thinking?

"Yes, I know, and no, it's not just you."

Kendall's eyes narrowed, displaying confusion. "What? Never mind." He shook his head. "Say James forgot to take his medication one day. Would that give him mood swings? Like, worse ones than usual?"

Logan frowned a contemplating frown for a moment. A second later, his head snapped up with a gasp. His eyes were as huge as Kendall's. Without a word, he bolted from his seat and to the bunks, Kendall hot in pursuit. Carlos chased after them, the only one not understanding what the problem was.

"Guys?" he called as he followed them. "What's going on?"

"I thought you were going to leave me alone," James mumbled as his three friends burst into the sleeping area of the bus.

Logan opened his mouth and closed it a few times. He didn't know quite how to start. "James... there's no easy way to ask this, but...d-did you, uh, you know..."

Kendall rolled his eyes. Well, this was getting them nowhere. Not feeling patient enough to wait for Logan to stutter his way through the inquiry, Kendall blurted "Did you take your medication this morning or not?"

James froze. His already pale face blanched even more. His eyes darted left and right, as if searching fervently for an escape. But there was none, so he turned to his trusty back-up option. Lying.

He forced a laugh. It came out a strangled choke. "Of course I did. Why would you ask that?"

"You're not the one in position to be asking questions here."

"Kendall-"

"_Tell. The. Truth. _You didn't, did you?"

"_I did! _You saw your mom give me the pill!"

"That doesn't mean you took it! You could have easily hid it under your tongue! That's the oldest trick in the book! Doesn't mean my mom wouldn't fall for it!" Nobody, not even Logan, caught onto the strain in Kendall's voice when he said those words.

Logan nudged Kendall with his elbow. "Dude, take it easy."

"No, Logan, this is serious!"

"Fine! I d- I didn't."

James' sudden confession wasn't news to Kendall or Logan, but they were surprised anyway. They hadn't been expecting to get it out of James so effortlessly.

Carlos looked a little uncertain. Not taking his medicine, that was a bad thing, right? But hadn't he taken a whole bunch when they'd gotten back to the bus?

But then Carlos keyed in on what medication they were talking about. Now _that, _Carlos knew, wasn't good.

The boys were stunned to see tears streaming down James' cheeks. He'd been yelling a second ago.

"I-I-I'm sorry," he sobbed, tugging at his hair. "I just...I can't stand feeling like such a freak. I thought maybe if I didn't take it, I could learn to control my emotions like I used to be able to...I hate feeling that lack of control, and I just...I did something stupid! If I could take it back, I would! I don't like being happy and laughing one minute, and screaming at you guys over nothing the next. I'm just...sorry!"

"James, you're not a freak," Carlos insisted, his voice gentle and soothing. He had clued in to what had happened, and now all he wanted to do was make his best friend smile. "And don't be sorry. We aren't mad at you. We understand." Carlos spoke for all of them. He was sure Kendall and Logan felt the same way. If they didn't, well then, that was just...that was just rude.

James wiped the salty rivers from his flushed cheeks. "Y-you mean it?"

Carlos nodded. The sparkle in his eyes proved his sincerity.

"It'll never happen again. I promise."

Carlos grinned at his brunette friend. Carlos trusted him. Kendall and Logan were a bit more worried, but they plastered small smiles onto their faces, as well. James was covering all the negatives in his mind. He really needed them to be thinking positively right now.

"We know it won't, buddy." Carlos patted James on the knee. "And James? Remember something."

"What's that?"

"We love you."

And Carlos' grin broadened, because he got more than he'd hoped for. Along with smiling back, James responded with, "Only if you remember that I love you guys, too."

* * *

><p>"I wonder what we're supposed to do since he skipped a day," Kendall pondered aloud as he and Logan sprawled out on the couches that had folded out from the table. They and Carlos were sleeping out there tonight to do the best they could to avoid catching James' flu bug or whatever it was. Though it made more sense for James to sleep out there since he was just one person, the others had all agreed that they should. James was sick, and they wanted him to be as comfortable as possible.<p>

Now Carlos was saying goodnight to James. He always liked to stay up with his friends when they couldn't sleep, but James needed his rest, and Carlos promised he'd only talk to him for five minutes. So far, it had been nine.

"He just starts taking his medication again tomorrow like normal," Logan told Kendall.

The blonde tried to look at his friend in the darkness. "How do you know that?"

"Well, ever since James was diagnosed, I've been reading into mental disorders like his. Not just bipolar, but other ones as well. And I happened to come across that."  
>"Oh."<p>

They were quiet for a moment as they listened to the hushed murmurs of James and Carlos coming from the other side of the bus.

Finally Logan broke the silence. "...Kendall?"

"Yeah, Logie?"

Logan ignored the nickname. "How...how did you know?"

Kendall was quiet again. He shifted uncomfortably and cleared his throat abashedly before answering. "Well, when I first started taking anti-depressants, I...I did the same thing that James did today."

Logan forced himself not to gasp or cry out _what? _or something to that degree. He only nodded in the blackness.

Kendall continued, not really expecting a big reaction from Logan. Logan knew how to hide his shock most of the time. "I was never supposed to talk about it, but...I didn't want a little pill every day to determine my decisions. It's not that I _wanted _to be depressed. Honestly, I was so relieved when my mother found out. I knew I was going to get help, and that's what I wanted,m ore than anything. And, like James, I was glad to be getting help, glad that I wouldn't have to worry so much about what I might have done to myself. It was a little hard to accept at first, the pills made the reality of me being depressed so much clearer. It was hard taking those pills, but I did because I knew that they could save me.

But then one day, I couldn't do it anymore. I suddenly didn't want to face the fact that I had to take one of those tiny white pills every morning to keep my thoughts in check. I didn't like being _medicated. _It made me feel different, and that was _not _something I wanted to feel then. So I pretended to take my medication. Hid it under my tongue." Kendall suddenly chuckled humourlessly to himself. "Even after all these years, Mom still checks to make sure it's gone."

"So that's how you...but what happened. Kendall, what did you do when you didn't take it?" Logan's voice was bleak, like he was afraid to ask, afraid of what the answer could be.

"Well, it just so happened that I skipped it the day of the one year anniversary of my father's death." Kendall fought to squeeze the last two words out.

Now Logan didn't bother trying to hold back his gasp. This was just too much.

"It was around the same time I started getting depressed the year before. So, that...it put me over the edge." The next thing Logan knew, Kendall's flashlight was being snapped on. He blinked away the bright spots hovering in his eyes before he turned to Kendall questioningly. He was rolling up his sleeves.

Logan felt sick. _No, no. I don't want to see this._

But Kendall's arms were now exposed. Logan looked closely. He forced himself not to turn away.

The scars were barely visible. They were small pink lines, running across both of Kendall's wrists. The years that had gone by since they'd been carved into the skin had faded them almost completely. It wasn't hard to see now why Logan had never noticed them. But now that he was looking _for _them, he could see so clearly. And in those many faint scars, Logan could make out every ounce of hurt Kendall had been feeling when he'd sliced the razor down his arms. It made his head spin.

Logan lifted his eyes to look directly at Kendall, but the blonde flicked the light off. The bulb went out, and it Logan a moment for his eyes to adjust to the darkness again. Soon enough he could see the shadowy outline of Kendall, moving into a lying position.

Logan wanted to say something, anything, to let his friend know that he understood that what had just been shared with him was _extremely _personal. But what was he supposed to say to that?

"K-Kendall, I..."

Logan was shocked when Kendall laughed. He stopped stuttering. How was this funny? Or was the noise emitting from Kendall's mouth one of those 'I-don't-know-what-else-to-do-so-I-think-I'll-laugh' kind of laughs? The kind that didn't really mean one thought something was funny.

"Um, Kendall-"

"I know what you're thinking. '_What am I supposed to say to that?' _Am I right?"

"Okay, seriously, how do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Never mind...Kendall, I _don't _know what to say. I mean...if you found out...no, it's not fair to ask you that?"

"What, if I found the same thing out about one of you, what would _I _say?" Kendall actually thought about it for a minute. "Wow. I guess I wouldn't know what to say, either."

"I mean...wow. I never knew...see, I still can't even think straight!"

Kendall laughed again. "Logan, it was _years _ago. You don't have to say anything."

"It's just...how could I not have noticed?"

Kendall shrugged, forgetting that Logan couldn't see him. "I did everything I could to hide it. It was only for a day anyway."

"But...you went through so much for so long. We didn't even know you were on anti-depressants till a couple months ago. What kind of friends are we if we don't even notice _that?_"

"Logan." Kendall's voice took on a on a serious tone. "I didn't want you guys to find out, so I made sure you didn't. I guess I'm just good at hiding things I want hidden. It doesn't make you bad friends. Not at all. In fact, you're the best friends anyone could ever ask for."

There was a brief moment of silence as Logan thought over Kendall's words before the blonde added, "And don't ever make me feel like I need to say something like that again, because I'm not into that sappy stuff."

This time, Logan laughed. A real laugh. "I'll try."

Kendall nudged his friend. "But seriously, you guys do mean the world to me... Okay, that was the last time."

Logan just smiled. It wasn't often Kendall said things like that, so you knew when he really meant it.

"And the same goes for all of us."

The bus hit a bump then, and Logan and Kendall jostled slightly in their makeshift beds.

"Ugh, I'm never gonna get any sleep," Kendall groaned.

Logan chuckled slightly, but he agreed. He was sure that just as he'd start to drift off, they'd hit another pothole and he'd be jolted back to awareness. It had happened several times on the tour already. Logan really couldn't wait to be back at the Palm Woods. He was sure James and Carlos couldn't, either.

"That reminds me..." Logan muttered. He felt around for the flashlight. "I'm gonna go get Carlos."

Kendall laughed. "Yeah, it's only been half an hour. Knowing him, he probably fell asleep in there."

"I wouldn't doubt it."

Logan fumbled his way into the curtained-off section of the bus. He flicked off his flashlight when he saw that Carlos held one of his own.

Logan smiled at the sight before him. Carlos sat on the lower bunk across from James. He was grinning, as per usual, and chatting away, seemingly oblivious to the fact that James was half asleep, his eyes alternating between half-mast and closed. He yawned.

"...and then I said to the corn-dog- Oh, hey Logan."

Logan raised a skeptical eyebrow at his helmet-wearing friend, who just smiled back sheepishly.

James' eyes opened, tired-looking and bloodshot. "Why would you say 'Hey Logan' to the corn- Oh, hey Logan."

Logan smiled at James and tried not to laugh. His two childish friends always ended up saying the same thing without realizing it at one point or another throughout the day.

"Carlos, it's been way too long. James needs some sleep. And so do you."

Carlos' lower lip jutted out in an adorable pout. "But Logan, I'm just trying to make him feel better."

"I know buddy, and that's really nice of you, but you know what? Sleep will make James feel better more than anything else right now."

Carlos sighed, hanging his head in a defeated manner. "Okay. Goodnight, James. Feel better."

"Thanks, Carlitos. Night."

Carlos shuffled his way past Logan, head still hung as he sniffled loudly, as if it would cause Logan to feel empathetic and give him more time with James. James laughed when Logan pretended not to acknowledge Carlos.

Carlos' pout deepened as he disappeared from view.

Logan glanced at James and smiled. "How you feeling?"

"Awesome."

"Yeah?"

"Nope."

"Like I said, get some sleep. You look like you can really use some. You might not feel great in the morning, but trust me, it'll help."

"I know. You've said that to me every time I've been sick for how many years?"

Logan smirked. "Apparently not enough, if you don't know to tell Carlos to scram for interfering with your _beauty sleep._"

James gasped in horror. "You're _right! _Thanks to Carlos, I'll be _flawed _for our return tomorrow!"

Logan rolled his eyes. "Oh boy. I need some sleep, too, if I'm going to have to deal with you freaking out over not looking your best for our return tomorrow when all you'll probably be doing is staying in bed all day."

"What? Why?"

Logan chortled. "Goodnight, James."

"Wait, Logan..."

Logan turned to face his friend again. "Yeah?"

James averted his eyes from Logan's. He inhaled deeply before speaking. "I...I am sorry about what I did-or, what I _didn't _do today. I know Carlos said not to be, but I know I should be. I feel like such an idiot."

Logan stepped further into the room. "James, please, don't stress about it. It's over with, and we know you won't do it again. And anyway, it's normal for you to feel that way. But for now, just stop thinking about it and get some rest. Okay?"

James yawned again before muttering "Okay. And Logan? ...Thanks."

"No problem. Don't hesitate to get me if you need anything. Got it?"

James nodded. "G't 't," he murmured, too tired to pronounce his syllables.

Logan did a quick glance-around to make sure James had everything he might need in the middle of the night. Tissues, two fresh bottles of water, an extra blanket, a bucket just in case... He was good to go. Logan just hoped James wouldn't need any of this stuff. It'd be great if he could just get through the night without waking up.

Logan grabbed the flashlight Carlos had forgotten. Before he turned it off, he sneaked one last peek at his sick friend and smiled once again. With a peaceful expression on his face, James was already fast asleep.

* * *

><p>James is going to counseling next chap. And you'll find out what happens with Griffin and the outcome of BTR since the incident. * Gasp! *<p> 


	23. Discussions

**A/N Oh. My. Goodness! Over 100 reviews! This is unBELIEVABLE! Thank you so, _so_ much to all of my lovely reviewers for keeping me motivated and just making my day for the past one a a half months! You're all stellar!**

**And especially thank you to CountryPeach05 and LinaRush for taking the time to R&R a crap load of chapters in a row! You're both marvelous, as are all my reviewers!**

**It was asked of me to include Jo and Camille in this story, and I realized, wow, I really have been limiting my characters, so the girls are here! Here ya go, LinaRush! :)**

Breakdown

Chapter 23: Discussions

"Oh, Mr. Bitters. I never thought I'd be so happy to see you!" Carlos hugged the man over the counter.

After nearly squeezing the life out of the hotel manager, Carlos backed up into the middle of the lobby and spun in circles, arms spread wide, palms up.

"It's so great to be back!"

Kendall and Logan grinned excitedly. As fun as the tour had been, six weeks on the road was long enough. It was nice knowing they'd be in the familiar comfort of the Palm Woods for the next while.

James would have been thrilled to be back had he not been to preoccupied with trying to ignore the pounding in his head. Of course, he was more than glad to be back. He'd been sick twice on the bus, and, blaming it on motion sickness, he couldn't wait to get off at long last and be on an unmoving surface, with room to actually walk around and _breathe. _The bus had been feeling pretty crammed since New Jersey.

Of course, James now knew how stupid he had been to think that any of his friends would fall for the motion-sickness thing. He was on unmoving ground, and he still felt like crap.

"James, c'mon."

James snapped back to reality and saw his friends, Mrs. Knight, and Katie heading for the elevator, Carlos apparently finished greeting everyone currently in the lobby.

The elevator _dinged _open, but just as they were all about the shuffle on, they heard a female voice screech "LOGAN!"

Logan whipped around to see Camille charging at him, smiling in a slightly deranged way.

His eyes were huge as he turned back to his friends. "Go on without me," he whispered dramatically. Everybody else hastily crammed into the elevator. The doors slid shut just as Camille bounded through the air and tackled Logan to the ground. The occupants of the elevator heard him shout before an awkward silence took over. It was instantly broken by Kendall and Carlos' snickering.

Suddenly Carlos cut his laughter off. He turned to Kendall, confusion written across his features. "How come you didn't get a flamboyant 'hello' from _your _girlfriend?"

Kendall laughed again. "Did you just use to word 'flamboyant' correctly? In context?"

Carlos rolled his eyes. "I swear I'm not as dumb as everyone thinks I am."

"Ah, you're not dumb at all, buddy. And to answer your question, Jo isn't like that."

"Why not?"

"Well, for one, she isn't crazy."

Mrs. Knight frowned disapprovingly at her son for basically calling Camille crazy, but before she could scold him, Carlos decided to get a jab in.

"I always thought she was. I mean, she's going out with you, isn't she?"

The elevator doors chose that moment to slide open, and Kendall used this opportunity to ram himself into Carlos, sending them both flying into the hallway.

Naturally, Mrs. Knight hustled after them, trying with vain to pull the two boys apart.

Katie looked like she was torn between joining them and just cheering them on.

James just sighed. Normally, he would have joined in, but right now his friends' shouting only made his head pound even harder. He didn't even want to think about how physically fighting would make him feel.

After a few moments, Mrs. Knight had managed to pry the two boys off of each other. They were laughing now, grinning at each other as if they hadn't just been arguing seconds before.

Katie rolled her eyes. It was so typical of them.

They headed down the hall to 2J. Mrs. Knight inserted the key into the keyhole and pushed the door open.

"Ah, it's so nice to be back," she sighed as she stepped into the room and dropped the suitcase she'd been carrying.

The boys and Katie mimicked her actions, letting the bags of luggage crash to the ground as they began to shrug their shoulders and wave their arms in circles.

"_Swirly!"_

The next thing anyone knew, Carlos was atop the swirly slide, grinning, as he dove head-first down the twisted yellow tube. He fell out the bottom and landed on his stomach. "Oh, swirly, I missed _you _the most."

Kendall chuckled and shook his head. Carlos was just such a _child, _and sometimes Kendall had to admit, he was a little jealous of that. He wished he could be so care-free all the time.

Kendall picked his suitcase back up and headed to his and Logan's room. He was eager to finish unpacking as quickly as possible so he could spend the rest of the day with Jo.

James, too, snatched up his luggage and wandered off to his and Carlos' room. All he wanted to do was unpack and then go lounge around by the pool, but he knew that wasn't going to be happening. Not with Logan and Mrs. Knight watching him like a hawk like they'd been doing since he'd gotten sick. There was no way they'd be letting him walk around much less go outside and be surrounded by people. No, James knew, it'd be bed and thermometers all day. When it came to illness, Logan and Mrs. Knight were an unstoppable force. It was scary, really.

James sighed as he dumped the contents of his suitcase onto his bed. He wasn't feeling up to unpacking. He couldn't stand for more than five minutes without getting dizzy. He seriously doubted that running around the apartment putting things back where they belonged was going to help him feel any better.

James decided to stall by going back into the kitchen and getting some aspirin. Maybe once his headache was gone, he wouldn't feel so disoriented.

James slowly shuffled into the kitchen. He was thankful to find it empty. He wasn't in the mood for Mrs. Knight to be feeling his forehead and forcing water on him and asking him how he felt every three seconds. Fortunately, she and everyone else were in their rooms unpacking.

James filled a glass with water and opened the medicine cabinet above the sink. But as soon as he had swung the cupboard door ajar, an unexpected wave of panic washed over him.

James gasped as he jerked his hand back from the knob. A chill ran up his spine, and his entire body shuddered. The last time he'd searched through this cupboard, he'd been about to...

James lowered his head into his hands and leaned his elbows on the counter. Memory flooded through him, causing him to shiver violently. He could hear his heart hammering wildly. His breath came out in short, ragged pants.

_Get a hold of yourself! You're not doing it again; you never will. You haven't had a panic attack every time you've taken your medication, so why now?_

James didn't have an answer. And he didn't care about being rational. It didn't matter that he was never going to do that to himself again. Opening that cupboard had triggered something, that horrible feeling of numbness, and now James could see himself, reaching up, shoving all the other medicine off the shelf, popping the stupid child proof cap off of the Lamotrigine, and swallowing pill after pill after pill... He envisioned himself walking down the hall to his room...then it all stopped. That was all he could remember from that night.

James barely restrained a sob. Were these visions, these fragments of memory, going to torment him for the entirety of his life?

James ran his shaky hands through his hair. He was nearly composed, and was about to straighten up and just grab the damn aspirin already, when he heard Logan's voice groaning from behind him.

"Girls. I'm telling you, James, I don't think I'll ever understand how you actually _like _getting so much attention from them. They're _crazy- _whoa, hey, are you okay?"

Logan moved closer to James, inspecting him as he walked forward. The taller boy had his head in his hands, and he was trembling harshly. Logan could hear him breathing deeply.

"James?" Logan cautiously lifted James' chin so that they were looking eye-to-eye. Logan's breath caught somewhere in his throat when his eyes met James'.

The hazel orbs were wide with an unspeakable fear.

"James, what..." Logan trailed off, his eyes drifting to the open medicine cabinet, and immediately he understood. He looked back at his distraught friend. "Oh, James..."

James only shook his head at Logan, motioning without words that he didn't want to be comforted.

Logan moved closer to him anyway, until his arm was wrapped firmly around James' shoulder.

"James, bud, you know can talk to me, to Kendall, Carlos, even Mrs. Knight, any time you want to. About anything you _need _to. You know that, right?"

James exhaled shakily and nodded, keeping his head lowered. "Trust me Logan, I _know _that. It's just...really hard to talk about these things. And no offense, but how much can you guys really help? You haven't...been through that."

Logan flashed back to his and Kendall's conversation the last night on the tour bus. So maybe Kendall didn't know _exactly _what James was feeling, but he could relate enough to help him, Logan was sure of it. He just _wasn't _sure that Kendall wanted to tell James everything he'd told Logan.

Logan realized that James was now staring intently at him.

"What?"

"You look terrible."

"You too."

James frowned.

"Do I even want to know what Camille did to you?"

Logan's right cheek was bright red, and a hand mark was just barely visible. His forehead was smeared with lipstick, only vaguely resembling the shape of lips. His raven-coloured hair was mussed to a horrifying degree; at least, to James it was.

Logan held back a chuckle. He didn't want James to think he wasn't being serious about this. "You trying to change the subject?"

James shook his head. "Logan...look, I'll talk about it when and _if _I want to. But for now, I just really want to be left alone. Okay?"

"James, we just want..."

_What's the point? _Logan asked himself, beginning to feel slightly frustrated. _Nothing we say seems to be getting through to him lately._ It wasn't that he was hurt that James wouldn't talk to them. He understood that these kind of things took time. He just wanted James to get that bottling everything up inside was only masking his problems, not solving them.

"Never mind. Just...please, if you want to talk, _don't _hesitate to do that."

James didn't spare Logan a glance as the smart boy wandered away down the hall to his and Kendall's room.

James momentarily forgot about the aspirin that he'd a moment ago so badly desired and he now leaned weakly against the counter, suddenly feeling drained of energy. He could hear murmuring down the hall, the hushed voices echoing from Logan and Kendall's room. Not hushed enough, apparently. James couldn't make out everything being said, but he definitely heard his name, and the words _help _and _professional _and _improvement. _

James closed his eyes and breathed in deeply through his nose, suddenly feeling sick again. They were talking about therapy. About _him _getting therapy.

He slowly opened his eyes. No. They weren't talking about that without him.

James gulped the pill down with a single quick swig of water and started down the hall.

He didn't even notice Jo standing in the open doorway to 2J.

* * *

><p>Logan poked his head into James and Carlos' room. Carlos, surprisingly, was actually in there, unpacking. Logan had not expected to see that.<p>

Logan shook his head to himself. _Not the point._

"Hey Carlos?" he called softly.

Carlos' head snapped up at the sound of his name, and he grinned at his friend in the doorway. "Logan! Great, just the guy I was looking for. You're smart; can you help me unpack?"

Logan frowned in distaste. He knew what his friend was trying to do. "You don't need to be smart to unpack- but, hey! Wanna take a break? I need to talk to you and Kendall about something."

Carlos was quick to ditch his duffel bags of clothing on his floor. He bounded out of the room after Logan, grateful for the interruption.

"What about James?" he questioned as he followed Logan across the hall into his and Kendall's room, where Kendall was busy unpacking as well. "Don't you have to talk to him, too?"

Kendall stopped hanging sweaters on hangers as he appraised Logan with an informed look. He knew what this was about.

Logan twitched uncomfortably under the intense gazes of his two friends. How should he start this?

"Well, Carlos, guys, uh...this is _about _James."

"What about him?"

"He..." Logan didn't know how to word it. What exactly was he even trying to say? It was obvious that James wasn't getting much better. He still blamed and hated himself for the overdose. He thought about it all the time. Logan knew that. He could see the changes in James since the day he'd been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Of course he would never be exactly the same, but Logan hadn't expected him to be this bad. That little breakdown in the kitchen moments ago? Not normal. Not _right._

Kendall could see that Logan wasn't going to be turning his thoughts into an explanation anytime soon, so he took over. He knew what Logan was thinking. It was the same thing he was thinking.

"Carlos, what Logan's trying to say is that we think James needs help."

Carlos' lips curved downwards, and his eyes exhibited confusion. "What do you mean, help? Like, help 'cause he's sick? I thought we were helping him."

"No, Carlos, not that kind of help. We are taking care of him that way. What I mean is...you remember when his mom was here, and she said she wanted to get him _professional _help?"

Carlos nodded, still not quite seeing where this was going. Did Kendall mean a doctor?

"Professional as in a counselor or a therapist."

"You mean like a mental doctor?"

Logan and Kendall exchange weary glances. How were they going to explain this to James when they couldn't even explain it to Carlos?

"Well, _sorta..."_

"When people have problems in their minds and nothing anybody says can make them feel better about themselves, they go to a counselor," Kendall tried to explain. "And James' problem is, well, you know, his disorder. And when he took too many pills and was in the hospital, that was partially because of his dis-"

"But I thought he was taking medicine for that," Carlos protested, feeling lost. He just didn't understand what all this meant. "Do you...do you mean that the medicine isn't curing him? It's only...treating him?"

Logan sighed. "Carlos, there is no cure for mental illnesses. And seeing someone about it won't make it go away. But it _could _and probably- hopefully- will help. And we want James to be as close to how he was before as possible."

Carlos nodded, quick to agree to that.

"So I think James' mom was right. James...it seems like he hasn't been showing much improvement. He's better than he was, yeah, but...I don't know, maybe it was just him skipping his meds...and I know he said he would never do that again, but we just can't be _sure, _you know? And if he does consider doing that again, that right there is even more reason for him to go to counseling. That kind of thing can't continue."

Kendall took a deep breath and took over for Logan again.

"I think it's safe to say that we all agree..." He looked seriously at Logan and Carlos. They lowered their eyes and nodded.

Kendall closed his eyes dejectedly. Then he said the dreaded words, that hung heavy in James' ears as he stood just outside the door, unbeknownst to the other boys.

"James is going to counseling."

* * *

><p>Kendall was smiling dreamily as he stared at the beautiful figure laying next to him. Just like he had planned, he'd finished unpacking quickly, eager to meet up with Jo. The moment he'd spotted her, waiting for him in the lobby as he'd exited the elevator, both teens had lit up joyfully. They'd embraced, kissed passionately, and now here they were half an hour later, laying on a blanket at the Palm Woods park.<p>

Kendall had already finished telling her about the tour, minus one small detail from the end. He wanted to think that even after six weeks apart, nothing had changed, and that they would act the exact same, but something _had _changed. Kendall wasn't sure if it was like they had just met for the first time, and things were awkward and uncomfortable between them. He didn't feel that way. Did Jo?

So, maybe Kendall was a little out of it. How could he not be, with what he and Logan and Carlos had talked about?

And now, of course, during the first time he'd spent with his girlfriend in six weeks, all Kendall could think about was how James would take it when they broke the news of their decision to him. Would he be glad, even relieved that they had brought it up? Had he been thinking that he should go, as well, but didn't want to say anything? Kendall doubted that.

So then, would he do everything he could to get them to change their minds? Kendall thought it was more likely that James _wouldn't _want to go.

"Kendall?"

Kendall opened his eyes, not even remembering closing them, and turned his head to look at Jo.

"Hmm?"

"Kendall, something's on your mind. You're not being...you. And for some reason, I have a feeling that it's the same thing that's bothering me."

Kendall sat up. He peered down at Jo. She couldn't possibly know. He and the other guys had told everyone at the Palm Woods that James had been taken to the hospital because he was really sick. Nobody outside of 2J knew the real reason. Save for, of course, Kelly and Gustavo.

So what was bugging Jo?

She seemed to sense Kendall's pondering, and she sighed, joining him in an upright position. "Kendall, I came over earlier, and Logan and James were talking about...well, I don't know exactly. The door was open to your apartment, so I decided just to go in, but Logan and James sounded kind of heated, and I didn't want to get in the middle of anything...All I heard was Logan telling James not to hesitate to talk. And James was saying that he just wanted to be left alone. And now, you're acting...I don't know, different. Edgy. And maybe it's none of my business, but I can't shake the feeling that something isn't right."  
>Jo stared deep into Kendall's eyes, as if she could find some hidden explanation in them. "Kendall...<em>is <em>something not right?"

Kendall stared into Jo's concerned eyes, and he felt his heart warm up. All she wanted was to make sure everyone was alright. She deserved the truth, didn't she? It wasn't like she would go around telling the entire Palm Woods. Heck, Kendall knew for a fact that she wouldn't tell anyone.

But still, it wasn't his place to tell anyone, trustworthy girlfriend or not, James' secret.

But her eyes, and her obvious worry, and her sweet innocence...

_Just imagine what this will do to James._

Kendall shook his head. Then he took Jo's hand in his as he started to talk.

* * *

><p>"Hey James?" Carlos knocked lightly on his and James' door. "You awake?"<p>

Carlos heard a weak "Come in" from the other side of the door, and he entered. He saw James sprawled out on his bed, staring at the ceiling, one hand laying limply by his side, the other curled around his abdomen. He didn't even turn his head to greet Carlos.

Carlos was surprised to see that all of James' bags were away. He must have unpacked fairly quickly, probably eager to just lay down for a while. Carlos didn't blame him, with how sick he was.

"Uh, Logan wanted me to make sure you're feeling okay."

James rolled over onto his side and stared at Carlos. "He did?"

"...Yeah." Why did James sound so surprised?

James rolled onto his back again and continued to stare at the ceiling. "You mean he didn't just assume that I am?"

Carlos was starting to get really baffled. Now James sounded almost...cynical.

"Of course he didn't, James. He doesn't know how you're feeling."

James scoffed, without humour. Carlos didn't like the sound. "He seems to think he does. You all do. You all seem to think that you know what's best for me, even if it's the last thing I want."

Carlos took a step back, closer to the door. James' sharp tone startled him. Why was he being so nasty?

"J-James, I don't know what you're-"

"You think I need counseling? Do you? !" James was shouting now, sitting up on the bed and glaring at Carlos. Carlos winced. He could practically _feel _the hostility emanating from his friend.

"Well, I don't! Surprise, Logan was wrong for once! He thinks I need some _shrink, _some _mental doctor _as you like to put it, to tell me how I'm supposed to feel and act? I'm _fine! _I've never needed one before, and I sure as hell don't need one now!"

Carlos was ashamed when tears started running down his face. He couldn't control them. He was ashamed that he was crying, ashamed that he had made James angry, but above all, he was ashamed that he thought it was okay to go behind James' back and practically make such a serious decision _for _him.

James' shouting brought Logan running into the room. He stopped short when he saw James, pale and furious-looking on his bed, glaring at Carlos, who was crying and trembling near the door.

"What did you _do? !_" Logan shrieked at James. He wrapped his arms around Carlos protectively. "Why is he crying? James, did you say something to him?"

But James didn't look the least bit guilty. "Yeah, I did say something to him! And I'm gonna say the same thing to you, and later to Kendall; stop trying to control me! Just because I'm crazy doesn't make it okay for you to-to..."

James couldn't finish whatever it was he was trying to say. Tears were suddenly streaming down his face. The sight of them fleeing James' sorrow-filled eyes was enough of a shock to stop Carlos' own tears. Why the hell was James crying?

Logan took a cautious step closer to his clearly distraught friend. He reached an arm out slowly, as if he was afraid that any sudden movement would cause James to snap.

"James," Logan murmured softly. "James, listen, buddy, please stop crying, I just want to talk to you."

"About w-what?" James hiccuped shakily. His sobs became gasps. He nearly choked on his tears as he suddenly found speaking a difficulty. "You want to talk about how all of y-you want me to get _help? 'Professional' _help?"

"James, it's for the best. I know you don't want to hear that," Logan added quickly, defensively. "But would you rather keep living like this, constantly on the verge of a breakdown? Or do you want to be how you were before? Happy?"

James' stricken face now displayed slight hurt. "I thought you said I'm the same as I always was," he said meekly.

Logan paused for a second, his mouth hanging open slightly, as he thought over what James meant, and he backtracked. "Right, you are, but James...you have to admit, even you can tell you're not acting the way you always have. But, if you go through with this counseling thing, you _will _be the sa- be...better. You won't have to feel so lost all the time. Isn't that what you want?"

The question was met by silence. James didn't have an immediate answer. Instead he studied the faces of Logan and Carlos. Both were chewing their lips at they stared at James with mixed expressions of expectancy and hopefulness.

Finally, after close to two minutes of utter silence, James reacted. He regarded his friends with tired-looking, bloodshot eyes and said "Yes. Yes, I want to be how I was before. Yes, you're right, I-I need help. And yes..." He paused, not for dramatic effect, but to ask himself one last time if he was sure. He was.

"Yes...I'll go to counseling."

* * *

><p>It was to none of the boy's surprise when Gustavo called early the next morning, demanding that they 'get their butts to the studio in half an hour unless they wanted those butts fired.'<p>

Kendall calmly explained to the producer that they wouldn't all be able to make it; James was still too sick.

It was much to Gustavo's chagrin, particularly because what had happened with James at the end of the tour was probably going to be a big part of today's discussion with Griffin; the discussion that would determine the fate of BTR. Griffin had said this tour was going to decide whether or not BTR could still make it in the business after their month-long hiatus due to James' overdose. It seemed to Gustavo that any downhill path the band stumbled upon was all thanks to James. Gustavo always knew he hated that dog the most.

In the end, though, after a too-long phone argument with Kendall, Gustavo had finally let up and told the others just to come in. Better three of them than none.

Now, as the boys were in Kelly's car on their way to Rocque Records, Kendall was coming clean to Logan and Carlos about his and Jo's conversation the previous night.

"_You told her?" _Logan screeched, disbelief coating his voice.

Carlos looked just as dumbfounded. Even _he _knew that was a horrible thing to do.

Kendall rolled his eyes. Did they seriously think he'd do that to his best friend? "No, I didn't. All I said to her was that it wasn't my place to say. I told her that it's personal and I promised somebody that I wouldn't tell anybody. I didn't even mention James' name."

"Oh...good." A heavy silence settled over the interior of the car. Nobody spoke for the remainder of the short drive.

They were in the studio five minutes later. The boys jittered about anxiously, their nerves getting the best of them as they awaited the arrival of the their usually punctual CEO.

Finally Carlos couldn't take the silence any longer.

"Why is Griffin late?" he blurted.

"He's not," Logan replied, shifting impatiently on the couch. "We just got here early because we didn't have to wait an hour for James to do his hair."

"Oh. Right." Carlos grinned at the feeling of being not on time, but early. But when he glanced over at Logan and Kendall to gauge their reactions to this exciting new feeling, he saw forlorn expressions contorting their faces at the mention of James. Carlos knew why. Like him, the other two were internally stressing the whole 'lets-send-our-friend-to-therapy-without-asking-him' thing.

He and Logan had relayed the main gist of their conversation/argument with James to Kendall the instant he'd stepped into 2J, returning from his date with Jo. He'd been immensely relieved that James had in the end agreed to go. Now all they had to do was make sure he didn't change his mind. It was on the way through the lobby to meet Kelly to take them to the studio that Kendall had told his two friends about what he had talked about with Jo.

Carlos snapped out of his thoughts and looked up to see Griffin entering the room.

"_Finally," _Carlos groaned, sitting up straight. He blushed when all eyes glared at him, and he chuckled sheepishly. He hadn't meant to speak out loud.

Griffin clapped his hands together suddenly, making everyone jump to attention.

"Well, now that I'm _finally _here," he began, eying Carlos, but his tone was light and joking. "I should inform you of my decision." Griffin paused dramatically, for no reason other than to amp up the suspense and annoy everyone else in the room who were so desperately trying to read his mind.

He appraised the other residents of the small room with a calm, knowing glance.

Meanwhile, they were all staring intensely at him with bulging eyes. They were leaning forward expectantly.

"WELL? !" all fives voices shouted in unison.

A slow grin crossed Griffin's face, and he opened his slightly upturned lips and began to speak.

* * *

><p>Augh! A cliffhanger? I don't know if I love them or hate them.<p>

So I lied. Last chapter I said you'd find out Griffin's decision AND James would go to counseling. Well, James agreed to go and Griffin is JUST ABOUT to to voice his decision, so...close enough.

Hah, um...yeah, I have no excuse for how long this took. Next Tuesday is my birthday and I'm hoping to get 2 chapters up as a gift to myself. I'll try really hard, but my schedule's been unusually hectic lately so I'm not making any promises, because, as you can tell, I don't seem to be too good at keeping those...

Oh, and once again, THANK YOU TO ALL OF MY LOVELY REVIEWERS! YOU'RE SPECTACUALR! And keep them coming!


	24. Counseling

**A/N Hope you're not busy, cause this is a _long _one.**

Breakdown

Chapter 24: Counseling

Jennifer Knight sighed, bouncing her legs anxiously. The nervous habit had never left her, and she still found herself squirming restlessly with her hands clasped tightly in her lap whenever she was unsure of something. And right now she definitely had no insight as to what Griffin was telling the boys possibly at that very moment.

Was he going to disregard what had happened? Was it no big deal?

Or was he furious, disgusted? Jennifer hadn't met Griffin many times, but according to the boys, and judging by what she'd seen of him those few times, he was pretty easy going. Fairly demanding, at times unreasonable, but never seeming to be in a sour mood. Jennifer could only hope, for the sake of her boys, that now was no exception.

"Hey Mom?" Jennifer turned to the sound of Katie's voice and found her daughter standing directly behind her with a troubled look on her face.

"What is it, Katie?"

"Do you think people will still want to buy BTR merchandise, such as t-shirts, mugs, and hats, even if Griffin tells them they're done today?"

Mrs. Knight gave her daughter an unimpressed look., raising a single eyebrow.

Of course, Katie saw nothing wrong with her inquiry. She raised her hands in a defensive gesture. "What? These weren't cheap to make. Even with all that I made on the tour, I've barely broken even!"

Jennifer just sighed. She was used to this.

Standing up, she ruffled her daughter's hair a bit. "Oh, my little pessimist. Griffin won't call it quits on them. He knows they can fight back. They just proved it to him three months ago."

Katie only shrugged, sighing softly as she held a Big Time Rush shirt out at arms length and inspected it.

Mrs. Knight decided to go check on James. It would get her mind off of the waiting game, plus she hadn't checked on him for an entire twenty minutes.

She padded quietly down the hall to his room and pushed open the already ajar door. She peeked in, struggling to see in the dim light. James had pulled the blinds down to prevent his headache from becoming aggravated. All Jennifer could make out was the shadowy form of James curled up somewhere beneath his covers.

Mrs. Knight tip-toed cautiously into the room and over to the bed. She peered down at the sleeping boy. She couldn't really see him in the near dark, but she could still feel in the dark, so she placed her hand on his forehead. Warm. Not surprising.

Mrs. Knight sighed. This boy had really been having it rough for the past while. When was it going to stop? He needed a break sometime; all of this stuff constantly going wrong was making him worse and worse. The poor kid needed something to go right for him for once.

James stirred then, shifting under the covers and opening his eyes. He blinked and squinted in the tiny amount of light at his visitor.

"Hey, Mrs. Knight."

"Hi, James. How are you feeling? Any better?"

"Yeah, I feel alr-"

At the mother figure's warning look, James swallowed and quickly back tracked his choice of words. There was no getting away with lying to Mrs. Knight. Why had he even tried?

"What I meant to say was, my head hurts a bit and my stomach still feels off...but that's it."

Then James contradicted himself by kicking at his covers with a frown on his pale face until the blanket slid off to the floor. He glanced shyly up at Mrs. Knight and chuckled weakly.

"Right, and I keep getting hot then cold, then hot again..."

"That's the fever," Mrs. Knight acknowledged with a nod. "I was just going to get you something for that. I'll get you something for your stomach too, while I'm at it."

Mrs. Knight left the room and went to the kitchen, rummaging through the medicine cabinet for some Tylenol and Gravol. She couldn't keep herself from sneaking a glance at the door every five seconds while she filled a glass with water. The other boys had been gone long enough; she needed to know what had happened!

Jennifer sighed and shook her head. Being impatient was only going to make the time seem to go by slower. She needed to focus on James right now.

On the way back to James' room, she stopped off in the bathroom and fetched the thermometer and wet a washcloth. She brought all the items into the room.

James, she saw, hadn't moved an inch since she'd left. The only difference was now he was shivering.

Mrs. Knight hurried over, depositing the items on his bedside table. She scooped the blanket up from the floor and draped it over him.

"Are you okay, sweetie?" she asked, voice laced with sympathy as she brushed a sweaty strand of hair from his heated forehead.

He shrugged. "I just got...really cold...but I was so hot a minute ago...and I didn't wanna reach and get the blanket...thought I was gonna get sick."

Mrs. Knight frowned. She really didn't like these intense hot and cold flashes. They were beginning to worry her.

She quickly grabbed the thermometer. She could see the sigh building up inside of James, the look of reluctance on his face. He hated having his temperature taken. But he opened his mouth anyway, knowing that all his friend's mother wanted was to make him feel better. Right then, he couldn't think of anything he wanted more, either.

Mrs. Knight slipped the device under the sick boy's tongue and positioned the damp cloth on his head. "Hopefully this will make you feel a little better," she told him.

His eyes drifted close. "Thanks," he murmured.

"You're welcome, sweetie. You said you thought you were going to be sick?"

James barely nodded.

"Still feel like it?"

"Mmm...not so much."

The thermometer beeped then, and she removed it from his mouth, saying "I got you something for your stomach anyway."

She frowned at the numbers displayed. 102.8.

Mrs. Knight twisted the lid off the bottle of Tylenol and handed one to James, passing him the water as well. He sat up, blinking as the room began to swirl before him.

He quickly swallowed down the Tylenol, then the Gravol, eager to lay back down.

He peered blearily up at Mrs. Knight. "No news?" he asked hoarsely, then broke into a coughing fit. Mrs. Knight gently rubbed his shoulder until he was done and had regained his breath.

"Nothing," she answered softly, wiping the cloth over his neck.

"Is your throat bothering you? Do you want something for that too?"

"No, it's not bad."

"Okay. I'll just let you rest. I'm sure the other boys will be back soon."

As she turned to leave, she was stopped short when she heard a weak "Doubtfully with good news."

She turned back to James. "Why would you say something like that?"

James stared at her, breathing slightly laboured.

"Because. I just...don't see how any good could possibly come out of what happened."

Mrs. Knight sighed and lowered herself onto the bed.

"Look, sweetie, we've been over this. Many times already. You need to stop being so negative. It's not good for you- for anyone."

"I know, I just..." James shifted uncomfortably, both arms moving to cradle his aching stomach. "I can't help it...I don't _want _to be so pessimistic all the time, about everything. But things haven't been going my way for a long time. How am I supposed to look on the bright side of things if I'm afraid of getting let down?"

"Oh, James, honey, you're not going to be let down. I know you've had a rough few months, but things are going to start looking up at some point. Why not now? I mean," she continued, inspirationally, "look at what's already happened to you boys. So much. But you always bounce back, and this time is no different. So have a little faith."

James just laid there for a minute, letting all of that sink in. The more he thought about it, the more he realized she was right. He _really _needed to stop with all the negativity. And hadn't his friends been telling him that all along?

Before James could allow himself to be lost in his musings, the door to 2J could be heard opening, and Katie came rushing into the room.

"It's the moment of truth!" she exclaimed, examining a Big Time Rush hat. "To see if I'll be making _any _profit on these or not."

She glanced up then at her mother when she cleared her throat in skepticism. Katie chortled meekly. "I mean...to see if Big Time Rush will be making any profit on...songs or not."

Mrs. Knight only shook her head. She was used to her daughter's greediness.

Soon the other three boys were in the room. The full attention of James, Katie, and Mrs. Knight was on them. But the boys' expressions were impossible to read. Their faces were literally blank. Nothing.

James knew that if any of them were to give something away, even if just with a glimmer in their eyes, it would be Carlos.

But when James studied his Latino friend's face, itching for some insight, the smaller boy just looked away, averting his eyes to the floor. But even with that action, he still masked whatever it was he was feeling inside.

All the same, James' stomach was doing flip-flops. He pressed his lips together tightly. So what if they weren't giving _anything _away? The didn't _look _upset or defeated, but the fact that they hadn't entered the apartment singing and screaming and jumping around was enough for James. It was bad news. He just knew it.

_Wow, great progress I'm making with the whole no more pessimism thing, _he thought dryly. _It's been a whole minute and a half and I'm already looking at the worst possibility of this situation._

"Guys?" Katie spoke up. "Come on, just tell us. The suspense is _killing me!"_

Carlos looked to Logan, who looked to Kendall. The blonde gave them both a single, firm nod before turning to the three who were out of the loop. Their faces and body language screamed anticipation.

Finally, face still void of emotion, Kendall began to relay the events that had occurred at Rocque Records just fifteen minutes ago.

* * *

><p><em>Rocque Records, fifteen minutes earlier<em>

"Well boys, Gustavo, when I first told you about the tour, it was good news. And now..."

The boys, Gustavo, and Kelly were still holding their breath. Could Griffin just get on with it already? !The whole dragging things out thing was nearly enough to drive them insane.

"It's still good news."

Five sighs of relief sounded as everyone released the air from their burning lungs.

"Big Time Rush sold out in every city. Now _that _is impressive. The fan response was huge. As you know, we were selling your new album at all the venues. Over fifty thousand copies were sold on the tour alone, and several more thousand orders have been placed for the album." Griffin allowed his sly little smile to break out into a full-on grin. "Daddy's going to be making a lot of dough on you boys.

"And even though I personally make no profit off of it whatsoever, I feel compelled to tell you that Katie made over a good eight thousand dollars with her BTR merchandise sales."

Kendall beamed proudly.

Griffin spread his hands out in a pleased gesture. "Big Time Rush is back."

The cramped room was filled with shouts of joy, as Kelly and Gustavo screamed and hugged, and Kendall, Logan, and Carlos high-fived at once and slapped each other on the back, cheering and fist-pumping and doing a little celebratory dance and just about every other happy I-just-received-the-best-news-ever motion they could think of.

It was Logan who quieted down abruptly. He looked back at Griffin who stood there still grinning.

Logan really didn't want to dampen the mood, but there was something Griffin hadn't mentioned, something that Logan _had _to know...

"But what about...that thing that happened at the very end of New Jersey, you know, with James and..." Logan mimed a gagging motion.

Carlos and Kendall stopped their happy dance and glared at him sharply. What was he _thinking? ! Why the hell would he bring that up? !_

Griffin nodded. "Ah, yes. The New Jersey incident. I'd say your friend was very lucky."

There was dead silence for a moment, the room literally noiseless, before five very confused voices demanded as one: "_What?_"

"If it had happened anywhere else on the tour, I may not have been so generous with my decision about the band. But the people of New Jersey _love _drama like that! Why do you think Jersey Shore is so popular?"

Kendall, Logan, and Carlos shared looks of bemusement for Kendall uttered incredulously "So you're saying that _Jersey. Shore. _Saved Big Time Rush's career?"

"Precisely that _and _you boys smashed the entire tour right out of the park. I couldn't ignore that."

Kendall shook his head. "Jersey Shore saved our career," he repeated dully. His mouth hung open for a moment, before he could finally close it, and, voice filled with wonder and awe, he muttered, "Now_ there _are some words I never in a million years would have imagined coming from my mouth."

* * *

><p>"Jersey Shore?" James cried in disbelief. "So Griffin pretty much implied that because a show where people fight over <em>really <em>stupid things is such a big hit and takes place in Jersey, it's okay that I ruined the tour?"

His three friends laughed. "First of all, you _didn't ruin the tour,_" Logan reminded him. "And it wasn't _just _the Jersey Shore thing. Although that was pretty funny."

Kendall and Carlos nodded enthusiastically.

"But he said we smashed the entire tour out of the park. That's a really amazing thing."

"I still can't...we're _back. _We're not a lost cause." James shook his head slowly, the reality of it still not sinking all the way in.

Meanwhile, Katie was kissing the money she'd made from sales on the tour and saying how she was going to double it within a month. Mrs. Knight was hugging her son.

"Oh, you boys," she was babbling. "You make me more and more proud every day."

The room was filled with such joy and spirit that anyone who walked into 2J then would be able to feel it.

However, all cheerfulness evaporated when James suddenly bolted upright, flung the covers from his body, and sped from the room in the blink of an eye, one hand pressed over his mouth.

Nobody even had time to react. One second they were laughing with relief, and the next, they were racing to the bathroom after James.

The door was closed when they got there, but the unmistakable sound of gagging sounded from the other side.

Mrs. Knight rubbed her hands over her face. "Well, there goes the Gravol. Big help that was." She sighed as they listened to James retch again. "I should probably go to the store and pick up some gingerale, and more medicine" she added, then glanced at the bathroom door. "Soon."  
>"Mom." Kendall gave his mother a gentle nudge toward the door. "We got this. Go ahead."<p>

Mrs. Knight frowned, hesitating. It wasn't like she didn't trust the boys. She just didn't feel right leaving James when he was this sick, even if he had his friends right there with him. It wasn't the motherly thing to do.

"No, no. I'll go after."

Kendall gave his mother a dubious look. "_Mom_. It's fine. Really. Just go."

His mother sighed once more. She looked at the other two boys. They were nodding.

"Oh, alright. Katie, come on. But call me if you need anything, or if it becomes too much for you three to handle."

"Got it, Mom," Kendall sing-songed as he pushed and Katie dragged their mother out the door.

"Oh, and don't smother him! It'll make him uncomfortable!" she added just as Kendall shut the door in her face.

"Yeah, that's not why I made you leave," he mumbled to himself, chuckling, as he turned back to his two healthy friends.

"Alright, who wants to play mother hen?"

Carlos stuck his hand in the air. "Ooh, ooh, I do!" He would love to make his best friend feel better.

Logan raised an eyebrow at Kendall. Kendall got the message. Carlos taking care of a sick person? He was super caring and everything, but TLC wasn't exactly the cure for the flu.

"Uh, maybe we should all pitch in," Kendall suggested. Logan nodded hastily.

Carlos didn't seem to mind, though. In fact, all of them taking care of James seemed like a great idea! He smiled his bright, contagious smile. "Lets do this!" he exclaimed heartily.

Logan and Kendall just laughed at the enthusiasm of their friend and followed him back to the bathroom.

The nasty puking sounds had ceased, so Carlos rapped on the door lightly. "Hey, James? Can we come in now?"

The toilet flushed, and then they heard a soft "Yeah." Carlos pushed the door open and entered. "Wow, you look like crap!"

Logan and Kendall peeked around from behind Carlos to see just how bad James really looked.

Unlike James and Carlos' room, it was light and they could actually see. Now that they could, they saw what Carlos was talking about, and he was _right._

James did look awful, worse than he had right after they'd dragged him offstage in New Jersey. Worse than he'd looked the entire time they'd been back. Almost as bad as he had when they'd found him...dead.

His brown tresses were lacking their normal shine. They were sticking up wildly in all directions, his bangs matted to his forehead with the sheen of sweat that dampened his face.

He was laying flat on his back on the floor beside the toilet, breathing heavily. He swiped at his ashen face with one hand and clutched his stomach with the other. He rolled his eyes up to look at his friends, a frown forming across his overall sick-looking features at Carlos' comment, but he didn't have the energy to make a retort.

Logan was a little more sensitive. "You alright now bud?" he asked as he knelt down beside his friend. James stared up at him. "Yeah, I guess I feel a little better now," he replied weakly.

"You want to get back to bed? Or do you still feel sick?"

James considered. He didn't feel quite as nauseous anymore, now that he didn't have anything left in his stomach. He figured bed would be best.

"I definitely wanna get back to bed."

"Alright, buddy, but take it easy, okay?" The three friends eased James into an upright position. "Nice and slow..."

James let out a rush of air as he stood, feeling a little shaky.

"You good?" Kendall asked, holding James tighter as he got a bit wobbly.

"Mm hmm," James murmured back. He didn't feel like talking. All he wanted right then was to lay down in his bed and go to sleep for a month.

"Okay, come on buddy."

The healthy boys led James through the kitchen, down the hall and back to his room. He flopped tiredly onto his bed and stretched out, closing his eyes. He could feel sleep creeping up on him quickly.

"Just get some sleep, James," he heard Logan's soothing voice instruct.

"Oh, I'm on it," James yawned, causing his friends to laugh lightly.

James forced open his heavy lids and peered up at his friends. "Guys?"

"Yeah, buddy?"

James closed his eyes again, a small smile making its way onto his lips. Right before sleep took over, he muttered out "Thanks. For everything."

The last few thoughts that crossed James' mind were ones of how lucky they'd gotten today, and about how Mrs. Knight had, of course, been right. Things were looking up. At least, in the band department. This stupid sickness had knocked him flat on his butt, but it wouldn't last forever.

He was getting help soon. James was still unsure about that. Was it a good thing or not? He was far too exhausted to think about it. Something to look forward to or not, he was going.

And James' very last thought before he succumbed to to sweet bliss of sleep as he heard the other guys leaving the room; _I definitely have the best friends a guy could ask for._

* * *

><p>A week passed, and James would be lying if he said it wasn't the longest one of his life. It wasn't until the day of his first counseling session that he woke up without a slamming headache and the immediate urge to puke.<p>

_Thank you, _he mouthed silently to the ceiling. It was about freaking time.

James rolled out of bed and reflexively tensed, bracing himself for the terrible vertigo that had plagued him for the past six mornings. To his immense relief, it didn't come.

Smiling a bit for the first time all week, James snatched up his pillow and launched it across the room at a sleeping Carlos.

The dark-haired boy jerked out of his slumber with a "Dude, get you own corndogs!" Then he looked at James with a dazed expression before he was fully awake and aware of what what happening.

"Oh...what did you do that for?" He tried to glower at his friend, but he didn't look too intimidating mid-yawn.

James grinned at his tired friend. "You woke me up every morning when I was sick and this morning I actually got up before you. Of course I'm going to take advantage of that."

Carlos shook his head and chucked the pillow back, eying James closely. "You look better," he remarked happily, glad to see his friend up and throwing things around and not up for once.

James nodded. "I feel a lot better, too...at least until I think about what's going to happen today." He twisted his features into a look of distaste and shuddered.

Carlos climbed out of bed and patted his friend on the shoulder sympathetically. "It won't be that bad," he insisted, trying to sound reassuring. "Maybe you'll like it."

James gave his friend a dirty look before leaving the room.

Carlos sighed. He'd just been trying to lift James' spirits.

He followed James into the kitchen. Logan was seated at the bar, munching on a toaster strudel, a fat book, probably something medical related, propped open in front of him. He glanced up when his friends appeared.

"Morning guys," he greeted cheerfully, then inspected James the way Carlos had moments earlier. "Wow. I'm not used to seeing you without your head in the toilet first thing in the morning," he joked.

James rolled his eyes. "Well hopefully that won't be happening again for a _long_ time. Preferably never."

Logan chuckled. "So you're feeling better?"

"Much."

"That's great." Logan paused, and James knew what was coming next. "So, you...feeling alright about today?"

James shrugged. "Whether I am or not, I don't have much of a choice."

Logan frowned with empathy. "I know this is hard for you, buddy. It's not something you're used to...but it'll help you, and we all know that's what you really want the most right now. It's what we want, too."

James nodded. "I know, Logan. I _need _this. You helped me to see that." He sucked in a deep breath. "Besides, I'm not _that _worried about it."

Logan smiled. "Well, good. And if it doesn't go great, just remember that's it's only your first day. I doubt you'll get real deep today. Probably just talk about how you're feeling, you know, mentally."

"Can't wait." James sighed as he glanced at Logan's half-eaten toaster strudel. James felt his stomach growl. He knew he was hungry, he'd barely eaten in six days, but he wasn't sure how much his stomach could handle. Just because he didn't feel nauseous right then didn't mean his body couldn't pull a surprise yak attack on him.

So James settled for plain toast.

Kendall came into the kitchen, stretching his arms high above his head. His eyes bugged out and he forgot to lower his arms. "Whoa, James is alive? !" he cried teasingly. "And eating? I thought food was a vile, evil creation."

James rolled his eyes. "Good morning to you, too."

Kendall laughed and ruffled James' hair as he passed by him, earning a foreseen shriek from the pretty boy as his hands shot up to smooth down his precious locks.

"Kendall!"

"What? It's not like you've done anything with it yet..." He narrowed his eyes, feigning horror. "Or have you?"

James groaned. "Shut up. You know I have to spend the next hour doing it. The one thing I'm looking forward to today is the chance of meeting a hot doctor. Man, hot girl doctors are _hot!"_

His three friends only shook their heads at him. So typical. But at least they knew he really was feeling better.

"James, you already know Dr. Clark is a man," Logan reminded him. They'd scheduled the appointment and gotten all the information three days ago. Dr. Clark was fairly new, and he didn't have too many patients yet. He was able to fit James in no problem. James was to go see Dr. Clark at the LA Self Healing Centre every Tuesday and Thursday from ten a.m till eleven. It conflicted with their rehearsal schedule, but Gustavo had seemed to lighten up on the boys ever since the tour, and he agreed that James really needed this help. Besides, he'd only be missing an hour of practice twice a week. Gustavo _supposed _he could work with that.

"I know," James responded. "That doesn't mean there won't be _any _hot young chicks working there or getting help there." He waggled his eyebrows. "And how could any girl resist a vulnerable James Diamond?" He pursed his lips and wiggled his fingers in front of his face.

Logan scoffed, while Kendall and Carlos failed to contain their laughter. They were all glad he had managed to pin point a bright side to this whole thing.

"You really are your own person," Kendall said as he pulled his waffle from the toaster.

"That's one of the things you love about me."

This time, Logan laughed. He draped an arm around his friend's shoulder. "One of many, buddy. One of many."

* * *

><p>An hour and a half later, James deemed himself presentable. He was still a little pasty from lack of sun, due to being confined to the apartment all week.<p>

Other than that, he looked a hell of a lot better than he had just yesterday. James smiled at his reflection. Yup, things were definitely starting to look up. Slowly, but surely.

"James, let's go, you don't want to be late for your first therapy session!"

James finally made his way out of the bathroom. He saw Mrs. Knight standing by the door, waiting to take him to the health centre. The other boys were at rehearsals, and Katie was at the pool. Since it was his first day of counseling, Gustavo had very unexpectedly decided to let him go straight back to the Palm Woods and not come to Rocque Records after. But starting the following week, James would meet the guys at rehearsals when he was finished. Gustavo had been being unusually generous lately. Maybe he'd finally gotten that the dogs' health came before anything else.

"You okay?" Mrs. Knight asked as she and James got into the mini van. He looked fine; she was just making sure.

James nodded. "Yeah, I'm not as worried about it as I was at first."

"That's good, sweetie. Remember, you have no reason to be nervous. It may seem like the doctor is trying to invade your privacy, but he's just doing his job, and that is to help you feel better about yourself."

"I know, Mrs. Knight. I...I'm glad I'm doing this."

Mrs. Knight reached over and squeezed James' hand. "Us, too."

When they arrived at the Self Healing Centre, Mrs. Knight began filling out some paper work while James took a seat in the waiting area. He tapped one foot against the black and white marble floor and let his eyes drift around, taking it all in.

The centre was fairly large. James had driven past it a few times, but he had never given it much thought. To him it used to be just another building in Hollywood where people went when they lacked mental stability. But now, it was a place James was going to be used to going.

The waiting area was big, with dozens of chairs attached to the walls, and even a couple of couches off to the side. Nobody sat on them, but many of the chairs were occupied.

There were two halls branching off from either side of the waiting room, one going left, the other right. James could see down the right hall. He noticed several doors. Probably the offices where people got their therapy.

Mrs. Knight came back, finished with the forms, and sat next to James. "I'll wait with you until Dr. Clark is ready to see you," she told him. He nodded, relaxing with her by his side. His nerves were staring to kick up now. He felt a little uneasy, but he forced the feeling aside and reminded himself that this was a good thing.

It didn't take long, only about seven minutes, until a man appearing to be in his mid-thirties, with neatly parted blonde hair and a huge smile, walked out from down the hall and glanced at a clipboard in his hand.

"James Diamond?" he called.

James felt his breath quicken, his stomach doing flips as sweat popped out on his clammy hands. Mrs. Knight rubbed his arm. "It's okay, hun."

James stood on shaky legs, and the doctor turned to him, smiling brightly.

"Hello, James. I'm Dr. Clark, your counselor. If you would come with me, please."

James turned to Mrs. Knight. She gave him a reassuring smile. "I'll be here to pick you up in an hour," she promised. He nodded, then turned away from her and followed Dr. Clark down the hall to the right.

Dr. Clark led James to the third door on the left, room 5. He opened the door and let James go in first.

"This is my office, where we'll be spending all of our time. Please, have a seat wherever you'd like."

James sat on the only chair other than the big puffy one that was obviously the doctor's. The room was painted a bright blue/grey colour, and the big window behind the doctor's desk had white lace curtains, kind of feminine, but James guessed it was to let the beautiful LA sunshine in. It gave the spacey room a happy quality.

Dr. Clark sat across from James in his big, professional looking chair.

"So how are you doing today, James?"

Dr. Clark smiled at the teen in front of him, and his friendly tone instantly had James relaxed. Though James had literally just met the man, he knew he already liked him. Somehow Dr. Clark had managed to make James feel completely comfortable in just two short minutes.

"I'm doing good, thanks," James replied, returning the smile. "And yourself?" he asked politely.

"I am quite well, thank you."

Dr. Clark picked up his clipboard and flipped a page over. "I see you are suffering from bipolar disorder."

James nodded. Was he supposed to say something?

"You were diagnosed approximately three and a half months ago...Hmm. A few days after you were diagnosed, you suffered from an overdose and were in a comatose state for a little over three weeks."

James would have expected to feel embarrassed about that being brought up, but Dr. Clark didn't sound judgmental at all. Well, of course he didn't, it was his job to listen and not to be biased. James was really starting to like this guy.

"Yeah. The medication wasn't in full effect yet and my friends and I had a huge fight, and it was my fault because I did something really douchey, and..." James trailed off. Dr. Clark knew where he was going with this.

Dr. Clark nodded. "I see. And may I ask what the argument was about?"

Much to his own surprise, James held nothing back. He told the doctor everything, about the band breaking up, about almost stabbing his friends in the back, his friends discovering it and calling him out on it, the overdose, the aftermath, everything. The only thing he left out was the secrets thing. This man was super nice, but he didn't need to know about Kendall's depression. It was irrelevant.

James talked for forty-five minutes while Dr. Clark just nodded patiently, occasionally scribbling things down on his note pad, listening intently all the while.

After forty-five minutes, James finally finished spewing his life from the past four months, and Dr. Clark was nodding some more.

"It seems that you have quite a lot on your plate at the moment, and you have for a pretty long time."

James nodded. "That's exactly how I feel. Overwhelmed."

"This is very common for someone in your position. Young, just a teenager, going about an average life one day, flying out to Los Angeles the next. That's a lot of pressure."

James nodded again.

"And how are you feeling about everything now that you're on your medication and things are going back to the way they were before you were diagnosed?"

James considered. It was a good question, one that got him thinking. "Well," he started after a moment, "I've been doing a lot better. That one day when I skipped my meds, I felt horrible. I was grumpy all day, and it took a while for me to forgive myself for doing something so stupid. But now I'd say I'm a lot better than I've been for the past few months."

"That's great to hear, James. And counseling is going to improve your esteem significantly. I'm glad you decided to come, and I'm very pleased that you felt comfortable sharing all of that information with me. I know it can be hard. I have some patients that have been seeing me for years who are still a little ill at ease with this whole thing, but you opened right up, and that makes me confident in your ability to trust me."

James smiled. "I just want to do everything I can to get better. I promised myself and my friends that I would."

"And a motivator like that is only going to increase your desire to keep coming." Dr. Clark moved to his feet, placing his clipboard down on his desk. "Well James, I'm afraid that's all we have time for today. Great job today, James, especially for your first time."

"Wait- that's it?"

Dr. Clark nodded. "We were just getting the basics today, dipping a toe in the water, you could say. I wanted to see how comfortable you were with all of this. I know it's new to you, and you did a fine job, considering. I also wanted to make sure you knew where the root of your condition was, and you do. Next session we'll begin discussing different strategies you can use to prevent yourself from causing yourself any harm, physical or mental, whenever you're feeling down."

"You mean like a distraction?" James asked dryly. That sounded like a temporary solution, something that wouldn't be one hundred percent effective.

Dr. Clark smiled. "Something like that." He stood up, extending his hand toward James'. James returned the handshake.

"Again, nice job today, James. I really hope this counseling will help you."

"Thanks, Dr. Clark."

"Have a good afternoon, James."

"Yeah. You too."

James left the office, feeling pretty good. It had gone a lot better than he'd thought. He had expected to feel unable to talk, to feel exposed. But Dr. Clark really knew what he was doing.

James smiled to himself as he walked outside to see if Mrs. Knight was there yet. _Yup, _he thought with a contended sigh as he glanced up at the cloudless blue sky. _Things really are looking up, after all._

* * *

><p>Anyone else not understand why the bathroom is right by the kitchen in the show? It's weird...<p>

So who else spent all week voting for BTR as Breakthrough Band of 2011? This girl did! And who else is more pissed than they've ever been that they DIDN'T FRIKEN WIN? ! ! This girl is! ! !

So, once again, I lied. The whole double update on my birthday thing isn't going to happen. I didn't want to wait four days to post this. Oh well. From now on, NO hints as to when updates are coming, because I never meet my goals! Ugh, failure.

Okay, okay, I will say this. I got big plans for next chapter... Any guesses?

"But you always bounce back, *_and this time is no different*_..." Oh, you _know _I had to put some lyrics in here somewhere. ;)


	25. Terrified

**Ahh, finally, a shorter chapter. All those long ones in a row were killing me!**

**Definitely the most intense chapter, in my opinion. Hooray for crazy twisty chapters! And hooray for posting your fave chap so far on your seventeenth birthday even though you finished it two days before but wanted to wait till your b-day to post cause that's awesome and you knew there was no way you'd get another one done by then! :D**

**Enjoy, guys!**

Breakdown

Chapter 25: Terrified

Gustavo shot Kelly a look of pure shock. She raised a knowing eyebrow at him, smirking. Eyes still wide but brows narrowed in disbelief, Gustavo turned back to the dogs in the recording booth, oblivious to the fact that his mouth remained agape.

Could it be? Were his ears deceiving him?

"_Your boy-boy-b-b-boyfriend..."_

The four harmonizing voices faded, and the boys pulled off their headphones and looked through the glass at Gustavo.

He shook his head, snapping out of his dazed stupor, and stared back at the boys, nearly speechless.

"Dogs, that was...you were...flawless?"

Gustavo let out a pained shout when the control booth was filled with the ear piercing screeching of the four boys cheering excitedly.

Kelly smiled as she watched their mini-celebration. It looked like they had finally caught a break. Boyfriendwas their new song, and they had nailed it on the first go. This had never happened before. It was no wonder Gustavo was still literally frozen with incredulity.

"Boys, that was awesome!" Kelly cried into the microphone.

The four band members filed out of the recording booth, still high-fiving. "Thank you Kelly, _Gustavo."_

"Huh? Wha-" The stocky producer snapped out of his haze. "How did you do that?"

The boys grinned cheekily. "We're just all in a good mood today, I guess," Kendall replied. "Everything's been going well for the past week," Logan added. "Spirits are high. We all perform better when we're feeling this great."

"Well, great...good..." Gustavo trailed off awkwardly, not sure what to do or say. The boys never perfected a new song on the first try. Heck, it usually took them around ten attempts. This was new, and Gustavo had no idea what to do with the dogs now. He'd expected to be in the studio for at least two more hours with them working on the song. Now though, he had nothing else planned.

The bewildered producer turned to his assistant, looking for, well, assistance.

"Oh, just give them the rest of the day off."

Gustavo laughed humourlessly. "I'm sorry Kelly, did you say to give the dogs the rest of the _day off?_ Aha. AHAHA!"

"...And they're gone."

Gustavo stopped laughing and whipped his head around. "WHAT? !"

The four boys ran down the hall and outside. "Freedom!" Carlos shouted to the sky, bounding away from Rocque Records. His laughing friends followed.

They walked all the way back to the Palm Woods, not wanting to waste an absolutely glorious day. The sun was beating down on them, absorbing in the black asphalt and making them hotter than they wanted to be.

"Pool when we get back!" Carlos exclaimed when they rounded the final corner and the grand hotel came into view.

"Oh, for sure!"

They hurried back to the hotel, eager to jump into the cool, clear water that they knew awaited them and cool off.

Upon arriving at the hotel, the boys dashed upstairs to 2J, changed into their swim shorts, and booked it back down the stairs and outside to the pool, having no patience for the elevator. They were glad Mrs. Knight and Katie were gone out, so they didn't have to waste precious pool time explaining to them why they were done two hours early.

"Cannonball!" Carlos bellowed, and he ran straight toward the pool, leaped into the air, tucked his knees to his body, and splashed down. Water sprayed upward and rained down on anyone sitting near the edge of the pool. Some people cried out in anger, but most just lay there and let the cool water make contact with their hot skin. It was absolutely _sweltering _today.

Kendall, Logan, and James laughed and joined their rambunctious friend in the refreshing water.

They dove under the water and surfaced laughing. They'd missed this. It had been way too long since the four of them had just hung out at the pool, having a good time. It was nice to know they could still do this. Maybe things hadn't changed as much as they'd thought.

The boys swam around for a while, thoroughly enjoying the chatter of the other residents surrounding them. It reminded them of how carefree they used to be. They loved knowing they could still be that way.

After about an hour in the pool, just floating around and hitting a beach ball back and forth with some other Palm Woods friends, the boys hopped out of the pool and reclined in some beach chairs that lined the pool. They didn't even bother with towels. The sun radiated down onto them, drying them almost instantly.

"Man, it has been _way _too long since we just kicked back and relaxed," Carlos mentioned, placing his hand behind his head and leaning back into the chair.

"Mm hmm," Logan murmured, closing his eyes, the warmth of the sun making him drowsy. "This is nice."

The boys fell silent then, and despite the noise from the other Palm Woods residents, the boys slowly drifted off, the hot sun beating down on them and heating them up, making them feel sleepy and at ease.

Just as the noise of the shouts and splashes were staring to fade, Kendall's phone started blaring Famous. All four boys' eyes opened, and they groaned simultaneously.

"Ugh, seriously, Kendall?"

Kendall scowled at his friends as he plucked his phone up from the little table between him and Carlos. "Oh, cause it's my fault!"

He glanced at the caller ID and saw that it was his mom calling.

He pressed the little green phone icon and held the phone up to his ear. "Hey, Mom. What's up?"

The other three couldn't hear what Mrs. Knight was saying on the other end of the line, but judging by the crinkle of Kendall's brow and the way he scrunched up his face while his lips turned slight downwards told them it wasn't something he wanted to hear.

"Aw, Mom, do I have to do it right _now?..._But...fine, I'll be right up."

Kendall sighed heavily as he hung up.

"What's going on?" Logan wanted to know.

Kendall groaned and rolled his eyes. "My mom bought a shirt for me and apparently me trying it on _can't _wait." He shook his head as he stood up. "Moms. I'll never quite understand them. I'll catch up with you guys later."

"See ya."

Logan stretched his arms above his head and yawned. "I think I'm gonna head up, too," he told his two remaining friends. "I'm going to a solar system exhibition of Venus in a couple days and I want to do some reading up on it first. You guys staying out here?"

James and Carlos stared at Logan blankly, not answering.

Logan blinked, confused as to why they were staring at him like that. Had he said something wrong?

"Uh, guys? Can you stop looking at me like that? It's freaking me out."

"You're going to _study _to see an exhibit?" Carlos cried incredulously.

Logan shrugged. "Yeah, why not?"

Carlos turned slowly to James. The two boys stared at each other for a moment in complete silence. Then they were overcome with laughter.

"Guys, it isn't funny!" Logan protested. His words fell unheard to James and Carlos as they kept laughing. Logan shook his head. "Whatever, guys. I don't need this."

He heatedly turned and left the pool, the wild laughter of his friends seeming to take far too long to die on his ears.

The boys calmed down and waited until they got their breath back. Then Carlos turned to James and said "I think I will head up actually. I'm starving. You coming?"

James didn't even need a second to consider. He shook his head. "No way. It's prime sun tanning time, and I haven't been outside for a prolonged period of time in weeks. _Weeks! _Look at me. I look like Logan!"

James held one arm up beside Carlos'. The contrast was fairly significant. Both boys had always been tanned, but Carlos' bronze colour was natural, while James' was due to hours upon hours of laying around in the sun. Now that he hadn't done so for quite a while, he did look somewhat pasty, especially compared to Carlos.

James looked utterly horrified. It was going to take him _days _to get his glowing colour back!

Carlos didn't say anything. He knew it was best to not question James on anything appearance-related. First the boy would bitch you out for asking, and then you would spend the next three hours being yelled at for not understanding the importance of having five different types of hairspray to be used depending on various weather conditions. Carlos was starving, and he didn't want to be lectured for the rest of the day in front of his Palm Woods friends, so he shrugged and walked away without a word.

James leaned further back into his chair and slipped his black sunglasses over his closed eyes. He just felt so _great _for once. It was a feeling he never wanted to let go.

"Hey, James."

James opened his eyes at the familiar voice. Jo stood over him, smiling down at him brightly.

James sat up straighter and pushed his sunglasses onto his head, returning the smile.

"Hey, Jo. What's up?"

"Nothing. Just got back from set. I was going to hang out with Kendall for a bit but he texted me saying his mom is making him try on a shirt or something."

James laughed. "Yeah. And it wasn't like he could have said no, it's his _mom. _Seriously, girls, you're just so-"

He cut off, blushing at the dirty stare he was receiving from Jo. He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Right. Anyway..."

"Can I ask you something?" Jo blurted out abruptly, angry look suddenly gone. She glanced pointedly at the vacant chair next to James.

James was a little taken aback at her rushed tone, but he nodded anyway. "Uh, yeah, sure...have a seat."

"Thanks..." Jo sat next to James and kept her gaze steadily away from his while she chewed on her lower lip uneasily.

"Were you not planning on asking me now, or?..."

Jo snapped out of whatever sort of trance she'd been in and looked up into James' awaiting eyes.

"First let me just say I wasn't eavesdropping... The door was open and I heard the end of a conversation between you and Logan. This was a little over two weeks ago..." Jo inhaled shakily and pressed on. "He was saying to you how you shouldn't hesitate to ask for help, and you were saying how you wanted to be left alone, and you guys seemed pretty intense. I asked Kendall about it later that day. All he said was that he promised somebody that he wouldn't say anything. He didn't say your name, or anyone else's, but I knew that promise must have been to you, and...I don't want to seem like I'm trying to get in your business or invade your mind or personal life or anything like that but... James, you're my friend and I worry. At first I wasn't going to say anything, but you've been acting...differently, for a while now, and I'm not the only one who's noticed. I just...I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, but Camille and Guitar Dude and some other people have been saying that you haven't been yourself lately, and I just want to make sure everything is okay."

James went rigid. He didn't have a ready answer. How was he supposed to prepare for something like this? He hadn't exactly expected Jo, or anyone for that matter, to say anything about how he'd been acting.

"Plus there was the whole thing with you getting really sick and going to the hospital a couple months ago..." Jo trailed off, looking at James sadly. "I'm sorry, James. I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't have even thought it was alright to just come out with something like this. Whatever has been going on, I'm sure it doesn't involve me, I just...I 'm concerned and...I-I think I'll go now."

She made a move to stand up, but James' hand shot out and he grabbed her wrist. "No, wait. Listen."

James rubbed a hand over his face, feeling a bit exasperated. Not that it was Jo's fault, of course it wasn't; she was just being a good, caring friend. James thought that was very sweet of her. It was just that this wasn't something he wanted public.

Jo sat back down and set her eyes on James, waiting patiently for him to start talking.

"I wish I could tell you. I do. I see how much you care, and it makes me glad to know that you're concerned about my well being. It makes me know that I can talk to you about anything, but this...this is really personal. Something that nobody except the guys know. And it's something I don't want _anyone_ else to know about. I know that probably only worries you more, that I can't tell people, but trust me Jo, I'm doing a lot better now that I was last week, than I was last month, and than I was right after the concert. So don't take me not wanting to tell you personally. It's just...one of those things, you know?"

"Yeah," Jo whispered in response. "I know. I understand. It sounds serious. But if you say you have it under control, then I believe you."

James lowered his eyes. He knew he shouldn't, but he felt a little ashamed that he was lying to Jo, his _friend _about this. But he just didn't want anyone finding out, simple as that. At least, not yet.

James sighed and raised his eyes to look directly at Jo. "Maybe one day," he murmured. "Maybe one day I can tell everyone the truth."

* * *

><p>"Welcome, James. How are you doing today?"<p>

"I'm good."

"Great, great."

James took his seat without being told to. Even though it was only his fourth session, he was used to the procedures.

"We're going to take a different approach today, if that's okay with you, James."

James nodded. Dr. Clark knew better than he did. Why _not_ try something new?

"That's fine with me. So how are we going to do this?"

"I want to know if you blame yourself for what happened when Big Time Rush broke up the first time."

James blinked, slightly taken aback at Dr. Clark's bluntness, but he answered nonetheless.

"Well, um, we still don't even really know why Griffin ended us. He never really explained clearly, so I couldn't tell you..."

"But you do blame yourself for a lot of the things that have happened since the band got back together. The overdose, that was your fault, was it not? You could have controlled yourself. But you didn't. You were weak, you tried to take the easy way out."

"W-well, I wouldn't say I-"

"And you only felt the need to attempt suicide because of the fight with your friends, which, again, was your fault. You stabbed your friends in the back. You were ready to go against them, to use the secrets that they were so selfless to share with you against them. You were hungry for revenge, and look at what that did to you."

James was shaking by this point. How was this supposed to be helping him? _This _was therapy? Was this what the rest of his sessions were going to be like? He'd liked it a lot better in the beginning, when Dr. Clark had been respectful and understanding. Why was he now pointing out James' flaws, all the mistakes he'd made recently?

"Um, Dr. Clark, I really don't see why-"

"You're a mess," the doctor continued harshly. "A failure. You couldn't even keep your back turned on your friends for longer than a couple of days. You broke. The pressure got to be too much, and you snapped." The doctor shook his head in what appeared to James to be disgust. Disgust with this innocent teenage pop star sitting in front of him.  
>Dr. Clark stood from his chair and began to pace in front of James. He seemed to be choosing his next words carefully. Finally he stopped pacing and glared at James. "Based on the information I've weaseled out of you in just four sessions, you're not terribly trustworthy." The doctor, though James was beginning to doubt his title, sighed. He peered closely at James, eyes narrowing. "It's a shame, really. If you were stronger, if your hard exterior was more than a silly little facade, you might not be in this mess right now. <em>But, <em>nothing can be done about it. You failed to hold up your end of the bargain before, but that was because you had nothing to lose. Now though-" Dr. Clark pulled something folded from one of his desk drawers. "Now I have something to hold over you."

James' entire body was trembling, inside and out. He was visibly shaken, and his insides were quivering with fear. He was far beyond scared. He was terrified. What was this man, this man who was supposed to be his god damn _doctor _going on about? What was he going to _do _to him?

Dr. Clark moved around the desk, closing in on James. He slammed the giant folded paper down on the desk in front of the poor, frightened boy. He unfolded the glossy paper and smoothed it out.

"No," James whispered in horror as he stared down at the poster. He let out a low moan. "No. I don't what this is, but whatever you're planning on doing, leave them out of it!"

Dr. Clark chuckled darkly. "Now why would I do that?," he growled, his voice eerily sinister. "I know how damaged you already are in the head. You're one slip-up away from losing it completely. And now that I have leverage on you, you're going to do _exactly _as I say to keep yourself in check. Got that, pretty boy?"

James felt like throwing up. He wanted to scream and run out of this terrible place, even though he still had no idea what this was about. He was scared out of his mind. But this man, this sick, twisted being wanted to get his friends involved? No. No way.

So James, despite the fear that was clouding his mind, nodded.

Dr. Clark grinned, and James had never seen an upturn of the lips look so demonic.

"Good. Now, you're probably wondering what I'm going on about."

Had he not been so absolutely terrorized, James would have rolled his eyes and muttered some witty comment. But he was paralyzed with the icy dread the ebbed its way through his twisting stomach.

"Sorry for keeping you in the dark for so long. Please, allow me to explain. When I heard that James Diamond was coming in for therapy, I was rather excited. I just _had _to have you as my patient. You see, I've heard quite a bit about you from a friend of mine. A friend who tried to make a deal with you a little while back. It was a pretty fair deal, too, I'd say. A three record deal. Your very own crib, personalized and paid for. And all you had to do was stay away from those so called friends of yours. But you just couldn't do that, could you? You went running back to them, and his business took a hard hit. He was just about to admit defeat when you came crawling back to him like the pathetic, self-centered child you are. Your band mates were a little mean to you, so you plotted against them. You made a deal with the enemy. You planned to destroy your own band, the lives of your _best friends. _Do you have any idea where you would be right now if you had gone through with the deal? You'd have gone solo. My friend would have made you famous beyond your wildest dreams. You'd be bathing in money, basking in your glory at this very moment."

Dr. Clark resumed his pacing, walking in slow, intentional circles around a colourless James. "But you just couldn't do that, could you? You couldn't even manage to tear down Big Time Rush when you know everything there is to know about the other boys. You're nearly useless. But this friend of mine, I told him that you were my newest patient. Oh, he was very pleased to hear that. It didn't take him and I long to devise a plan. Do you want to hear it? You do? Okay, just because I know you're going to be such a good little patient, I'll tell you. You do what you were supposed to do in this first place. You are going to gather all the information you can and report it back to me at our sessions. But this time, you are actually going to be useful and bring us content we can work with. Whatever you think can be used against Big Time Rush, you let me know. And this time, dig a little deeper. Seek out Gustavo's secrets, too. I'm sure he has plenty enough alone to take down your pitiful little boy band."

During the entire speech, James just sat there, frozen, unable to function. How could this be happening to him? What happened to things looking up?

James couldn't breathe. He could hardly think. He gazed at the man standing before him. What had happened to the friendly smile, the encouraging words, the raving of James making progress? Where was that man? James wanted him back.

But James knew he was being stupid. That guy had never been a part of Dr. Clark. It was all an act. A display, a false persona, to get James to open up and spill his deepest secrets to someone he thought he could trust. James felt played. He felt like an idiot, and he felt absolutely sick.

But, finally, after relentless minutes of searching, his mind thawed and he found his voice.

"W-w-what if I say no? You can't make me do this; I can warn them!"

Dr. Clark laughed again, the deep, ominous sound making James' head pound.

"Foolish, naïve James. Do you really think we would make it that simple for you? Oh, no. We knew you would refuse to go along with our arrangement. We planned for this, too, you know. Unlike you, we actually think things through. We don't just give up at the first roadblock." Dr. Clark circled around his desk again, reaching into another drawer and pulling something out. A key. The key was used to open yet another drawer. Dr. Clark grinned to himself as he nodded in satisfaction at the item he grasped in his hand.

James' eyes widened, and he nearly blacked out right there.

"If you don't do what we want..." the doctor dragged out, pointing the gun at James. "Click, click, bang, bang. Your boss gets it first. Then your friends. You will watch them die one by one. And maybe we'll kill you, maybe we won't. We might make you suffer a bit more." Dr. Clark put the gun away and locked the drawer. He looked back at James. "So I wouldn't say anything if I were you." He tapped his clipboard. "I know everything about you." Then he motioned to his notepad. "And your friends."

James stayed silent. He had squeezed his eyes close, and hot, salty tears leaked from the corners and trailed down his blanched face.

"I hope you act wisely," Dr. Clark finished. Then he clapped once, and James jumped in his seat, eyes flicking open.

"That's all we have time for today. I hope you enjoyed our session, James, and I look forward to seeing you on Tuesday. Oh, and James? If you don't bring me anything useful then-" Dr. Clark made a gun with his hand and pointed his index finger at James. "Don't think I'll hesitate to use that gun on you first."

James stumbled to his feet. He staggered to the door and it literally took him all of the miniscule amount of strength he still had to pull open the door.

James fumbled his way down the hall to the bathrooms. He lurched his way into a stall in the men's room and dropped to his knees, immediately spilling the contents of his stomach into the porcelain bowl. He didn't know how long he knelt there, being violently ill, but when his stomach muscles finally stopped contracting, his knees were sore from kneeling so long, and his throat burned from the acid.

James whimpered and weakly draped his arms across the toilet, resting his head on them. Black dots danced in front of him, obscuring his vision. Even sitting with his head down, he felt dizzy.

How could this happen? Everything had been going so great. He'd been feeling better than he had in weeks, physically and mentally. Why, why, why? Why couldn't Hawk just leave them alone and move on to some other band? Was he really crazy enough to get his psychologist friend to take him in and _threaten to kill him and his friends- no, his _family_?_

James shuddered and let out another quiet whine. What was he supposed to do? He couldn't do that to his friends again, he _wouldn't. _But he wouldn't watch them die, either.

James didn't know what he'd rather do right then, try to figure a way out of this, or pass out. But his body didn't allow him any time to make a decision; it made it for him.

He was way too overwhelmed, perhaps even in a state of shock.

With his mind on overload, James felt his body shut down. He let it, and he eagerly welcomed the darkness that turned off his senses and took over, until he knew no more.

* * *

><p>Dun, dun, dunnn...<p>

Wow, am I an utterly horrible human being or what? Or am I even human, because I don't think any sensible person would do this to poor James. And what makes it even worse is that I actually enjoyed writing this chapter...I'm so messed up.

But it adds a whole new story line to this fic!

What do you think? Too evil? Perfect? I don't know, you tell me.


	26. Screams

**A/N I swear, the reviews keep getting better and better each chap. I laugh, I'm touched, and I'm inspired. So thanks all who ave reviewed, be it once, a few randoms, or the very special people who have reviewed every single chap. You guys are all fabulous!**

**Alrighty, so last chapter we found out that James' psychologist is a huge creeping JACK ASS and is working for Hawk! A review from RainTastesGood said that James could easily just tell Mrs. Knight and call the cops before Dr. Clark knew that James had told. Well, true. Of course I thought of that. But I'm not going to make it that easy...**

*** Evil laugh ***

**Read on...**

Breakdown

Chapter 26: Screams

The very first thing James thought when he woke up was that he must not have been unconscious for very long; if he had been, someone would have tried to come into the bathroom only to find it locked with no one answering from the other side, and the door probably would've been broken down by now.

Then James recalled the events that had led up to him finding himself here in the bathroom, waking up beside the toilet with a horrible ache in his stomach. He squeezed his eyes closed, tears streaming down his cheeks, as he fervently prayed for this all to be some horrible nightmare.

But the sheer terror he was experiencing told him that it wasn't. He could remember much too vividly the hatred emanating from Dr. Clark, his cruel, twisted words infiltrating James' brain and wrapping around him tight, like an invisible hand, squeezing and squeezing, choking him, suffocating him. That was how he felt now. Couldn't breathe. Couldn't think.

James' throat opened, and he took a deep, shaky breath, filling his lungs until breathing in became painful, and his chest ached and he felt dizzy. Then he held the breath for five seconds and very slowly exhaled. Yeah, screw whoever said deep breathing helps when you're too panicked to function. James was still trembling. He let his eyes roam around the small bathroom for a minute. He was suddenly overcome by a very powerful urge to get out of there. He leaped to his feet and flung open the door, bolting down the hall and trying to ignore the fact that everything was spinning and he couldn't feel the floor beneath his feet.

James rounded the corner and burst into the waiting area.

"James?"

James jumped at the sound of his name. Gasping for air as his heart hammered wildly in his chest, James whirled around and found himself face to face with...

"M-Mrs. Knight..."

The mother smiled at James. "Your session ran a little long today, huh?"

"...How long have you been waiting?"

"Only for about ten minutes." She peered closely at James. "Are you okay, sweetie? You're looking rather pale." She took in the way he was clutching his stomach. "Are you getting sick again?"

James swallowed hard. He wanted _so badly _to tell her what had just happened, what had him so shaken up, but the image of Dr. Clark pointing a gun at him...

James bit back a moan and nodded at Mrs. Knight. He couldn't tell her. He couldn't give Dr. Clark the opportunity to point that gun at his friends. But how else would he explain why he was suddenly so jumpy and sick- which he was sure he was going to be several more times.

So James nodded. He felt trapped. What else could he do? The lives of him, his boss, and his brothers were being threatened. And _he_ was standing in the building, with a _gun._

James knew he was about to start crying again, so he stammered out to a worried-looking Mrs. Knight, "C-can we go now? I'm not feeling s-so good."

Mrs. Knight gave James a sympathetic look and wrapped an arm around his shoulder, leading him outside. "Of course, honey. Oh, you poor thing. You just got over a bug." She rubbed his shoulder as she navigated him to her van. "Hopefully this isn't anything too serious."

James slid numbly into the vehicle and buried his face in his hands, struggling to choke back a sob while he feebly thought, _You have no idea._

* * *

><p>"Hey, James, how was-"<p>

Carlos was silenced by a stern look from Mrs. Knight. "Carlos, shh, please. James isn't feeling well."

Carlos' face fell. "Again?" he whined as he took in his friend's ill appearance. He really did look sick. His hair was mussed and he had light circles under his eyes. He was clutching his stomach, too. He looked just like he had the first time he'd been sick. Only...only this time, there was something different in his eyes...but Carlos couldn't determine what. James looked scared, maybe. Was that it?

Well, whatever it was, Carlos knew it would just have to wait. James looked like he was in serious need of a nap. A nice, long, uninterrupted one.

Carlos sighed. He didn't know if he could let James have a long nap without getting bored and waking him up.

"Why don't you go lay down in your room, honey," Mrs. Knight suggested. "I'll bring you something for your stomach."

"Aww, I thought he was done with all the puking," Carlos complained, earning a scolding, "Carlos!" from Mrs. Knight.

James didn't hear any of that. He stumbled off to his room and collapsed on his bed. He took a shallow, shuddering breath. What had happened to his life? He'd thought it couldn't get any worse; apparently he'd thought too soon.

James didn't even know what to think, what to do. He saw no way out of this. Tell, everyone died. Don't tell but don't comply, the last thing he'd see would be the barrel of a gun and a devilish looking Dr. Clark behind it. Do as forced, and he'd be without his friends forever.

And to James, that sounded worse than death.

Fighting back tears, James rolled onto his stomach, buried his face in his pillow, pushing aside the urge to just let himself suffocate, and screamed.

He screamed and screamed until he felt all of the feelings he'd kept bottled up inside since the overdose tear from his throat. He let his tears wash away his fear and his hurt. But it wasn't enough. And even when he heard several voices shouting around him, at him, he kept on screaming.

Panicked voices were talking back and forth frantically. James knew it was his friends and Mrs. Knight, trying simultaneously to calm him down and figure out what was wrong. James couldn't hear what they were saying. His heart-wrenching screams filled his ears and made any other noise inaudible. James didn't care. All he wanted was to scream until he forgot why he was so terrified in the first place.

By now James' head was scrambled. He wasn't even thinking about Dr. Clark anymore. He couldn't feel the hands all over him, or the voices surrounding him. He couldn't feel the tears rolling down his cheeks and soaking his pillow. All he knew was that he was screaming, and he was pretty sure that if he didn't stop now, he never would.

Finally, slowly, James' screaming ceased. His wails quieted into sobs. He cried hysterically, fighting for a breath when he got the chance. His senses returned, and he could feel the soreness of his raw throat, hear the frantic voices of the others.

"What's wrong with him?"

"James, please, calm down!"

"Carlos, take Katie outside."

James' sobs slowed. He could breathe again. He felt his tense muscles slacken. Someone's hand was on his back, rubbing gently. The gesture was supposed to be comforting, but how could James feel calm and relaxed at a time like this?

Then Mrs. Knight's soft voice was humming in his ear. "Shh, we're right here, James. You're okay now."

She soothed James quietly for a few more minutes while Logan and Kendall watched, trying to calm down themselves. They were still quite shaken up, and they had every reason to be. They'd thought James had gone to sleep; they certainly had not expected to hear muffled, terrorized screams ringing down the hall from James and Carlos' room. Everyone's hearts had faltered as they completely forgot about what they had been doing and raced to his room, fearing the worst but at the same time not knowing what to expect.

Kendall and Logan could still feel their hearts thumping wildly. Like James, they too were just regaining their ability to breath.

The only sound in the room now was James' heavy, shaky breathing.

Logan took a timid step forward, and his slightly quavering voice sliced through the quiet air. "James, can you look at me bud?"

James shook his head, face still buried in his pillow.

"Please? I need to make sure you're okay."

Sucking much-needed oxygen into his deprived lungs, James turned weakly over onto his side and peeked up at his friends and second mother. Carlos and Katie were missing. The sight of him so broken and inconsolable must have been too much for the ten-year-old girl. She was tough as nails, but when it came to one of her brothers, keeping it together when one of them was suffering was impossible. That was her breaking point.

Now on top of everything, James felt guilty for freaking them all out. Like he really needed anything else wearing down on him.

The hearts of Logan, Kendall, and Mrs. Knight broke at the sight of James' red, puffy, terror and pain filled eyes.

"What hurts?" Logan asked, assuming the reason James had been screaming so wretchedly was because he was in some sort of severe pain.

"Nothing," James choked out.

"James, we can't make you better if you don't tell us what's wrong. So what is it?"

James shook his head miserably. He couldn't say anything. They'd all be dead within...wait a second. James was surprised he was thinking this clearly. Of course! How could Dr. Clark possibly know he'd told them? If he spilled to them right now, they could call the police and have that freaking poser arrested before he even knew what was happening.

_But...what if he bugged me? _James considered. _What if he somehow attached a microphone to me and he can hear everything that's going on right now? Then he'd know I told, and he'd be over here before the police would._

And then James was thinking, _Wow, can I be any more paranoid? He didn't bug me! He didn't even touch me! He stayed on the other side of the desk during all of our sessions!_

James knew he wasn't being rational. There was no way the creepy doctor had managed to attach a microphone to him or any of his things. But he couldn't help but think like that. His mind was a jumbled mess.

Even if he did decide to tell them, though, he didn't know how to get it out. How was he supposed to tell them that someone was out to destroy them, either by breaking up the band once and for all, or by _murdering _them? He could hardly even stand to be looking at them. Images of them all taking bullets through the head, blood oozing out over their expressionless faces as he waited for the bullet to lodge itself into his brain flooded his mind, making the tears return and his stomach twist violently.

James could not hold back the whimper that escaped his throat, betraying him by giving away all of his worry, discomfort, and helplessness in that one small sound.

Logan studied his friend for a moment longer. His eyes...it made no sense. They were dull with a look of defeat, yet bright with horror. Why wouldn't he just tell them what was going on. And then Logan had a glimmer of a hypothesis. If it was what he thought it was, he was seriously going to lose it.

"You are in pain, aren't you?" It was a statement, not a question. "But not physically."

James gave a meek nod, his head barely bobbing.

Logan nodded back, ignoring the confused stares he was receiving from Kendall and Mrs. Knight. How did he know something they didn't?

Logan took a deep breath before continuing. He really didn't want to ask this, but he _had _to...

"Did something happen...at counseling? With Dr. Clark?"

James' eyes grew even wider, and he paled, his breath hitching. Logan had hit home. Maybe he wouldn't have to say anything. Maybe Logan had figured it out and all James had to do was confirm it.

But that wasn't the case.

"Did he get too personal? Bring forward any unwanted or suppressed memories?"

James' heart dropped. Logan hadn't figured it out.

James shook his head.

"Did he..." Logan swallowed, feeling sick. He prayed hard that James' honest answer be no. "Did he _touch _you?"

Mrs. Knight and Kendall went rigid. Was it possible...The way he'd went straight to his room after he got back from therapy, the screams, the terrified look in his eyes..._Oh, god, _they realized, dread forming heavy knots in their stomachs. _It is._

They didn't want to hear the answer, any of them, but they needed to know.

But to their immense relief, James shook his head. He looked ready to start sobbing again. "He d-didn't do anything like that," James stammered, fresh tears welling up in his eyes.

"But he did something," Logan said.

James nodded again.

Mrs. Knight spoke this time, her voice soft. "Then what? James, honey, this is really important. We need to know how bad it was, and if it's necessary to get the police involved."

She noticed the way he flinched when she said 'police', and she placed a tentative hand on his trembling shoulder. "Is it that serious?" she whispered, afraid of the answer. She knew it wasn't right for her to be afraid, it wasn't helping in any way, but the way James kept tensing up and shrinking into his pillow had her worried. Not to mention the obvious, the screaming and crying. Something was seriously the matter, and though she sometimes just left the boys alone until they were ready to talk when something was bothering them, she knew she couldn't do that here, and she wasn't going to. Whatever it was that had James so visibly scared was coming out, not matter how long she had to persist to uncover the truth.

James just couldn't hold himself together. He was crying again, not sobbing uncontrollably, but the tears that were pouring rapidly down his cheeks just wouldn't stop. The only response he could manage was a nod.

Everyone else in the room paled. Dr. Clark hadn't physically contacted or harmed James, but something he'd done was bad enough that the police needed to be called.

"What the hell did he do?" Kendall seethed. Mrs. Knight let his language slip. She was too worried to care.

James just shook his head.

"James. What. Did. He. Do. To. You?"

James sat up, swiping at his tear-stained face. "I c- I can't-"

Mrs. Knight gently took James' tear-streaked face in her hands and looked him in the eye. "James, please. You need to tell us. This man could be dangerous. We need to stop him before he...before he hurts anyone else."

James struggled to wipe the tears from his face with his trembling hands. How was he supposed to do this? Just come right out and say it? It wasn't that easy.

But James knew Mrs. Knight was right. Dr. Clark was a despicable being, an abomination, and he needed to be stopped.

James opened his mouth to tell them the truth. But the words were stuck in his throat. He couldn't voice them, no matter how hard he tried. It was agony. The tears started up all over again, and James couldn't help but wonder if they'd ever stop.

There was a timid knock on the door then, and a nervous-looking Carlos peeked in. "Is it okay in here now?" he asked in a meek voice that didn't suit him one bit.

James took one look at his innocent friend's frightened, panicky eyes and knew he had to just say it. They were all scared, even fearless Kendall, and they deserved to know. He _had _to tell someone. There was nothing Dr. Clark could do. The only way he'd find out that James had told would be by the police cuffing him and reading him his rights, along with what he was being charged with or arrested for or however it worked. James didn't know and, at the moment, didn't care.

All he knew was that he'd feel a lot safer if other people knew and the cops were involved, despite the consequences that Dr. Clark had made all too clear.

James took one final look at the anxious expression of the faces surrounding, him, and he stuttered out "He threatened to k-kill you guys. And m-me."

The instant he said it, he regretted it. He wanted nothing more at that very second than to take it back, but he couldn't. And why exactly did he wish he hadn't said a thing? Because of the horrifying realization that suddenly hit him like a semi. _What if Dr. Clark went to jail but escaped, got released, or didn't even go at all? There'd be nothing stopping him from staying true to his word and killing us all if he finds out I told._

Four jaws dropped, and four hearts skipped a beat. Nobody moved. They were all frozen, wishing they had heard wrong. There was just no way...

But the evidence was right there in front of them. James wasn't himself, and now they knew why.

Kendall was the first to break the heavy silence. Seeing James so broken was the lighter under his fuel. He shook with uncontrolled rage, but his voice was hard and steady. "That sick bastard. He wants to make death threats? He had no idea what's coming to him. He's not gonna get a chance to touch _anyone, _because before he can even think about doing _anything, _I am going to _destroy _that mother _fu_-"

"You can't!" James wailed, shaking on the bed. "He c-can't know I told you, he'll k-kill me first!"

Mrs. Knight snapped out of her state of shock. She looked at the boys with authority. "Keep him calm. I'm calling the police," she announced hastily, and rushed from the room.

James was a mess. He was crying once again. His sobs were loud and heart-wrenching, his breaths came out jagged and shallow. He was hyperventilating.

Logan sat on the bed next to James, his mouth still agape from the utter shock and disbelief he was experiencing. One of his _best friends _had just been threatened. Actually, all of their lives had been. It was horrible enough hearing it from James, but Logan could never imagine what it must have felt like for him. Sitting there, thinking he was getting help, when in all reality, the man who was supposed to be talking James through this rough patch was actually making James' life hell. Logan felt sick, but a slow rage was also settling over him. However, unlike Kendall, Logan kept his cool- or, as much of it as he possibly could given this nightmarish predicament.

He attempted to do what he knew he had to do. Calm James down.

Logan very gently, very cautiously, took James' chin in his hand and tilted James' head so that they faced each other.

"James," Logan whispered. "James, look at me."

James' sobs quieted as he struggled to hear what Logan was saying. James felt like he was out of his mind with sheer terror at that moment, but he was still thinking rationally enough to know to listen to Logan. Logan, who would never even think of harming James.

James stared right into Logan's soft brown eyes and listened to the soothing voice.

"That's it, James. Just breathe. Stay with me. Don't think about anything else, just my voice. You're safe. Now breathe. Deep breath in."

James somehow managed to suck in a shaky, deep breath. He let the air fill his lungs, then rush out in a gasp.

"Again," Logan murmured in his hushed tone.

James repeated the action several times, until he no longer felt like there was a hand wrapped around his neck, crushing his windpipe.

"Good job, buddy. You're okay now. I'm here, Kendall, Carlos, we're all right here."

James felt Logan's hand running up and down his arm. He felt another rubbing his shoulder. Carlos.

Then there was Kendall. He was still standing a little ways away from the bed, near the door. His entire body shook, his insides felt like they were on fire. He was seeing red. Kendall had never, _ever, _despite everything he and his friend's had been through, been this absolutely, uncontrollably enraged. It felt different than all the other times he'd been overcome by fury. Normally he'd be swinging fists left and right, kicking at walls when there was nobody to punch. He'd be screaming profanities at anyone unfortunate enough to be close, but right now, Kendall was angrier than that. His hands were balled into fists at his sides. He was trembling. He couldn't hear the voices of his friends over his heart pounding in his ears. He knew it wouldn't be long before he snapped. Which was why he needed to go to the Self Healing Centre right now so that when he did snap, he would kill Dr. Clark instead of some innocent stranger.

And kill Dr. Clark he would.

Mrs. Knight came into the room with Katie trailing behind her, looking, for once in her life, scared. Here wide brown eyes studied James for a moment as she stood timidly in the doorway. But he looked so young, so broken and terrified that she had to look away.

Mrs. Knight stepped closer to the bed, nodding her thanks to Kendall, Carlos, and Logan for keeping James calm. They got off the bed so that Mrs. Knight could have a seat next to James while she spoke to him.

She hesitated, wondering how she should ask him. She didn't want to freak him out anymore than he already was, but she was sure that asking him to relive the experience would only cause him to have another melt down. But this _needed _to be done.

"James, honey," she began, placing a hand over his. She noticed how he purposely avoided looking directly at her. She continued. "I called the police." James flinched at the words. "They're sending an officer over right now. He's going to listen to what you have to say, which means you have to keep yourself calm and remember _exactly _what happened today. Do you think you can do that?"

James pulled his hands away from Mrs. Knight and hid his face in them. He took yet another deep breath, fighting to stay composed. He nodded.

"Okay," Mrs. Knight whispered. Everyone else remained silent. "You're going to have to tell them. And when you do, don't leave out _anything. _Every little detail is relevant, whether you think so or not. Are you okay with this?"

Was he? James wasn't a hundred percent sure he wanted to do this. His mind was still in overload; his thoughts were fuzzy, and he was considering the worst of what could happen. Dr. Clark would somehow escape unpunished, and he'd waste no time going after James and the rest of them. But if James _didn't _give them the whole story, he'd be forced to reveal the deepest secrets of his friends to a man who was insane enough to use those very secrets to destroy this band.

James felt his heart pang as he thought _Who are you to be saying that's insane? You were willing to do it._

But now was not the time for reflections of the past. Now was the time to decide; tell the truth and potentially be murdered, or lie and lose his friends forever?

It suddenly seemed like such a simple ultimatum. Life without his best friends was death; it was worse than death. And he wouldn't go through that. He wouldn't put his friends through the humiliation and betrayal of having their darkest secrets exposed for the world the discover, either.

James nodded in response to Mrs. Knight's inquiry. He sniffled, finally glancing up to meet her pained gaze. Her chestnut eyes were filled with worry, sorrow, and hurt. For him. She even had a hint of wrath etched into her features. James couldn't imagine lying and causing her even more grief.

So he broke down and told them everything, how Dr. Clark had always been super nice to him until this morning, how he'd started off by saying they were going to take a different approach this session. He told them about Dr. Clark trying to make James blame himself for all that had gone down in the past few months. Then James got to the part about Dr. Clark being an associate for Hawk. That was hard. Telling them about the gun aimed at his face was even harder.

By the time James was done, he wasn't the only one crying. Katie and Carlos had frightened tears streaming down their faces as well.

Logan and Mrs. Knight held it together, but they couldn't even look at James without being washed over by agony. They couldn't and knew they never would be able to imagine just what James had been feeling at that very moment when the barrel of a gun had stared him down. Hearing it wasn't even a tenth of how absolutely horrifying it had been for James.

So they let him cry some more. They sat in his bed with him and murmured words that they wished but knew could never sooth or mend him.

And then there was Kendall. His mind was still too awash with pure rage to think, to function properly. The last thing on his mind was comforting James. The only thing he so badly desired- the only thing he _needed- _was to have his hands wrapped around Dr. Clark's throat and let the man suffer and beg and plead for his life as Kendall let himself go completely for what he did to the innocent teenager that was Kendall's best friend, his _brother. _Then he would take care of Hawk, the sick, twisted _bastard. _Kendall couldn't give a shit less if _he_ went to jail for murder. Because the way he saw it, _nobody _messed with his family and got away with it.

* * *

><p>Mrs. Knight didn't budge an inch away from James until she heard the loud knock on the door. She handed a still trembling James to Logan and walked briskly from the room.<p>

"I d-don't know if I can do this," James whispered.

"Why not? You just have to tell the officer what you told us," Logan reasoned. "Don't you want to make sure this never happens again?"

James nodded.

"Than you know what you have to do," Carlos murmured. He knew Logan was right; James couldn't let this horrid, evil man threaten him like this, but Carlos was scared for his friend, and not just because of the threat, but because he had just seen what talking about it had done to James. It wasn't easy for him. Carlos still didn't quite have his head wrapped around this whole thing. He understood, yes, but he didn't want to _believe._

James wiped the remaining tear stains from his face and finally climbed off the bed. "Y-you guys are right," he admitted. "I have to do this...no matter how hard it is."

Logan and Carlos stood and each placed a hand on James' shoulders. "You'll feel a lot better once you do," they assured him.

The entire time, Kendall had remained standing in the middle of the room. Of course he wanted to comfort his distraught friend, but he didn't want to go near any of them in case his ticker went off and he blew. The only person- no, the only _monster _he wanted that to happen around was 'Dr.' Clark. That way he'd get what was coming to him and nobody else would pay for his inhumanly actions.

So Kendall, in order to keep himself in check, stayed silent during the entire ordeal. Logan and Carlos seemed to clue into this, and they didn't direct a word at Kendall. They knew he was seconds, one wrong word, away from snapping.

Kendall didn't move a muscle until the other three boys slowly wandered carefully past him and out of the room to face the cops. Only then did Kendall flinch and follow them.

The four boys headed into the kitchen area of the apartment to see Mrs. Knight offering the cops a seat at the table. The politely declined. Mrs. Knight lowered her hands from where they were gesturing toward the chairs and suddenly looked unsure of what to do with them.

There were two officers, one male, the other female. They had on their uniforms. Carlos, whose father was an cop, would have found this rather exciting had the circumstances not been so morbid.

"This is, uh, this is him." Mrs. Knight found new use for her hands as she ushered James forward.

James wanted nothing more at that moment than to hide in his room and forget about this whole thing. But he knew that wasn't a possibility, so, with a gentle but forceful nudge from Logan, James found himself stepping closer to the officers and greeting them with an unsteady handshake.

The next few minutes went by in a blur for James. One second he was being told but not hearing the officers' names, and the next he was seated on the couch between Mrs. Knight and Logan. Kendall, again stood a little apart, and Carlos held Katie close on the other couch. The officers stood in the middle of the room, facing James. The female officer had a pen and a notepad at the ready.

"Now, James," the male officer- was it Officer Harold?- began. "Right now all I want for you to do is to tell me exactly what it was that occurred. Officer Mills-" he motioned to the lady cop with the notepad, ready to start writing, "will write everything important down, and from there we'll see if we build a case or a possible charge against the man who did this to you."

God, that notepad reminded him of the one Dr. Clark used, which was now page after page full of secrets, emotions, and vital information, all about him...

"James?"

James blinked. Right, time to focus.

James clasped his sweaty, shaking hands together and folded them onto his lap, trying no to bounce his legs nervously.

_All they want to do is help, _James reminded himself. _They can keep you safe._

And then James was talking, relaying the story for a second time. He spilled out every last detail to the officers, but when it was finally over five minutes later, James didn't feel the least bit safer. He felt the same. Scared out of his mind.

He felt even more uptight when Officer Gerald and Officer Mills talked quietly for a minute while examining the notes she'd made. What was there to discuss?

James' throat tightened again, and he forced himself to breathe before he freaked out and had another panic attack in front of everyone. No, discussing was good. Wasn't it? They were supposed to discuss; they always did on TV.

Finally, after what seemed like a six minute eternity, the officers lifted their heads and walked back over.

Officer Gerald cleared his throat. "Well, James, it seems that we have a very serious situation on our hands here." He paused.

James wanted to scream at him. He wanted to let the officer know very damn well that he was _aware _of the severity of this predicament, but what he wanted to know was _how _were they going to get rid of it?

Then Officer Gerald started talking again, and James shut his mind up and sat straight, waiting.

"Here's the thing, James. There have been many cases over the recent year involving innocent people being sentenced to prison or worse falsely."

James felt his stomach, his heart drop. Did the police think he was _making this up?_

Officer Gerald sighed and continued. "I'm sorry, James. It isn't that we don't believe you. But obtaining evidence of the crime is part of our protocol now."

Carlos piped up, startling everyone by making his voice heard for the first time in nearly fifteen minutes. That was a new record for the boy. "What does that mean?" he questioned seriously.

Officer Mills and Officer Gerald tried to smile at the boy, but it was no easy task. They settled for half-hearted grimaces and Officer Mills took over.

"It means that James needs to get proof of Dr. Clark saying these things before we can slap the cuffs around his wrists."

Despite the small amount of people in the room, the air was suddenly filled with the buzz of voices overlapping voices.

Mrs. Knight and Logan were asking the police if there was another way, _any _other way, Katie was crying, Carlos was murmuring soothing words to her, and Kendall was going ballistic, screaming at the officers that this man was dangerous and there was _no way_ James was going back to him.

It was so loud, so muddled, but through all of it, James figured out exactly what it was that he had to do to gather the proof. His heart stopped beating. He blinked away the dancing black dots that darkened his vision and threatened to take him away from consciousness and focused on breathing. He couldn't believe this. It wasn't happening to him, no, it _wasn't. _

He'd have to go back into that hellish officer with Dr. Clark again.

Alone.

He'd have to be sneaky and sly in order to get what he needed.

And unless he wanted to die, he'd have to show up with information.

* * *

><p><strong>This. Chapter. Blows. That is all.<strong>

**Happy holidays, beloved readers! Chapter 27 will be up next year! Have a wonderful final week of 2011! **


	27. Leverage

**Has it really been over 3 weeks? Whoa...I can't even begin to explain to you guys how sorry I am. I always told myself I would never make you guys wait this long...**

**Lets just say that holidays, dance class, a minor car accident, guitar lessons, a crashed laptop, and writers block is a recipe for disaster.**

**But I'm back, so please enjoy! Or at least try, considering this chapter is super short and pointless and just plain horrible. **

**Warning: Violence, but...I think you'll like it ;)**

Breakdown

Chapter 27: Leverage

"They can't just expect him to go back there and act like everything is fine when that creep should be in prison or _dead _right now!"

"Kendall, please, calm down."

Kendall turned on his mother, his green eyes dark and wild with rage. "No! James isn't going back there when the son-of-a-bitch has a god damn _gun _in there! Falsely accused my ass! Nobody would make this up! Is James shaking and crying on the couch not proof enough?"  
>Mrs. Knight ran a distressed hand through her auburn hair. She completely understood where Kendall was coming from. She wanted nothing more than for Dr. Clark to receive the punishment he deserved, which, in her eyes, was a life sentence. But freaking out about the police's orders wasn't going to help anything.<p>

"W...we aren't really going to make James go back there, are we?" Carlos' meek voice sounded from the couch where he sat beside a panic-stricken James. The tall boy was pale and shaky, but he wasn't totally out-of-his-mind with fear. He'd be lying if he said he wanted nothing less than to go back into that office with Dr. Clark, and _alone _at that_. _No, there was one thing worse than that; allowing Dr. Clark to go unpunished and commit an act this horrendous again. James _knew_ the infinite terror of having the person you are trusting with your deepest secrets making you feel like a worthless human being while directing a gun at you. The one thing James wanted less than to go back was for that to happen to someone else.

And he knew what that meant. It meant he had no choice; he _had _to go back, to ensure that he attained the proof needed to get that bastard thrown in jail. _That _would be when James could stop worrying, stop wondering.

He opened his mouth to tell them that this was his decision, and his mind was made up; he was doing this. It was that only way.

"Guys, listen..."

"No." Kendall whirled on James. "I know what you're going to say. And I'm telling you not to. You aren't doing this, James. I won't let you."

But James wasn't fazed. He raised himself from the couch and went eye-to-eye with Kendall. "This isn't your decision, Kendall. It's _mine. _And _I'm _telling _you _that I _am _doing this. I _have _to, Kendall. Don't you see? If I don't, he'll never get caught. I'm not going to just _let _him do this to innocent people, _kids, _like me, when there is something I can do about it. And don't even try to talk me out of this, because you and I both know you'd so the same thing."

Kendall shook his head and looked away. He wasn't giving up; no, James wasn't going and that was final. He just needed to find something to say, _anything _that would convince James that this was_ not _as good an idea as he thought it was.

That was the thing, though. Kendall actually _did _understand where James was coming from, he did agree that this should be done. But this was his _best friend _here. James would be risking his life going back in there with a psychotic man. But James was adamant about this, clearly not going to budge, and for once in his life, Kendall didn't know what to say.

"I need to clear my head," he announced. He headed for the door, but a hand held him back.

"Kendall-"

Kendall tugged his arm out of Logan's grasp and opened the door.

"Nobody follow me." Without another word from anyone, Kendall stalked out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

><p>Kendall stalked into the gray-coloured office, his entire body shaking with the overwhelming blind rage coursing through his veins and propelling him forward at a brisk pace. He was still viewing the world through a hazy curtain of red, but when he arrived at his destination, everything was clear. His sight was set steadily on his target.<p>

The man behind the desk glanced up at the sound of his door being thrown open. Kendall pushed it with so much force that the doorknob left a deep dent in the wall where it collided. Kendall payed no notice.

"Ah, Kendall Knight, the feisty leader. Has BTR crashed and burned yet? Are you here to beg me for a _real _shot at the big time? Had enough of the infamous Gustavo Rocque?" The name flew from Hawk's mouth like venom. "Had enough of your so called 'band mates'?" The rival producer chuckled evilly, and all at once the red was back. "Namely, James Diamond? Have you _finally _come to see what a selfish, backstabbing-"

Hawk didn't see the fist flying towards his face until it was too late. Kendall's knuckles made contact with the heinous man's cheekbone, and Kendall relished the sound of bone on bone. But only for a moment. Then he sent his fist forward again, and again, over and over, until blood decorated the defenseless Hawk's desk.

"You listen to me," Kendall panted, breathing heavily. He kept his tone low, an intimidating growl, a warning of sorts, as he stared down the half-conscious man with an icy green gaze. "You are going to call the police and tell them that _Clark _is working for you. You will admit to everything you've done to torment us in the past year, and you will accept the consequences." Kendall leaned in closer, literally breathing right into the filthy bastard's face. "Do you understand me?"

To Kendall's immense surprise, Hawk laughed weakly, flecks of blood speckling his shirt and desk. The sicko _laughed _at him. "And what exactly makes you so sure that I'm going to do what you want me to do? You have no leverage on me. But unless your little '_friend' _has a death wish, I'll have some on you in a five days.

"Big mistake." With catlike speed and precision, Kendall wrapped his hands around the back of Hawk's neck and jerked his head forward, smashing the monstrous producer's face off the edge of his bloodied desk. Then Kendall pushed his head back, cracking Hawk's skull against the wall. And then Kendall delivered the final blow, a flawless uppercut to Hawk's jaw, knocking the abominable man unconscious. He slumped over in his chair, his face blood-soaked and bruised, and in that moment, his own hands covered in another person's blood, Kendall had never felt such a sense of accomplishment. But the victorious notion was short-lived, for Kendall knew this was far from over. He had taken his anger out on Hawk, but not all of it. And beating the man to unconsciousness didn't resolve the real issue.

Kendall shook his head at the pathetic excuse for a human being. He wanted to get out of there. Now that a large portion of his anger had been relieved, he could think a bit more coherently. He knew it was neither smart nor safe to stay here. If he got caught, well, so much for proof. He was standing right there with Hawk's blood on his hands, a half smile etched onto his dark features.

So Kendall stayed just a second longer, taking in the scene before him. For a split second, Kendall was afraid. Staring at Hawk, unresponsive and broken, having had gotten what he deserved. But he still deserved much, much worse. Because he wasn't as broken as James was. Probably never would be. But still, reflecting on his actions of just a minute earlier, Kendall realized that he had _enjoyed _it. He'd actually felt, God help him, euphoric with every punch.

So, for a split second, Kendall was afraid. Of himself.

* * *

><p>"Where have you been?" Mrs. Knight demanded as her son entered 2J. She barely had time to study him as he brushed swiftly by her.<p>

Kendall shoved his hands in his pockets and muttered "Went for a walk in the park," before passing through the entrance to the bathroom and letting the door slam shut behind him.

Kendall stared at his red coated hands for a while. This was another man's blood. Not that Kendall had never drawn blood from the occasional scuffle back in Minnesota. But this was different. Intentional, serious injuries, no _proof _of a motive.

Kendall scoffed in disgust as he began to scrub purple soap vigorously between his stained hands. Proof. How stupid were the freaking cops? Weren't they supposed to protect the good guys, throw away the bad? When had that changed?

James wasn't going back to Dr. Clark. As far as Kendall was concerned, there was nothing to discuss, nothing to consider. He knew James was for going back, albeit reluctantly, but there was just _no way _Kendall would allow it. Simple as that.

Kendall scrubbed for a good five minutes, until the last trace of blood was washed away from his skin and under his nails. He quickly checked himself over in the mirror to make sure there were no splotches of blood on his new navy t-shirt. His mother had just bought it for him and would be furious. Not to mention suspicious.

Finally Kendall decided he was free of Hawk's blood, and he unlocked the door and cautiously stepped out into the kitchen.

"Kendall!-"

"GAH!" Kendall's feet literally left the ground at his name being shouted. He turned to glare at a smiling Carlos.

"Carlos, don't _do _that!"

Carlos' smile vanished. "I'm sorry, I just wanted to know where you were."

Kendall rubbed his lavender-scented hands over his face and sighed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled, I just..."

Carlos moved forward, placing a hand on Kendall's shoulder. "It's okay, bud. We're all going through this together, remember?"

Kendall peeked at Carlos from between his fingers. He was so innocent, so young... Well, the same age as Kendall, but about ten years younger at heart. Kendall suddenly felt a wave of guilt wash over him. _He _was the leader of Big Time Rush, sort of. He was the oldest of the four. He was supposed to be their protector, their shield from all things bad. And this was worse than bad.

Kendall shook his head at Carlos. Carlos, who would never even consider hurting Hawk, no matter how strong his hatred for him. Carlos, who only always wanted everyone to be happy. _Why can't I be like Carlos?_

"He's really determined to go," said boy told Kendall, snapping him from his musings. "I'm scared. I don't want him to. I don't want anything to happen. But you know how James is. He won't let us talk him out of it."

A cognizance of dread settled over Kendall. It was true. James was driven, stubborn, and worst of all, convinced that this was his only option, the only way out of this hellish disaster.

And maybe Kendall needed some sense talked into him, because he figured the only way out of this without _any _of _them _getting hurt was to kill 'Dr.' Clark. That or move halfway around the world, but Kendall wasn't running.

Gritting his teeth together to try to abate the anger that threatened to be taken out on Carlos, Kendall turned away. "I know, Carlos. So you know what? We're going to let him do this. But not alone."

"What do you mean?" Carlos' voice was laced with suspicion, and when Kendall turned back around to face him, he saw the confusion creasing Carlos' forehead.

"I _mean," _Kendall enunciated, "that we're going to be there with him, waiting right outside the door and if we hear _one _wrong word come from that son-of-a-bitch's mouth, we're busting the damn door down and getting James the hell out of there."

"But won't the other doctors wonder what we're doing if we just stand there?" Carlos considered. "And besides, Dr. Clark will probably make sure we aren't there."

Carlos saw Kendall's jaw clench in anger. Why couldn't this be simple? Why did it have to be happening at all?

"Look, Carlos, I don't know how, but we _are _going to get James out of this. Okay? He sneaks a recorder in and gets Dr. Clark to say something that will give him away. Then he makes it out of there safely...Only..." Kendall trailed off. He didn't want to think about the 'only'.

"Only what?" Carlos moved closer to Kendall, hanging on his next words. "Only _what, _Kendall?"

Kendall shuddered and shook his head. "It just...that's the part I'm worried about."

Carlos paled. "Him making it out of there safely?"

Kendall nodded. He instantly regretted saying anything when he saw the terror in Carlos' eyes. But it was something to consider. Even if James did bring the sick son-of-a-bitch the information he craved, would it be enough? Would he let James go like he said? Kendall doubted that someone as twisted and demented in the mind as Dr. Clark would let someone off that easily, no matter what the deal was.

Kendall sighed heavily as he ran a distressed hand through his mused blond locks. "I'm sorry, Carlos, but it's the truth. We have to be prepared for anything. Even for...for the worst. We still have five days to figure this out. I just...we don't have any _leverage _on him." Kendall winced and a bitter taste filled the back of his throat as he used almost the exact words Hawk had used on him earlier.

Carlos stayed quiet, thinking for a moment, thinking so hard his brain literally hurt. Or maybe it was just a headache from all the stress? This situation was effecting all of them negatively, and Carlos wondered ow much more they could take before the rest of them snapped. James had pretty much already lost it.

Of course, Carlos had no idea about Kendall going over the edge and taking it out on Hawk earlier. That was also why he suggested, without hesitation, "What about Hawk? If we can find something to hold over him, maybe he'll call the whole thing off. Maybe he'll force Clark _not _to do anything. Maybe..." A solitary tear creeped from his tear duct and tracked down his cheek. "I don't know, maybe we can save James. But even if we do that, he'll never be the same again, will he? Will he, Kendall? Not the same fun loving, easy going, determined, strong James we know and love. He'll be different. Sadder." Carlos barely managed to suppress a sob. "I don't _want _him to be like that! I love James how he is! How he used to be, before this whole bipolar thing!" And then Carlos cracked, and he collapsed into Kendall's consolatory arms, a sobbing, gasping heap. "I want James back!"

Kendall bit his lip as he patted the smaller boy's back, not sure what else to do. At this point, he was sure nothing could comfort his wailing, broken down friend.

It hurt him immensely to think it, but Carlos was right. No matter if this turned out for the better, James still would probably never go back to normal. The same glint of the thrill he found in everyday would no longer light up his beautiful eyes. His smile would always seemed forced, and laughs would be rare, a privilege to hear.

James would no longer sing when they weren't working, he wouldn't be a crazy Party King and he wouldn't have fun. He would be traumatized forever.

Of course, that may not be entirely true. Maybe James would bounce back, maybe not be _quite _the same, but not nearly as bad as Kendall and Carlos feared. James was strong, resilient, but he'd been through a lot, way too much, and it wasn't over yet. Kendall could see James' recovery going either way.

The one thing that wouldn't change, though, ever, _no matter what_, was that he, Logan, and Carlos were going to be there for James every step of the way. _No matter what._

Kendall closed his eyes and whispered _shhh's _to Carlos, and held him tight, but he did not tell him everything was going to be okay, because he did not lie to his friends.

* * *

><p><strong>Wellll...I'm am so so disappointed in myself. Very much so.<strong>

**I would ask everyone how their holidays were, but you probably all forget, they were so long ago. Yes, that was a jab at myself...**


	28. Nightmare

**First of all, I'm sorry I scared some of you with my AN last chapter with the part with the accident. I literally just got my G2 and the other car hit the passenger side and I was alone so I escaped with just a minor concussion and a sprained wrist, but I am absolutely fine! :) Thanks for your concern, guys. **

**And also, thanks so so much for the words of encouragement. I really hated the last chapter, but you guys seemed to enjoy it so I thank you for that! It really lifted my spirits, and I felt a _little _less like I totally failed there.**

**Anyway, guess what? You didn't have to wait 3 weeks for this chap! **

Breakdown

Chapter 28: Nightmare

Logan sat on Carlos' bed with his legs crossed beneath him. He peered across the room at the sleeping form of James, lying atop the covers of his own mattress. He looked peaceful, the first time Logan hadn't seen his mouth turned down dejectedly in far too long. But the calm air was only going to last until he woke up, Logan knew, and that apprehension was enough to make his heart hurt for his suffering friend.

As far as Logan was concerned, James had never done anything to deserve this kind of inhumane treatment. James was a great guy, his best friend, Carlos and Kendall's, too. No, scratch that. He was their _brother _and they had known and loved him for years upon years. Sure, he could be self-absorbed sometimes- okay, almost _all _the time- bordering on narcissistic, even, but James was kind and funny and caring and passionate and selfless and a plethora of other things that made a person genuine and loveable. So _why _him? Why this? The boys all had their fair share of bad luck once in a while, but this no football to the head or sunscreen-ruined shirt. James hadn't broken a mirror. He'd been exposed to an awful disorder, a breakdown of the worst kind, an humiliating situation, and now, quite possibly the devil in disguise.

To Logan, it all seemed so bittersweet. James got the life he'd always wanted; fame, money, girls. But only a year in and already it was a case of be careful what you wish for. The fame hadn't seemed to be doing James, or any of them for that matter, any good lately. At all. And so now Logan couldn't help but wonder...once this disaster was behind them, should they just quit?

Going on just didn't seem worth it to Logan. Sure, James would probably, despite everything, be completely against going back to Minnesota. Logan knew that even though James had said several times in the recent past that he wanted to go home, he wanted to stay in Hollywood more.

But would this conflict make him decide otherwise? This was even worse than the suicide attempt, but then, James still hadn't wanted to go home afterwards, and besides, that was before his medication had started taking effect. But the way James was talking about wanting- no, _needing- _to go back into that office of doom with Dr. Clark gave Logan the impression that after this was all over, James would want to stay. But at what cost?

Logan sighed from his spot on Carlos' bed and leaned forward, propping his elbows on his knees and resting his face in his hands. It was too much, all of it. So absolutely ridiculous, and definitely not something Logan ever would have imagined happening to one of his best friends. They were only seventeen, for Christ's sake! This was supposed to be the kind of thing you only saw in movies or read in novels. It wasn't supposed to be reality. They weren't supposed to become involved in it.

Logan held back a frustrated groan and sat that way until he heard the door creak open.

Logan peeked up from between his fingers to see Kendall and Carlos both standing there. Carlos was sniffling loudly, while Kendall had a hand placed on Carlos' heaving shoulder. Logan quickly scrambled from Carlos' bed and helped Kendall lead the owner to it.

They let Carlos get comfortable before they sat on the end of the bed, leaning their backs against the wall and letting their feet dangle over the side.

"Are you alright, Carlos?" Logan asked, concern evident in his voice. It was obvious his friend had been crying.

Carlos sat up against his pillows and wiped at his tears. He shook his head and spoke with a broken voice. "Logan, how can I be alright? How can _any of us _be alright? James is going through hell, and all we can do is stand by and watch. James isn't the same anymore, and he never will be, and I _hate _that, so no, I am not _alright."_

Logan frowned and turned to Kendall. "He broke down almost an hour ago," the blond informed him.

"_He _can hear you, and _he _can speak for himself."

Both Logan and Kendall were slightly shocked at the acidity in Carlos' voice. Yes, he was miles past angry, they got that, they all were, but Carlos had _never _spoken to them in that tone before. But they chose not to say anything. They understood. How could they not? This was by far the worst thing they had ever gone through. A _death threat? _Nothing topped that.

The boys were quiet for a moment, not in the mood for apologies. So they sat in the dark room in silence, the only sound, and quite a reassuring one at that, was James' soft breathing. They listened to it, taking in the fact that there was a chance that breathing was something he, maybe even all of them, wouldn't be doing in less than a week. It wasn't a very comforting thought.

Finally, Kendall broke the silence. "How long has he been asleep?"

Logan looked up from his hands and glanced over at the sleeping form of James. "About an hour. We were talking and he just dozed off. That's good though. He really needs the rest."

Logan paused, thoughtful for a moment. "Where were you for the past three hours?" he questioned the blond. Logan felt Kendall tense next to him, and he automatically thought the worst. _What _more _trouble has Kendall gotten into?_

"I just went for a walk in the park."

"For three hours?" Logan scoffed skeptically.

"I had to cool off, okay? Would you get off my back?"

Now Logan tensed, angrily. Was Kendall _seriously _trying to pick a fight? _Now?_

"Kendall, just tell me where you were. I have a right to know."

Now Kendall's tone took on a slight hint of disbelief, mixing in with the spite that already existed there. "No you don't! It's none of your business where I was, and you know it!"

"Kendall..." Carlos' meek voice suddenly piped up. He sounded so upset and afraid that Kendall tried to calm himself down, for Carlos' sake. "Kendall, please, Logan's not trying to invade your privacy or anything, he just wants to know..."

Kendall sighed. Carlos was right. Again. "Look, guys, Logan, I'm sorry. This is just...so much. I mean, look at us. We're _all _fighting and uncertain and we're...we're just a mess. One big, giant, seriously messed up family. And there's nothing we can do. The freaking cops won't even help!" Kendall spat out the last sentence with pure malice coating his words.

"I still don't understand that," Logan muttered quietly, trying to actually be mindful of his unfortunate friend in the other bed. "I mean, I understand why they can't just arrest Dr. Clark right off based on verbal explanation and no physical evidence, but...I can't _believe _it. I mean, would anyone _really _make something like this up? No. It just... God, it really pisses me off!"

And while Logan had at first been trying to keep his voice down, he was shouting louder than Kendall by the end of his rant. All three heads of the awake boys snapped to the sleeping one when he began to moan and stir in his sleep.

James flipped onto his back, then twisted into an uncomfortable looking position on his side, restless. His face no longer held the peaceful visage it had earlier when he'd first fallen asleep.

"No, please, not them... Just shoot me..."

A loud gasp escaped Carlos' mouth, and he turned to gape at Logan and Kendall with full-fledged panic in his wide, horrified eyes.

Kendall glanced sharply at Logan and the genius swallowed hard. It was just a dream. Maybe James wouldn't...

But he would. It was _James. _There was no way he'd let his friends get hurt over him.

"Oh my God..." Logan didn't even register the words slipping past unbated lips. Even in sleep, James wasn't safe.

* * *

><p><em>James yawned, rolling onto his back and stretching his arms high over his head before he opened his eyes. He sat up and patted at his hair, knowing he was sure to have major bedhead. He seemed to recall tossing and lot in his sleep. And...had there been a nightmare? He couldn't remember. Regardless, he felt like he hadn't slept a wink. And not just last night. In weeks. He wondered if he'd feel the smallest bit rejuvenated if he slept the next month solid. He didn't think so.<em>

_James sat up and glanced across the room at Carlos' bed. Empty. Not surprising. Carlos wasn't one for sleeping past the first light. _

_Yawning again, in dire need to get the oxygen to his brain to help him wake up and shake the groggy feeling, James rolled out of bed and grabbed his lucky comb from his bedside table. He headed for the door. Of course, the very first thing he'd have to do was go in the bathroom to fix his hair. Great hair was the number one important thing to do as soon as you wake up every morning. That and brush your teeth._

_James ran his fingers carefully along the teeth of his shiny black comb as he stumbled down the hall. His mind was still clouded, and he felt almost dizzy from lack of sleep. He supposed he'd just have to get used to it; he'd surely be having nightmares about guns and evil laughing doctors for a while. If he even lived a while, that was._

_James rounded the corner that led to the kitchen and living room area of the apartment. He froze. His eyes grew to an impossible diameter as they stared at the scene before him in despair and disbelief. _

No. No no no. _This wasn't happening. He was still asleep, still dreaming- no, still being tormented by a nightmare. _

_But he could see the fear in the desperate eyes of his friends, he could _feel _their helplessness from across the room, and he knew it was real. _

_Dr. Clark stood in front of them as they sat on the orange couch, trying to keep as still as possible. He had a gun pointed at them. He hadn't seen James yet._

_James panicked. What should he do? Should he hide in his room and call 911? No, no way he was leaving his friends like that. Should he try and fight Dr. Clark? Would he be able to take him? James was by no means weak, but Dr. Clark was older and he was solid, too. He'd easily over power James. Not to mention the fact the he, uh, _had a gun!

_But it didn't really matter _what _James would have ultimately done, because Dr. Clark suddenly turned around and saw him-not just saw him, but_ lookedright at him_, grinning dementedly, and all at once James couldn't breathe. _

"_Well, well. Looks like somebody decided to come and watch. How nice of you, James. I'm sure your friends will be glad that you witnessed their murder. We wouldn't want what happened to them be a mystery, now would we?" And the idiot laughed as if it was funny. _

"_Come here, James," he ordered, beckoning James forward by motioning with the gun. By now James was trembling and ghostly white, practically translucent. He immediately complied, fearing a bloody mess if he didn't. _

"_This is all your fault, you know," Dr. Clark rambled, his tone even, as if he was having a normal conversation with James and not pointing a gun nonchalantly at his friends, as if holding the lives of teenagers in his hands was an every day occurrence for him. _

_James didn't answer. Dr. Clark didn't seem to mind._

"_If you would have just stayed with Hawk the first time, none of this would be happening. A _three record deal, _he gave you, and you turned your back on him faster than you did your friends. You can't blame the guy for being a little...ticked."_

_James wanted to laugh. Almost did. _Ticked? _Ticked was what you feel when someone tells on you when they promised not to. _Ticked _wasn't hiring someone to kill the talent of your nemesis. Hawk was beyond vengeful. The only word James could think of that described it was full blown insanity. Hawk was insane, and that was that. It was a known fact._

_But _this? _Sending a psychopath after them, to do the dirty work for him? James didn't know _what _it was. It certainly wasn't human, that was for sure. _

_Still James said nothing. He trembled violently beside Dr. Clark, and standing so close to the heinous man made him feel sick. _

"_I want you to do something for me, James," Dr. Clark continued, and the fake cheeriness in his voice made James want to grab the gun from his hand and just end it. James decided right then and there; he'd be the one to kill Dr. Clark._

_But it didn't look like that was happening any time soon. Dr. Clark pulled something from his back pocket, and James twitched nervously when he saw what the object was. The glint of a silver blade caught his eye. A _knife.

_Three gasps echoed each other from the couch, and the next thing James knew, Dr. Clark was standing behind him with the gun still trained on his his three hopeless friends, but there was one major difference now. The knife was pressed against the delicate flesh of his neck. _

"_James, no, _don't touch him!" _James wasn't sure which of his friends had screamed that, but James wished whoever it was would shut up. Angering Dr. Clark was not going to help anything._

_At the outburst, James felt the sharp edge of the blade press down just a little harder. An involuntary tear rolled down his cheek. He would have thrown up had he not been so utterly afraid for his life to move._

"_This is what I want you to do, James," Dr. Clark whispered, his mouth just a fraction of an inch from James' ear. His throat bobbed with a suppressed sob, and it took him everything he had not to flinch and cause himself more pain and danger as the blade dug deeper._

_Suddenly the gun was in James' hands. He would have been confused had his fear not been unable to be dominated by any other emotion._

_Before Dr. Clark even said it, James knew what was expected of him, and he gasped, not even caring that it caused the knife the draw the first blood. He hardly felt the burning sting. The pain, no, the _agony _he would cause himself in a moment if he did what he knew Dr. Clark was about to force him to do would hurt far more than a nicked neck. _

"_Ah, yes. You already know, don't you?"_

"_No," James moaned. He felt the bile at the back of his throat. His couldn't see clearly. He couldn't feel the floor beneath his feet. This couldn't be real, it wasn't happening, no, no, no, wake up..._

"_You are going to shoot them. And then I will kill you, slowly and painfully. I will drag it out for as long as possible. You will _beg _me to die quickly. But it will be no use. You're a stupid, pathetic child. You deserve this. You don't even care about your friends, remember? You left them, turned your back on them, fought them when they were trying to help you. Would a _true _friend do that?"_

_James didn't answer. He knew it was rhetorical._

"_Alright, enough chit-chat. Just aim and pull the trigger. It's that easy. You only have to move one finger. It isn't that hard."_

_James' knees nearly gave out. He caught himself before he could be decapitated. The tears were streaming heavily down his face now, blurring his vision. He moaned again. He couldn't do this. He _wouldn't. _He would rather die than shoot his own friends._

"_No, please, not them..." he pleaded in a final act of desperation. Maybe if he annoyed Dr. Clark enough, he'd just kill him right then and there._

"_Shoot me instead."_

_James could feel Dr. Clark shaking behind him as he laughed. "Please, boy. Do you really think I'd make it that easy for you? Of course I want you dead. Hawk wants you dead. And believe me when I say I _will _kill you. But you need to be tortured first." _

_The knife was suddenly pushing against his neck so hard that James didn't dare breathe. He could feel warm blood already pouring down his neck. He closed his eyes. _

Do it, _he thought silently. _Just kill me. Don't make me do this.

"_Do it now!" Dr. Clark roared, his patience no longer existent. _

_James sobbed wildly. He couldn't stand here like this forever. If he didn't do it, Dr. Clark would. _

_James let his eyes fall on his friends. They were terrified, of course, but there was something in their eyes...they were telling him it was okay. Telling him to just do it. James wanted to scream. He wasn't going to! _

"_Fine, you little prick, I'll do it myself! But mark my words; you are going to have the most painful death you can imagine."_

_The knife was removed from James' throat, the gun was ripped from his unsteady hand, and then there was a throbbing pain in the back of his head. Dr. Clark released James, and he tilted to the side, his vision dimming. James felt himself hit the ground hard. He heard multiple voices calling his name, three maybe. He wanted to answer them, but he didn't know what to say. Besides, he was too tired to open his eyes. So incredibly tired..._

_Just as he was about to lose his grasp on consciousness, he heard a loud cross between and _crack _and a _bang.

_A gunshot._

The loud noise awoke James, and he sat up, not noticing how soft the floor suddenly was, and then he attacked.

He lunged, throwing himself at Dr. Clark, fists flailing, screaming his head off.

"YOU BASTARD! YOU SICK BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU? !"

"Whoa, hey, hey, James calm down, man!"

"NO! YOU _KILLED _THEM, YOU SON-Of-A-BITCH! YOU'RE GOING TO _PAY!"_

James squirmed as his arms were pinned to his sides. He released a high-pitched, bone-chilling scream, but his captor didn't let go.

"James, it's us, wake up, man! It's me, Logan! You're okay, James, _please!"_

James heard the voice, but it couldn't be real, could it? No, of course not, his mind was playing tricks on him, trying to convince him that Logan was still alive. But wait. Maybe he was. There had only been one gunshot. He had three friends sitting on that couch.

But then who...

James slowly opened his eyes apprehensively. He didn't want to see who _was _dead. Which one of them had been killed?

James looked around and gasped.

"You-you're _all _alive?"

Logan, Kendall, and Carlos. And Mrs. Knight and Katie, but James hadn't seen them yet.

"Yes, James, we're alive. We're fine. It was just a dream. Just a dream."

"Just a dream..." James whispered dazedly. It was then that he realized he was indeed sitting up in his bed, drenched in sweat, and quivering so hard his bed shook. His face was wet, and James knew he was crying. And he didn't care.

He noticed next that Carlos was rubbing his jaw and cheek.

"Carlos..." James remembered fighting, lashing out and punching. Oh God...

Carlos looked at James with sorrowful eyes. "It's okay, Jamie. It wasn't your fault. I'm not mad. I just need to know you're okay."

James buried his face in his hands. He felt someone else's rubbing his back, his shoulder, gently stroking his hair.

And then he heard Mrs. Knight's soft voice.

"James, sweetie, can you look at me?"

James shook his head.

"Please. I just want to help you."

Now James did raise his head, not because Mrs. Knight had asked nicely, but to shout at her.

"How can you possibly help me? !" he shrieked, and he didn't care if he got in trouble. It just didn't matter. He had worse things to worry about, far deeper trouble he needed to dig himself out of.

"What can any of you do for me? There's nothing! I'm screwed no matter what! So no, I'm not okay!"

Nobody was surprised by James' outburst, but it didn't stop all their hearts from growing heavy, threatening to break apart. Their fears had just been confirmed. James was broken, and, no matter how hard they tried, there would be no putting him back together. There'd always be a small piece missing. And that meant that there would always be a small part of them missing, too.

"What time is it?" James asked softly. His sudden change in tone startled everyone for a moment, but they reminded themselves that James did that now.

It was strange that it had been almost six months and they still weren't used to James' occasional mood swings that he still had despite there having had been no more issue with his medication. He was over feeling, as he'd once put it, insane.

But then there was this whole dilemma. The poor guy couldn't catch a break. Just as he'd started feeling better about everything, he had a reason to hate the world again. It seemed like life was determined to keep him down; it had knocked him flat on his ass so many times already, but he'd been successful in rebelling each time. Now, though, as much as it hurt to think, seemed like it would be different. They just all felt so certain that James _wouldn't _bounce back for once. It was a difficult thought to process.

"Almost midnight," Mrs. Knight finally answered. She cautiously reached forward and pushed James' hair back from his forehead. He didn't even try to flinch away. He was exhausted. However, at the same time, he was disappointed that it was only midnight. That meant it wasn't morning, obviously, not time to get up, which meant he'd have to go back to sleep for several hours, and while he knew he needed sleep, while he _craved _it, he knew he wouldn't be able to. Sure, he'd fall asleep no problem, at this point he was so tired he felt like everything was happening in slow motion, but he didn't _want _to sleep because he knew the nightmare would return.

"You need to sleep," Logan commented, as if he was suddenly telepathic and had read James' mind. "Look, we...we need to talk about this in the morning."

"I know." James spoke quietly, but there was a hard edge to his voice, the cue for everyone else to leave him alone.

Kendall patted James' shoulder a final time before he, his mother, Katie, and Logan left to go back to their own rooms.

After a silent moment of staring into the darkness and James wondering if he should let him fall asleep or not, Carlos spoke up.

"James?" he began in a voice just above a whisper.

"Yeah, Carlos?"

Carlos hesitated a moment. He didn't want to say the wrong thing and get James mad at him. It wasn't a feeling he like, being afraid of his best friend. Or, not necessarily of _James, _but of angering him. Angry James was scary James, plus Carlos didn't want to make him feel any worse.

"Um, i-if you don't want to go back to sleep, I'll stay up and talk with you."

When James didn't answer right away, Carlos assumed he had offended him by somehow implying that James was a wimp. That hadn't been what Carlos was getting at at all. It was just that Carlos knew the reluctance of going back to sleep after waking form a terrible nightmare.

Unknown to Carlos, however, James was smiling. That was so typical Carlos, just wanting everyone to be happy and comfortable. It was one of the things that made Carlos so irresistibly loveable.

But James didn't want Carlos to know just how scared he was. So he responded, in a light, casual voice, "Thanks, Carlitos, but Logan's right. I'm wrecked. I really need to get some sleep."

"Oh. Alright then. Well, I hope you sleep well."

"Thanks, Carlos."

"Goodnight, James."

"Night."

Carlos was snoring softly within a mere few minutes, and James wondered if maybe he should have accepted the offer to stay up and talk with Carlos. But what was there to talk about? The only possible topics James could think of were ones he never wanted to discuss again, the ones that had been talked to death already but always found their way into s new discussion practically every day. Discussions about _him _and everything that was going wrong in his life. James already thought about it 24/7, why would he want to continue talking about it?

Laying awake by himself really gave James a chance to think about this new conflict. He'd wanted to go back to Dr. Clark's office so that he could attain the required evidence so that this horrendous man would never see the outside of cell walls again, but the more James thought about it, the less he wanted to go. He knew Dr. Clark would find him and kill him if he didn't go. But the thought of being alone in that room with _that man, _gushing to him very personal information about his friends that would end their careersturned James' stomach and made his head spin.

James rolled over onto his stomach and buried his face in his pillow, desperately trying to hold back the tears that burned his eyes and threatened to spill over. How was it fair for him to have to make such a decision? All he'd been doing was trying to live his relatively new, exciting life, the one he'd always dreamed of. But then he'd gone and flipped out and got bipolar disorder. Okay, so it hadn't happened quite like that. James knew it wasn't something controllable. But this whole thing had started with this stupid disorder.

James by now had gotten used to having to to try a little bit harder to keep his emotions in check, had gotten used to taking a little tablet to help with that every morning. But now that James thought about it, he realized; he was mad.

This stupid god damn disorder was ruining his life. If he hadn't been diagnosed with it, he never would have gone to Hawk, never would have tried to kill himself, and he never would have had to go to Dr. Clark. Bipolar disorder was a killer.

James squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his teeth together in a futile attempt to keep holding the tears at bay. Crying was useless. It didn't help anything. Crying didn't make the pain go away, didn't make the disorder go away, and it wouldn't make heartless Dr. Clark have a sudden bout of compassion.

But James couldn't hold back any longer. His pillow quickly became wet with the tears. James didn't care how weak crying made him feel. Didn't care that that was practically all he'd been doing all day. Because when he got right down to it, crying was the only thing he _could _do.

Unfortunately, ll the crying was taking its toll on James; it wiped him completely out, making him feel even more utterly exhausted.

Maybe there wouldn't be another nightmare. And maybe once he slept his mind would be sharper, and he could think this through more thoroughly. He knew he was his friends were going to have a major discussion about this tomorrow; he needed to be alert and aware.

So, at long last, James let himself be taken away by the emptiness of sleep, his last thought that of praying for a peaceful one.

* * *

><p>Hawk wasn't one to forgive easily. Holding grudges was his thing. He'd been holding one against Gustavo for nearly twenty years!<p>

So, naturally, he hadn't been too happy when he'd woken up in his office, slumped over in his chair, his head resting in a puddle of semi-dried blood that pooled over the surface of his desk.

Kendall Knight always had had a temper. But so had Hawk. That and a history of revenge.

Utterly enraged, Hawk yanked his phone off the receiver and dialed. He nearly crushed it in his tightly clenched fist. Kendall Knight was going to pay for what he did. And Hawk knew just what to do to make not only him, but his pathetic little followers suffer.

* * *

><p>Dr. Clark wasn't sure if he should feel excited or nervous when he saw that the caller ID read 'Hawk Records'.<p>

Regardless, he picked up the receiver. "Yes, Boss?"

Hawk spoke lowly, fury evident in his voice, but Dr. Clark also picked up on the note of enticement. As soon as he heard what the other man had to say, he knew why.

"Yes, Boss. Of course. It would be my pleasure."

Dr. Clark waited until he heard the _click _from the other end before he hung up the phone. A slow, sinister grin broke out on his darkened face. This was going to be fun.

* * *

><p><strong>Wow, I got really cheesy there with the whole missing pieces part. Ugh.<strong>

**What did Hawk tell Dr. Clark to do? Something bad, no doubt. **

**Oh no, did Kendall make things worse last chapter?...**

**Next chapter will be less talking and thinking, more action!**


	29. Ultimatum

**OMG! I heard BTR on the radio for the first time today! FINALLY! It was Music Sounds Better With You on 95.5. I was so excited that I blasted the radio as loud as it goes, and it's a pretty dang loud radio! And since I only recently got my G1, my parents don't like me to have the radio loud when I'm driving, so I made my dad sit in the parking lot for three minutes while the song went on. I am so proud of how far these boys have gotten!**

**Sorry for any mistakes in this chapter. It's one in the morning on a school night and a long chap to look over. :p Yes, this is the longest chapter yet. Almost seven thousand words. :)**

Breakdown

Chapter 29: Ultimatum

Ultimatum: a demand whose fulfillment is requested in a specified period of time and which is backed up by a threat to be followed through in case of noncompliance.

Yes, James was definitely facing an ultimatum.

He sat on the orange couch with everyone else minus Katie, who was down at the pool with her self-proclaimed 'guy friend and _nothing _more', Kyle, so she wouldn't have to hear this. The rest of them were heatedly debating intently over whether or not James should go to his next 'counseling' session to get the evidence. Reason upon reason was thrown out there as to why he _shouldn't. _But everyone also seemed convinced that it was truly the only way to end this. They'd only been discussing for nearly forty-five minutes, and several fights had broken out and everyone was feeling very frustrated, stressed, and defeated.

So far they were indecisive. All the same arguments they had been going through kept popping back up: He _should _go so that James could record the proof and nobody would die _or _see that creep for the rest of his sorry, miserable life.

He _shouldn't _go because it was obvious that Dr. Clark was absolutely insane, and there was no telling what he would do even if James did bring him the information.

James was sure it didn't matter what he did; he'd die before he got the chance to decide if his head exploded like he was certain it was going to.

He'd thought the possibilities that were being mentioned to death, but every time the same one was brought up for the second, third, fourth time, he kept reconsidering. The arguments were strong for both sides. And he was fairly sure he knew which way he was leaning towards. It was everyone else that couldn't stick to one decision.

Not the it mattered what they ultimately chose. It was James' choice in the end. He would do whatever he wanted to do. He just didn't want to anger anyone by telling them that he wanted to go when they didn't want him to.

Yes, James had decided. Go. He was for it. It was the most difficult decision he'd ever made, literally a life-and-death one, but he knew it was the right one. Dr. Clark belonged behind bars and nowhere else, and this was the only way to get him there.

So James spoke up.

"I've decided," he announced.

"But we aren't done going through-"

"_Yes, _we are," James cut Logan off harshly. "We aren't getting anywhere repeating the same things over and over. We need- actually, no, _I _need to decide already, and I have."

Kendall knew what James was going to say, and he glared at him. James saw the dark look he was receiving, but he ignored it. Again, it was _his _choice, not Kendall's, or anyone else's for that matter.

"I'm going," he declared.

Kendall stood abruptly, staring James down. "No, you aren't," he growled lowly. He tried to sound menacing, and judging by the expressions on Logan and Carlos' face, he'd succeeded. But James wasn't one to intimidate. He didn't back down. He just returned Kendall's icy glare with an equivalently ominous one.

"Are you going to stop me?" he shot back darkly.

"You bet I am."

And just as James was about to throw the first punch, Mrs. Knight stepped between the two steaming boys, her hands pressing against both of their chests to keep them apart. She glanced between them.

"Boys, this is no time to fight! We need to be supporting James' decision. It _is _his, Kendall."

She gave her son a knowing look. No matter what she said, he would still fight. But if James was okay with going back, then she wasn't going to stand in his way. She was just going to do everything she could to make sure he stayed safe.

"Kendall, you don't understand where James is coming from. If it were you in this situation, wouldn't you want to decide for yourself, not do what someone else wants you to do?"

"If that someone else was thinking of my best interests, then I would at least _listen _to their opinion!"

"I've been listening to _all _of your opinions for the past hour!" James retorted. He was getting fed up with Kendall trying to get his way. This wasn't even something they should be arguing!

"And I _have _taken everything that's been said into consideration, and guess what? _I _decided what _I _want to do. What I _am _going to do. And there's _nothing _you can do to stop me, Kendall!"

James whirled furiously, about to head to his room so he could cool off before he did something he'd regret, but Kendall's shouting voice stopped him dead.

"He'll kill you if you go!"

James did not look impressed when he turned back around to face them. He looked even angrier than before. He took two big steps and was right in Kendall's face.

"Open your freaking eyes, Kendall! Hell kill me if I _don't _go. And he'll get away with doing this to other people. Other _innocent _people who are fooled into thinking they can _trust _this guy! And I can't let that happen! I _won't _let it happen!"

Kendall, surprisingly, kept his composure. He was right on the verge of snapping, but one thing kept him under control. Just barely. It was the guilt weighing down on him, the self-conviction that if something did go wrong, it would be his fault, and he just _had _to tell them...

"I might have made things worse," he blurted out impulsively. He regretted his outburst for just half a second, but he quickly got over it. James deserved to know. And Kendall deserved whatever he had coming to him because of it.

James' eyes attained an element of confusion and surprise. What did Kendall mean by that exactly? _What had he done?_

Kendall refused to look anywhere but directly at James. This was about him, not anyone else. Just him.

"W-what do you mean?" James' anxiety was unmasked with the question, and Kendall sucked in a deep breath, willing himself not to feel nervous. He didn't get to. He'd done something horribly bad, well, maybe. It had felt so _good _when he'd done it, but now he was worrying that it would only make this whole predicament worse in the near future. Namely, next Tuesday.

"Kendall..."

"I- I let Hawk know how I felt about what he's doing. I didn't hold back. I let him have it. And you know what? I was glad I did. It felt great, giving that sick bastard what he's had coming to him ever since we came out to LA. But this time he went too far. _Way _too far. So I did what I did and I just didn't _care." _Kendall slowly shook his head, wanting so badly to look away from James' pain-filled eyes. But he just couldn't.

"But now...we all know how Hawk's mind works. I might have made everything worse-"

"That's right, you made things worse!" James screeched suddenly, and Kendall jerked backwards, shocked. He shouldn't have been, really, because he would be beyond pissed, too, if he was James, but James had been looking so hurt and lost just a moment ago, but now here he was raging, his arms flailing in wild gestures, measuring Kendall up with a deathly glare.

"Hawk probably wants me dead more now than ever! How could you _do _this to me? ! God damnit, Kendall, do you _want _Hawk to have more reason to hate us? ! You freaking idiot, do you ever _think_ about consequences? You careless, stupid son-of-a-fu-"

"Hey, _hey, _HEY!" Mrs. Knight stepped in again, literally screaming to be heard over the two fuming boys. Carlos and Logan stayed out of it, shrinking back into the couch in the hopes that neither James nor Kendall would somehow bring them into this.

"Boys, how many times have I said that fighting like this isn't going to solve anything? !"

Neither teen answered. They only each shoved their hands roughly through their hair, disheveling it, then, upon realizing they were performing the same action, dropped their hands quickly to their sides.

Mrs. Knight sighed exasperatedly, glad to be heard...for the moment, at least.

"Boys, listen. This is a very important decision. Every possibility has a pro and a con. _But," _she added, turning to her son. "This is James' decision. He wants to go. And I am going to support his choice."

"But Mom-"

"Ah ah!" She waggled a finger at Kendall. "Not a word. I know you're only looking out for James. You want him to be safe, that's why you're fighting him. You think it's safer if he doesn't go. But James has a very valid point, too, and you can't ignore that, Kendall. If Dr. Clark isn't stopped now, he may never be."

Kendall didn't say a word. He _knew _all of that. He _knew _this was a golden opportunity to reveal to the police what a monster Dr. Clark was, but James just wasn't _safe _alone with him, and that was that.

"And also, mister," his mother continued, and he winced at the bitterness in her tone. He knew what was next.

"You did _what _to Hawk? Kendall, I _know _how angry you feel. I feel it, too. The man is despicable, and while yes, he deserves _worse _than what you gave him, that wasn't something you thought through, was it?"

Kendall but back a sarcastic retort. _Oh yeah Mom, I planned the whole thing. Every right hook was thought about intensely for an entire day. I only found out that Hawk did what he did an hour before _I _did what _I _did. Oh, and I also knew exactly what Hawk would do the defend himself. That made it all the more easy._

But Kendall knew his mother didn't expect an answer. She already knew what it was.

She shook her head slowly. "Oh, Kendall. You're always trying to protect everyone. But you never stop to consider the consequences. I kills me to say it, but chances are you only made Hawk angrier, which in the long run means even more vengeful."

That was the last thing Kendall wanted and needed to hear. He _knew _all of that already, damn it!

"Mom!" he exploded, and his mother's eyes widened in surprise. Her son, in all his seventeen years of life, had _never _yelled at her. "Would you stop talking to me like I'm freaking five? ! I know I screwed up,okay, I _know! _I don't need you telling me that! I know I'm a horrible friend and that I'm reckless and impulsive, okay? ! But don't _tell _me everything that's wrong with me when I already know! Do you think I _meant _to potentially make things worse? All I want is for James to come out of this _alive!"_

He stopped his rant before he started crying. He had to be the strong one. He couldn't break down. Not in front of them. Not even when he was alone. He'd already shown weakness by going after Hawk, a lack of control; he didn't need them thinking he wasn't stable.

Jennifer was feeling the same way. She wanted to just put her face in her hands and cry for all she was worth. But she was the adult here; she had to keep everyone else together when they were falling apart. Crying and giving up wasn't something any of them should even consider resorting to. They needed to stay focused; needed to plan out their next move. They needed to be level-headed to take Dr. Clark and all his hideous intentions down.

So, just barely, Jennifer Knight managed to hold herself together.

"I know, Kendall. We all do. And I'm not going to reprimand you for what you did, because right now we need to think about what this might do. You boys know Hawk better than I do. Would he really feel a greater need for revenge now?"

If they hadn't been so caught up in glaring at each other, Kendall and James would have processed Mrs. Knight's question and told her that there was no doubt about it. Of course he would. But they were still too heated up to pay attention to anything but each other.

Logan was the one to answer. "I know he would. _But _there _is _someone who knows him even better than..." Logan trailed off, paling at the sudden realization. "_Crap! _Gustavo! We haven't even called to let him know yet! Oh man, he is _not _going to take this well!"

"Couldn't take it any worse than the rest of us," James muttered blandly, still looking pointedly at Kendall.

Kendall scowled.

"I'll give him a call right now," Mrs. Knight offered. She shot her son one last look of disappointment, warned, "Don't get out of hand again, boys," and went off to deliver the call.

Logan began tugging at his hair. He couldn't help the small wave of guilt that washed over him. He was supposed to be the smart one. So why couldn't he find a different way out of this? He didn't want James to go back, either; none of them truly did. It was just the only way out as far as they could see. And that made Logan feel useless.

Carlos felt sad that this was happening to one of his brothers. He was just as angry as Kendall, as Logan and Mrs. Knight, even though they didn't show it. Even though Carlos was one of those people who only wants peace and happiness for everyone, he wouldn't have had a problem with seeing Clark and Hawk suffer. He was actually sort of proud of what Kendall had done. Sort of. If there wouldn't have been any consequences, Carlos might have even done it himself. But now seeing that Kendall may have made things worse with his actions, Carlos was glad he _hadn't _done it himself.

James and Kendall, meanwhile, continued to glare at each other. They weren't even thinking about everything that was going on. It was like they had forgotten why they were mad at each other in the first place. They were just _mad. _That was it.

Despite all of his anger towards Kendall, James was perfectly content keeping his mouth shut. Kendall, however, wasn't.

"I can't believe how stupid you're being," he grumbled, not removing his eyes from James'. He watched as James' scowl deepened. At that point, Kendall didn't care if James tried anything on him. With the state James was in, Kendall could take him down no problem. Not that Kendall _wanted _to hurt James. Even though he was furious beyond explanation, Kendall really just wanted to see James smile once again. So why was he being such a dick? He just couldn't stop himself.

"Kendall, come on," Logan tried to reason. "Leave him alone. You know what's stupid? Exactly what you're doing right now. Fighting. Making things worse. As if this isn't bad enough already. So would you _please _just _stop? _Don't even talk right now. I don't know if I can handle it."

Logan should have known that Kendall wouldn't listen to him even if he paid him to. Kendall was one of the most stubborn, opinionated people Logan knew, and challenging him like that? Never a smart idea.

Kendall scoffed. Was Logan _serious? _"What, are you really mad at me for what I did? I was _protecting _James. I didn't see you or Carlos go running to his defense-"

"That wasn't _defense, _Kendall. That was impulsive behaviour. Unhelpful violence. I know how you were feeling. We're just as angry as you are. But that _wasn't _protecting James. You're mom is right. If anything, what you did only made Hawk even more angry and vengeful! God, don't you ever _think before you act?"_

Kendall had had enough. He was sick of people yelling at him for trying to do the right thing. In one swift motion, he had Logan pinned against the wall. The smart boy looked up at him with eyes filled with terror and hurt. Through the fear, they seemed to be asking Kendall if he was really going to do this.

Oh, he _was._

Kendall pulled back his fist and prepared to answer Logan's silent question with it. But just as he started to swing his fist forward, something grabbed it from behind and kept him from creating a Logan's head-shaped dent in the wall. Kendall whirled around furiously to see who it was who had stopped him from pounding Logan's face in. Kendall let out a low, animal-like growl. Of course. _James._

Kendall yanked his hands free of the pretty boy's grip. "Get your hands off of me!" he snapped.

James wasn't fazed in the slightest. He regarded Kendall with a glower. "Keep _yours _off Logan!"

Kendall smirked, the cruel expression darkening his features. "Fine."

The next thing James knew, Kendall had _him _pressed up against the wall. The blond was doing a very good job of invading his personal space.

"_Better?" _Kendall hissed. He was mad.

But James was livid.

With unexpected strength, James broke free of Kendall's tight hold and shoved the blond away from him with all the force he could muster. The shocked blond stumbled back and tripped, landing hard on his butt. He sat there for a moment, stunned into a frozen state of silence. He counted to ten. He had hoped to calm himself down, but by the time he reached four, he was physically shaking with uncontrollable rage.

At two, he snapped.

Kendall was on his feet at one. He reached James in one giant step and extended his arms, fully intent on strangling some sense into the boy. His hands moved to wrap around the brunette's throat, but James ducked away and landed a blow to Kendall's temple that was enough to send his head reeling and the room spinning for a minute.

By the time Kendall had blinked the stars away, James was standing behind him, pinning both his arms behind his back. James kicked the back of Kendall's left knee, and the temperamental boy went down. He squirmed and flailed, struggling to release James' hold on him, but James was stronger than him, and he wasn't letting up.

"_GO TO HELL, DIAMOND!" _Kendall roared in a tone he'd never used before, not just on his friends, but on anyone.

Carlos gasped and flinched at the loud, threatening tone, but James remained unaffected by Kendall's struggles.

Kendall and James weren't going to stop fighting any time soon, and Carlos was on the verge of tears, and Mrs. Knight was God knows where on the phone with their manager, so Logan knew he had to step in and break it up. It was a scary thought. He didn't want his two friends to literally _kill _each other- it was bad enough having one man threatening to do so- but Logan also didn't want to get between to large, very angry, very unpredictable teens.

No matter how much he valued his life, he did it anyway.

Or at least, he was about to. Much to his immense relief, Mrs. Knight popped out of nowhere and in an instant had the two boys pried apart. Kendall rose slowly to his feet, trying not to let James see how shaken up he was. James was the scariest person Kendall knew when he was angry. Even more so than himself. And that was saying something.

But Kendall didn't have long to relish the feeling of safety. Not that any of them were safe at the moment... His mother started in.

"_Do you boys not understand the meaning of '__**Don't get out of hand**__? !" _She shrieked. "I walk away for less than _five minutes _to call your manager and tell him that his rival has someone out to _kill James and potentially all of us, _and I come back to find you boys trying to spare him the effort? ! The _last _thing you boys should be doing is letting your emotions get the best of you! I know you don't want to accept everything that's going on right now, but you have to if you want to get through it." Jennifer's voice softened substantially by the end of her scolding, but it still retained a hint of disappointment in them.

She shook her head. She was still having a hard time wrapping her head around all of this. She couldn't believe a free ride to fame had turned out so badly, especially after the smooth start they'd had.

But she knew _someone _had to hold it together, and that someone had to be her.

She pointed at one end of the orange couch and pushed James toward it. "You, _sit," _she ordered. Then she repeated the action with her own son, only to the other end of the vibrant sofa. "And _you, _have a seat."

Kendall grumbled under his breath as he sat down. His mother dismissed it.

"What am I going to do with you boys?" She wondered aloud as she began pacing in front of them.

Kendall shot a look at Carlos, while Logan and James exchanged confused frowns. She couldn't possibly mean punishment?

Mrs. Knight stopped her restless walking about and faced the four boys with her hands placed firmly on her hips. "You boys have been best friends since the third grade. Practically inseparable. You've always done anything and everything it took to protect each other, to help each other out, to make each other feel better, no matter the circumstances. Now you're being put through the worst thing any of you have ever experienced, and this is when you lose it? _Now _is the time you boys turn your backs on each other?"

Kendall opened his mouth to protest-

"_Not! _One word, young man."

-and decided against it.

"Now is the time to be strong, to be there for each other like you always have been after all these years. And by that, I don't mean going out and getting revenge on the person who did this to you."

Kendall hung his head in shame.

"I _mean, _by standing beside each other through it all, until the very end, and after that. By not letting each other fall. You boys need to stay united in order for this to turn out the way it should."

Logan and Carlos were nodding, feeling very tempted to burst into applause, but they knew that would ruin the sentimental moment Mrs. Knight was obviously- and successfully- going for.

James knew what she was saying. He agreed with it all. And he wished that Kendall _had _supported him, but not the way he had. What he had done was gone and let his rage take over. It was _for him, _yes, but it wasn't the best idea. Meanwhile, Logan and Carlos had sat with him while he cried and panicked, whispering soothing words to him and actually trying to plan this out instead of just taking meaningless action right off.

Despite all of that, though, James had to admit, he was touched by what Kendall had done. _For him. _Sure, it was stupid and reckless, not to mention quite possibly exacerbating, but it had also been _selfless _and Kendall's way of showing he _cared _more than James could fathom. Kendall had very well put himself in danger doing what he'd done, and for that, James was undeniably grateful, but underneath, he was still a bit frustrated; Kendall should have known better.

James blinked and snapped to awareness when he realized Mrs. Knight was speaking again.

"Gustavo said he'd call the police. I told him we already had and what they said, but he thinks that because he's a record producer he'll have some influence on them." She sighed and rubbed her temples, a headache forming. "Basically he just yelled and said Hawk won't get away with this. But he and I know he knows there's nothing else he can do." She sighed. She really didn't want to say what she was going to. "I hate to say this, but it's final. There's no more trying to dance around this."

"Mom, don't-" Kendall began. His mother's 'no nonsense' look had him shutting his mouth almost as soon as he'd opened it.

"I'm sorry, boys. James has to go back, or this will never end."

And that was that. There really was nothing else they could do. Mrs. Knight was right. They _had _been dancing around this. All of them except for James. They had all been searching fervently for another way out, while he had already accepted the fact that he was going to be going back in stride.

Just as that discernment had settled in, there was a knock on the door. Kendall stood up.

"That's Jo," he announced. "I promised her we'd hang out...before all of this came up."

His mother frowned. Even after what she'd said, he was still talking as though this was somehow James' fault. Or maybe he was just trying to mask his fear. Whatever it was, she wasn't going to tolerate it.

"Please tell her you're in the middle of something. You can see her...some other time."

Kendall gritted his teeth together as he turned away from his mother so that she wouldn't see the hostility written all over his face. _Like when? When this is all over? Everything would be different by the time it was over with._

Kendall nodded shortly and opened the door. He put on his best fake smile for his girlfriend.

"Hey Kendall," she greeted him jauntily, and he envied her smile and light air. _She _had no drama taking over the life of her and her friends. _She _didn't have to be so scared for the life of her best friend that she was forced to feign anger at him to keep him from knowing just how close she was to losing her mind, her sanity.

Kendall loved Jo, but at that moment, he couldn't hate her more.

"Look, I'm really busy. Something's come up and I can't hang out. Maybe next week?"

Jo's bright smile vanished in an instant. She wasn't sure whether she should be ticked or concerned. He'd sounded a little harsh, like he was trying to get rid of her, but she was still worried. Over his shoulder she could see everyone else currently residing in apartment 2J, save for Katie, staring at where she and Kendall stood, all looking antsy and nervous. She was a good person, and so she settled for concern.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. Everything's fine. But I really have to go. I'll text you."

Jo nodded. He was lying. Something was visibly bothering him. But she supposed it might be personal, or involving one or all of his friends, and she didn't want to get into their business, so she let it go. Maybe he'd tell her eventually.

"Yeah, okay. I understand. I hope everything...I'll just go."

"I'm sorry."

Jo stared into Kendall's shimmering green eyes. They weren't shimmering with the joyous light they normally maintained, but with repressed tears. Something was definitely up.

Going for an act of solace, Jo wrapped her arms around Kendall's neck and pulled his body against hers tightly. "It's okay," she whispered. "I'll wait for you."

Then she turned and left without a word. Or a kiss.

Kendall watched her retreat until she disappeared around the corner. She always understood, and she never judged. Should he have told her?

No. He'd already made things worse as it was; James certainly didn't want anyone to find out. Besides, what good could she do? The police wouldn't even help.

Kendall held back a sigh and closed the door. He turned to face the others, not bothering to go back over to the couch. He didn't want to be that close to anyone right then.

_Just in case._

Mrs. Knight nodded at him, a silent thank you, or maybe a silent _you did the right thing. _

Whatever.

"Could you run down to the pool and grab your sister?" She asked her son. "It's getting late."

Kendall didn't answer, only re-opened the door and shoved his hands in his pockets as he shuffled down the hall, glad to be away from all of them, even if only for a few minutes.

* * *

><p>Things calmed down and stayed that way for the rest of the night. At least until right before the boys headed off to bed.<p>

James passed by Kendall on his way to his and Carlos' room.

"Hey, I just thought of something you haven't," Kendall said snidely.

James whipped around to face him. "_What?" _he snapped back.

Kendall shot him a calculating look and shook his head, his features twisting up in disgust.

"You have to bring him information. About _us,_" he reminded James in a cold, hard tone.

James felt the blood drain from his face as he blinked at the other boy. _Oh, shit..._

Kendall now looked disapproving. So much for James having had thought this through. Kendall cocked his head to the side and with six small words, burst James' already weak, barely existent bubble of confidence.

"What are you going to say?"

* * *

><p>The rest of the week went by way too quickly for any of their likings. It seemed like only a day had gone by since they found out about Dr. Clark's intentions, and now here James was, feeling totally unprepared for what he was about to do even though he'd been psyching himself up for it for four days.<p>

It hadn't helped any that Kendall had been avoiding him all weekend plus yesterday. Gustavo had given them the past four days off. Actually, for once he wasn't even worried about the future of the band. Gustavo Rocque was actually _concerned _about his dogs.

Now here James was, getting ready to just do this thing. He had his cell phone set on record before he'd even entered the Self Health Center.

James felt his stomach twist nervously, and he swallowed down the urge to puke and book it out of there. He could do this; he _had _to do this. He was _James Diamond. _He was bold, he was determined, and he never backed down.

Nodding to himself, James entered the building, his friends and second mother by his side.

He knew what he had to do. Go in there, say what he had to say, get Dr. Clark to say something that would be evidence enough for the stupid cops, and make it out of there alive. He just had to act like this was any other session. Any session other than his last.

Right. What a cake walk that was going to be.

James felt the perspiration begin to trickle down his forehead and pop out on his hands as he took a seat in the waiting room and Mrs. Knight signed him in. He couldn't do this. Screw being a Diamond; he was scared. He started to feel lightheaded; dizzy despite sitting down. Maybe if he passed out he could get out of this. Go to the hospital instead and not have to worry for another week.

But James knew that wasn't an option. He was here; he was going through with it.

James was worried about something else too though. He'd had the nightmare again. The same one, every night. He knew it didn't make sense to have the same one, the one that took place in their apartment, when he was _here, _but he'd had it, and he hadn't been able to fall back asleep. He hadn't screamed for any of them, thankfully, and therefore he hadn't woken anybody. He was glad for that. But now he was utterly exhausted, having had only gotten about eight hours of sleep over the past three nights. He was worried he was going to allow his sleep-muddled mind to screw up, slip, expose him. Now even more pressure was bearing down on him.

James didn't have long to panic. Almost as soon as he'd sat down, the receptionist looked up.

"James Diamond, Dr. Clark can see you right away."

James' chest felt constricted. He was sure he would die right then and there from respiratory failure, because he just wasn't getting enough oxygen.

And then he felt a hand on his back, patting gently. He looked up and was shocked to see that it was Kendall standing behind him. The blond smiled weakly.

"You can do this, James," he whispered. "If it helps, remember that we are all right here, and we aren't going anywhere until you come out of that room with the proof."

James did his best to return the smile. His effort was in vain as his head spun again and his stomach lurched violently. He swallowed hard, closing his eyes, feeling Kendall's hand squeezing his shoulder softly.

James opened his eyes once the feeling had passed and this time somehow managed to return the small smile, even if his lips were quivering.

"I love you, James. Don't ever forget that. And I won't let anything happen to you. Ever."

James blinked away the tears that were now threatening to spill over and give him away. He nodded. "I know, Kendall," he whispered back. "Thank you."

Kendall hugged James briefly before letting him give Carlos and Logan a last look before he departed. They copied Kendall's actions, barely turning their lips up and nodding. It took all they had not to cry right there and drag James back home. But they didn't. They let him go, watching as he wandered down the hall to the right. He went by himself. Normally Dr. Clark came out and got him, but not today. It didn't take a genius to figure out why.

James still couldn't breathe as he made his way down the wide hall. He took notice for the first time of the other offices. They were all fairly close together; it gave him a tiny comfort in knowing that someone would more than likely hear him if he screamed. Then the thought of him having to scream dissipated that comfort.

At last James reached the third door on the left. Room 5. Dr. Clark's office. Now known to James as the hell hole. He took a deep breath, removing the invisible hand from his windpipe, and entered.

Dr. Clark sat at his desk, sorting through some papers. He didn't even glance up as James took a hesitant step in.

The door closed behind him, the soft _thud _sealing his fate. This was it. There was no turning back now.

Dr. Clark peered up from the papers he'd been sifting through and smiled at James; a warm smile. He looked like any ordinary man, maybe even a bit happier than most. It made James' skin crawl and tingle from his head to his toes. He tensed all of his muscles, desperate not to let Dr. Clark see how badly he was trembling.

And then he spoke. The vile, despicable man behind the desk opened his mouth and his voice seemed to seek resignation from the pale, panicky teen.

"Welcome back, James," Dr. Clark greeted, his disgustingly huge smile never faltering. "Have a seat."

James moved toward the chair on his side of the desk as sluggishly as possible, as if dragging this out was going to make Dr. Clark decide not to do this.

Finally James made it to the chair and slid slowly into it. He didn't relax, didn't lean back. He remained tense, siting up straight on the very edge of the chair should he need to make a run for it.

Dr. Clark leaned forward over his desk, folding his hands together atop the oak wood. He continued to drive James crazy by smiling that horribly average smile at him.

Dr. Clark looked James straight in the eye, and while his smile was seemingly open and friendly, the older man's eyes spoke a different story. They were dark and filled with an evil James could _feel. _

The so called 'doctor' opened his mouth and spoke once again, and James wanted to hurl all over his desk.

"Let's get started, shall we?"

* * *

><p><strong>Gah! I can't believe I decided to make Kendall be a huge jerk...again! He had no right to get mad like that, but guess what? I wanted him to! So...suck on that. ;)<strong>

**Random fact time! I have an annoyingly weird habit of typing the word 'the' when I mean to type 'to' so if you notice that anywhere...yeah. What can I say? Sorry, I guess.**

**James is back with evil Dr. Clark next chapter! What do you think will happen? !...**

**Just a warning, guys; The next chapter might take a little while to post because I have exams all this week plus I have big plans for next chapter, and I want it to be just perfect, and we all know that perfection takes time and dedication so...bear with me. But don't worry, I _won't _leave you guys hanging for three weeks again. And if I do, you can commence the tomato throwing. -_-**


	30. Hostage

**Yes! I am halfway through my senoir year of High School, and I finally broke past the hundred thousand word barrier! Time to celebrate with mega big time intensity!**

**And also time to thank my astounding reviews. Thanks more than you even know to each and every one of you. Your reviews are the fuel under my fire! Really, I would have quit this story a long time ago if it wasn't for you guys. RainTastesGood actually told me she loves my fic so much she'd print every chapter off and read it as a book...Probably the greatest review I've ever gotten. But all of them are so so motivating, and I smile every time I read them, old and new, so thanks again, and I LOVE YOU GUYS!**

**Warning: F bomb. Wasn't going to put one in this story, but it fit.**

**Sorry for any mistakes, I literally had no time to edit. I put this up with 10 minutes left on my laptop and no charger. Hope there's not too many!**

**Here ya go:**

Breakdown

Chapter 30: Hostage

"So...James Diamond. How have you been?"

Suddenly it was as if all of James' nerves had been yanked out of him. He was left feeling more angry than he ever had in his life. He wanted _so badly _it _hurt _to punch that creepy smile off the son-of-a-bitch's face. But James kept in control.

"Is that a joke?" he hissed lowly.

Dr. Clark cocked his to the side in a gesture of confusion. "I'm sorry?"

"Oh, you're _sorry. _You should be _more _than sorry!" James exploded. He gripped the edges of his chair so tightly his hands began to cramp. He hardly felt it.

"You've _ruined _my life, my career, and maybe even torn apart my friendship with the three guys who have been my best friends for _nine years! _They _hate _me because I'm keeping secrets from them at your expense! Do you have any idea how hard it was to have such a long, unbreakable friendship shatter in mere _minutes _like that because I'm keeping things from them? ! Because I'm making them talk about the things they don't want to talk about so that you can have what you want? ! It's _hell!" _

James was screaming so convincingly that for a moment he'd even tricked himself into thinking that everything he was saying was true. But of course it wasn't. It was all part of the plan. Make Dr. Clark think the boys of BTR were amidst a huge argument.

But Dr. Clark didn't look pleased. He just looked baffled.

"James...are you feeling alright today? Have you been getting a sufficient amount of sleep lately?"

James frowned. _What? _Where was this coming from? Why was Dr. Clark acting so...nice? It had James' head spinning even more than it already was.

"I- you _know _what I'm talking about. You- last session you..." James trailed off. He knew what he was trying to say; he just couldn't form the sentence in his mind. He was lost. What was going on?

Dr. Clark was peering closely at James with an expression of concern. But James could see right through it. He was feigning concern; the worried tone of his voice wasn't genuine. But _why? _What was the point? James knew what he was planning; what was Dr. Clark gaining by pretending to care? Some sick form of pleasure in seeing his victim squirm before they even got to the bad stuff?

"Have you been taking your medication?" Dr. Clark asked in a quiet voice. It made James want to scream. _I know what's going to happen in here in the next five minutes! Just get on with it! _

James was still far too bemused to come back with a snappy retort. He settled for a lame "Yes."

Dr. Clark nodded, leaning back in his chair. "I see," he said softly. _Again with the gentle voice! What's his game?_

"Maybe we should try something a little different today," he suggested, and James perked up. _Here we go._

"I'm going to need you to turn your cell phone off for this activity," Dr. Clark told James. James froze. He couldn't breathe again. _What? No, no. it needed to be on; it was his only shot at getting the police the proof!_

"Wh-why?" he stammered out, not even trying to hide his nerves.

"Well, we don't want any distractions. The main objective of this next exercise is to get you feeling completely calm and relaxed. I can tell you're feeling quite a bit stressed right now. So why don't you turn off your phone and hand it to me?"

James' hand went to his pocket. _Not a chance. _He needed to get Dr. Clark to say something, _anything _that would give him away before he could turn his phone off. So far he had nothing! He needed to convince Dr. Clark that there was no harm being done having his cell phone in his pocket.

"I don't think anyone's gonna try to text or call me. All my friends know I'm here and everyone else thinks I'm at rehearsal with the other guys." Another lie, obviously. But Dr. Clark really didn't need to know they were all here.

"I'm sorry, James, I just don't want to risk it. Please turn your cell phone off."

"It's off already anyway," James continued desperately. "I always turn it off before coming into...into _therapy." _He spat the last word with as much venom coating his voice as he could muster. Dr. Clark did not seem affected. James was starting to get pissed off. _Why the hell not?_

"Very well then. Please place you phone on my desk."

James gritted his teeth together. _He knew. _That was all the nervous teen could think. _Dr. Clark knows what I'm doing. That's why he doesn't want me to have my phone on or with me. That's why he isn't saying anything that will give him away. He _knows.

James felt like a giant block of ice had settled into his stomach. His entire body felt heavy and cold. He shivered. Was that a pre-death chill?

"My phone isn't _on. _Why can't I just keep it in my pocket?" he hissed. If there was a chance Dr. Clark didn't know what he was up to, which James was sure he did anyway, he wasn't going to blurt right out that yes, he _was _recording this conversation, and therefore he couldn't very well hand his phone over, now could he?

"James, please don't fight me. I just want to help you best I can. I wouldn't want anything to happen to you."

And there it was. He _did _know. Dr. Clark's voice may have remained steady with that last statement of his, but he let James know he meant business by the evil glint in his eye and the way he pulled his lips back like an angry dog about to attack.

James' breath hitched. Maybe he should just...but no! That would make coming back here pointless. Today was about exposing Dr. Clark, gathering the evidence required to bring him down. James wasn't going to give up that easily.

He held his ground, staring down the beyond nasty man sneering at him from behind his large oak wood desk. James wasn't going to let him look at anyone else like that. It ended here, today.

"You're not getting my phone," he insisted. Dr. Clark's left eye began to twitch, and James knew he had the man close enough to where he wanted him. If Dr. Clark didn't get the phone, he didn't get the information. If he tried to take the phone by force, he'd risk James escaping and releasing the recording to the police.

Nevertheless, Dr. Clark didn't appear to be too concerned. He merely opened a desk drawer, fished out a key, and opened another drawer. The one that contained it. The gun.

Dr. Clark calmly began inspecting the gun as James' cockiness faded. Dr. Clark didn't care if he got caught on the audio device. He'd simply kill James before he left the office. Yes, Dr. Clark was that cold-blooded. It didn't surprise James one bit.

"Would you rather just start the activity?" Dr. Clark asked, still saying nothing that could be used against him. He was being pretty quiet with the gun, too.

James eyed it warily. He blinked t he sweat that dripped from his forehead out of his eyes. He struggled to take in sufficient breaths. His stomach continued its relentless churning. He trembled harder. This was a mess. He didn't have _anything _useful and already his resolve was nearly shattered. What ever possessed him to make him think he could pull this off?

But James was strong. He was bold, he was confident, and he was driven. He had a task that needed to be completed, and he wasn't going to leave this office until it was.

So James straightened up in his seat and took on an arrogant smirk.

"Lets do it."

* * *

><p>James' phone lay on Dr. Clark's desk. He'd given it over to the gun-wielding man pretty quickly after he'd wordlessly threatened to shoot James' brains out. Now that it was no longer on record, Dr. Clark was <em>not <em>holding back with his words, and it didn't even matter. James had no way to get the evidence now, yet he was stuck here with Dr. Clark for the next hour- _if _Dr. Clark let him go when he was usually done. There was no stopping Dr. Clark from saying that he and James were having a real break through and the session ran a little long. James was his last patient of the day, after all.

"I heard what your little 'leader' did to my boss. He's pretty ignorant, that Kendall, isn't he? You've always thought so. Maybe there's something I can do to change that."

"Look, I have the information. I'm willing to give it to you. That's all this is about, isn't it?"

Dr. Clark chuckled darkly. It was a sound James was quickly getting sick of. "I'm afraid not, James. You see, Hawk doesn't like when people threaten him, and that's exactly what you're clueless little friend did. Needs to watch his temper, that one. You just never know when it'll get him or the people he cares about in trouble."

James ground his teeth together. He was _really _angry now. He didn't like any of what Dr. Clark was saying. The entire plan had failed. James just wanted to get out of there. But there was no escape, not with that gun having no trouble remaining pointed in his direction.

"Just listen to what I brought you. I'm doing what you told me to do. So after this, you can let me go, and you'll never hear anything good about us again. You and Hawk can celebrate the downfall of BTR like the psychopaths you are all you want. Just stick with the deal that _you _made and everything will go your way."

Dr. Clark seemed to consider for a moment. The room grew eerily quiet as the man behind the desk placed a hand dramatically to his chin and tilted his head at a slight angle. Then he suddenly sat up straight and snapped his fingers, startling the anxious James.

"Deal's off."

All colour drained from James' face as he stuttered out, "E-excuse me? You can't-"

"Hawk doesn't need any pathetic secrets to destroy Big Time Rush."

"Wh-what do you mean?"

There was that hideous laugh again. "I _mean, _James, that Hawk doesn't have to worry about getting Big Time Rush out of his way of there _is_ no Big Time Rush."

James' eyes snapped to the gleaming hunk of fatal metal in Dr. Clark's hand and stayed there.

"No..."

"But don't worry," Clark continued. "I'm not going to kill you."

James didn't relax in the slightest.

"Not right away, at least. I'm going to have a little fun first. _We're _going to have a little fun." He leaned in close to James again and spoke in a low, intimidating voice. "Are you ready for some fun?"

Without waiting for James to answer, Dr. Clark stood from his desk and began to pace. James was actually glad. He wasn't sure what he would have said. He wanted to stay bold, act like he wasn't afraid, but that was nearly impossible considering his chair was shaking from him trembling so hard. He was scared again. Maybe his nerves were messing with the bipolar part of him because he was going from angry to cocky to nervous to flat out terrified faster than his body could catch up to his mind when these changes occurred.

"I must admit, I was quite thrilled when Hawk called to tell me not to make it so easy for you. And all the pain you go through today can be blamed on your fearless leader. If he hadn't gotten involved, I would have just asked for the information and let you go on with your miserable life. But now...now I get to be creative. Now I get to have some fun. And once it's all over with, I get to kill you."

Dr. Clark moved around his desk so that he was on the same side as James. "I'm curious, though," he began, slowly circling around James' chair. "Had the situation with Kendall not occurred, if you _were _to simply give me the information and leave, would you have done it? Would you _really _have ruined the lives of your friends, just like that? Or would you have protected them, saved them their pride, and as a result, gotten yourself killed?" Dr. Clark finished his second loop around James and came to a stop in front of him. "Because, you see James, from what I've learned about you in our short month together, you're not the greatest friend. Sure, here you are in LA, sharing the spotlight with your friends when all you really wanted was to be famous. You never once thought about taking your friends along with you. Your dreams have always been selfish. And _that _leads me to wonder; how much do you _truly _value your friendship?"

James glared up at the man and tried not to let him see how scared he was. Fortunately- or, as little unfortunately as he could get in this situation, James didn't have to worry much about that. His lingering shock masked any of the other emotions he was feeling right then. Dr. Clark wasn't even giving him a chance. He was just going to kill him, right here, and then kill his friends without a moment's hesitation.

Dr. Clark spoke again. "I guess we'll never find out, will we?" And the next thing James knew, hot pain was erupting across his face as his cheek began to throb. He'd been hit.

Dr. Clark's face was right in his. "Wasn't that fun?" he cried, his eyes wide with a hungry, demented expression. He was _enjoying _this.

James turned his head away and didn't answer. Of course this wasn't fun. But he wasn't going to let himself utter a sound. If Dr. Clark was planning on killing him anyway, then he was getting _nothing_ out of him.

"No, huh?" Dr. Clark breathed. He stepped back and let his fist fly a second time. It connected with James' cheek again, and he nearly cried out at taking the hit to the same already sore spot. But he bit his lip, hard, and barely managed to hold back his shout of pain.

Dr. Clark was grinning manically, his features the epitome of excitement. It was absolutely sickening, how powerful and full of life committing an act this horrendous made him feel.

"Still not having a good time, are we? Well, don't you worry. I can do something about that."

And then he struck again.

* * *

><p>Carlos kicked his feet anxiously and gazed around the waiting area. His eyes scanned over the other people sitting in the uncomfortable chairs, and he felt a swell of envy. Maybe those people had some serious issues, but none of <em>them <em>had a friend who was quite possibly being put through hell right then. Their problems, whatever they were, seemed so unimportant to Carlos that he just wanted to scream at all of them to get over whatever it was that had them here.

But Carlos knew that wouldn't be right; it wouldn't be fair. These people were all worried about someone they loved, that was why they were here; just like he was, and Logan, and Kendall, and Katie and Mrs. Knight. And Carlos knew he wouldn't be too pleased if one of these strangers began to shout at him to go home because whatever he or his loved one was going through didn't matter. So Carlos held his tongue and resorted to widening his eyes as big as he could and staring at Logan.

The smart boy, of course, noticed this, and gave his antsy friend an exasperated look.

"Carlos, be patient. I know you hate waiting; we all do. But we still have to wait half an hour, so don't lose your patience already. It's gonna be fine. James is gonna walk outta there with the evidence, Clark and Hawk are going to get the life-long punishment they deserve, and we are going to work through whatever consequences this causes, and move on with our lives. We may lose our careers, but at least we're all going to come out of this alive."

Carlos pouted. He wanted to believe Logan, he really did, but it was hard to stay positive when his best friend and fellow Party King was alone with a very dangerous man right now. Naturally Carlos' mind was going to dig up all the negative possibilities, no matter how much he fought it.

"Logan's right, Carlos," Kendall chimed in. He regarded Carlos with a serious but soft stare. "You just need to have a little faith, and a lot of patience. We planned everything out. Soon this'll all be over and though it's gonna take some time to forget about- hell, James probably won't ever forget about it- this _will _end, and we'll finally be able to go back to normal. And if that means gathering stray shopping carts for minimum wage back in Minnesota, then so be it. Whatever it takes, we _are _going to get through this."  
><em>Ah, Kendall. I do always love your speeches. <em>

Yes, Carlos loved and respected everything Kendall had to say in a time of crisis, but he still didn't feel a hundred percent about this.

"I know we'll get through this. We always do," Carlos agreed. "But, this is different. Bigger. The worse thing that's ever happened. And what about when it _is _all over? Then what? James will still need help. This- well...the kind of help this was _supposed _to be," he spat venomously. "What then? You said it yourself, Kendall; James will never forget about this. He's never going to be able to trust again."

Logan and Kendall shared a slightly horrified look. Carlos was right. They hadn't thought about that. James was clearly going to need _proper _mental help after this, but how could he ever be expected to trust a therapist again?

Logan opened his mouth and closed it, not sure what to say. He gave Kendall a hopeless look before turning back to Carlos.

But the Latino suddenly had no interest in what either of his off guard friends had to say. He stood up. "I'm going to find the bathroom," he announced, and promptly walked away, leaving Kendall, Logan, and Katie to watch his retreating back while they suffered through the agony of worrisome waiting in silence.

Carlos was glad Mrs. Knight had gone outside to call Brooke. The mother had been alerted earlier in the week as to everything that was occurring, but she had been and was still currently on a business trip she couldn't get out of and wouldn't be back till the next day. If Kendall's mother had been inside when Carlos left to go to the 'bathroom', her motherly intuition would have told her instantly that Carlos was lying. He wasn't searching for the restroom. He was searching for _James' _room.

He couldn't explain it, even to himself, but he just _knew _that something wasn't right. It was like he and James shared some sort of special connection, and Carlos could _feel _James' distress. Carlos felt in the pit of his stomach that something had gone horribly wrong.

As he was soon to learn, that feeling in his stomach had been right. It was one of those rare times when Carlos was right about something. And it was the first time he wished he wasn't.

* * *

><p>"Ugh!"<p>

James wasn't even bothering with trying to hold back his cries anymore. His lip was split, his nose was broken, and his cheek was on fire. He also had a shallow cut on his temple from the sheer force of the impact of Dr. Clark's unrestrained fist slamming over and over again into his swollen, bruising face.

Dr. Clark stopped swinging his hands wildly for a moment, and James relished the momentary break. But it wasn't without pain. No, James was in tons of it. Even though it was just the neck up so far that had received the beating, his entire body throbbed and ached. He felt sick. And the worst part was that he was so exhausted from lack of sleep due to the nightmares that he was too weak to fight back, to think, to _try _to defend himself. Not that there was much he could do to protect himself from a _gun, _which he most certainly _hadn't _forgotten about.

James used this punch-free minute to roll onto his stomach and cough and spit blood onto the floor. But just because Dr. Clark wasn't abusing James with his hands didn't mean he couldn't still inflict mind-numbing pain on him. A foot slammed itself into James' stomach, and the teenager was left gasping and choking on the air that was caught in his throat and his own thick, coppery blood. The pool of crimson forming beneath his face was growing rapidly.

James moaned and pressed his forehead weakly against the cool tiled floor. Considering he was receiving kick after kick to his midsection, it didn't matter that the coldness of the floor helped soothe the burning sensation in his face. Now his cracking ribs screamed in protest, and James forgot all about his throbbing temple, jaw, nose, cheeks. The agony had consumed him completely now.

And then, suddenly, unexpectedly, the battering stopped. James could hear himself breathing heavily. He could feel the whimpers that built up in his throat and threatened to escape. But he didn't give Dr. Clark the satisfaction of seeing just how broken he truly was. James squeezed his eyes shut against the tears that burned his eyes and were ready to spill over.

Dr. Clark's sinister voice spoke from above him, and he sounded nauseatingly amused. "Well, well, well. Looks like someone wants to join us." He clicked his tongue distastefully. "That one just can't stop worrying, can he?"  
>James forced himself to push through the pain and roll over to his back to see what his torturer was talking about. Dr. Clark was looking at his laptop screen, which sat on his desk, facing them. James hadn't noticed it before, but now he could see the multiple smaller screens, displaying various locations within the building. <em>He had cameras everywhere. <em>

Dr. Clark pressed a button on the keyboard, and one of the camera angles became enlarged and took up the entire screen. James weakly lifted his head for a good look and his stomach dropped.

The screen showed the point of view of the camera that pointed at the door of Dr. Clark's office. Standing there, glancing left down the hall, then right, was none other than...Carlos.

Dr. Clark turned from his laptop, chuckling darkly. "Oh, this is perfect. The idiot- well, the _biggest _idiot of your group coming to your rescue. You told, didn't you?"

James refused to look away from Dr. Clark's cold, harsh eyes. _He wasn't scared, he wasn't scared, it didn't matter that he was laying half-conscious and bleeding all over himself on the floor, he wasn't scared..._

"Lucky for you it doesn't matter. I was going to kill you anyway. Don't get your hopes up. Still am. But wouldn't it be even _more _fun than this already is if I brought helmet-head in a gave him a little taste of what you're getting?"

James' eyes widened. _No. Not Carlos. _

He shook his head, ignoring the grenade-launching going on in there. "Don't even _think _about touching Carlos. Just kill me. I told. I deserve to die. Not him. Not any of them. Just _me."_

Dr. Clark smirked down at the bloodied, beaten boy. "I don't think you're the one who should be giving orders. Tell me, do you _feel _like you're in the position to be telling _me _what to do? Cause you sure as hell do _not _look it. So I advise you keep your mouth shut and let whatever happens next happen. It doesn't matter what you say; I'm still going to kill all of you."

James closed his eyes as Dr. Clark headed to the door, gun grasped purposefully in his hand, his finger over the trigger even though James knew he hadn't turned the safety off yet. Carlos didn't know that.

James heard the door open. He heard a soft gasp, and he heard "Welcome, Carlos!" in a fake cheerful voice that made him want to scream. "Please, come on in. I'm sure James will just _love _to have you in here for moral support."

James heard footsteps, he wanted to tell Carlos to get away, to run, to get help, to forget about the plan; it was screwed to hell by now, but he couldn't get his mouth to open. Then James heard the door close, followed by the _click _of the lock being pressed down, and only then did he open his eyes.

James had been expecting to see Carlos, of course, but it made it none the less painful to see his innocent best friend standing there beside a man so purely evil, both polar-opposites staring down at him. James felt the pain in Carlos' eyes more than saw it.

The sight of Carlos condemned in this room with him, with that _monster, _was the end for James. He lost whatever it was that had been holding the dam together, and he burst, the tears flowing rapidly down his blood-streaked face like a pink waterfall.

Carlos gasped and didn't close his mouth. His eyes were watering instantly. It killed him more than he ever thought possible to see his best friend lying half-conscious, bloodied and battered on the floor. But the first emotion to wash over him was not grief. It was rage.

Despite the pleading look in James' eyes that begged Carlos not to do anything stupid, Carlos whirled on Dr. Clark and swung.

Dr. Clark expected the attempted attack and dodged the fist. He straightened up and lifted the gun that Carlos had almost forgotten about.

Dr. Clark laughed demonically at the way Carlos suddenly simmered down and took on a terrified expression. "I know you're the idiot of the group," the evil man began. "But you're even more stupid that I would have thought."

James tensed angrily. Or maybe it was the pain that had his muscle tightening up. Probably both. He hated it enough listening to this man's voice speaking to _him, _but insulting Carlos? He wasn't going to stand for it.

While Dr. Clark's attention was diverted to Carlos, James pushed himself up onto his elbows, trying to ignore the way his arms quavered. "You don't speak to my friend like that," he hissed, his voice thick as he spoke around the blood that filled his mouth.

Dr. Clark's eyes widened in surprise. He hadn't expected James to say anything. He knelt down next to the injured teen. "When you're holding a gun to someone's head, you can speak to them however the hell you want." As if to exaggerate his words, Dr. Clark pressed the gun against James' temple. "It's the person who has the gun to their head that should keep their mouth shut."

And then James heard the _click. _The safety had been turned off.

* * *

><p>"Where's Carlos?"<p>

Logan, Kendall, and Katie glanced up at Mrs. Knight's question. She had just come back inside from calling a very distressed Brooke, and she wasn't sure what to think when she'd saw that Carlos was missing.

"Oh, he just went to the bathroom," Logan replied, and Kendall nodded to confirm.

"And how long has he been gone?"

This time Kendall went to answer, but as he opened his mouth, he realized he had been going to say 'About six minutes.' Carlos wasn't shy. If he'd had trouble locating the bathroom he would have asked the first person he saw; so why was he taking so long? Kendall wanted to think that Carlos was...having the bodily function that took more time than the other, but he couldn't help but worry. Carlos had been so antsy...

"Oh my god."

Logan had apparently caught on, too, judging by the way his face was suddenly very pale.

"Boys?" Mrs. Knight prompted, urgent panic evident in her voice. Katie, who had been slouched tiredly in her chair, was now sitting up attentively.

Logan made a strange choking sound as he entwined his fingers through his hair and pulled.

"No," he whispered. "No, no, no. Not Carlos, too. Oh, god...He's in there." He choked again, gasping wildly for air as Mrs. Knight collapsed into the nearest chair. "_He's in there."_

Kendall stood abruptly, knocking his chair over backwards. It was quite obvious what his intentions were, and his mother and Logan moved quickly, each grabbing a wrist and not letting go when he flailed and squirmed, struggled to break away from them.

"Let me _go!" _he bellowed, drawing the attention of the other waiting room residents. He didn't care that he was receiving baffled stares and gawks. He needed to get to his friends!

But his mom and friend weren't letting up.

"Kendall, I _know _how badly you want to go in there, sweetie, but you can't! It's dangerous-"

"Exactly! It's _dangerous!_ As in, _James and Carlos are in danger! _And I'm not letting them get hurt! Not anymore."

"Excuse me, is there a problem over here?"

Four heads snapped toward the source of the voice. The receptionist was standing there, looking at them with a mixture of curiosity and disapproval. She cocked her head to the side as she awaited an answer.

"We're terribly sorry, he's just-"

"_Yes! _There _is _a problem!" Kendall finally slipped from Logan and Mrs. Knight's grasp and stood not a foot from the young woman. "One of your '_doctors' _is holding two of my friends hostage!"

The receptionist frowned and peered past Kendall at Mrs. Knight. Mrs. Knight didn't even have to say anything or make any sort of gesture. The fear in her eyes was proof enough.

But the receptionist was a little weary. Was this boy a patient? She didn't recognize him. Only...yes, she did. He'd been here before, twice, with that handsome brunette...James Diamond. He was with Dr. Clark at the moment.

"Dr. Clark?" she asked, and Kendall's eyes darkened with rage at the name.

"Yes, _Clark _is the bastard who's holding them hostage! He threatened James last session! He has a-"

"_GUN!"_

And just as that last word burst from Kendall's lips, he heard a scream of terror come from across the waiting room shrieking the same word.

* * *

><p>James wasn't sure if it was the ringing in his ears from the concussion he was sure he had, or the horror of having a loaded gun pressing against his temple, but he swore he heard someone scream.<p>

Or maybe he wasn't just imagining it, because Carlos and Dr. Clark's heads snapped up, too. They both looked toward the door.

Dr. Clark was up in a flash, giving James a swift kick to the head and ribs to ensure that he stayed down. Carlos could only watch on in his frozen state of silence.

Dr. Clark pointed the gun at Carlos as he hurried to the door and pressed his ear against it, listening hard.

Yes, there it was. Screaming.

Eyes wild with fury, Dr. Clark turned back to the two helpless, shaking teens.

"WHO TOLD?" he raged. Both boys winced at the acidic tone, but they didn't say a thing.

Dr. Clark shook his hand as if to remind them that one twitch of his finger and they'd be dead. "WHO CALLED THE FUCKING COPS?"

"I-it wasn't us!" Carlos cried, knowing that James was in no shape to answer. But even through the fear, Carlos did wonder...

"WELL YOU TOLD SOMEONE! WHY ELSE WOULD THEY BE HERE?"

Carlos was sobbing now. He knew he was going to die. He just knew it.

"We don't know!" He was desperate, but he knew it was no good. Clark was going to kill him no matter what.

But then a weak voice spoke up from the floor. "Yes, I told them," James croaked. He coughed, spitting out a mouth full of blood, the crimson puddle beneath him growing rapidly. He slowly sat up, leaning back against the desk and wincing as his bleeding head pounded, and panted heavily. Dr. Clark moved the gun to him

"So kill me. Not Carlos. He didn't call the police."

"Oh, I will kill you, don't worry," Dr. Clark griped. "Both of you. And then your other friends. The sister, too, just for fun. Maybe the mom."

James hardly heard him. His eyes were on Carlos. The smaller boy was seething through his tears. His eyes met James', and the beaten boy opened his as wide as they could open in a warning. Pointless.

Dr. Clark was focused solely on James. Carlos decided to seize this opportunity. He lunged himself at Dr. Clark, and the older man's face took on an expression James had never seen on it before. Surprise. He was caught off guard.

Carlos was on the doctor's back, and he began to punch aimlessly, landing blows to the man head, neck, and face. Dr. Clark let out a furious roar and ran backwards, smashing Carlos against the wall.

Carlos groaned as his breath left his lungs in a rush, and he slid halfway down the wall. He refused to go down. If he did, it would all be over.

Dr. Clark bared his teeth like a feral dog and began to move in on Carlos, gun aimed, finger ready to pull the trigger and let Carlos' brains splatter out all over the wall. James was trying to crawl his way over, but he was barely clinging to consciousness and he knew there was nothing he could do.

This was the end. He was going to watch Carlos die by the hand of the man all four friends hated most in this world. He was sitting right there, and there was no way he could prevent it.

And then it happened, but all in a blur. There was a splintering _crack! _andthe door was gone. It crashed to the floor. James and Carlos supposed it would have made a loud noise as it hit the ground, but they didn't hear it.

Carlos was facing the door where several uniformed men of the LAPD stood, guns up. James was still staring at Dr. Clark. His gun was up. He had a look of steely determination on his face.

And then they heard it. The deafening cross between a _crack _and a _bang. _

A gunshot.

* * *

><p><strong>Alright, so I'll tell you guys this. Someone got shot. But who was it? That I'm <strong>_**not **_**telling you...at least not till next chapter, so review, review, review! I'm hoping to get to 200 reviews this chap, cause its 30 which is an increment of 5 and I have this thing with increments of 5...Yeah. I'm not normal. **

**Let me know who you think got shot! Oh, and who called the police? They didn't just show up, someone gave them a ring. Gimme your guesses!**

**Okay, so you have your questions, and I'm sure you have lots of comments, so lets get Breakdown to 200!**


	31. Wounded

**Holy crap you guys. Like, just, holy crap. 207 reviews? ! I'm actually in some minor form of shock right now. I did NOT expect to get 15 reviews of that chapter. Wow. Thank you guys so, SO much and even more. I wish I'd prewritten this, cause I totally would have put it up right away, but none of the chapters are prewritten. And I always hate when I take forever to update, so my chapters will be prewritten for my next story...but that's the future.**

**For now, lets focus on the present, as in...FINDING OUT WHO GOT SHOT! And other stuff.**

Breakdown

Chapter 31: Wounded

"_Male, age 17, severe concussion, possible swelling of the brain, three broken ribs, punctured right lung, blood loss, and several other minor injuries..."_

Who was talking? Why were they saying that? Why was everything so blindingly bright, why did everything sound like he was underwater...

And then he felt the pain, and he knew why. He couldn't remember exactly, but there had been a man, and a gun, and a gun_shot _and...And now he was in too much pain to think. His mind began to cloud over as the agony overtook him, and finally, it faded, as did the white lights, and the underwater voices, and slowly, slowly, he slipped away from reality...

* * *

><p>Logan rubbed his hands over his face for what had to be the fifth time. It was a nervous habit of his, and he'd definitely never been so nervous in his life. Waiting for an update on his two friends, on <em>either <em>of his two friends, for three hours was wearing him down, physically and emotionally. He'd already cried; he swore there was no way he could have any tears left, but now that the four hour mark had been passed, he felt ready to break down again.

Kendall was in the same boat as Logan. He'd cried. He was more terrified than he'd ever been. He was teetering on the edge of another meltdown. And he didn't care. He was done trying to stay strong for everyone. In the end, everything he'd been holding back had caught up with him, and he'd ended up crying harder than Logan, his mother, and his sister.

Katie was sitting in her brother's lap, showing an unusual display of sympathy. She was sniffling and wiping at her eyes. Like the other boys, she'd stopped crying after an hour of sitting around in this damned waiting room, but now she was having a hard time restraining her tears as she watched her brothers struggling to keep themselves together as well. And her mother...

Mrs. Knight felt nothing but sorrow for the boys she considered her sons as they awaited the news. But she had another dark cloud hovering over her. Sylvia and Brooke were trusting her 100% with watching their children, yet currently they were both undergoing surgery. And Brooke had already been yanked away from her work to come out to LA because Mrs. Knight had failed at keeping her son safe. She felt like a failure, a worthless human being who couldn't be trusted by anyone, not even her closest friends. Kendall had already spent a good half hour assuring her that this wasn't her fault, not in the slightest amount. No matter what she'd done, someone was going to end up getting hurt. She'd listened to what he had to say, but it didn't change a thing. She'd simply stood by when she should have taken action; she should have went into that room with Dr. Clark and gotten the proof for the police herself. Not that it mattered anymore. The proof had been right there when they'd broken down the door; Clark was holding a gun in his hands. He'd fired, and so he had been fired at, and now he was paying the ultimate price.

Sometimes people say that rotting away in jail is worse than death, but Jennifer couldn't have disagreed more. Clark got what he'd had coming to him. He didn't deserve to live after what he'd put the boys through- what he'd put them all through. So yes, Jennifer was _glad _the police hadn't given the abominable man a chance. They'd put the bullet through his heart...but not in time. Not before he'd lodged a bullet of his own into-

Her thoughts were interrupted by her daughter shaking her arm, and she was glad. She didn't want to think about it. "Mom, the doctor's here..."

Mrs. Knight stood quickly, not even glancing at Kendall and Logan, who were already on their feet. Her full attention was on the doctor, waiting. Apprehensive. Afraid.

The doctor cleared his throat. "As you know, I am Dr. Anderson. I was James' doctor here several months ago. However, there is no news of his current condition. I bring an update regarding Carlos Garcia.

Carlos' surgery went extremely well. We fused the bone back together and removed the bullet without any complications and stitched up the wound. He lost quite a bit of blood, so we gave him a transfusion. He is expected to make a full, healthy recovery. The wound has been dressed with gauze. Once Carlos goes home, the gauze will need to be changed every five hours. Make sure you pay close attention to the time, as there is a risk of infection. His arm is in a sling to support the bone while it heals, and needs to stay in it for six weeks. I'm prescribing a pain-killer that he should take every eight hours, one tablet, for the first week, which will only be five days since we'd like to keep him here for two nights. After that, he only needs to take them if his shoulder is causing him discomfort. He is awake if you'd like to see him, but he's under a light anesthesia for the pain. He may be a little loopy. Room 201. And only two visitors at a time, please."

Everyone was feeling a bit less pressure now that they knew one of their friends was doing well. They were glad Carlos' surgery had gone so smoothly, and that he was already on his way to recovery. But the matter of whether or not the story would be the same for James kept them from being overly-excited.

They smiled, though, and Mrs. Knight thanked the doctor. "Thank you, Doctor Anderson, so much."

"Not a problem. I'll have a nurse see you immediately when any news of James comes if I can't see you personally. I hope everything works out."

Mrs. Knight turned to her son as the doctor walked away. "You two can go on up," she said knowingly. As much as she wanted to see Carlos, and as much as she knew Katie did, too, she knew it was right to let Kendall and Logan visit him first. They were practically bursting with anxiety.

"We'll come get you to see him when we're done," Kendall promised.

He and Logan travelled somberly down the hall to the elevator and rode up to the third floor in silence. They knew why it was so quiet. It wasn't because they didn't know what to say, even though condolences had already been made. It was that Carlos and James had always been the conversation starters. James would talk about something appearance related and a whole long debate would begin, and though it had always seemed so pointless and annoying to Logan and Kendall, they wished they were fighting over the damaging chemicals in Cuda vs the repairing ones.

Carlos would start blathering on about literally anything, even if it made no sense at all. They wanted so badly right then for that, for the randomness that came only with Carlos. Hopefully seeing him hopped up on morphine would liven up the dark, damp atmosphere that had seemed to be hovering over them for the past three hours.

The two friends made it to Carlos' room without a single word spoken. They were a bit nervous to enter. Even though Dr. Anderson had said Carlos was doing well, neither of them could push away their inner pessimist. _What if he was in severe pain? What if he couldn't talk? What if they were wrong about infection and he suddenly spiked a fever?_

They knew anything like that would have been taken care of already, but considering how bad their luck had been lately, why not just add more misfortune to the list?

Nevertheless, the duo entered the dim room, the only source of light the slits of sunlight peeking in through the halfway closed blinds. Since Carlos had only recently awoken, he wouldn't want much light.

Logan and Kendall looked over at the bed. Carlos was laying down, but his eyes were open and trained on them as they ventured further into the room. His face was a bit pale, his eyes slightly glassy from the morphine, his shoulder was wrapped up tightly with layers of gauze, and his arm looked uncomfortable in the sling, but his big, loopy smile proved how happy he was to see them, even if he wasn't completely lucid and aware of what was going on and what had happened. He just liked seeing some familiar faces.

"Hey, it's you! You dudesss," he chirped cheerily from the bed, slurring his words slightly. "Don't I know you?" He giggled.

And hence lifted the somber cloud. It sucked that Carlos had to be high in order for his pain not to affect him, but they'd seen him under anesthesia before. It was always fun.

They stepped closer to the bed, grinning down at their bed-ridden friend. He smiled back at them, a huge, dopey smile that made them laugh. Carlos could hardly keep his eyes open, and so his smile looked like it was taking up half his face. He looked like a fool, but they didn't care. They were just glad he was okay.

"How you doing, buddy?" Logan asked, knowing that Carlos wouldn't be able to give a coherent answer, but wanted to hear him speak anyway, partially for assurance that he really _was _fine, partially to hear him slur some more words and continue to lift Logan's spirits.

" 'm I flying?" Carlos asked. "Cause I feel like I'm floating around." He went to spread his arms into wings, but he felt the pull in his shoulder and dropped his arms back down, frowning at the sling he hadn't noticed until right then. "Hey! Why do I- Why do I only have one wing?" He pouted.

Kendall snickered and let Logan answer. "It's a sling, buddy. You, uh, hurt yourself." Carlos wasn't ready-or lucid enough- to hear that he'd been shot in the shoulder and that the bullet had shattered his collar bone. They'd let the doctor inform him of that later, when his head was clear.

"Oh...It doesn't feel like I hurt mmmyself."

"That's good, Carlitos. That's really good. That means the medicine is doing its job."

"M-medicccine?" Kendall turned his head away, trying not to laugh too loudly. He didn't want to somehow offend Carlos, but the boy just looked too silly and adorable with his head cocked and his words slurring together.

Logan smiled even wider as he patted his friend's good arm. "Yeah, buddy. The medicine is so you won't feel any pain."

"Ah." Carlos grew quiet after that, and Kendall and Logan chuckled, sharing amused glances. Only Carlos could make them laugh at a time like this, whether he realized it or not.

Carlos spoke up again after a minute. "Hey, where'sss, um...that other guy? The one who's in love with himself."

And all at once the mood was dampened again. The heavy dread of not knowing what was going on with James and how he was settled back over Kendall and Logan, and their quirky demeanor did a complete one-eighty. They'd almost forgotten. Not totally; they'd never forget about James, especially not _now, _but they'd been smiling and laughing and generally feeling decent for the first time in nearly a week. It was sad how much they had to go through, how long it took, how hard it was to get them to smile, yet they were sent right back into near depression in a split second.

Carlos, however, didn't seem too upset. He hadn't realized he'd said the wrong thing, the words that had turned his friends sour so suddenly. He tried to smile at them, hoping to make them feel better, but neither of them would make eye contact, not with him or with each other.

"You mean James," Kendall muttered finally. Carlos' eyes brightened with recognition. Yes, James, that was his name.

"Yeah, him! Where-wait, who?" He shook his head. "Oh, yes, James. Right. What about James?"

Carlos was oblivious. Due to the morphine pumping into his veins and coursing through his bloodstream, his attention span only lasted about five seconds. Logan and Kendall didn't know whether or not they should be glad that even if they managed to tell Carlos what was going on with James. He'd handle it well while he was loopy, but there was no way he'd remember. Besides, Logan and Kendall didn't _want _to tell him. They'd get one of the doctors to do that. Dr. Anderson was nice enough. Then again, that's what they'd though about Dr. Clark in the first place, and he was the reason James and Carlos were being hospitalized. But now was not the time to think like that. Dr. Anderson was the doctor who'd taken care of James the entire time he'd been in a coma; as horrible as it was to consider, he'd had all the chances in the world to do something to James. Dr. Anderson wasn't another Dr. Clark.

There was another thing, anyway; they didn't even know what was going on with James yet. Sure, they knew the extent of his injuries, but not the results of the surgery. They could only pray the outcome would be the same as Carlos'.

Carlos had grown exceedingly quiet again, and when Logan and Kendall finally drifted from their musings, they noticed he had fallen asleep again. They felt a bit guilty knowing that Katie and Mrs. Knight would have to wait to see him awake, but they moved to leave anyway.

"He needs his rest," Logan whispered, glad Carlos was getting it. Maybe he'd be more coherent the next time he woke up.

Kendall reached out and very gently, as to not wake his slumbering friend, ran his hand over Carlos' soft tufts of raven-toned hair. He smiled down at the sleeping boy, looking peaceful and at ease, much to Kendall and Logan's relief.

Kendall turned along with Logan, and the pair made their way out of Carlos' room, only turning back around once at the doorway to make sure that Carlos was still there and in one piece.

He was, and, satisfied, the two friends turned back again and wandered down the hall to the elevators, though they really wished they could find whatever room James was currently undergoing surgery in and check in to make sure everything was going well. But they knew they couldn't, and so they settled for making their way back to the too-familiar waiting room for however many more agonizing hours it would take. Because that was how long they would stay. However long it took.

* * *

><p><em>Any kind of guy you want girl<em>

_That's the guy I'll be_

_Turn myself upside down_

Kendall jumped, not expecting to hear his phone blaring. He fumbled to pull it from his pocket, ignoring the glares he received from fellow waiting room people.

_Jeez, sue a guy for his phone ringing. Does everyone _enjoy _sitting here miserably?_

Kendall fought the urge to roll his eyes and everyone and was respectful enough to go outside to take the call, nodding once at his family as he glanced at his screen.

Incoming Call: Jo, with a picture of her under it.

Kendall answered hurriedly. He probably would have ignored the call, or texted her in the waiting room, because he wanted to be there when the news of James came, but he really did need to talk to her. He had a theory...

Kendall held the phone up to his ear. "Hey, Jo, listen-"

"Is everyone okay? You didn't get hurt, did you? James, he-"

"It was you, wasn't it? God, I _knew _it. Jo, you...you probably saved James and Carlos' lives."

"Carlos? Kendall, what happened? Are they okay? Are _you?"_

Yes, Kendall knew it had been Jo who'd called the police. It hadn't been him, Logan, Carlos, Katie, or his mother, and Jo was the only other person who knew. He'd broken down and told her. So maybe it hadn't been her business, but he couldn't stand lying and giving her excuses anymore. So he'd told her the day after she'd come over and he'd dismissed her. He didn't want to risk their relationship by keeping secrets. Looking back on it, he supposed that had been selfish of him; James probably hadn't wanted anyone else to know, yet he'd told Jo in order to keep their relationship from being jeopardized. Now, though, he was thoroughly glad he'd told her the whole truth. If he hadn't, no one would have called the police, and James and Carlos would be...well, they'd be what Dr. Clark was now.

Kendall nearly cried with relief. He'd made the right choice telling her. And hearing her voice, after knowing that she was the reason two of his best friends were alive...he wanted to see her so badly. But he wanted to see James more. Maybe she'd come visit tomorrow.

"Jo, slow down. Yes, I'm fine. Logan, too. But Carlos and James..."

"What happened?" Jo's voice trembled.

Kendall rubbed his free hand over his face and inhaled shakily before explaining. "Carlos got shot. In the shoulder. The bullet fractured his collar bone, but they fixed it up in surgery. He has stitches and a sling but he's doing fine. He was even awake for a bit. But he was high on morphine. And James...we haven't heard about James yet. That filthy bastard...he almost killed James. He-" Kendall's voice wavered, threatening to break, but he choked back the lump in his throat and forged on.

"Evidently Clark went all out on James. I only saw him for a second, but he was unconscious and he had a huge gash on his forehead and his face was all busted up and- God, all the blood, Jo, there was so _much." _

"It's okay, Kendall. You don't have to tell me everything," Jo soothed her boyfriend softly.

Kendall shook his head, completely aware of the fact that she couldn't see him and not caring. "No, it's okay. I'm fine. It was just really hard to...Anyway, one of his lungs is punctured, and he's been in surgery forever, and I-" His voice finally cracked and dropped to a hushed whisper, barely audible, even to himself. "I'm so scared."

With that, Kendall let himself break down again, sliding down the brick wall to the hard, cold pavement. He buried his face against his knees and sobbed into the phone.

On the other end of the line, Jo's heart was breaking. Two of her really close friends were hurt, one potentially fatally, and he boyfriend, her strong, bold boyfriend, was crying- no, _wailing _and there was nothing she could do to console him. She knew words wouldn't help. She needed to _be _there, with him, holding him.

"Kendall," she called, required to raise her voice to be heard over the heart-wrenching sobs. "Kendall, listen, shh, shh, just listen to my voice..."

Kendall managed to get a hold of himself considerably quickly, and he lifted his head, wiping his tear-streaked face as he stuttered out a "W-what?"

"Hey, it's going to be okay. Look, I'm leaving to come to the hospital right now, alright? I'll be there for you, for all of you. Just hang on, okay?"

"O-okay. And Jo?"

"Yes, Kendall?"

"Thank you. You're their saviour. I know that sounds super cheesy, but...it's true. I don't even want to think about what would have happened if you hadn't called the police."

"Me neither. I'm glad you told me."

"I love you. So much."

"I love you, too. Hang tight."

There was a click, and then static. She was on her way.

Kendall hung up and took another minute to compose himself. He couldn't go back in there looking a mess. He patted at his hair and swiped at his eyes with his t-shirt. Finally he stood and headed slowly back into the hospital. He entered just in time to see his mother and Logan stand as they were approached.

Kendall's eyes widened and he quickened his pace so that he wouldn't miss the report.

Dr. Anderson was back.

* * *

><p><em>Oh! Jeez, who the hell makes lights that bright? ! Seriously, being blind isn't the first thing you look forward to when you wake up! What is this?<em>

Voices. Just like before. Only this time, he couldn't make out what the were saying. They were just a distant, annoying hum, the clarity of words just a stretch away.

He couldn't see, either, thanks to the god damn light that was having a grand time scorching his corneas even through closed eyelids.

He sighed inwardly and idly wondered what was going on. Blinding white lights and far away voices. Now _that _was a hospital cliché. Crap, he was in the hospital, wasn't he? Again.

Maybe the voices could give him some answers. They were gradually growing louder and more distinct. He heard some along the lines of "His eyelashes!"

"What about his eyelashes?" That voice sounded exasperated. It reminded him of someone he knew...

"I saw them flutter! That means he's waking up. You're the future doctor. Shouldn't _you _notice these things?" That voice was sarcastic, yet, despite the simplicity of the words, strangely wise, yet young. Or maybe he was just confused. Yeah, that was probably it.

"You know, I really don't think we should be doing-"

"Oh, come on, Logan. Katie didn't get to see Carlos. Besides, even if any nurses do notice, there's no way they'll be able to resist _The Eyes."_

Logan, Katie, Carlos? All familiar names. Very, very familiar. As in, his...best friends familiar? Okay, then who was talking? His voice sounded...like Kendall's. Yes, that what it! Okay, so he was James Diamond, not that he was going to forget that easily, and Kendall, Logan, and Katie were here, but Katie hadn't seen Carlos, and what did that mean? And _why _was he in the hospital again? He really needed to wake his mind up so that he could ask someone to please explain this.

"Hey! I saw his eyes flutter, too!"

"Told you!"

Ah, yes. He remembered the bickering. If he recalled, there hadn't been much of that lately. But why? Maybe he was just forgetting something. That was most likely the case. He felt as though a heavy fog had settled over his brain and taken residence there for a while. All he needed was to wake up and he'd remember.

He felt a light pressure on his hand then, like someone was squeezing it with their own. And then someone spoke to _him._

"James? If you can hear me, squeeze my hand back."

Yes, he could hear. He squeezed back. He expected to hear a sigh of relief, more talking, maybe, directed at him. Instead he was met with silence. He felt tension in the air. Was the person holding his hand expecting him to squeeze back? Because he had.

He squeezed again to be sure, but this time a voice did speak. "Come on, James, you can do it. Just one little squeeze, just so I know you can hear me. Please, buddy."

He felt the pressure again, and he squeezed back. He did! He squeezed that hand as hard as he could, desperate to get the owner of it to realize that yes, he was awake, yes, he _could _hear them.

But instead he heard "I swear his eyes moved. I guess not. He isn't awake yet. Maybe...soon."

_But I _am _awake! I squeezed!_

He squeezed again, using all of his strength. That hand had to be crushed by now. By no cry of pain, no shriek of excitement at his consciousness. Nothing.

_I'm squeezing, can't you feel? Logan, whoever you are, please! I'm awake! I can hear you, I just can't wake up! I can't talk, I can't move, but I'm right here!_

He felt panic begin to rise within him. His throat, his stomach, his chest tightened. What was happening? Why was his mind awake but his body wasn't? He didn't like this feeling; he felt paralyzed, from head to toe.

Maybe he needed more time. He didn't know what had happened; he could have been out for days, maybe even weeks, like last time.

And then a thought struck him, one that horrified him, chilling him to the bone. _Had he overdosed again?_

No. No, he swore, he _promised _himself and his friends and his mother that he wouldn't do it. But what if all the stress and pressure had broken him down again? He remembered being very afraid, to the point where he felt so hopeless he was depressed. But what was it that he had been so terrified of? Why couldn't he remember?

He didn't even realize the voices had faded; all he knew was that someone was pointing a gun at him, and he couldn't breathe. Memory. Here it was. Or maybe hell. Maybe he was dead.

The gun was right in his face, pressing painfully against his temple. But wasn't he still in the hospital? Then why did this seem so _real? _

He felt like he was going to die. His insides were on fire, depleted of the oxygen that just wouldn't fill his starved, wheezing lungs. But still he could not move. He felt panic rise in his throat, yet he couldn't thrash, couldn't scream, couldn't even force his eyes open. At this point, he'd settled for having his retinas burned out. This was torture. It really was hell, wasn't it? He could certainly imagine hell being himself suffocating, yet being utterly paralyzed, unable to twitch or cry out or gesture in any way. He was sure he'd be crying if his tear ducts were functioning. But those were frozen, too, just like him. He was trapped inside of his own body. It was the worst feeling he'd ever had. Even when that gun had been pointed at him, for whatever reason, he hadn't felt so helpless.

He could hear the voices again, shouting, but just like before, the words were unfocused, melded together.

He hear a high pitched shriek of some sort, and hands. He could feel hands on him, yet he couldn't respond to the touches. A scream was building up inside of him. He felt it, ready to burst from his unmoving lips.

But it didn't. It swelled inside of him and only made his heart pound even more wildly.

So James screamed the only way he could. In his mind.

_Why? ! This isn't right, I shouldn't be a prisoner inside my own body! I need control; I NEED CONTROL!_

But control never came. Instead, silence did. The bright white lights hovered for a moment, and then, darkness settled.

* * *

><p>Logan, Kendall, and Katie stood in the waiting room once again, still trembling. They were extremely shaken up, all three of them. Whatever had happened to James up in that room, it hadn't been normal. It had been <em>scary. <em>Now they stood alongside Mrs. Knight, who wasn't quite as ashen as the other three, but still considerably pale after hearing the story from them. She hoped maybe they'd exaggerated it, that James _hadn't _had a full blown attack of _something _even while he was still unconscious. Maybe they didn't mean seizure; perhaps it had only been a bad case of...of what? Severe shaking? No, it had been a seizure; she trusted that Logan could identify one when he regrettably had to.

Now Dr. Anderson was making his way toward them for the fourth time in the six hours they'd been stuck in this damned waiting room. As much as they were worried sick of waiting around for unknown, unwanted updates, Dr. Anderson was worried sick about what their reactions would be every time he came as the bearer of awful news.

He stopped in front of them and glanced down at his chart, even though he didn't have to. He knew what it said; he just didn't want to say it. But it was his job, as gloomy as it seemed, to tell people that something was terribly wrong with their loved one.

Dr. Anderson decided not to beat around the bush. He hadn't been doing it so far, why start now? So he inhaled sharply and spoke.

"James is suffering from cerebromedullospinal disconnection."

Kendall fought down the instant rush of panic that overwhelmed him at those words. Medical words were all big. Maybe it wasn't as bad as it sounded. Unfortunately, one glance at Logan told him his first instinct was right. Logan looked more than worried. His wide eyes, pale complexion and gaping mouth told Kendall that whatever a cerebrominey disconnection was, it was _bad._

"I-I'm sorry, doctor, what does that mean?" Mrs. Knight questioned, though she wasn't sure she wanted to find out. She wasn't looking forward to another phone call with Brooke.

"Cerebromedullospinal disconnection is more commonly known as pseudocoma, or 'locked-in' syndrome," Dr. Anderson explained, and Kendall winced when his mother gasped. She knew now.

Katie clutched Kendall's hand even tighter. Everybody was making this sound like a horrible, horrible thing. The word coma was in it. Pseudo_coma. _Icy dread filled her stomach, as well as her brother's.

"To put it most simply, James is...it's like he's trapped inside his own body. He's having normal brain processes; he can hear and think, and if he could open his eyes he'd be able to see, but his motor functions are immobilized-"

"So, you're saying James is awake, but he can't move. He's not just paralyzed from the neck down, he's _completely frozen. _Stuck." Kendall's voice was coated with disbelief and shock.

Dr. Anderson nodded sadly. "Yes. I'm sorry that this is the case, but yes."

All colour drained from Mrs. Knight's face, and her knees gave out under her. Alarmed, Kendall hastily wrapped his arm around her waist and sat her down in the nearest chair while she sucked air in thinly.

Katie sat beside her mom and attempted to calm her, while Logan stared blankly at Dr. Anderson. He couldn't believe it. Not James. Not after everything. Dr. Clark was not only, but dead, unable to torment anybody, ever again. They'd won. Or at least, they'd thought they had. Two of them had come out with some serious battle wounds, but Carlos was going to make a full recovery and James' surgery had gone well. They'd thought he would spend a while at the hospital and with time his injuries would heal, and he'd be James again. At least, on the outside.

But now...this. A complication. An error. This wasn't meant to happen; it was a mistake. James had been through enough already, too much. Logan couldn't even begin to imagine how James must be feeling right then. He wanted to speak, to reach out and reassure his friends that he was okay, but he couldn't. He couldn't even squeeze Logan's hand back. But his eyes had fluttered...maybe he'd been trying, in vain, as it turned out, and if hurt Logan more than he thought possible to think of how unfathomably terrified James must have been when he discovered that he was totally, completely, utterly paralyzed.

Logan blinked and returned to reality. He'd heard about this before- he'd never even considered having to deal with it in his life, but he'd heard of it- and he knew that in some cases, the plug was pulled on the poor, helpless victim, but in other cases, the patient emerged from the coma-like state perfectly fine. And that _was _going to be the case for James. Logan refused to let him...let him...He couldn't even think it.

But before he had to, he needed to know if there was a chance of...that...happening.

Logan's swayed dizzily as he faced Dr. Anderson, who was watching the scene in front of him with sorrow-filled eyes, fiddling nervously with his clipboard. He _hated _this part of the job. He knew to expect this when he signed on to become a doctor, but 'Shatter a family to pieces' wasn't _exactly _in the job description. It hurt so much, as if this was somehow his fault.

"D-doctor?" Logan's voice wavered. Said man nodded once to show he was listening.

Logan lowered his eyes, afraid to look into Dr. Anderson's. His entire body, inside and out, shuddered as the dreaded question slipped past his unsmiling lips.

"Will he ever fully wake up?"

Kendall, Katie, and Mrs. Knight perked up as they awaited the answer...

* * *

><p><strong>OMG! Does anybody watch the show House MD? Cause this is just a random, pointless ramble, but last night's episode was Ah. Maze. Ing. I almost died watching it! <strong>

**Aaand, that show (not last night's episode) inspired me. I know, I know, another coma, but in one of the episodes, this guy could hear and think, but his body was paralyzed, and BAM! So is James. Gah, I'm so evil!**

**I know some of you wanted James to get shot, but I've put the poor guy through so much already, and now he's in this freaky half-coma thingy, so, you know. That's bad enough.**

**Mwahaha. Another cliffie!**


	32. Memory

**I. Hate. Homework. Nuff said.**

Breakdown

Chapter 32: Memory

Carlos hummed to himself as he gazed around his boring hospital room. He was so _bored. _Bored of the boring white walls, bored of the boring white sheets, bored of the crappy shows on daytime TV, bored, bored, bored of being bored. That was it. Boredom was taking over.

So he entertained himself by humming all of their songs. He'd already hummed his way through Big Time Rush, Famous, City Is Ours, Shot in the Dark, Stuck, Any Kind of Guy, and now he was halfway through the chorus of This is Our Someday. Next he would go on to Boyfriend, their newest song that they hadn't finished working on because of...of everything that had gone down.

_'Hmm, hmm, hmm, hm-hm-hm, hm-hm-hm...'_

Carlos sighed. Humming by yourself is no fun. Especially when you're busy being bored in a boring hospital room.

Carlos really just wanted to see his friends. The nurse that had come in when he woke up half an hour ago said she would go get them, but she had yet to return. Carlos was a little annoyed; what right did she have to lie to him? Here he was, crippled and suffering from an extreme case of _boredom, _and she thought it was alright to tell innocent little him that she would be back momentarily with his friends and then just not bring them? Not even reappear herself to explain? She was probably off in the nurse's lounge or something laughing at the thought of him continuing to be bored right now. Classy.

Carlos flopped his head back against his fluffy white pillow- probably the only good thing about the hospital, the soft, warm fluffiness of the pillows- and inspected his sling.

The doctor had come in and explained to Carlos about the bullet wound and the broken collar bone and the sling and the medicine he'd need to take. Then Carlos had asked about James, and Dr. Anderson had hurriedly muttered something about a suited coma and had run off.

And now Carlos was worried. He'd heard the word _coma. _It bothered him to think that comas were now something he related to James. Of course, maybe he'd heard wrong. Dr. Anderson hadn't exactly been enthusiastic to tell Carlos about his friend; he'd spoken softly and swiftly. Then again, the lack of enthusiasm was probably a sign. Not that Carlos wanted to think that anything bad had happened to James, like another coma for instance, but he'd become accustomed to worrying a lot lately. He practically felt obligated to take precaution for the worst case scenario when it came to anything now.

Carlos sighed again, loudly, and it wasn't until then that he noticed the pain. The nurse had warned him earlier that his shoulder would feel really sore, but that the pain wouldn't be as bad as it could have been because of the morphine dripping from the IV into his bloodstream. Carlos hadn't felt it before; he'd been too preoccupied with the agony of sheer and utter _boredom, _but now he was beginning to take notice of the burning sensation.

The nurse had told him he'd fractured his collar more- more precisely, the bullet that Dr. Clark had put through his shoulder had.

Carlos shuddered as the pain swept fresh, unwanted memory into his mind.

* * *

><p><em>The door literally cracked right off its hinges and crashed to the floor. Carlos didn't hear it smash to the ground, splintered and busted. His ears were filled with a pounding that was a result of the fear flooding his body. <em>

_He was now staring at several uniformed men. Carlos knew immediately what they represented. The LAPD. Safe. They were saved._

_But even then, standing in the presence of the men he knew were going to save him and James, Carlos' fear did not disintegrate. For Dr. Clark was still hovering near him with that menacing glint in his cruel, laughing eyes. His hand was still wrapped around the gun, and his finger was still boring down on the trigger, and he still looked hungry for death._

_And then his dark eyes, seeming to mock Carlos in his terror, changed. They took on an expression of determination; he knew he was about to be shot, but he first needed to kill._

_Carlos didn't know why he expected it to go in slow motion; this wasn't a movie. He didn't have time to react, to avert the bullet. _

_He didn't see it coming. Of course he didn't, it was a _bullet. _One second it was sitting snugly in the barrel of the gun, the next it was lodged in his searing shoulder. _

_Carlos screamed. He screamed so loudly that he didn't even hear the second gun shot. He felt the life drain from him, and he fell to the ground, Dr. Clark falling right beside him._

_Initially, Carlos had screamed because of the pain, the fiery throbbing that invaded his shoulder and instantly spread throughout his entire body. But already he felt numb, and the pain was evaporating quickly. Or maybe it was just being pushed down, squashed beneath the icy chill that settled over him when he saw the dead, unblinking eyes of Dr. Clark staring right at him. This time when Carlos screamed, it was in terror. A dead body, the lifeless form of a _torturer _was laying practically atop him. _

_And then it was gone. The body was moved, probably by the police, but Carlos couldn't be sure. He wasn't fully aware of anything right then, not even the pain that would have been there had he not been going into shock. _

_Carlos was drained. His energy didn't exist anymore. He felt numb. But one thing, and one thing only, was keeping him clinging to consciousness. James. _

_The singer was lying beside the desk amidst a pool of his own crimson blood, and still bleeding, profusely, from his mouth, his nose, his head. Bruises and swelling distorted his features, and even though he was unconscious, Carlos could see the pain on his face. _

_The sight left Carlos gasping and flailing weakly; he had _never _seen James so broken, and he wanted absolutely _nothing _but to go to his side and wake him up and make him okay. _

_But that wasn't possible. James was so clearly _not _okay, and a little wishful thinking on Carlos' part wasn't going to change that. Besides, one of the cops was kneeling by James and at this point the pain had caught back up with Carlos, and he was having an exceedingly hard time breathing. A whimper escaped his throat. It hurt more than anything he'd ever felt._

_He heard very vaguely one or a couple of the cops murmuring, maybe calling out to him; he wasn't sure. He was seeing everything through a whitish haze. _

_The last thing Carlos heard, and the only thing he was certain he heard correctly since he'd been shot, was the cop by James saying "Pulse is too weak."_

_Then Carlos' sense of hearing was gone. _

_The last thing he saw was the one-toned painting on the wall. It didn't make sense. It looked as though someone has simply dipped a large paint brush in red paint and flung it at the wall. Random splotches of red dripped down the wall, and right before Carlos's vision blurred and disappeared, he realized the wall was smeared with his own blood._

* * *

><p>"Hey Carlos."<p>

Logan spoke softly, but he'd expected Carlos to hear him; the boy was obviously awake, but maybe he wasn't alert. His eyes were glassy, unfocused, and the way they were glazed over with what looked to be tears told Logan that Carlos wasn't acting distant because of the medicine, but because he was remembering something.

"Carlos?" Kendall tried this time, speaking louder than Logan had. Now Carlos jumped a little in his bed, and his face twisted into a mask of pain when the jerky movement jarred his injured shoulder.

His friends moved forward, hesitating, wanting to reach out to him but at the same time not wanting to touch him, to make him hurt even more.

Logan settled for a warning of "Take it easy, buddy."

Carlos calmed down as the pain faded, and he looked up at his friends. Instantly his heart and stomach dropped alike; Logan and Kendall were visibly distressed.

"Sorry we startled you bud, you were a million miles away-"

"What happened?"

Logan stopped talking, not because he was interrupted by Carlos, but because he was taken aback by the injured boy's sharp, abrupt question.

"What...nothing happened, Carlos-"

"Don't lie to me! I can tell something's wrong. It's James, isn't it?" Carlos' angry tone dropped to a worried whisper. "I haven't even heard about him yet. But I- I remember. When I got shot, I was laying there about to pass out and I saw him. He wasn't moving. And all the blood- there was more of his blood than mine. So I know _something happened. _And I'm counting on you guys to tell me what."

Logan shared a nervous look with Kendall. Neither of them wanted to tell Carlos. Hell, they didn't even know how to start.

Finally Logan spoke up. "Maybe we should get a doct-"

"No. No doctors. _You guys _tell me. I don't want to hear it from a stranger. I want- I _need _to hear it from you."

Kendall opened his mouth to argue, but Logan raised a hand. He placed it on Kendall's shoulder and nodded at him. Carlos was right. He deserved to hear this from them.

Kendall uttered a defeated sigh and reluctantly nodded back. The two dread-filled boys turned back to the anxious Carlos, wide-eyed and squirming in anticipation.

"First of all, Clark is dead."

Carlos only nodded gravely at that statement. Yes, he was relieved, happy even, but he knew that already. That wasn't where his concerns lied.

"What about James?"

"Well, you were there. You saw...what happened to James," Kendall began, speaking softly. He didn't look Carlos in the eye. Though he was known for being bold, Kendall had his moments of weakness, where he was actually hesitant to not hold his tongue. This was unquestionably one of those times.

Carlos nodded, not wanting to remember, but unable to keep the vivid images of James laying motionless on the floor, soaked with his own blood...

"He was hurt pretty badly. Actually, no, that's a huge understatement. He had a severe concussion, extreme blood loss, and he broke some ribs, and one of them punctured his lung, his right one, I think. They brought him into surgery and almost five hours later the doctor comes out and tells us that the surgery went well. James was fine, and we could see him. So we got to his room, me and Logan and Katie, and Logan was- he was holding James' hand, and we thought he was waking up- his eyelids fluttered, damn it, he _was _waking up! But then-" Kendall emitted a groan of frustration, frustration with the world. James should have been awake! When was he ever going to catch a freaking break? !

Logan noted that Kendall was unable to finish, so he took up the grueling task. The words that came out of his mouth felt heavy on his tongue, like lead, and they tasted just as acrid.

"James, he- he had some sort of panic attack or something. Like a mini-seizure."

He paused to let Carlos gasp before he continued.

"So the doctors come in there and kick us out. Half an hour later Dr. Anderson comes back out to the waiting room and he tells us that-"

Logan paused again, but this time was so that he could take a deep breath, not Carlos.

"That James is in a pseudocoma."

Carlos tensed. He didn't know what that meant, but anything with the word _coma _in it couldn'tbe good.

He didn't need to tell Logan to elaborate; Logan figured Carlos wouldn't have known what it meant and went on: "It means that James is awake, at least, his brain is. He can hear and think, but...his body _isn't _awake. He can't move or speak...and Dr. Anderson said there was no way to tell if he'll ever wake up from this thing."

Tears pricked at Logan's eyes, and he let them flow freely down his face. The thought of his best friend being trapped forever, always knowing what was going on around him but never being able to respond...Logan couldn't handle the possibility. So he cried.

Carlos sat there in his bed with his mouth hanging open slightly, and his eyes wide and damp with a horrified glaze. That...what Logan had just said, it wasn't true, was it?

"Is he- I mean..." Carlos struggled first to form the words in his head, then to force them from his tightening throat. "You guys were in his room already...he heard you, but he couldn't- he was _frozen- Oh, god..."_

Carlos lowered his head so he wouldn't have to look at Logan and Kendall. He didn't want to see them, see the heartbreak they were feeling. But he could _hear _Logan crying, and it made painful, salty tears pour down his own face. They rolled over his lips and he licked them. They tasted bitter. Anguished. Carlos knew you couldn't _taste _anguish, but that was how they tasted.

Kendall, the only one composed, decided to add more, hoping it would reassure the two silently sobbing boys.

"Dr. Anderson said that there was brain activity though, that's a good sign."

Logan shook his head, choking on a sob. "No, it isn't Kendall. That means James is suffering. He knows he's paralyzed; that's why he freaked out like that. None of this is _good."_

Kendall winced. Damn. He'd only been trying to say the _right _thing, the one thing from all of this that he'd thought was at least not _terrible. _He for one thought that brain activity was a good thing; maybe the more there was meant the sooner James would wake up. But now that Kendall took into consideration what Logan had just pointed out, he realized with a horrible sinking feeling that Logan was right. James was obviously scared out of his mind right about now.

"Th-they said the head trauma he endured caused swelling in the brain," Logan wept on, and Kendall wondered why he kept mentioning all the bad things. At least Kendall had _tried _to look for a silver lining.

But Carlos needed to hear this; he'd find out eventually, and they _had _told him they'd tell him. Everything. It wasn't fair to Carlos to leave anything out. James was his best friend, too; he deserved to know _exactly _what was going on with him, no matter how much pain it caused him inside.

Carlos wiped at his wet face with his good hand, hiccuping uncontrollably. His shoulders heaved with each sob that wracked his body, and now most of the tears fell from the pain this action caused.

Kendall sighed and made his way closer to the bed. He hated seeing his friends like this. Kendall would have been crying, too, had he not cried enough already. Nobody knew about his conversation earlier with Jo; they didn't know how much he'd cried already. He was done crying. For now.

Kendall wrapped one arms around Logan's shoulder and held the sobbing boy close. With his other arm he reached and and grabbed Carlos' hand, holding on tight.

They stayed that way for several minutes, Logan and Carlos crying while Kendall comforted them without words. He held onto the friends he could and decided right then that he would never let them go.

* * *

><p>James Diamond was in pain. A lot of it. His head felt like it had been split open- multiple times- with a sledgehammer, or maybe an ax. Maybe a sledgehammer one time, and an ax another time.<p>

His face felt like it was on fire, and he swore it felt puffy. Swollen.

His chest felt tight and constricted, as if something was wrapped around it, squeezing his torso painfully.

But the worst was the way his body felt heavy, like a dead weight; he couldn't _move. _Why the hell couldn't he move?

James was getting ready to start screaming, when he remembered. He couldn't scream. And he couldn't move. He already knew that; he just forgot. He'd been awake already. He was frozen, in full body paralysis. He wasn't sure why, but he was. It was the worst thing he'd ever experienced. He'd never been so scared in his life. Being completely and utterly immobilized, _literally, _was more than downright terrifying. He could find no words to describe the sensation, or more so, the lack of.

Being unable to move was one thing, but in addition to that torture, he couldn't even _speak. _Couldn't utter a single sound to save his life. Couldn't let everyone know that he could hear them.

_Psuedocoma. _

Where had he heard that word before? It sounded vaguely familiar, a distant memory, like he'd heard someone say it a while ago, but not directly to him. What did it mean?

James remembered that word.

He remembered voices and a shrieking heart monitor and...

And then, suddenly, it dawned on him. There was something else...but he was suddenly so tired, too exhausted to recall what it was he was trying to uncover from the back of his mind...

He fell asleep.

* * *

><p>One week. Seven days. 168 hours. It took 168 hours.<p>

Carlos was out of the hospital by then, had been for five days. His mother had come, and she was still with them, for one more day. Brooke was back, too, a mess, unhesitatingly putting her job on hold, having vowed to stay until James woke up.

Already Carlos was annoyed with his sling. He couldn't swim, supposedly simple, everyday tasks like showering, making a sandwich, and going down swirly (actually, that one was forbidden by Mrs. Knight until the sling was _off, _with the strong agreement of his own mother) were transformed into challenges, and pain accompanied him everyday. Some days it would hardly hurt at all; just a sharp, shooting pain if he accidentally twisted his arm the wrong way, but other days his shoulder would ache to the bone, a fiery sensation that made his entire left arm throb. The pain medication prescribed by Dr. Anderson only helped so much.

So now Carlos was bored. And mad because he was bored. He'd been bored the entire time he'd been at the hospital- three days, two nights. And now even back in the comfort of his home- yes, _home, _that was what the Palm Woods was and had been for a over a year now- he was _still _bored out of his mind.

Every time Carlos opened his mouth to whine to Logan or Kendall, his mom, Mrs. Knight or even Katie, who always rolled her eyes and left the room, Carlos thought of how poor James must be a thousand time more bored, being able to lay around on a bed all day and _nothing _else, and Carlos would snap his mouth shut like a mouse trap. Then he would start to feel guilty, and then sad about the condition of his best friend, and so he would sit in his room by himself, staring at James' empty bed, and he would cry and grieve and pray.

Then when night would fall, he would remain sitting up, would keep his eyes trained upon the sad, vacant bed, and stay awake as long as he could. But he'd never last. He always succumbed to sleep. And, inevitably, to the nightmares.

He would dream far too vividly of blood. His, spattered over once white walls. James', so bright red, so thick, so _much, _everywhere, soaking everything. The only thing that separated these nightmares from memories was the eyes. While the rest of Carlos' nightmares would be the exact scene in the office after he'd been shot, James' eyes would be different. When it had really happened, James' hadn't been conscious; his eyes were closed. But in the nightmare, his eyes were Dr. Clark's eyes. Wide open in a cold, dead stare.

That was what got Carlos every time. The eyes were what sent him bolting upright, screaming at the top of his lungs, even though he knew to expect the nightmare. Then the routine would repeat, just like it had every night for the past five; they would all come running in, his mom, Mrs. Knight, Mrs. Diamond, Kendall, Logan, and Katie. But no James. They wouldn't ask him what was wrong; it was irrelevant, they hadn't even needed to ask the first night.

Brooke would make sure he was okay- as 'okay' as he could have been given what he had gone through- and would head back to bed, not because she lacked concern, but because she knew Carlos didn't want to be surrounded, suffocating _every single night._

Mrs. Knight would leave shortly after, followed by Katie. The remaining half of the suffering Big Time Rush would stay along with Sylvia. The mother would coddle her son endlessly, running her hands over his hair, kissing him repeatedly on the forehead, massaging the tense muscles of his shoulders, and whisper soothing words in his ear. Carlos would always calm down after a while. His tears would dry and his shaking would cease. Only then would Sylvia leave, however reluctantly.

Then Kendall and Logan would get their turn with the boy. They wouldn't say anything to him; reassurances were dull statements, no longer promises. They'd been broken too many times in the recent past to be comforting anymore. Logan and Kendall would just sit up with Carlos for the rest of the night, because the only way he could fall asleep without waking up in a cold sweat, screeching his throat raw was if Kendall and Logan were huddled up right next to him.

The first night Carlos had been back at the Palm Woods, and the night of his first nightmare, he'd been so disturbed that Kendall and Logan had sat with him in the bathroom all night because the image of James' lifeless eyes loitering in Carlos' mind even when his eyes were open had literally made him sick. Now Logan and Kendall just stayed in the room with Carlos every night.

But then something changed. On Carlos' fifth day back, the hospital called. They'd been halfway out the door to go there anyway, but Kendall decided to pick up- _just in case, _he'd said.

Everyone watched on anxiously, trying their best to win over the pessimist part of their brains. When Kendall's eyes lit up and his lips curled slightly, the first trace of a smile from any of the seven in a week, the room was awash with relief.

Kendall hung up the phone and turned to them, smiling even broader. "James, he's awake. Like, _awake _awake. He made it!"

Brooke burst into happy tears and shoved the other six through the door. It was time to see her baby boy!

Logan nearly fainted with relief. Carlos wondered idly if seeing James awake and _alive _for the first time since...since the nightmare-inducing event would put a rest to his nightmares. All he had to was look into James' bright, sparkling hazel eyes and maybe reassurances would mean something again.

They were in such an excited rush to get to the hospital to see James that Carlos didn't even take the time to wonder if James' eyes even would be bright and sparkly. After all, he was different. Not as happy or carefree as the old James.

And for good reason.

* * *

><p>Seven panting, shouting people burst into the hospital. Dr. Anderson looked up from where he was chatting briefly with another doctor near the receptionist desk and smiled. He had good news to deliver. Finally.<p>

Dr. Anderson took a few brisk steps to meet the family and friends of James Diamond.

"Good morning, everyone," he greeted pleasantly. "I am very pleased to tell you that James has woken fully from the pseudocoma. His body is weak and he is still quite tired, but you may see him right away. Follow me."

Dr. Anderson asked Carlos how he was feeling, then walked a bit ahead with Sylvia to ask her how he was _really _doing on the way to James' room. She explained to him about the nightmares, and that she was worried and was considering getting Carlos some help, but she knew she couldn't expect Carlos to want to go see a counselor. That would surely only make him worse, the fear of having what happened to James happen to him.

Dr. Anderson said he would talk to the doctors down at the psychiatric department about it. He suggested that if an adult went with Carlos during the sessions, he might feel safer. Sylvia liked the idea.

They made it to James' room and outside the doorway Dr. Anderson decided he would allow all of them in as long as he was in the room as well, and as long as they didn't all crowd around James. Then he opened the door and allowed them to enter before him.

James was half sitting half laying, propped up by his pillows. The first thing they noticed was the bruises splotched across his face. Over a week, they'd faded to a dull yellowish colour, almost gone, but they were still noticeable, discolouring his jaw and cheek.

Next they saw the butterfly bandage over James' left eyebrow, where his temple had been split open from the force of Dr. Clark's fist slamming repeatedly into the boy's head.

James was frowning. But nobody noticed. Despite his injuries, they were all far too excited to see him _awake, _and it took all they had not to run over and smother him like Dr. Anderson had specifically instructed them _not _to do.

"James!" Kendall, Logan, and Carlos cried excitedly. Katie and Mrs. Knight's eyes lit up, Sylvia smiled warmly, and Brooke burst into quiet tears. James looked at them and frowned harder.

"Oh, James, you really need to stop going into comas!" Carlos exclaimed, rushing over to dive on his friend.

"Carlos, stop!" Kendall and Logan shouted. Normally they would have grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him back, but they were mindful of his injured shoulder.

Carlos froze where he stood, in a half crouched position, and slowly uprighted himself.

Dr. Anderson chuckled and advanced closer to the still frowning James. The doctor smiled at him. "James, don't you want to say anything to your family and friends?"

James glanced up at all of them, and frowned even harder. Why did Carlos have his arm in a sling, why was Sylvia here, and why was his mother crying?

"M-mom?" James croaked, and he winced; not only was his throat exceedingly dry, but he felt as though his brain was about to crack right through his skull when he spoke.

Brooke took a step forward and nodded at her son. "May I?" she questioned Dr. Anderson.

"Go ahead." He knew he didn't have to warn her to be gentle; she was his mother, after all.

Brooke strode closer to her son, reaching out as she approached the bed to smooth down his hair. "Hey, baby," she whispered, her voice thick as she struggled to get the words out around the lump in her throat. "How are you feeling?"

How was he feeling? He was in pain, that was how he was feeling. He felt funny, floaty, and more than a bit weirded out after having had been _frozen inside his own freaking body_ for the past week.

But more than that, he felt confused.

James stared up at his mother, his frown as deep as ever. Then he looked past her to Dr. Anderson and asked the question that nobody had expected, the one that chilled everybody to the bone with icy dread.

"Why the hell am I in the hospital?"

* * *

><p><strong>Whoa. Halfway through I started typing this in present tense. I...don't know why. So please ignore any incorrect time clauses. I think that's the word. Excuse my trying to sound smart. Or maybe it's tenses. Time tenses...hmm. Clauses reminds me of Santa Claus which makes me think of Christmas, so I'm gonna stick with that. I feel dumb. :p Ha, ironic, cause I was trying to sound smart like two seconds ago...Okay, I'm done.<strong>

**No I'm not. So I look back on my fic and I laugh because I wanted to end it at chapter 20 (yes, another increment of 5 obsession thing) and now it's like, I could _never _imagine leaving it there and not continuing with all this. Idk, just a random thought for ya. I really feel dumb. :O**

**Okay, so you guys should know that I _hate _writing the mom's, if you couldn't tell. The only reason I'm including Brooke and Sylvia is because I want it to be realistic. So I'm sorry if you wanted to see more of the moms, instead of me just skipping a week. I suppose you could call that lack of creativity. I feel like the dumbest person alive. *_***


	33. Internal

**Sorry for all the email alerts, guys! This is the fourth repost of this chapter. Thanks in the hugest amount to LinaRush for catching and pointing out a HUGE mistake! You're a life saver!**

**One. Week. I just might die.**

Breakdown

Chapter 33: Internal

One week. Seven days. 168 hours. It took 168 hours.

It felt a lot longer.

He could hear the doctors talking when they were in his room. He could feel them adjust his sheets and pillows. He could sense when his friends walked into the room. He could hear them, too, begging him to wake up, telling him about everything that he'd been missing, promising him that they weren't going to give up on him. He could feel them holding his hand and playing with his hair. If only he could _see _them.

He would have cried when he heard his mother's voice for the first time had he been able to form tears. He could hear her crying and whispering. He could feel her kiss his forehead, his cheek. If only he could _hold _her.

James remembered hearing Sylvia's voice, and he wondered fervently why Carlos' mother was here. Had something happened to Carlos, too? Maybe he'd ended up in the hospital along with James? That would make sense; both of the boys were fairly accident-prone. But clearly whatever Carlos' injury had been, it wasn't as severe as James'.

But then he thought that maybe he'd overdosed again. But he would have remembered that, right? The first time he'd done that, he hadn't remembered right away, but it had all came back to him within two minutes.

Only this time he didn't remember doing that. And even though he still couldn't recall what it was that had landed him in the hospital yet again, he was glad he didn't remember overdosing. He probably hadn't. Which was good; he'd promised, not only his friends and his mother, but himself, that he would _never _do that again.

But what _had _he done? He just wanted to wake up and ask what had happened.

But none of that was possible. The only thing he could do was listen to their pleading, broken voices and try as hard as he could to move.

Which he couldn't.

Until it had been 168 hours.

James was laying awake, well, internally, and he had been _still _wondering what the heck had happened that had landed him in the hospital in such a condition. Despite everything he'd overheard from the doctors and nurses and his friends and mother on their daily visits, he hadn't heard anything that could clue him in to the cause of his damage. It was beyond frustrating.

So was the inability to move. The longer James was frozen, the more afraid he became. Of course, nothing could compare to the first day, when he'd had no idea why he couldn't move. But even now that he knew, it, obviously, gave him no assurance. He didn't even know _if _he was ever going to fully wake up, if he'd ever be able to move, to _open his god damn eyes _again.

So, no, knowing that the reason he was fully paralyzed was because he was in a freaking _psuedocoma _wasn't assuring. It was unsettling.

But then James felt the twitch. At first he thought somebody had managed to sneak into the room without him hearing, even though his sense of hearing had intensified over the past week, since it was all he had to rely on.

But he knew he would have heard. There was just no way anybody could be that quiet. So then James thought he'd just imagined it. But he felt it again, something touching- no, _moving- _his toe. It had moved. But he hadn't done it. There was just no way. It had been too long; he didn't even remember how to command his brain to fire movement into his nerves. His muscles were slack and frozen forever.

But, again! A twitch. This time James _knew _it was him. He'd moved his toe. _He'd moved. _

Just to be sure his mind wasn't tricking him, overwhelmed with desperation and resignation, James tried again, this time concentrating on making his entire foot move.

His first attempt was in vain; nothing happened. But he'd just done it without even trying; he could do it again.

James focused all of his attention, all of his strength, which was miniscule, hardly even existent, into moving his foot.

Five seconds went by, as he strained harder than he thought necessary. Ten seconds. Still nothing, no movement. He was just about to give up again, when-

_Yes!_

His ankle twitched, sending a tingling sensation shooting up his leg. It was a pins and needles sensation, one he always found uncomfortable, but right now he couldn't imagine a better feeling. Except maybe for the cool sensation of ice cream on his tongue. Ah, yes, ice cream sounded _so good _right about then.

James nearly drifted off into a creamy chocolate-and-vanilla haze when he remembered that he had much more important things to focus on right now. Like opening his eyes. That was what he wanted to do first, mainly because he wanted to be able to _see for the first time _in far too long, but also because his eyes were to only part of his body not being pricked and pins and needles at that moment.

Forcing his eyes to open was even more challenging than moving his foot had been. He fought himself for nearly three minutes before, finally, after an entire _week_, his eyelids lifted and vision was his again.

Somewhat.

This time there were no blinding white lights. Not that he would have minded; he was _awake, _that was all that mattered. He would actually have welcomed the bright cornea-scorchers had they been there.

But everything was blurry. He couldn't see anything except vague outlines, all grey, colourless.

He suddenly realized how dry his mouth and throat were. Not nearly as bad as the first time he'd woken up from a coma, but still enough to cause him great discomfort. He opened his mouth, deciding to give speaking a shot while he waited for his eyes to readjust to actually _seeing _things.

But he was far too parched to make a sound. So he settled for continuing to force movement back into his weak muscles. Maybe if he got his heart rate up, one of the machines would beep and notify a passing nurse. He really wanted that, to be noticed right then. And not in the way he usually liked to be noticed.

So he worked on returning feeling and mobility to his muscles. It was strenuous work. James prayed fervently that he wouldn't have to go to therapy or something to regain all of his strength back. This was all just too much.

Soon enough, James felt his legs begin to tingle. He kicked at his sheets. His legs were way too heavy. Next, he could feel his arms. He could roll over. It took a long time, but finally he was able to roll over slightly and reach his hundred pound arm out and press the call button. He pulled his arm back and flopped flat on the bed, the minimal movement leaving him utterly spent.

James fought to keep his eyes open while he awaited the arrival of a nurse. His raw, sore throat was the only thing keeping him from falling back into oblivion. And, maybe the fact that he was too scared to let his eyes close in fear of not waking up, _again,_ was part of it, too. Maybe a big part of it.

He was surprised at how quickly the nurse got there. She entered the room and smiled at him through her slightly flustered look.

"Welcome back hun. So nice to see you awake. How are you feeling? Any pain, numbness, confusion?"

James wanted to scream at her 'Uh, is _all of the above an option? !' but _his throat was still too dry to speak.

The nurse noticed this right away. "Of course, you must be parched, poor thing. I'll be back with some water and your doctor in a jiffy!"

She bounced out of the room, and James cursed this real life deja vu. He couldn't believe it was happening to him again. And he didn't even know why! He wasn't totally sure, but he thought that maybe he'd rather be waking up from this psuedocoma thing because he _had _overdosed again rather than not knowing what had caused it at all. But he wasn't totally sure.

Once again mimicking perfectly the last time he'd woken up in an all to similar state, the nurse returned with water and Dr...Anderson?

Dr. Anderson smiled grandly at James, genuinely happy, relieved, and excited that his young patient was fully awake. He was glad not just for James, but for is friends and family as well, of course. For once, he was actually looking forward to having news for them!

James, on the other hand, wasn't too glad to see Dr. Anderson. Sure, he was a nice guy, a great doctor, but having him again made James all the more weary of the overdose possibility. Plus, the word _doctor _scratched at the back of his mind, as if trying to pull something from his memory. It scared him.

James shook off the uneasy feeling and took his water from the nurse, sipping it greedily. He felt like he hadn't drank in _months, _not a week.

"James Diamond," Dr. Anderson began, and James couldn't help but feel a little abashed. Twice now he'd woken from a coma or a coma-like state under the care of Dr. Anderson. Of course, this one might not have been his fault...

Dr. Anderson was speaking to him, but James couldn't focus on anything the man was saying. He was trying too hard, searching his memory to its extremities in his desperation to understand why the word _doctor _was suddenly so terrifying to him. But apparently the extremities of his mind weren't vast enough; he still came up blank.

"...give your family and friends a call. Your mother's been here, as well."

James blinked, snapping to attention at the words. His mom? Childish may it sound, he _really _wanted to see his mom right then. He missed her like crazy, and for some reason he felt like lately he'd wanted her more than usual. He just _couldn't remember why!_

And his friends. They were all okay? It was just him hospitalized? That really made him feel heavy with dread at the thought that in that case, maybe he _had _overdosed.

But then he realized just how much he hurt. Well, it wasn't an intense pain, more of a dull throbbing, but the fact that he did hurt at all, pretty much everywhere, hinted that he _hadn't _overdosed after all. How would he have possibly ended up with so many injuries by swallowing some pills? It didn't add up; therefore, he hadn't OD-ed. Well, good, but what _had _he done?

James wanted to ask Dr. Anderson why he _was _in the freaking hospital. But his mouth was still too dry, and his entire face felt puffy, and he was tired.

"If I call them now, we both know they'll be here in no less than fifteen minutes," Dr. Anderson said lightly, and James was absolutely _dying _to know why '_doctor' _was disturbing him so much!

Dr...er, _Mr. _Anderson continued. Mr. Yeah, that was good. "...just rest. I'll bring them in when they get here. Now, do you have any concerns, any questions?"

Well, yeah, he did, plenty, but he could already feel the tug on his eyelids, the craving to close them, just for a moment...

James stupidly didn't ask. He barely managed a shake of the head before he drifted off.

* * *

><p>The next time he'd woken up, unbeknownst to him as a mere eleven minutes later, the nurse from before was standing next to his heart monitor scribbling something down on a chart. She smiled at him.<p>

"Hey, handsome. Dr. Anderson just went down to grab your family. They'll be right up. And your vitals are looking very good, considering." She winked at him. "You're doing good, hun."

James ignored her last comment. He didn't care that she was young, blonde, and pretty. He didn't even notice, actually. All he'd noticed was her third sentence, if one counted '_Hey, handsome' _a sentence. She'd said '_Your vitals are looking very good, considering.' Considering. _What the hell was that supposed to mean? He knew he was banged up. He could feel it. His ribs were wrapped tight, and every inch of his face seemed to pulse with his beating heart.

_Considering. _His friends would be here soon enough. And his mother. Then he'd finally be able to understand what had landed him in here.

The nurse offered to help him into a sitting position, and he gratefully accepted, not in possession of any pride to be too proud to accept the offer. His ribs hurt enough with her gentle assistance- he was an inch away from crying out in pain. There was no way he'd have been able to sit up himself.

A sharp flare of pain shooting across his torso later, James was half-sitting, half-laying, and the nurse was fluffing his pillows.

Another few seconds later and she was smiling at him as she left the room.

James gazed around the room while he waited. But he wasn't inspecting it. It was nothing interesting, just a boring white room filled with beeping machines and the strong smell of disinfectant and the glaringly obvious indication of something bad, the something that James couldn't recall.. James barely even noticed any of that. His mind was too busy wondering what was going to happen when he saw his friends and his mother. Would they tell him what happened right away? Would their eyes give it away before they had a chance to say anything? Would they cry at the sight of him awake?

He hoped for the first. Above anything, he just wanted to know why he was here. His mother's sobbing and his friends' hugs could follow.

But when they came into the room, his brain and his mouth couldn't form the question right away. Seeing them sent a shock running through his body, liked he'd been electrocuted. He'd been able to hear them for a week, but he hadn't been able to see them. He didn't notice till now just how unnerving that had been. And so instead of talking, he just laid there and stared at them, taking them in. He went months without seeing his mother anyway, but even back in Minnesota, he'd seen his friends and even Katie and Mrs. Knight practically every day. He couldn't believe he'd nearly forgotten what they looked like.

Now James didn't know what to say. The question that had been eating away at his mind ever since he woke up fled his brain, and now he had no idea how to begin a conversation.

Fortunately for him, he didn't have to worry about that. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan all shouted his name in unison, excitement brightening their eyes and lighting up their faces. James just frowned, even as his mother started crying softly.

"Oh James, you really need to stop going into comas!" Carlos cried, and he began to charge at James, unable to control his joy.

James winced, not because he was afraid of Carlos landing on him and hurting him further, even though Carlos was obviously hurt himself; his right arm was in a sling.

"Carlos, stop!" Logan and Kendall shouted. James watched as Carlos halted in a half-crouched position, ready to launch himself onto James' bed. He slowly stood upright, turning to inflict a look of confusion and innocence on his two friends, wondering why it wasn't allowed of him to hug his recently-awoken-from-a-psuedocoma best friend. He _missed _him, and that wasn't okay?

But he reminded himself of James' injuries and decided that Kendall and Logan were right in stopping him from causing his poor friend any more pain.

Dr. Anderson smiled as he made his way over to James, and James couldn't help but try to shrink back a little. He wasn't afraid of Dr. Anderson; he'd been nothing but polite to James the last time he'd been in this spot, but there was still something about the word _doctor _that just got to him and made his stomach clench and his palms go clammy.

"James, don't you want to say anything to your family?" Dr. Anderson asked nicely, and James glanced from his warm, smiling face to the tear-streaked face of his mother. And...was that Carlos' mom standing beside her? Alright, so whatever had happened, Carlos had been involved, too. Maybe it _had _been one of their stupid, reckless stunts.

But James didn't spend too much time dwelling on that possibility. He needed his mother to be closer to him. He needed to hear her voice, and to see her stop crying. He was fine- well, besides being unable to recall why the hell he was here.

So he opened his mouth and spoke for the first time in a week, wincing at how hoarse and raspy his voice was, and how badly it hurt his throat. But he pushed through the pain, desperate for answers. "M-Mom?" he croaked. His head hurt, too.

Brooke looked up at him, wiping away her tears. She stepped forward and nodded at him.

"May I?" She directed her question at the doctor.

"Go ahead."

James watched with growing anxiety as his mother made her way over to him. Upon reaching him, she ran her hand over his hair, which- _groan- _he was sure was even more dull and lifeless than it had been lately. But he had more important things to worry about than hair. Shockingly.

"Hey baby, how are you feeling?" his mother whispered gently, continuing to stroke his hair.

Saying he felt like crap would not only be an understatement, but it would get him no closer to the answer he was _aching _to receive. He had to ask before she got carried away and cried so hard to the point where she couldn't answer him. Maybe he shouldn't ask her at all. She probably wasn't the best person in the room to answer that question, anyway.

So James, frowning even harder, looked past her and locked his eyes on- _shudder- Dr. _Anderson. He didn't know what to expect; the answer, everyone's reactions, all out in the open. At that point he didn't really care. He just _needed to know._

So he asked. He asked why he was in the hospital.

And everything stopped.

Time froze. Everybody's faces featured the same shocked, disbelieving expressions. Even Dr. Anderson's. He had not been expecting that question. There had been no signs of amnesia. He felt like the worst doctor in existence. _He hadn't even run any tests to check for amnesia._

Brooke looked like she'd been slapped. She teetered, stumbling back away from the bed a bit. She could hear six gasps behind her. Her baby! How much did he not remember? How could this be happening to him? Why, why, _why!_

Brooke whirled, turning on Dr. Anderson. Her eyes were on fire. She looked like she was torn between being furious and shouting at him, and collapsing. She went startlingly pale. "Why can't he remember?" Her voice was low, nearly silent. It grew in both volume and velocity as she continued to rage. "Why can't he remember? ! How did you miss this? ! You're going to _fix him!"_

James wanted to cry as he beheld the situation unfolding before him. He felt the tears burn behind his eyes, but he did not let them spill over. He could see beyond his shrieking mother that everyone else was in shock; their eyes held the same disbelief as his mother's had, and they all stood unmoving, with mouths agape. Katie and Carlos looked about ready to pass out. Kendall looked like he was staring to get angry like James' mother. Logan, Sylvia, and Mrs. Knight just blinked and gawked. So, no, James couldn't cry. He had to keep a firm grip on his resolve when nobody else could.

He attempted to speak over his mother's frantic voice, ringing high and loud throughout the room, echoing off the walls and reverberating from the corners, making his head feel as though it was a war zone internally. He gripped at his hair and cried out. Loudly. The utterance of pain was enough to make his mother's voice cut off mid-shout. All eyes were on him.

Dr. Anderson hurried over to James' bed, as did Brooke. Dr. Anderson held out a hand to keep her back. "The last thing he needs right now is to be smothered. Please, stay back."

"You expect me to let you take care of my son when you, a so called _'certified doctor' _didn't even know he had memory loss? !"

"Mom, please," James moaned. He could hold back the tears no longer. The internal dam broke, and the tears gushed out, releasing both his physical and emotion agony. He couldn't handle the pain, he couldn't handle the lack of memory, and he couldn't handle the breakdown his mother was on the verge of. He'd had so many breakdowns already, and he didn't want to see his mother in the midst of one.

Brooke just shook her head. She knew shouting wasn't going to bring her son's memory back, but it was pure instinct to shout and demand repairs and answers.

Dr. Anderson cleared his throat. "Mrs. Diamond, I believe I know why James is unable to recall the incident that led him to be here. But I need to ask him a few questions, to support my theory."

Brooke glared at him. What good would questions do? If he and the other doctors hadn't noticed anything in her baby's brain activity that might prove his amnesia, what good would pestering him do?

But if it could help prove whatever Dr. Anderson's theory was in the slightest-whatever it was- and if his theory meant they were able to fix the memory loss, then she would take it. Anything to mend her boy.

Brooke nodded reluctantly, and Dr. Anderson nodded back and politely asked everyone, including Mrs. Diamond, to leave the room.

They all gave James small smiles, attempting to reassure him, but it was impossible to be convincing when they weren't even assured themselves.

Brooke gave her son a chaste kiss on the head, squeezed his hand, told him to stay strong, and followed the other mom's through the door.

Dr. Anderson turned to James, but before he could begin, James spoke.

"What happened to Carlos?"

Dr. Anderson shook his head internally. This boy just discovered he had memory loss, and he was more concerned about his friend than himself. Dr. Anderson had seen the unbreakable strength of the bond between these boys before, but it never ceased to amaze him. They were the epitome of selfless when it came to each other's needs.

"I'm not sure Carlos would want you to find out in this way. I'll leave it up to him to decide when and how he wants to tell you." Dr. Anderson was fairly sure Carlos wouldn't mind if he told James right then, but he wanted to respect the younger boy.

James frowned. Why couldn't he just know, and now? He already forgot a lot of stuff; why should this be kept from him? It was beyond frustrating, but deep in the back of his mind, James knew to go along with whatever Dr. Anderson asked of him; he was the doctor, he knew best.

James blew out a rush of air from between tight lips and nodded. "Alright. I'm ready."

Dr. Anderson picked up his clipboard, and James felt a funny twist in his gut. He ignored it. He was nervous because of his memory loss, that was all.

"What is the last thing you remember?" Dr. Anderson questioned. "Describe as much as you can. What's the last thing you remember doing, the last person you saw? Anything and everything you recall, no matter how seemingly insignificant."

James bit the inside of his cheek as he considered. "I...My very last clear memory is going to sleep. It was...I don't know the exact date. I was sick. Or, just getting over being sick. We'd been back from our tour for about a week. I was starting to feel better. I had something big planned the next day...I don't remember what. It's like I went to sleep that night and woke up here."

Dr. Anderson nodded and wrote something on his clipboard for a moment, and the movement of the pen made James dizzy. There was something about the clipboard that bothered James, that perturbed his mind and made shivers erupt and roll down his spine. His skin was raised with goosebumps. He chest felt tight. He didn't say anything, because the instant Dr. Anderson stopped writing and looked back up at him, his eyes warm and friendly, James' anxiety evaporated.

"Alright. You said that was your last _clear _memory. Have you had any hazy flashes, any pictures run through your mind, things that you didn't recognize?"

All at once the cold, numb feeling was back. Scared. He was scared. But he had no indication as to why. Maybe talking about it _would _help.

"Well-" His voice wavered, and he paused a moment. "When I was in the psuedocoma, I...the word 'doctor' really bothered me, for some reason. I didn't visually remember anything, but certain little things disturbed me. It's still happening. You writing on your clipboard. I don't why or what it is exactly, but it's making me feel...weird."

Dr. Anderson nodded. "I'm sorry, James, but I have to get this down," he explained, lifting his clipboard.

"I know. It's okay."

Dr Anderson resumed his note taking. "Can you elaborate on this feeling of 'weirdness'?" he asked without looking up, still writing.

James sucked in a deep breath. "Well, watching you write makes me feel shaky and cold and a little sick to my stomach and my mind is screaming at me, telling me something bad is connected to the clipboard and the word 'doctor', but I just... I have no idea what it is." James brought both fists down onto the bed and let out a frustrated huff. "Will I ever remember? Myself, I mean, without needing to be told."

Dr. Anderson capped his pen and looked up at James' solemn face.

"That's up to you."

* * *

><p>"Well?"<p>

"I'll have some tests run to make sure the head damage isn't the cause of the memory loss," Dr. Anderson informed his patient's family and friends. "His brain swelled and that was why he was fell into the psuedocoma; it's possible that may be the cause of the amnesia. But-" he continued, and all attention remained firmly on him and his words. "-I strongly believe head trauma is not the cause. The last thing James remembers is going to bed one night while he was recovering from sickness. Based on what you've told me, I can presume that was the night before his first counseling session; James doesn't remember any of his counseling sessions, or any of you even mentioning therapy. He also experiences discomfort at hearing the word 'doctor' and he become quite agitated when I began writing on my clipboard. My belief is that James is repressing any and all memory of counseling. It is quite possible, given that many victims of traumatic experiences force the memory or anything that reminds them of the memory out of their mind. However, the memory is still in James' mind, just hidden. There is no telling whether or not he will remember; it is up to his subconscious to decide. I will leave it up to you to decide whether or not you would like to tell him. But right now we are going to run a couple of tests to make sure that head trauma is not the cause. I will inform you right away if it is. Do you have any concerns or questions?"

Brooke finally closed her mouth, then opened it again to ask "Is it...would it be better if we _did _tell him? Safer, for him?"

"I cannot say for sure if the memories will resurface on their own, and if they do, when. If they do, there is a possibility that James will lapse into a state of depression, indifference, or he may not be affected by it at all. It's impossible to predict. The decision it solely up to you. I don't want to make a bias here. I honestly cannot say which is the better option; telling him or not telling him."

Brooke nodded slowly, staring straight ahead, as if in a daze.

Logan piped up with an inquiry of his own. "Is this a form of PTSD?" he questioned.

Dr. Anderson nodded gravely. "Yes. Repressing unwanted memories is a sign of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."

Carlos bit his lip to hold back a sob. He felt awful, at blame. If only he'd been smarter, faster, maybe he could have prevented this, prevented getting shot...

But he knew that by the time he'd entered the room with James and...and the man who had done this to them, that James had already been affected. It was inevitable.

Carlos sank into his mother's comforting arms. She kissed him on the head

Dr. Anderson went off then, presumably to run the tests, and the seven he left stood frozen to the spot, nothing if not a little stupefied.

Finally Kendall spoke up. "So it's all up to us. We have three options here. We tell him and whatever happens happens, we don't tell him and he doesn't remember, or we don't tell him, he remembers, freaks out, and hates us for not telling him." He rubbed his hands over his eyes and sighed loudly. "This is...just too much."

Mrs. Knight stepped forward. "I think it's best that we tell him. Rather him find out now, with all of us here to support him, than for him to remember at a time we least expect, and panic." She turned to Brooke. "But you're his mother," she said. "It's ultimately up to you. What do you want? What do you think is best for your child?"

Brooke closed her eyes for a moment, and she could feel everybody else's on her. They were waiting. James was waiting. Her mind tossed the options around, the possibilities, the potential consequences, the unpredictable outcomes...nothing kept him safe from his own mind. Which ever way she decided to go, he would be hurt. She figured he wanted to know, anyway, and besides, if they didn't tell him, how would they explain Carlos' injury? And what could they say to him? Sorry, we know you're dying to find out what happened, but too bad, kiddo, we ain't telling you? Lie to him, make something up in a futile attempt to protect him? Then a month later she'd be receiving a phone call from Jennifer telling her that James woke up screaming in the middle of the night and was torn between being afraid of leaving the apartment and hating all of them for not telling him in the first place. The only thing that made sense was telling him.

But then, what if they didn't tell him, and he never did remember? He would never have to worry, never have to recall the horrifying events...but was that a risk worth taking?

Brooke opened her eyes. Seven pairs of troubled ones peered back at her. Still she was hesitant to make a final decision. Which option would do her baby best? Which would keep him most sane? Or would he suffer from flashbacks and trust issues his entire life either way?

He would, she realized. It didn't matter what she decided.

James was scarred forever.

* * *

><p><strong>No, James is <em>not <em>going to end up with the nurse. She's not that important. Notice I've strayed from romance so far. Yeah, not introducing it now. Sorry any hopefuls! I'm also sorry this took SO FREAKING LONG!. :p Lets just say that laptops are good for carrying around, but they are also good for breaking down. No pun intended. x_x**


	34. Repression

**Wrote one of my fave scenes from the entire story in this chapter. I think it's an easy guess as to which one.**

**Exciting Fact: It's 2:30 in the morning and a flock of geese just flew over my house and scared the crap out of me. Now you may proceed. **

**BIG TIME MOVIE! ! ! ! ! Just saying.**

Breakdown

Chapter 34: Repression

Jo walked into the waiting room of the LA Hospital and was instantly awash with worry. Kendall, Logan, Carlos, Katie, Mrs. Knight, Mrs. Diamond and Mrs. Garcia were sitting tight-lipped and pale-faced, visibly troubled. Jo gulped nervously. Something was up.

She knew it had to be James. She was aware of his return to consciousness; Kendall had called not long ago, but his voice had been seemingly strained, like he was exasperated but also holding back a much more somber emotion. The only thing Jo could come up with was a complication of some sort, involving James.

Jo hurried over to where the weary, somber group waited. All Kendall could offer her as she came over was a nod of acknowledgment. Not even a smile. Not even a _half _a smile. Yes, something bad had happened.

As if the exhausted, discouraged expressions on the faces of them all wasn't proof enough, the tension was a dead give-away. The air was thick enough to slice through with a single word; nobody spoke. Even the other habitants of the waiting room seemed to be silent. Jo was not the one to break the silence as she sat down; Dr. Anderson was as he appeared.

Before he'd even approached them they knew. The look on his face said it all; apologetic eyes, mouth set in a thin line, a grim demeanor chasing him around like it had been all of them for a ridiculously long time.

Dr. Anderson stopped in front of them as they all stood up, except for Kendall and Logan, both of whom had been pacing restlessly. They looked wearily at Dr. Anderson.

"We ran the tests," he stated. "There is no sign of head trauma causing a lapse in memory. It's repression."

Brooke shook her head as she turned away. That was it then. She had to tell him. They couldn't fix it; it was all a waiting game, unless she chose to save him the suffering and torture of remembering at the worst possible time, as opposed to just telling him now and getting it over with. It was the only way that made sense, and even though none of her limited options would do him any _good, _telling him before the memories resurfaced on their own at any random moment would do him _best._

...Wouldn't it?

* * *

><p>James flicked his gaze up from where it had been steadily trained on the big needle stuck into the top of his hand to the door when Dr. Anderson and his mother came in. He could see everyone else gathered in the hallway by his door. He was a little surprised to see Jo there as well, but he pushed his curiosity aside and asked if his friends could come in before Brooke or the doctor had a chance to speak.<p>

"It'd be best not to-"

"Yes," Brooke interrupted. She nodded firmly at Dr. Anderson. "Those boy's are practically James' brothers. I honestly think them being in here when James hears this will make it easier on him. Besides, they were there for everything. They know more than you or I do."

Dr. Anderson supposed that was a fair point, and he went back to the door and called the boys in. While the females remained waiting in the hall, respectful and understanding of the request, the boys followed Dr. Anderson over to James' bed with fake smiles plastered on their faces.

"Hey bud, how are you feeling?" Logan asked.

"I just want to know what happened." James' voice was quiet, sustained. He could have yelled if he wanted to. He _did _want to. But he didn't have the energy.

Logan nodded. "I know. That...that's what we're here to tell you." He took a shaky breath and backed up a step as Dr. Anderson took over.

"First of all, James, you need to be aware that this may be very hard on you. If at any point you want us to stop speaking, just interrupt. We won't force you to listen if you feel you can't."

James nodded. He understood. But was it really that bad? He was beginning to have second thoughts. Maybe he didn't want to know. With the way everyone was acting and talking, he felt more and more nervous. Was it worth hearing?

_Yes, it is, _he decided. No matter how bad it was, he knew that _not _knowing would bother him even more.

So James gave a firm nod and said "I'm ready."

* * *

><p>"You remember your suicide attempt."<p>

Nod.

"And you remember everything that happened after that."

Nod.

"Except for any mention of counseling."

Pause. Head shake.

"We...we talked about counseling?"

"Yes. Throughout all those weeks you remember, the discussion of therapy was a major one."

James shook his head again. "I don't...I don't remember that."

"Well, there's more, so sit tight."

"We didn't just discuss counseling." Logan picked up from where Kendall had left off. "You actually attended counseling. You thought you wouldn't like it, but you didn't actually mind it that much. And it was helping. You were getting better..." He trailed off. James had been getting better. Then Dr. Clark had gone and threatened him and messed him up again. But James didn't remember that. And now, making him relive it...it just wasn't fair. It was even more unfair to James than letting him suffer through the loss of memory would be.

"You were getting better," Logan repeated in a whisper. "...and that's why we can't do this."

Four heads jerked sharply towards him, and James' eyes, already having been staring at Logan, narrowed.

"_What?" _Kendall took an angry step closer to Logan._ "_Logan, we agreed already-"

"I don't care. We can't make him relive that! Are _you _forgetting something: how messed up he's been? ! I'm not going to let him go through that again, the nightmares, the screaming, the helplessness-"

"That's not your decision to make, Logan!"

James watched the engagement with growing impatience and increasing worry. He didn't want his friends to be fighting over this, but with the things they were saying, he wasn't so sure he _did _want to know. Maybe Logan was right. Maybe he shouldn't try to remember; maybe he should let them protect him. It seemed serious enough, whatever it was, and even though that only made the wonder more intense, maybe it was worth it.

_The nightmares? The screaming, the helplessness? _Those certainly sounded like things associated with horrible, terrorizing memories.

But then again, Kendall had a point, too. It wasn't Logan's decision; it was his. All his. He, ultimately, was the one to decide whether he wanted to know what had landed him in the hospital or not. And though that concern had been the first thing on his mind when he'd woken up- the _only _thing on his mind- he wasn't so sure it was all that crucial to know anymore.

Shouting and arguing brought James back to present events, and just as he was about to shout himself, to get Logan and Kendall and now Carlos to stop hollering, he saw it.

Dr. Anderson's face. It was warped, altering, twisting and melding into someone else's face. His thin bronze hair thickened and lightened. The slight wrinkles in his forehead smoothed out, and he took on a more youthful appearance, appearing now to be between thirty and thirty-five, as opposed to just over forty. And his smile...that smile. It grew and grew and grew, and his lips pulled apart to reveal sparkling white teeth. But they weren't shiny with health and happiness. No, they glinted. Glinted evilly, with contempt. James could see it in the eyes, once brown, now chillingly icy blue. It didn't matter that this new man was smiling; James could _feel _the immorality radiating off of him. He was the opposite of Dr. Anderson; harmful, sinister, a monstrosity. James didn't know how he knew this. He just _did._

But wait...wasn't this man familiar, somehow? From somewhere? Wasn't he part of the reason James was...

James choked on the gasp that tried to force its way from his throat. Not because he'd realized who this man was, but because he realized why he was staring at James with such a reproachful smirk.

Everybody else was gone. They had simply disappeared without attracting his attention. Now it was just him and this horrid being Dr. Anderson had turned into. James' eyes went from the menacing smile to the object in Dr. Clark's hand.

_Dr. Clark? Where did that name come from?..._

James couldn't dwell on it, because he'd made the fatal mistake of blinking, and now the gun was already smoking...

* * *

><p>Sylvia's heart stopped. Jennifer's skipped a beat, Jo's dropped to her feet, and Katie's nearly slammed out of her chest when the spine-tingling, pulse-racing scream ripped from the room and pierced the air. The entire hospital had to have heard it, and now there was pandemonium. Nurses were bustling down the hall, appearing from nowhere and everywhere, rushing into the room.<p>

James' room.

The shrieks didn't cease, only grew in volume, and Katie instinctively slapped her hands over her ears. She didn't want to hear her brother's best friend wailing like that, but her small hands offered no protection from the awful sound, not even the faintest smothering. She spun and buried her face against her mother's chest, feeling her heart match Jennifer's in it's rapid thrumming.

Jo's hand went over her mouth, and tears quickly sprung to her eyes. She wanted, exactly like the rest of them, to run in there after the nurses to find out what was accounting for the horrible, horrible noises coming from her friend. But she felt Sylvia's arm on hers, preventing her from bursting into the room, despite the fact that Jo already knew better than to get in the way of the nurses even though every fiber of her being was crackling with the tension of restraint.

Katie sobbed loudly. She didn't care if she looked weak; the concern never even crossed her mind. This wasn't about her. It was about James, and right now, he was being broken down, and therefore, so was she, and everyone else here for him.

They stood there and listened to the screams and the shouts of the nurses and doctors, until, at length, the screeches died down, and a soft sobbing could be heard.

Katie lifted her head from her mother's shoulder as Jo shakily asked "W-what do you think h-happened?"

Mrs Knight shook her head as she pulled Katie even closer to her. "They told him."

Jo spun and began pacing, taking five steps down the hall and five steps back, over and over in succession. She'd only recently found out about this entire thing; it had only been a week. She never knew that James' counseling sessions had all been part of a plot for revenge. Sick, twisted, inconceivable revenge.

She'd felt bad enough when Kendall had told her, but now this; hearing, not even yet seeing, James in a state of sheer terror. How was he supposed to go on? How would he ever trust again? And worse yet, how would he get help? He clearly needed it, but it was impossible for anyone to expect him to go back to another counselor. He'd be haunted by nightmares every night; he'd flinch every time he passed by a stranger, have a meltdown if ever he saw someone who resembled Dr. Clark...

It just wasn't fair. Jo was sure all four of the boys had thought that too many times to count already, but it was so true, and though Jo knew sympathy would do nothing for the shattered boy, it was all she could offer. No words, no gentle touch, would ever soothe the internal agony or heal the scars of his mind. He was truly, utterly broken.

Maybe beyond repair.

* * *

><p><em>Clark. Why is that name so familiar? I <em>know _this guy... _

_He's a doctor? How?_

_Oh, god, he wants to kill me. Wait, he already did kill me._

_So I must be in hell. But if I was, wouldn't he still be standing there?_

James' thoughts raced around in his head, crashing into each other, blending together, but ultimately leading him to realize two things: Dr. Clark was gone. And James had no idea why he was so scared of him.

Gradually James' senses returned. He could hear voices, a multitude of them, far more than just those of Dr. Anderson, his mother, and his three friends.

And now he could see the source of the voices: Several nurses were crowded about the room, attempting to calm him down. It wasn't until then that he noticed just how worked up he really was.

He knew he'd been screaming, but he also felt himself trembling hard, and sweat had broken out upon his entire body. He felt very hot yet was experiencing unsettling chills simultaneously. Only his face felt cool, and wet. He wiped hastily at his tears and blinked the remaining ones from his eyes, peering up at the group of unfamiliar faces.

"James, my baby, what happened? ! Doctor, what happened to him? James, please, answer me!"

He saw, looking past the new nurses, his friends, all with panic-stricken expressions, holding onto his mother as she struggled in their grasps to reach out for him.

Brooke took notice of James' sudden calmness and relaxed a tiny bit herself. The boys released her, and she hurried up beside Dr. Anderson, who was telling the other nurses that they could leave; the teen didn't need to be restrained, or crowded.

James' eyes went wide, and he winced. Had they really been planning on _restraining_ him?

Everything seemed sped up. One of the nurses said something to Dr. Anderson that was inaudible to James, and then she and the rest of the nurses filed out of the room.

It seemed like only a second had gone by since James had returned to reality, and already he was composed again. He wasn't even sure why he'd been freaking out in the first place. One moment Kendall and Logan had been fighting, the next James was screaming his head off. But at _what? _Another thing he couldn't remember.

"James? Are you with us?"

James stared at the remaining occupants of his room. They looked worried. Right, because something was wrong with him. He should probably answer them.

James nodded slowly, though he wasn't sure he really _was _with them. He just felt so out of it. But he affirmed his awareness with a small nod.

Brooke hovered closer over the bed. "Sweetie, what just happened? Are you okay? Can you speak? Are you-"

"Mom, I..." But _what was he? _He wasn't fine like he was going to say. He was far from it.

Fresh tears welled up in James' eyes. He may not know what he _was, _but he certainly knew what he _wasn't._

Himself.

* * *

><p>Sylvia and Jo glanced over at the door as it opened and the gloomy looking- no, gloomy was an understatement- scared, hurt, frustrated, confused, exhausted, wrecked-looking boys slumped out, minus James, of course. Logan, the last one out, closed the door behind him, a sign that Dr. Anderson and Brooke had some private or more serious matters to discuss within earshot of James.<p>

The other three boys of the suffering Big Time Rush were pale and visibly shaken up, but how could they not be? The four ladies in the hall had been horrified enough themselves when they'd heard the screams; Logan, Kendall, and Carlos had been _in the room. _It was no wonder they looked so deeply, deeply disturbed.

Kendall went to Jo and she wrapped her arms around him in a embrace that was not remotely comforting.

Carlos shuffled over to his mom and let her half hug him the best she could with his injury and sling in the way, and she stroked his hair and whispered soothing words to him as he silently wept. Logan was left standing awkwardly in the middle of the hall, but he didn't think too much of it. His mind was on more pressing matters, like the one Jo voiced not a second later.

"What happened in there?" she murmured, leaning her head on Kendall's shoulder.

Logan sucked in a lungful of air and expelled it before replying, "He's starting to remember...at least, that's what I think. We hadn't even told him anything, and he just...went off like he remembered himself."

Kendall shook his head and glanced down the hall to avoid making eye contact with anyone. In the middle of the chaos, he'd forgotten about his and Logan's quarrel. He still wasn't sure about what Logan had said, but he didn't want to think about that now. James had just remembered something on his own, possibly. Probably. Would he remember all of it in time? And if so, in how _much _time?

"Is he...alright?" Sylvia questioned.

Logan shrugged. "He calmed right down after a minute. It was as if it hadn't happened. It was so..."

"Awful." Carlos sobbed loudly, but he only allowed that one to escape. He didn't want to cry; he wanted to be strong. For James. It was just so, so hard.

They fell into silence then, unsure of what to say, unable to think of anything _to _say.

Finally Kendall asked where his mother and sister were.

"Your mother took Katie to the washroom to freshen up. She was a bit of a mess after we heard..." Sylvia trailed off, not eager to mention the heart-stopping shrieks.

Kendall just nodded vaguely and continued to stare down the long white corridor.

After a few minutes Katie and Mrs. Knight still hadn't returned, and Brooke and Dr. Anderson were still in the room with James. Logan was the only one facing Carlos and his mom, and him being Logan, it was no surprise that he spotted it; the crease in Carlos' forehead, the way his lips kept twitching, and the unusual paleness that washed out his normally tan complexion. He was in pain.

"Carlos, what's wrong buddy? Your shoulder bothering you?"

Carlos glanced up sharply, not expecting to hear that question. He figured everyone was so lost in their own thoughts that nobody would notice. Honestly, he hadn't really noticed it himself; he was scarcely aware of the pain, but now that Logan mentioned it, he realized that his shoulder was throbbing with a unpleasant burning sensation.

But he figured it wasn't his place to complain; he'd taken a bullet, yet he was still in better shape than James. His best friend lying in a hospital bed, suffering both mentally and physically alike, that was where all their concerns should lay, and only there. Carlos' injury was a scratch compared to _all _of James', in a broad spectrum. Carlos was stable mentally.

But all attention had been called to him, and he was beginning to think that maybe he should just admit that his bullet wound was causing him a fairly great amount of discomfort. After all, it wasn't like they were helping James by just standing out here, and it wasn't like Carlos informing them that yes, he _was _in pain was going to cause James more harm.

So Carlos sighed and nodded reluctantly. "Yeah. A bit."

"Of course," Sylvia muttered suddenly. "We've been at the hospital all day; you didn't take your pain medication."

Carlos squirmed as a particularly violent wave of pain washed through his entire arm, and he gasped, his face going completely white, and he held his arm tightly against his body.

Sylvia shushed him gently through the pain, and when it was over, some colour returned to Carlos' face, and he nodded at his mom to show her he was okay now.

"I'll run to the apartment and grab it," Sylvia said once she was sure her son was better.

"No, I'll go," Logan interjected. "You stay here with Carlos."

"Are you sure?" Sylvia asked.

Logan nodded. "It's no problem. They might be a while in there-" He tilted his head in the direction of James' room. "-and I'll be quick."

Sylvia smiled. "Thanks, Logan."

"It's no problem. Carlos, do you want anything else from the apartment?"

Carlos didn't even have to think for two seconds. "My helmet," he said decidedly. Then, "Wait. Two helmets. One for me, one for James."

Logan chuckled. Carlos was too sweet. "Two helmets and one bottle of pain killers. No problem. I'll be as quick as I can."

Logan hurried off, and Sylvia continued to soothe her son, and Kendall and Jo remained silent.

"Are you alright, sweetie?" Sylvia asked her son.

"Yeah. Thanks, Mom." Carlos adopted a frown. "But...I'd be a lot better if I knew James was okay."

"We all would," Kendall piped up, in a low monotone. At this point he wasn't even trying to display his emotions through his voice. He was defeated, and he was past being sad. He just wanted this all to be over.

But he knew, and Logan knew, and Carlos knew, and everyone else knew that over it was far from.

* * *

><p>"You-you turned into someone else. But I don't remember what he looked like, or who he was. All I know is that I was terrified of him..." Tears welled up in James' eyes, but they weren't from fear. They were from frustration. He was sick of being afraid of what he didn't know.<p>

"James, I am deeply sorry to have to tell you this," Dr. Anderson began, genuinely sorrowfully. "But this very well may happen for some time. There is no telling how your mind is going to handle this. Right now you should rest, but soon we are going to need _you _to make the ultimate decision of whether you _truly_ want to know or not. I don't believe witnessing your friends fighting over the matter is going to help you any."

James nodded in understanding. He was calmer, and therefore more rational, but he was still a bit shaken up. His trembling hadn't completely ceased.

Brooke ran her fingers through his hair gently, sighing. She had no idea what her baby had done to deserve this. Any of it. She wished she had the power to stop it, to stop the memories from returning to him. But it wasn't something that could be controlled.

James pushed his mother's hand away wearily. His entire body was hurting, and her stroking his hair was only exacerbating his headache, which in turn caused him all the more all-over discomfort.

Brooke forced a weak smile, for his sake, and pulled her hand back.

"Try to go to sleep, sweetie," she suggested. "You don't have to decide right now."

James nodded. His mother mother placed a kiss atop his head, then she and Dr. Anderson quietly left the room.

James lay on his back, the position that caused him the least amount of pain, though he was still miserable and quite uneasy, for obvious reasons.

He didn't feel tired. And he certainly didn't feel like going to sleep. But he wasn't avoiding sleep because he wasn't sleepy. He was avoiding it because he was afraid.

If he had terrifying visions when he was awake, how could he expect to be nightmare-free in sleep?

Maybe he wouldn't even need to decide whether or not he wanted to be told. Maybe his dreams would tell him. And- no maybe about this- that would be worse than hearing it.

* * *

><p>Logan pushed the key into the lock of 2J. He turned the key and swung the door open, entering and shutting the door behind him. He hummed to himself as he fished Carlos' medication from the cupboard and picked up a helmet that Carlos had lazily tossed onto the couch at an earlier date.. Then Logan headed to James and Carlos' room, knowing that was where the rest of Carlos' helmets would be stashed.<p>

Logan made his way into the dark room and flicked on the light. He saw another helmet laying atop Carlos' bed, and he smiled. That had been quick and easy. He'd be back to the hospital before Dr. Anderson had even come out of James' room. Maybe he wouldn't miss anything.

Logan turned for the door and stopped humming. A noise. A gentle thump, from the kitchen. He paused, holding his breath and listening hard. Nothing.

Heart pounding nearly through his chest, Logan crept silently out of the bedroom and tiptoed cautiously down the hall. He stopped again at the end of the hall and slowly, ever so slowly, peeked around the corner and peered into the kitchen.

Empty. Nobody there.

Logan remained standing hidden behind the wall for a moment more, continuing to strain his ears. He _knew _he had heard something. Someone was in the apartment with him.

Logan began to tremble. He actually wished the noise would repeat itself, just so he could determine the location of the intruder. But all was silent.

Finally, after nearly five minutes of shaking in the hallway, Logan stepped around the corner and into the kitchen area. He spun, head snapping to look every which way. At first he saw nothing. But then he noticed. The door. It was open.

A shiver of terror nearly sent Logan into convulsions. He was one hundred percent certain that he had closed it when he'd entered. But he hadn't even thought about locking it. He hadn't needed to. At least, he thought he hadn't. Now he _really _wished he had. But it was too late.

Fighting the urge to burst into helpless tears, Logan moved to the counter and slid open the drawer with the knives. And notthe butter knives. The long, sharp, meat-hacking knives that glinted with deathly promises in the light.

Logan took one out, feeling along the dull side to make sure he grabbed the biggest, most lethal one, without taking his eyes off the door.

Someone was standing behind it.

It took everything Logan had to keep his legs from collapsing beneath him as he made his way over to the door.

He wished he could scream, loud enough so that every single person in the Palm Woods would hear him and come running to his rescue. But he knew that would be stupid. The intruder behind the door would swing it closed and have Logan on the floor and most likely dead before anyone made it to 2J.

The knife suddenly felt useless in Logan's hand, but he kept his grip on it anyway, despite the fear that it might be turned against him, and took one step closer to the door.

And then it swung shut, slamming loudly. Logan yelped and jumped in surprise. His fingers twitched, and his grip on the knife loosened, but he didn't let it slip from his grasp.

He gasped. The man standing before him chuckled darkly, and even if Logan had closed his eyes before he'd seen Hawk, he would have known it was him from that evil, demented laugh.

Logan's mouth went dry. He couldn't speak. His mind was on the verge of shutting down. Movement wasn't possible right then.

Hawk's teeth glinted even more menacingly than the blade of the knife as his lips pulled apart in a sinister grin.

"Ah, Logan Mitchell, the so called 'brains' of BTR." Hawk _tsked _with his tongue and shook his head in a disapproving manner. "You may want to rethink your title. Going _anywhere _alone is stupid enough, but not locking the door..." He trailed off, and, as if furthering his point, locked the door behind him.

Suddenly breathing became a privilege Logan had lost to his stupidity; his chest tightened, and his vision went hazy and grey with the lack of oxygen. Only when Hawk stepped toward him did Logan's mind heed the warning, and sensation returned to his weakening body.

Logan stumbled backwards. He regained his balance and held the knife out in front of him. Its wavering in his hand betrayed his fear.

"Wh-what the hell do you want?"

Hawk glanced about the apartment casually, as if completely unaffected by the threat of a knife pointing at him. He travelled closer to Logan.

"I want the same thing I've been after since Gustavo brought you fools out here: Revenge."

Logan swallowed back his revulsion. Hawk was the sickest man he'd ever met. "James is in the hospital. Thanks to you and your psychotic, fucked up henchman, he's totally messed up. Carlos was in the hospital a week ago. We're never going to get the band back on track. Gustavo is going to lose his business. You've won. What more _'revenge' _could you possibly need? !"

Hawk's eyes darkened. "Your friends got my acquaintance killed. I think I deserve more satisfaction due to your suffering, don't you?"

"I think you've done enough to us!" Logan shouted back, his fear morphing into rage. He steadied the knife in his hand and raised it higher.

Hawk saw Logan's faltering resolve itself, and so he went no closer to the knife-wielding boy, but still he did not retreat.

"You shouldn't worry so much," Hawk went on, each word he spoke amplifying the red hot volcano of fury bubbling inside Logan's stomach. "What I have in store for you next won't physically harm any of you- Well, I suppose that depends on how well or poorly behaved the new 'roommates' will be."

_What? What the hell was that supposed to mean?_

Logan decided he didn't care. Not right then, at least. All he cared about was getting this despicable man out of their lives, forever.

Motivated purely by blinding rage and adrenalin, Logan surged forward with a cry, and he thrust the knife toward Hawk.

Surprisingly quickly, Hawk shot his arm forward and grabbed hold of Logan's wrist. He twisted, and Logan cried out and let the knife fall from his grasp so that his wrist would not snap. To his surprise, Hawk didn't dive for the knife. Instead, he backed away from Logan.

"Shocking as this may sound, my intention here is not to hurt you," he began. "I'm not innocent if I lay a hand on you any more than I just did. I've already plotted my revenge and put my plan into action. All that's left to do is wait. I just want to give you a little advice."

"And what would that be?" Logan spat, his chest heaving.

Hawk grinned again. "Start packing."

Before Logan could react to that, Hawk had unlocked and was out the door with a _caw! Caw!, _leaving Logan to wonder with a panicking mind what revenge he was talking about this time, and what the hell '_start packing' _meant.

* * *

><p>As it turned out, Logan wouldn't find out until after everyone else. He hadn't yet returned to the hospital when it happened.<p>

Brooke and Dr. Anderson had come out of James' room and explained to them what they'd told James; that they were going to let him sleep on it, then decide, _himself, _whether or not he wanted to be told.

They were sitting in the waiting room, anxiously anticipating Logan's return. Every time they heard the sliding doors open, each of them leaned forward in their chairs to see if it was him.

After several minutes of nobody entering the hospital, the door slid open again. Everybody leaned forward expectantly, but Logan did not appear.

The police did.

There were two of them. Kendall didn't recognize either of them from when he'd seen the LAPD before, but he still felt his breath catch in his throat. His heart raced. This was too much like last time...

And then a different thought crossed his mind, one that filled his every pore with dread.

_Had something happened to Logan?_

Kendall turned and caught Carlos' and Jo's glances. They were the only other ones who had seen the cops. Everyone else's heads were down in thought. Both looked equally as confused yet slightly afraid as Kendall felt.

They saw that the police had spotted them all, and the officers headed over at a brisk pace. Murmurs filled the waiting room as most of its occupants detected the uniformed men.

They stopped in front of Kendall.

Mrs. Knight, obviously now having noticed the cop's presence, moved to stand up and ask the officers what was going on. But one motioned for her to sit while the other sized up Kendall and nodded to the other officer.

"It's him."

His fellow officer stared Kendall right in the eye and asked "Kendall Knight?"

Kendall glanced at his mom, gulping loudly. She opened her mouth to protest: "What do you want with my son?"

The officers ignored her. "Kendall Knight?" the same one repeated.

Kendall nodded, not trusting his mouth to be able to form coherent words.

One officer grabbed his arm and gruffly hauled him to his feet.

"Hey!-"

The other produced a pair of handcuffs and slapped them around Kendall's wrists.

"What is going on-"

"Kendall Knight, you are under arrest for the assault of one Phil Hawk."

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah, Hawk's name is Phil cause that's what it is in real life and I didn't feel like getting creative enough to come up with a name for a psychopath like Hawk. What exactly is a psychopath name?<strong>

**Yup, Kendall's in trouble! :O**

**Haha, I used 'whom'. I'm officially 70 years old.**

**So I know I haven't said much about the current state of the band, other than the fact that it, obviously, is taking a _loooong _break. I promise in the next chapter more will be revealed about the potential fate of BTR.**


	35. Apologetic AN

**Okay, so I'm sure you guys want to kill me right now because of my rare updates. Trust me, I'm not too thrilled about making you guys wait either. But I entered a contest that runs across all of Ontario, the province I live in. I have to write a one hundred page minimum novel. There is only one winner from all the contestants, which is TONS, and the winner actually gets their novel published. Like, a REAL BOOK. I know my chances are like one out of several thousand, but winning this would be absolutely incredible, and so I am working very hard on my novel, and I hate to say this, but that is going to take more time than Breakdown. And on top of that, soccer season just started and midterms are coming up, and that means projects and homework up the butt. I have no free time anymore. **

**This DOES NOT mean I am giving up on this story. I have not lost inspiration or motivation for it, and as soon as the contest is over I'll start working on it again, and once summer comes I'll have more time to write, even thought I had originally hoped to be done this fic by then. So, my lovely loyal readers, don't worry, this fic WILL be completed. Eventually. And I hope to get chapter 35 out by May. I'm about halfway done chapter 35, and I still have SOME free time, but it's limited. **

**Again, I am really, very, truly, deeply, extremely, completely, utterly, totally SORRY, but an opportunity like this only comes once in a life time. I've always dreamed of being an author, so I'm grabbing onto my dream and going. Big time.**


	36. Interrogation

**I really want to take a moment and just THANK all of my spectacular readers and reviewers for being totally understanding of why I haven't been able to update often. You guys really rock, you know that? And I also want to thank everyone who wished me luck with my novel writing contest. Your support means SO MUCH to me! Every time I get stuck on my novel, I just think of my dedicated readers and it helps me get motivated and inspired, and I probably wouldn't be able to do this without knowing that all of you are behind me 100%! I love all of my readers like family!**

**And some news on how my novel is coming along. I've written 64 pages so far, and by the way the plot is running and how the rest of it is in my head, I'm about half-way done.**

**As for THIS story, I am COMPLETELY done... this chapter. At long last. So, FINALLY, enjoy!**

Breakdown

Chapter 35: Interrogation

Hawk was best described as a vengeful man. He stopped at nothing to annihilate his enemies. And right now, his biggest enemy, more so than Gustavo, considering BTR was on a possibly definite hiatus, was all four boys of Big Time Rush. Not because they were busy making albums and performing on television and becoming all the more famous while under Rocque Records' label and not his, which they weren't, but because Clark was dead because of them.

And now that James Diamond, the most hated band member of Hawk's, was in the hospital, Hawk was going after the only member he had something on: Kendall Knight.

Kendall had attacked him, and he was an idiot for not regarding the camera in the corner of Hawk's office. The entire scene was on tape, and while yes, it was humiliating to admit that he'd been taken down by a seventeen year old kid, it was _so _worth knowing that the temperamental boy was paying the price of his actions.

Kendall Knight was now heading to prison, and though Hawk didn't know his sentence, he did know that despite losing an acquaintance, his plan to destroy Big Time Rush had worked out perfectly.

* * *

><p>"He nearly got two of my best friends killed!" Kendall screamed, thrashing in the officer's grip. The cops ignored him as they shoved him into the back of the squad car.<p>

"You're making a mistake! _He's _the one who should be getting arrested, not _me!"_

Kendall kicked at the window as the car began to pull away from the hospital.

"No, NO! James is still in there! He needs me!"

Mrs. Knight, Katie, Carlos and Sylvia could still hear Kendall's screams of protest as the police car turned onto the road.

They were no longer frozen with shock. It had worn off rather quickly while they had all been flinging questions at the officers as they led Kendall outside. Now was not the time to stand there in the parking lot and wonder what the hell had just happened. Now was the time to move, _quickly._

But they had no way of getting to the police station; Logan had Mrs. Knight's van. Carlos whipped his phone out and sent a text to Logan explaining in minor detail what had just happened. It was slow going, considering he was texting one handed, but he got the message sent and slipped his phone back into his pocket just as Sylvia suggested they go back in to tell Brooke.

"What good will that do? !" shrieked Mrs. Knight, who was a little out of her mind right then. "My son is going to _jail! _I know what he did, and if the cops have proof, they'll throw him away, even if he is a minor! It was assault!"

Katie hesitated, her arm reaching toward her mother, but she pulled back. Nothing could comfort her at that moment. Why bother? She'd only make her mother even more worked up.

"Where the hell is Logan? !"

Carlos winced and checked his phone. No message. "I'm sure he'll be here once he gets my message," he said quietly. "Or maybe he's on his way back and that's why he isn't answering. He doesn't text while driving."

Mrs. Knight just gritted her teeth and began to pace frantically.

Sylvia looked uncomfortable. She wanted to go tell Brooke about what was happening so that she'd know why they weren't at the hospital if she went to look for them, but Jennifer was just so angry and frustrated...

Sylvia sighed. "Carlos, honey, how about you come with me to go tell Brooke. She'll want to know."

Carlos nodded. Whatever his mom said went right now. He didn't glance at either of the Knights as he followed his mother back into the hospital. He could hear Mrs. Knight cursing slightly behind him, just sane enough to mind Katie. He didn't turn back.

His mother walked briskly, tight-lipped, as she led him to the elevators. Carlos supposed he'd expected them to talk about this gigantic mess on their way to James' room, but what could be said? Lots, of course, but he wasn't sure how to put his racing thoughts into words, and he was sure his mother, though an intelligent woman, couldn't either. So they stood in the elevator and once off it strode down the hall to James' room in silence.

Upon arriving before the closed door of room 213, Sylvia hesitated. Should she knock? Just walk right in? Was it just Brooke in there with James, or was Dr. Anderson in there? Did they want some privacy?

Then a cloud of doubt overcame Sylvia; should she even bother Brooke and James with this information? James was already past the brink of cracking. His mind was shot. And Brooke was dangerously close to losing it as well. Neither of them needed any _more_ inflections piled onto their already overwhelmingly weighed-down shoulders.

But wouldn't they want to know? And they'd find out eventually, anyway.

Sylvia blinked herself back to reality and saw that her ultimate decision, whenever she'd been planning on making it, didn't matter. Carlos had already opened the door and stepped in.

Sylvia bit down the urge to scold her son for just barging in. At least he hadn't been loud and obnoxious about it. She instead glanced past him to see Brooke sitting in a chair next to James' bed, where the injured boy lay asleep, breathing what seemed to Sylvia to be a bit too heavily, his chest rising shakily with every inhale, and the air shuddering unsteadily through his mouth with each exhale.

Brooke glanced over her shoulder to acknowledge the visitors, and gave them a miniscule smile. She didn't say anything.

Sylvia and Carlos made their way further into the room, growing nervous. How should they expect Brooke to react? Not well. She'd want to get all the details, she'd be urged to go with them to the police station, but she had to stay with her son. And she'd be wracked with an internal debate over whether or not to tell her own son when he awoke.

Carlos quickly took to staring at the floor, flinching and averting his eyes from Brooke's intense gaze. She knew something was wrong instantly, and the way her darkly-lined eyes narrowed intimidated him.

"What's the matter?" she questioned. "Dr. Anderson stepped out about three minutes ago. Said there was a commotion of some sort in the waiting area. What's going on down there?"

Well, they had no choice now. Brooke knew something was up, and she wasn't going to let it go. If they didn't tell her, she'd go down and find out for herself.

Sylvia let her eyes drift around the room once as she sucked in a deep breath before beginning to relay the recent events that had Kendall presently thrashing and shouting in the back of a squad car.

* * *

><p>Logan lightened up on the gas pedal as a cop car sped by him. The sirens weren't blaring, and the car wasn't in obvious pursuit of any getaway car as far as Logan could see, but it was driving well over the speed limit, and was heading in the direction of the police station. Logan picked up the pace as soon as the car was out of sight. He needed to get back to the hospital as quickly as he could, and if that meant breaking a driving law or two- he hadn't bothered wasting time buckling up- then so be it. He needed to warn the others that Hawk was up to something. That Hawk had <em>been in their apartment.<em>

Though Logan was speeding, the drive seemed to take much longer than it usually did . And they'd been to the hospital enough over the past several months for him to know how the length of the drive felt compared to all the other times.

Of course, though, the drive was in reality shorter due to Logan's exceeding speed, but it seemed like forever before he finally swerved sharply into the hospital parking lot and jerked the wheel haphazardly so that he was parked diagonally, carelessly taking up two parking spaces. He flung himself from the van and dashed toward the entrance, only to stop short when he saw Mrs. Knight and Katie standing there, both pale-faced, Katie weary-eyed, her mother's flashing indignantly.

Logan skidded to a halt in front of them, panting. He knew something had just gone wrong. Apparently it was time for a chain of bad news to break out, as Logan blurted "Hawk was in our apartment! He made some sort of threat!" just as Katie cried out "Kendall just got arrested for beating up Hawk!"

Logan froze at that, and Katie and Mrs. Knight jolted at what Logan had said. Hawk had been _in 2J with him?_

Logan blinked. It suddenly made sense, in a sick and twisted way that only proved further that Hawk was behind this shocking news of Kendall's arrest.

"_What I have in store for you next won't physically harm any of you- Well, I suppose that depends on how well or poorly behaved the new 'roommates' will be."_

"_I've already plotted my revenge and put my plan into action. All that's left to do is wait. I just want to give you a little advice."_

"_Start packing."_

Logan's sudden fury was so complete and overwhelming that all he could see was a curtain of red. All he could hear was the blood rushing in his ears. All he could feel was the pressure building in his head, ready to explode out of him.

_Hawk. Was. Done._

Logan was going to find him and torture him until he begged for mercy. Then Logan would torture him more, and it would only be when Hawk had gone through every amount of physical and mental agony that Logan would kill him. He should have done so when he'd had the chance. If Logan ended up in that cell with Kendall, so be it. He would stand behind the bars with his head held high with the knowledge that he had rid the world of its most vile, heinous creation.

But Logan wasn't thinking rationally, for once. He was too caught up in the delicious thoughts of driving a long, sharp blade into Hawk's body until every inch of skin oozed blood that he didn't notice Mrs. Knight shaking and shouting at him.

"Logan, what happened? What happened at the apartment? ! Logan, answer me!"

But Logan was lost within his own mind. An answer was neither formed nor capable of being spoken, as he hadn't even comprehended the frantic question being spewed repeatedly and urgently from Mrs. Knight's mouth.

She knew Logan was in some state of shock, so she resorted to the only method she figured would work. She slapped him, hard, across the face, and grabbed firmly onto his shoulders, looking him square in the eye.

"Logan, listen to me. Breathe. Just breathe. Are you with me now?"

Logan took in a shallow, shuddering breath, rubbing his stinging cheek, and exhaled quickly. He repeated the process, making his breaths deeper and slower, until finally sufficient oxygen returned to his lungs and brain and focused his mind.

"Better?"

Logan nodded almost imperceptibly, scarcely bobbing his head up and down once.

"Okay. We need to go to the police station. You can explain what happened on the way."

"Where's Carlos and Mrs. Garcia?" Logan inquired, feeling a bit more under control as he blinked away the last of the rage-induced red haze.

"They're telling Brooke. There's no time to wait for them. Text Carlos and tell him we left." Mrs. Knight held out her hand, and Logan dropped the keys into it before fishing his phone from his pocket and opening his phone to compose a new message. His fingers were shaking so badly that he had to have Katie type and send the message.

Logan's mind was whirling. He couldn't tell Mrs. Knight what had happened because he couldn't think straight. Everything just kept getting worse and worse. One impossibly horrible event after another. Was it ever going to end?

How was James doing right now?

Had Carlos and his mother already told James and Mrs. Diamond about Kendall?

Was Kendall being interrogated at this very moment? Would he go to jail? If so, for how long?

Would they ever stop Hawk?

Would BTR ever perform again? Or was the band dead? Over? No third chance.

Logan gritted his teeth and gripped his aching, reeling head.

_Was it ever going to end?_

* * *

><p>"Where's my lawyer?"<p>

Kendall sat in a small room, empty aside from the large table in the middle with a chair on either side. He sat in the chair furthest from the door. Officer Grant stood beside the table, eying Kendall with a scrutinizing stare . He was the head of questioning at the LAPD, a big, muscular man, with thick black hair and a menacing demeanor. He often got even the toughest of victims shaking, but so far Kendall was undaunted. He was feeling rather impatient and ticked off. He'd finally calmed down about halfway through the ride from the hospital to the station. He'd realized, though probably a bit too late, that freaking out and nearly letting himself threaten to do to the cops what he'd done to Hawk wouldn't help his case. Not in the slightest.

Kendall's anger hadn't evaporated as he was lead roughly to an interrogation room, and only then was he released from the tight handcuffs. While Kendall had waited for his interrogator to arrive, he'd sat alone in the room, absent mindedly rubbing his sore wrists and keeping his best poker face for the officers he knew were standing on the other side of the one-way glass window. They saw him. Kendall saw himself, too. He hated that, but it was precisely why he couldn't give anything away as he waited.

And now Kendall knew those very same officers who had been studying him were now listening in on this questioning session.

"_If _this turns into a case, _then _you'll get your lawyer," Officer Grant growled. "And you'd better hope you get a good one."

Kendall stared the officer straight in the eye.

After a moment, the officer began to pace, glancing away from Kendall briefly as he did so. His gaze roamed to the floor as he took three steps left, five steps right, five left, five right...

Kendall's eyes moved with the officer. His head didn't turn one degree.

Finally Officer Grant ceased his pacing and turned back to Kendall.

"You're familiar with Phil Hawk."

It wasn't a question. "Yes. I know a Phil Hawk," Kendall answered evenly. He'd already been warned about lying.

"He owns a company called Hawk Records, that is correct?"

"Yes."

"And you are in a band called Big Time Rush, under the label of Rocque Records."

"Yes."

"Your boss is Gustavo Rocque?"

"Right."

"And would you say Gustavo hadn't been signing much talent until he signed with Big Time Rush?"

"He hadn't been having much luck, no."

"And Hawk hadn't either?"

"I don't know much about Hawk. I don't work for him."

Officer Grant nodded. "Do you know if Hawk currently has anyone under his label right now?"

"I believe he doesn't."

"So his rival record company is working with a band, and he isn't. Rocque Records is making money, the name is getting recognized again. Unlike Hawk Records. If that happened to you, Kendall, would you consider that rival company a threat? An enemy, perhaps?"

"I don't think I'm at liberty to answer-"

"You're under _law _to answer every question I ask you."

Kendall sighed. "I would feel that way, yes."

"You'd feel what way?"

"I'd feel as though the rival company was an enemy." Kendall's voice was tight, strained with suppressed fury.

"So, let's use our imaginations here. Let's say Hawk is jealous-"

(Kendall nearly snorted at the understatement).

"-and plots against Rocque Records. He has nothing harmful in mind, just wants to weaken the company's reputation-"

"That's just as-"

"Ah, here's something you're not at liberty to do. Interrupt."

Kendall ground his teeth together behind his tightly pressed lips. Officer Grant continued.

"He never harms anyone. Doesn't even come in physical contact with anybody. Nothing bad happens to Rocque Records. The place is never trashed, violated, or even at risk of losing business. Bu Hawk tried to ruin the future of your band. And you won't stand for that. So what do you do? Hmm, Kendall? What do you do with a man like that?"

Kendall didn't answer. After a moment Officer Grant did for him.

"You'd pay him back, wouldn't you, Kendall?"

And then Kendall lost it.

"He nearly got two of my friends killed! He's the reason my best friend, my _brother, _is _still _in the hospital, just starting to recover physically only to be tortured mentally even more than he had already has been! _Hawk _destroyed my friend's life! _He's _the _real _criminal!"

Officer Grant was not affected by Kendall's shouts and accusations. He merely nodded as he continued to study the heavy-breathing, red-faced teenager. "That's what you've been saying. But here's the thing, Kendall. You have no proof of that. You can't _prove _that this man Phil Hawk had anything to do with what happened to your friend. However, we _do _have evidence that you assaulted Mr. Hawk."

Kendall didn't hear what was said next. He was shaking with blind rage, infuriated to the point where he was quite strongly urged to flip the table and storm out of there, likely with a few choice words directed at Grant.

_Proof. _There that word was, _again._

Kendall wasn't sure if he cut Officer Grant off again or not; if he was talking, Kendall couldn't hear him.

"_Proof! _You want _proof? !" _Kendall laughed, from the wrong kind of hysteria.

"Attaining _proof _is also part of why my friend is so damaged. If you would just believe the good guys, he'd be a lot better off than he is now! But you all need _proof! Evidence! _I've learned that risking yourself to get proof isn't worth it! I don't know if you really do have _evidence _of me beating Hawk senseless or if you were saying that to get me to confess, but I do. Gladly. I _gladly _confess that I, Kendall Knight, assaulted Phil Hawk. And I have done so without regret. And, _for the record-_" Kendall glared at the mirror as he said this, knowing the men behind it were watching him with prosperity. "-I am not confessing for fear of getting caught in a lie. I am confessing..." He paused, feeling a bit dramatic. "To show that I am not ashamed of my actions."

Officer Grant stared straight at Kendall for a long time. The room was eerily silent. Finally the cop stepped back, away from the table. He gave Kendall a small smirk. "You just made this a hell of a lot easier for us, kid."

He started toward the door, turning around when he'd reached it. "You won't be getting that lawyer." And then he walked out the door, allowing the two officers who had been watching and listening from the other side of the one-sided window to enter the room and cuff Kendall. Again.

* * *

><p>"Mom?"<p>

Carlos snapped his head down and he smiled as he watched James' eyes flutter open. Thick lashes lifted, lowered, lifted again, revealing dull hazel irises. Carlos felt his smile falter. Those eyes used to sparkle, used to be so bright...

Carlos forced his smile to reappear and he squeezed James' hand tighter. "Close," he joked as his friend's cheeks reddened at mistaking his best friend for his mother. "It's Carlos."

"Sorry," James mumbled sleepily. "You're holding my hand, I thought..."

"Oh." Carlos quickly released his grip, but James didn't.

"S'okay," he murmured. "You can."

Carlos' smile was genuine again. He kept his fingers wrapped around James'.

"Where's my mom?" James asked after a yawn.

"She's talking to Mrs. Knight," Carlos answered quietly. "My mom's with her."

"Hmm." James let his eyes drift shut.

"So, uh, how are you feeling?"

"Tired. Sore."

James opened his eyes and glanced at Carlos' injured arm."What about you?"

Carlos looked surprised at the question. And he was. He didn't know why. Maybe it was because James was ignoring the big question mark. But he answered anyway.

"I'm fine. It only bothers me when I move it."

James nodded. The boys were silent for a moment, and just when Carlos thought James had fallen asleep again, said boy piped up.

"I still don't know it happened. Your shoulder."

There it was, the big question mark.

"Or me. I don't remember...I mean, that time when I freaked out. I saw...Dr. Anderson, he- he turned into someone else, and that someone else scared me so much..." James shuddered, and concern flooded Carlos' body as he watched his friend grow startlingly pale at the memory.

"Carlos, will you just tell me? So it can stop? The random pieces of memory, the name I can't remember. All I remember is doctor. _Doctor. _Doctor something. I want to know who hurt me, so that I can know who hurt you, and then I can do something about it."

Carlos noticed the tremors running through James' shaky form, and he moved from his chair to the edge of the bed, taking his hand from James' and wrapping his mobile arm around his broken friend.

"James...I can't just tell you. I know we've talked about this already, a lot, but not now. Right now is _really _not a good time-"

"You know, saying that only makes me more nervous," James stated.

Carlos lowered his eyes. Why hadn't he thought something could go wrong being left alone with James, even for just a few minutes?

"I- I still don't _know _if I want you to tell me. Any of you. Sometimes I just want to know so badly, but other times I'm scared...like right now. I'm scared right now, Carlos. Am I ever going to stop being afraid of what I don't know? Because even when I do know, I'll still be afraid. Won't I? Is there even a reason to be afraid, Carlos? At least tell me that. Is what happened scary?"

James' rant was confusing Carlos. His brain was obviously a little fuzzy due to the morphine and due to the exhaustion he was surely suffering from. Carlos had never been good at working under pressure, and this felt a lot like pressure.

"James, um, I don't think I-"

"Where's my mom?" James interrupted, and Carlos wondered if all this jumping around from topic to topic was supposed to be happening. Maybe it really was just medicine and exhaustion, or could it possibly have to do with the bipolar disorder? Or maybe another sign of the PTSD Dr. Anderson had told them about. Subconsciously avoiding the topic of the cause of the PTSD, or something like that. Carlos wasn't sure.

"She's talking to Mrs. Knight, James."

"I know, Carlos. You told me that already."

"Because you asked twice."

James sighed moodily and pouted, and Carlos was beginning to think that James' odd behaviour did have something to do with his disorder. He wondered if he should go scout out Dr. Anderson.

"Why couldn't my mom talk to Mrs. Knight in here? Is it something I shouldn't hear?" was James' next inquiry.

"Mrs. Knight isn't...here. My mom's talking to her on the phone."

James' eyes narrowed. "Why isn't she here? Where's Kendall and Logan, then ? And Katie?" It was the question Carlos had been dreading.

"They're not here either."

James' eyes widened, and suddenly he didn't look so tired anymore.

"Where are they?"

"I think your mom should tell you," Carlos practically whispered.

His uncharacteristic tranquility and the fact that Logan and all of the Knights weren't at the hospital broke through James' morphine induced haze. He tried to sit up, but pain forced him back down with a gasp.

"James, don't-"

"What is going on? Either get my mother up here _right now _or tell me yourself."

"James, just calm down for a minute, _please-_"

"_What is going on_, Clark? Something is, I _know _something is! I deserve to know what!"

Carlos was gaping, wide-eyed and open-mouthed. He blinked, once, twice. He unconsciously touched his ear. His insides had turned to ice, but the rest of him felt hot, and so he felt like he was going to melt. Or maybe faint.

"J-James. What did...what did you just call me?"

But James didn't seem to have noticed. He didn't look like he'd been smacked by a realization. He looked angry.

"Tell. Me. Now."

Carlos shook his head, weakly, dizzy. Did James honestly not notice what he'd just said? _How? _

"No. I-I'm getting your mom!"

And Carlos ran from the room, leaving James frustrated and confused and wiped out.

Carlos bolted down halls and skidded around corners. He ignored the shouts from nurses telling him not to run. He dashed toward the elevators and was relieved when one opened right away. He clambered in and pressed the button for the ground floor. He knew his and James' mothers were outside due to the no cellphone policy. There was nobody else on the elevator. As the door slid shut, Carlos leaned his head back and let out a rush of air, cradling his injured arm with his good hand, wishing he hadn't ran. It hurt now. But that didn't matter. He began to think.

Was this good? Or horrible? Carlos knew James had remembered something when he'd had that panic attack earlier, but now he was saying Clark's name without realizing it. This could be great, or it could be catastrophe.

Unfortunately, Carlos could see more ways for it to become disastrous than 'great'.

* * *

><p>"<em>He openly admitted, so there's no case. Plus they have video evidence. They haven't decided on a sentence yet."<em>

Sylvia and Brooke winced as they listened to Jennifer's voice emit from the speaker. The fact was, there _was _going to be a sentence. Kendall could be put away for maybe just a few days, a month, or even years.

"_They did tell me that because he's a minor and no weapons were involved, the sentence won't be as severe as it could have been. And I was fortunate enough to speak with Officer Gerald, the one who came to the apartment when we first found out about Clark. He was very nice and understanding, but of course he has to act under the law. But he's doing everything he can to make Kendall's sentence as minimal as possible."_

"Well, there's the first upside we've seen in days. And it's not even official."

Sylvia sighed. Why did Brooke have to be so blunt?

"That's better than nothing, Jen," Sylvia assured her friend on the other end of the line. "Call us when you hear anything else."

"I will."

There was a soft _click _on the receiver, then a static buzzing. Brooke turned off the speaker and ended the call. She glanced up at Sylvia and sighed. Neither of them said a thing. There was nothing to say. Nothing worth saying, anyway. They knew what the other was thinking. It was what they were all thinking; about what a huge disaster everything was.

"Mom! Mrs. Diamond!"

The two mothers spun at the sound of Carlos' frantic voice, and both felt dread wash over them. He was flustered, red-faced and breathing heavily, practically panting. He was shaking. "James, he- he...he called me Clark! I don't- I mean, I think maybe he...He didn't even realize he'd said it, he just-"

Whatever else he was going to stammer out was cut off as Brooke ran past him. After sharing a brief look, he and his mother followed.

They saw Brooke disappear through a door they had never gone through despite their multiple visits to the hospital. They darted through the door after her and discovered it led to stairs; Brooke was too desperate to get to her son to wait for the elevator.

Sylvia and Carlos slowed down on the stairs, Carlos' shoulder bothering him. He bit back a whimper of pain as the fiery sensation tore through his shoulder, neck and arm. They had to get to James. He could worry about himself later.

They didn't catch back up to Brooke until she was in James' room. They rounded into the doorway and watched as Brooke made her way over to her son.

"Mom." James forced himself to sit up, tears automatically forming at the sharp pain in his stomach. Brooke noticed.

"James, sweetie, lie down. You recently had surgery and your-"

"Mom, Carlos won't tell me. So you tell me. Where's Logan and Kendall and Mrs. Knight? Why aren't they here? What _happened?_"

Brooke didn't hesitate for a minute. It was pointless. James was going to find out eventually; better to tell him now than to wait for him to find out by himself and be angry at her for not telling him.

"James, Kendall's been arrested."

James felt his breath hitch. _What? Kendall got _arrested? Maybe he hadn't heard right.

"Come again?"

"They're all at the police station right now. Kendall's being held there. Apparently the police had video evidence of Kendall assaulting Hawk. Kendall confessed almost immediately."

James shook his head slowly, not even aware that he was doing so. His mind was reeling. Why would Kendall confess? That wasn't like him; in fact, it was the complete opposite of what Kendall would normally do.

And, more importantly, how long was Kendall going to be in jail? Would he even be moved to a real prison, or would he just be kept over night at the police station?

"James?"

James blinked. "Hmm?"

"Are you alright?"

James considered for about half a second because coming to the conclusion that no, he wasn't alright. He wanted to reprimand his mother for asking such a question.

"I just...I need to get my head around this."

Brooke nodded. "Of course. I understand, sweetie."

_Kendall Jail. Assault. Hawk. Wait a minute..._

James frowned. _Kendall _was in _jail _for _assaulting Hawk..._But, when had he done that? And, why?

James realized that he hadn't been surprised when his mom had first told him; he _knew _Kendall had beaten up Hawk. But he couldn't remember _why. _James had a strong feeling that it had something to do with him being in the hospital.

James opened his mouth to ask why Kendall had attacked Hawk, but Brooke got her own question out before he did.

"James. Are you...remembering things?"

James paused, mouth still hanging open. He slowly closed it and realized that yes, he was. He remembered Kendall saying he'd assaulted Hawk, and he remembered a fight right after hearing that...But what had the fight been about, then? Kendall beating up Hawk had made a huge mess out of things, hadn't it? Was that why James and Carlos had been hurt? Because Kendall had attacked Hawk, and Hawk had gotten revenge?

James swallowed hard. Yes, he was remembering, but he didn't like the things that were coming back so suddenly.

And then, it wasn't just _things _coming back. It was _every_thing.

Talking about counseling, going to counseling, meeting Dr. Clark, he was nice, getting better, putting the pieces of his mind back together, finally accepting his disorder, then, oh, _god, _the threats, the gun, the screaming, the nightmares, the police, the planning, the fights, the decision, the recorder on his phone, the pain and the blood and the _gunshot..._and...

Dr. Clark. The _real _Dr. Clark. The man who'd done this to him, who'd shot Carlos...where was he now? He was here, in this very hospital. James had _seen _him. His name had only minutes ago slipped past James' lips.

"Dr. Clark."

James hadn't realized he'd whispered the shudder-inducing name out loud. All he knew was that Dr. Clark was _in the hospital at that very moment with a gun and a desire to kill him..._

"James? James! Oh god, what's happening? !"

"Press the call button, damn it!"

And along with those shouts, crying. Familiar sobs, but James didn't notice nor care.

He'd finally cracked, right down the middle. He had officially fallen apart.

All at once, James wasn't James anymore. He was just a broken boy, sitting in a hospital bed, surrounded by three hysterical people, screaming and crying and yelling while he chanted.

"Dr. Clark, Dr. Clark, Dr. Clark..."

* * *

><p><strong>Ugh, I really had NO idea how to end this chapter, so I'm sorry if it's abrupt and a lousy spot to end, but this chap was getting long and I didn't have much time to work on it.<strong>

**Well, I FINALLY met a deadline; I said I wanted to get this chapter out by May, and guess what? It's still April! I know, I know, huge accomplishment. And now time to go write some more novel! I think I may be going crazy, thinking this contest was a great idea...**

**Oh, right. JAMES! ! ! He's losing his mind! What have I _done _to him? ! I just can't help myself...Being evil's my thing.**


	37. Restraint

**Because you're all sticking with me and this fic even through the whole novel-writing, once-a-month-update thing, and because SashaLovesBananas asked and I love that girl, I am going to tell you a bit about my in-progress novel.**

**So, Kellan Maxwell is the main character and something super weird is going on with him. All these abnormal things keep happening. He doesn't know what it is, but this girl that he just met somehow does. So this girl is really mysterious, and of course Kellan falls in 'like' with her while he's trying to figure out who she really is, what she's hiding from him and trying to figure out what's happening to him at the same time. And he gets caught up in a big huge mess involving, uh..._certain _people... And because I'm me, this story is pretty angsty, and crazy, and suspenseful, and it's going to be one huge question mark till the very end. At least, I hope it turns out that way. Things always flow so much better in your head. But the romance is pretty minimal cause romance blows. Note I said he falls in like with her. Not love. Zero mushiness or make out scenes. Guh. No offense to romance writers. It's just not MY style.**

**Yeah, so, it's not much, but I'm not done yet, and just _say _I somehow win, revealing all right here and now will be the ultimate spoiler, so uh...maybe I'll let you guys know a _little _bit more later on. But for now I'm being vague cause mystery is enticement! Plus, the title of my novel is still a mystery to me. Hmm.**

**Ooh, ooh, guess what? ! I taught myself to play Covergirl on acoustic...yeah. :D**

**BTR SEASON 3 GUYS! ! ! I can't believe it's HERE! ! !**

**Anyway, making mistakes in my writing is my hugest pet peeve, and I REALLY had ZERO time to edit/read through this, so please, _please _do not mind any mistakes.**

Breakdown

Chapter 36: Restraint

Gustavo Rocque was angry. Actually, he was beyond angry. _Way _beyond. He was absolutely raging, more so than he'd ever been in his life. Yet, at the same time, he was the tiniest bit proud. Kendall had landed himself in jail, but he'd given the enemy what he'd had coming for a long, long time.

Yet Gustavo couldn't feel too proud for too long. Because if one dog down wasn't bad enough, there was now another out. Gustavo wished fervently that the police would consider lightening Kendall's sentence after hearing Gustavo out, since he knew more about Hawk and his history than Kendall or any of the police or pretty much anyone around.

So Gustavo marched into the police station and demanded to speak with whoever was in charge of giving Kendall his sentence.

Unsurprisingly, he got nowhere. At least, it wasn't surprising for any but himself.

"Do you _know _who I am? ! I'm _Gustavo. Rocque. _I'm amazing! I'm _amazing."_

The only thing amazing the police found about Gustavo was his unrelenting lung-power. He screamed at the entire department for eight minutes straight without pausing for a breath between profanities and insults.

Finally the bulky security guards that resembled Freight Train in body mass kindly escorted Gustavo out of the building. Kindly being dragging, shoving, and finally carrying him to the exit. They could have been harsher.

That had been two hours ago. Now Gustavo stood in his office with Griffin. The silver-haired man was unsmiling as he tore into Gustavo, uncharacteristically angry.

"You let Kendall Knight get himself arrested, and you still don't know how long he'll be held for? This is disappointing news, Gustavo."

"No. no, this is good. It's teaching the dog a lesson." Of course, Gustavo didn't actually feel that way. At all. And he wasn't angry at _Kendall, _persay. He was angry with the cops, with Clark, and with Hawk. And now, beginning to be irritated with Griffin.

"Gustavo, I have learned many lessons over the years," Griffin ranted. "But none of them were learned from assault. I don't care what lesson this is teaching Kendall. What I _do _care about is that this incident is costing the company precious dough-"

"This incident? ! This _incident? !_" Gustavo was beet red. He nearly felt the steam rising from him. His hands unconsciously balled into fists. "This _incident _is related to one of the dogs being hospitalized due to a _mentally deranged enemy! _Do you _really _care more about your '_precious dough' _than the health and safety of the dogs? ! You didn't contact me until you found out Kendall was in the slammer! You knew all about what happened with James' 'therapist', and yet not _once _did you call or visit the hospital! You don't even care! All you want is money, money, money! And now that you aren't getting any, what? You're just going to cut us loose? You're going to end Big Time Rush? Send the dogs, the _hardworking, extremely talented _dogs back to Minnesota for good, for standing up for themselves? !"

Griffin appraised Gustavo with an icy, sardonic look. "Well, what do you know? Gustavo Rocque does have a heart. He actually likes and cares about the boys."

"I _appreciate _them!"

"Right. Well, Gustavo, I do, too. Truly, I adore the boys, but the bottom line is that they aren't bringing in any money or recognition. Their fans have practically forgotten all about them. They haven't been in the studio for weeks."

"Griffin, you can't-"

"I'm sorry, Gustavo. It's time to move on. The boys don't get a fourth chance. Big Time Rush is big time done. For good this time."

* * *

><p>"Get away from me!"<p>

"James, I'm not going to hurt you. My name is Doctor Hill, do you remember me? I've helped you before; that's all I want to do now."

But James didn't know this young, pretty woman. All he knew was that she was a _doctor, _and those people were bad. All of them.

James sobbed and shrunk back further. His entire body was screaming at him, protesting the movements as pain shot through his nerves, but the pain was no match for the panic and terror that overwhelmed James and shredded his mind to bits.

"No, _no! _You lying bitch! I know you work for him! You're a female Dr. Clark! I know what you want! You stupid_ bitch_!"

He turned wide, wild eyes on his mother, who stood, barely able to keep herself upright, pale and watching from behind the many doctors.

"Mom, help me, _please Mom! Get them away from me! Mom, they're gonna kill me and Kendall and Logan and Carlos! Mom, please, I need you!"_

Brooke felt so dizzy. She heard her son, saw him, flailing and crying and screeching, but she was frozen to the spot. Even her breath was frozen within her. She felt awful for not helping her child, but she just couldn't.

"Somebody sedate him!"

And then movement returned to Brooke.

"No! Don't touch my son-"

A younger, obviously more inexperienced doctor, held Brooke back. "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but your son is endangering the staff and himself; he's already torn his stitches."

Brooke, upon closer inspection of her thrashing, still screaming son, noticed a small spot of blood on the front of his hospital gown, slowly growing, staining the gown a horrible deep red. She realized all the jerking around must have popped the stitches that were in place from his surgery to repair his punctured lung.

Tears were streaming down Brooke's face as she watched three doctors hold James down, while Dr. Hill inserted the needle into the crook of his elbow. James screamed louder, even more desperately.

"Mom, why are you letting them do this to me? ! _Mom, I won't wake up! Mom, Mom, I need you! Please..."_

The sedative quickly took effect, and within three more seconds James was slumped in his bed, eyes shut, silent, his wails now only an echo in Brooke's heart.

Brooke had no idea how Carlos and Sylvia were reacting the to entire chaotic scene. All she knew was that her son had officially snapped. Brooke couldn't see anything past the blur the gushing tears created in her vision. Some of the doctors still stood around James. The rest were suddenly ushering herself, Carlos, and his mother out of the room.

Brooke snapped out of her shocked, tormented trance and pushed against the doctor. "Wait, my _baby-"_

"I'm sorry, Miss, but we're just doing what's best for your son. I understand it may not seem like it, but your son was injuring himself. We may have to consider sending him down to the psychiatric unit once he's physically well enough." The doctor went back into the room without another word, and Brooke let herself slide down the wall and rested her head in her hands and broke down. She felt someone kneel down next to her, predictably Sylvia, but she couldn't care less about being comforted right then.

Her _son_ was broken. He wasn't James anymore. And Brooke had no idea what to do.

"M-Mom?" Carlos' meek, timid voice sounded over Brooke's heart-wrenching sobs, and Sylvia turned to her son. His face was tracked with tears. He look about ten, so scared and lost and innocent.

"It's okay," Sylvia whispered, to all three of them. "Come here, hun."

Carlos slowly lowered himself to the floor next to his mother and the internally shattered Brooke.

Carlos knew his mother was lying. Well, not lying, exactly, but making a false assurance. He wanted to ask her if she really believed what she'd said, but words wouldn't form in his mind, and therefore not on his tongue, either. Instead, he knelt beside the two women and cried with them.

Carlos felt like he'd just lost his best friend.

* * *

><p>Kendall hated the lighting in the police station. It cast shadows on the floor of his cell, the shadows of the bars, making him feel even more confined. He wondered how long he'd continue to sit in this cell, on the cold hard floor, right next to the bars, as if the closer he sat to them, the better chance he had of getting out sooner rather than later.<p>

But Kendall had been alone in that cell for three hours already, and the god damn police _still _hadn't decided on his sentence yet. Couldn't they just take the easy way out by saying "Hey, kid, we don't know what to do with you in here, so we'll just let you go"? There didn't seem to be anything wrong with that. Not in Kendall's opinion, anyway.

The blonde boy sighed heavily and leaned his head back against the wall. _Might as well get as 'comfortable' as possible, _he thought bitterly. _It might be _another_ while._

Kendall sat there, watching the unmoving shadows, until they looked like the real bars of the cell, making Kendall feel disoriented, as if the bars were below him. He fell sideways, laying now. He was slowly but surely losing his mind. Of course, if he had any idea just how literally his friend's mind had just been lost, he wouldn't be complaining.

Kendall sighed, loudly. That was pretty much all there was to do in this tiny hell hole. Listen to himself make bored noises and stare at the dizzying shadows.

"Kendall Knight."

Kendall sat up quickly, then, upon seeing the officer standing on the other side of the doors, _free, the damn bastard, _he stood, sneering with contempt.

"Let me guess. You're here to apologize for wasting my time, but it's going to be just a few more days until you decide what to do with me."

The officer didn't smile. "Sixty days," he said monotonously.

Kendall's let the mask slip, cocky smirk falling from his face. His disbelief was visibly displayed on all his features; mouth turned slightly downwards, one brow lowered, the other raised, back straightening in alertness. His mind produced just one word. "_What?"_

"Sixty days," the officer repeated, just as blandly. "You'll be moved to the state prison first thing tomorrow morning and your sixty days will begin then."

"What, wait- sixty days is two months!"

"Being smart isn't gonna get you out of this, kid."

Kendall's mouth fell into a scowl. "You can't be serious! No permanent damage was done to him! He has a history of...of, I don't know, bad stuff, he _has _to! He's _Hawk, _evil is all there is to him!"

"Hold your tongue, kid. You're in enough trouble as it is."

"I shouldn't be in _any! _You don't know Hawk. He's a complete sicko! He's the most abominable man alive! And allowing him to roam around town while _I'm _stuck in here counting the seconds going by, during which time he could doing to other innocent people what he did to my friend? ! You're just as bad as he is!"

The officer finally showed some emotion. His dark brown eyes seemed to turn onyx, and he stepped closer to the cell, breathing right into Kendall's face as Kendall refused to back away.

"Listen here, punk," he started, his voice now a snarl. "I saw that tape. I saw what you did to that man. And whether or not no _permanent damage _was done-"

"Officer Burns! I'll take it from here."

Kendall didn't think it was possible for him to feel alleviated to see anyone other than his mother right then, but he was proven wrong when relief flooded him at the sight of Officer Gerald. He was the only officer who knew why Kendall had done what he'd done and believed him. Plus, Kendall knew Gerald was doing everything he could to lighten Kendall's sentence as much as possible. Maybe Kendall had been sentenced to three more months until Officer Gerald got his word in.

Officer Burns, as Kendall now knew him, gave Kendall one last cold, disgusted glare before turning away and treading past his fellow officer without a word.

Gerald watched him go before he made his way over to the cell. Kendall tried to read his body language and facial expression. He thought maybe something had come up, and that was why the cop had come. But physically he gave away nothing.

He stopped in front of the cell and looked at Kendall in a much more understanding manner than any of the other officers had all day.

"Sixty days was the lightest I could get them to agree on," was the first thing he told Kendall.

But the only way Kendall would have cared would have been if he was listening. Which he wasn't. Officer Burns, as much as Kendall hated to admit it due to his immediate hatred for that man, had given him an idea. Inspiration.

"The tape," interrupted the blonde prisoner.

Officer Gerald blinked. "I'm sorry? Kendall, watching the tape again isn't going to help lighten your sentence even more."

Kendall shook his head frantically. "No, no. you _saw _the tape. But did you _hear _it?"

Gerald frowned. What was this boy getting at? The officer was starting to worry. Just over three hours in this cell and already Kendall was losing it.

"I doubt _hearing _what you said to him is going to help anything, either."

"But it _would,_" Kendall argued. "You believe me when I say that Clark was working for Hawk, right?"

The cop affirmed.

"But none of the other officers do. That, and I have no proof." Kendall's eyes twinkled. _This might just work._

"Only I _do _have proof. And it's on that tape. On that tape, Hawk confessed to making Clark do what he did. Or at least, he said something along those lines that _proves _it!" Kendall, standing behind bars, sentenced to two months in prison, was getting excited about the tape which had landed him there. It wasn't something Officer Gerald saw every day.

"Look, Kendall, I truly do believe everything you've been saying" the police man began slowly. "And I do feel sympathy for you and your friends. But I cannot break the law by letting you go. There was no audio with that tape."

Kendall swore as he spun in his cell and began to pace. "He planned the whole thing!" he cried incredulously. "That son-of-a-bitch set this whole thing up! There had to have been audio on that tape; he just cut it out!" Kendall's hand went up to rub at his temples. He barely noticed he was performing the action.

"He's been plotting against us for almost a year! And now that there's evidence of how evil he really is, that evidence is so _coincidentally _gone? !" He emitted a strangled growl of fury from deep in his throat. "There _has _to be some other way, damn it!" Kendall pounded his tightly clenched fist against the metal bars of the cell. Officer Gerald watched calmly. He honestly did wish there was something he could do for the distressed teen, and not only him, but his suffering friends as well. But he couldn't very well go against the police force.

"Can't you send someone undercover, have them follow Hawk around?" Kendall suggested. His tone implicated desperation to the point of needing to resort to craziness; he didn't really think Officer Gerald would agree to that, but he realized that it may actually be a good idea, and he pressed further.

"It happens sometimes. This is the perfect opportunity. Hawk won't suspect a thing, at least not _right now, _and I'm not the only one claiming Hawk's immorality. All of my friends, my mother, my boss, they'll all back me up on that. And you believe us. So, why not?"

Kendall finished his rant and looked over at Officer Gerald. The cop actually appeared impressed. Kendall had put up a strong argument there. Maybe Officer Gerald _could _organize something like that, send someone undercover. He wanted to help more than anything, and it seemed like a good idea, one worth trying.

But still he had his doubts. He'd already gotten a month shaved off Kendall's original sentence, unbeknownst to the teen. What if that was all the Chief would allow? Gerald certainly couldn't make the decision of sending someone undercover himself.

He rubbed his hands over his face and sighed. "I'll see what I can do. It'll need some convincing, but I may be able to make that happen."

Kendall nodded, glad Officer Gerald was the way he was. If Kendall had suggested such a thing to Officer Burns, he likely would have just laughed in his face and told him to dream on.

But Kendall knew not to get too excited. It was a _maybe. _And even if the maybe turned into a yes, there was no telling whether or not Hawk would slip up and expose his true, worthless self while unknowingly under the watch of the police. And if he did, when. By the time he got caught, it could be too late. Kendall could be long gone from prison, and James and even Carlos and Logan, possibly Katie and their mother, could be in danger or dead or...

But the point was, there still was a chance. If Officer Gerald could make this work, than maybe, just maybe, Hawk would be stopped once and for all. And that was better than nothing.

Right then, in the midst of a huge jumble of disasters and tragedies and catastrophes, Kendall felt a glimmer of hope. Then he remembered he was behind bars, helpless and alone and not with James, whom he was immensely worried about.

Officer Gerald said something and left, and Kendall sat again on the ground and was left to wallow in his thoughts that were no longer hopeful, but rather dark and hope_less._

* * *

><p>Kendall had no idea just how worried about his friend he really should have been. He didn't know that his friend was under sedation, and was being monitored closely by the nurses that always seemed to be in his room. Once one left, another entered, and Brooke, Carlos, and Sylvia were going crazy with not being able to see James.<p>

They had been forced _once again_ into the waiting room, and they were about one more day from dragging their mattresses from the Palm Woods into that dreary white room. It had become more of a home than the Palm Woods. An unwelcome one, that was.

They had been sitting in miserable silence for the good part of an hour, when Carlos' soft voice finally penetrated the heavy quietness. He'd murmured something while looking with disbelieving eyes at his phone screen.

"What was that, hun?" Sylvia questioned.

Carlos said it again, his voice soft, but it was enough to hear how it quavered, to pick out the shock in his tone. "Two months."

"Two mon-" Sylvia understood quite suddenly. "That's...For what he did, I mean, it could have been so much worse..."  
>Brooke didn't say anything. She hadn't even seemed to have had heard Carlos.<p>

But Carlos didn't care that it could have been worse. What he cared about was what it _was; _a long time without his friend, his band mate, his leader.

_His band mate._

Carlos' mind stuck on that one, and past the shock of hearing the news of Kendall's sentence- Carlos would think about that later, when he could get his head fully wrapped around it- the wonder registered, the wonder of what was happening or going to happen to the band. It was something Carlos hadn't thought a great deal of lately. None of them had. The matter of BTR had so abruptly become second rate to what was truly important- the boys' health and safety. And sanity.

What had, or was going to, become of them, of Big Time Rush? Was the band _ever _going to get back on track? Or had this mess been going on too long; was their extremely lengthy studio and stage absence irreversible?

It was a horrible thought, but Carlos couldn't put it out of his head. Just because it was the least desirable didn't mean it was the least probable. In fact, it was the _most _probably, and it killed Carlos to think that way, but over the past through months, he'd learned to stop being an optimist. That was how bad things had certainly gotten. Even Carlos didn't smile anymore.

Carlos felt the corners of his mouth pull even lower, almost unconsciously, and he remembered the vow he had made to himself and his three best buddies so many years ago. They'd been hardly twelve. Life had been fair, and easy. And even though Carlos had no intention of ever doing the thing he'd promised about, he made the vow still, just in case. Now he wished he hadn't.

Carlos squeezed his eyes shut and listened to himself repeat the words.

_The day I stop being happy is the day the world stops turning._

That day had come and gone. That day was everyday. They had long since passed that day. And it felt a lot to Carlos like the world had stopped turning.

* * *

><p>James returned to awareness slowly. His senses awoke, one by one, none of them sharp, everything remaining blurred and fuzzy in his heavy head.<p>

Hearing came to him first; he heard the steady beep of the heart monitor, annoying but reassuring. Next came his sense of touch. He felt the soft bed beneath him, the pillow under his head, and pain. His stomach felt like it was on fire, and he swore if he made one tiny movement, he would tear it open. The skin on his stomach felt tight and itchy, like... If James had been more coherent, he would have know that he was feeling his stitches tugging.

The rest of his body hurt, too, but the pain wasn't intense. It was more irritating than debilitating.

Then James opened his eyes.

Along with sight came the _real _pain. Bright white lights burned his retinas and made him cry out. He squeezed his eyes shut, but it was too late; the damage had been done. His brain was now pulsating vigorously against his skull, threatening to crack right through it. Suddenly all the minor aches from the rest of his body rushed up to his head, and the mind-splitting agony was all he knew.

James knew he was screaming; he could feel the shrieks of pain ripping from his throat, but he couldn't hear himself. That sense had been switched off again, and instead James could now _see, _but it wasn't the blinding light that invaded his brain. It was a man. A blonde man, thirties, holding a gun. He emanated pure evil. And Carlos. Carlos was there, too. He was bleeding heavily from his shoulder. The blood was what first snagged James' attention. It wasn't until after he'd gotten past the initial shock of seeing the deep red substance gushing from a bullet wound in his friend's body that James took in the rest of Carlos' appearance. Pale- grey, actually- faced, eyes shut, slumped against the wall. Lifeless. Dead.

James screamed.

And then the loathsome, fair-haired man was pulling on James' arm, for some reason, and James lashed out, shouting profanities and maybe Carlos' name.

He heard Dr. Clark- yes, the name came to him quite suddenly, paralyzing him with terror- saying something about restraints, and James thrashed even more wildly, desperate to get away.

Dr. Clark's hands were all over him. He screamed and screamed and screamed.

* * *

><p>The next time James awoke, he didn't remember any of that. So naturally he was confused and even more scared when he realized he couldn't move. His arms were pinned against his side, and he felt the slight pressure of straps pressing down on his legs. He knew he was being held down by restraints, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He wasn't afraid of the restraints. There were far scarier things. But he wasn't thinking about Dr. Clark now. He felt serene. Maybe he was pumped so full of drugs that he <em>couldn't<em> feel afraid. Whatever the reason, he was glad he didn't. He was tired of being scared all the time.

James was just about to close his eyes and relish in this unusual feeling of relaxation when from the corner of his eye he saw and nurse walk by. She casually peeked into the room, then backtracked when she saw that the patient's eyes were open and staring at her.

Dr. Hill entered the room, and her heart nearly shattered at the sight of the restrained teen. She hated that it had come to this, the undeniable need to pin him down like so, but he'd been hurting himself and had been endangering the staff. It had literally been the only choice, as sedating him was only a temporary resolution.

But to Dr. Hill's surprise, James didn't seem to be bothered by the restraints. In fact, she swore she saw resignation in his eyes; he just didn't care anymore. He'd given up on feeling anything, it seemed. Everything he'd been through, it had cracked him beyond repair, and now he was just an emotionless shell of his former self.

Another piece of Dr. Hill's heart chipped away.

"Nice to see you awake," she began softly. "Are you okay?" It was a stupid, redundant question and she knew it, but she couldn't help herself.

"I don't know what I am anymore," James murmured, and his voice was even more resigned than his dead eyes. "I'm just...broken. That's all that's left of me, pieces, ones that will never be able to be put back together. Even if my friends are the glue."

Dr. Hill felt a few hot tears escape from the corners of her eyes and track down her face. She didn't bother to wipe them away. This was simply too heart-breaking. She moved closer to James. She studied him a moment. She looked past the obvious- the fading bruises and the fresh bandage around his torso and the healing cut on his temple- and deeper inside. Past the obvious surrender to all things unfair. She saw a strange calmness, one she did not expect to see. He was _calm. _After everything he'd been through, after screaming and cursing and thrashing around just hours ago, he was now completely tranquil. It was almost eerie.

But that calmness was what compelled Dr. Hill to do what she did next. She reach across James and unsnapped the restraints.

His glassy hazel eyes watched her movements, and he relaxed even more. She trusted him. He knew he couldn't abuse that trust, and suddenly James knew that he wouldn't. Somehow, he felt that since he was no longer retrained, he wouldn't give them any reason to re-snap the restraints. He wouldn't let himself lose it again.

Of course, having another fit of panic was completely out of his control, but he just felt so _serene _in that moment. He wanted the feeling to last forever.

James blinked up at Dr. Hill as she unhooked the restraints from his bed. She didn't say a word, not even when he quietly thanked her. She simply ran her hand through his hair once and left the room.

James watched her leave, and he realized that it hadn't even bothered him that she had said nothing to reassure him after his speech of defeat. He was so sick and tired of hearing false assurances. He'd rather people just tell him how bad things were going to get so that he could be prepared. Instead, that straight up _lied _to him, said things they only wished were true. And James was done with that.

So, yes, he was actually almost _glad _that Dr. Hill hadn't done anything more than stroke his hair.

James moved his arms and legs around, savouring the privilege of free movement and even relishing the pain. He didn't care that it hurt. Crying wasn't going to help. He was through with being weak. It weakened everyone else around him, and weakness was the last thing they needed to be.

* * *

><p>Logan thanked the officer as he swung the door shut behind him. The squad car pulled out of the hospital parking lot, and Logan made his way toward the entrance.<p>

He and Mrs. Knight both knew there was nothing she could do or say to sway the decision of Kendall's sentence, but she'd stayed at the station anyway, because she was allowed to see Kendall for half an hour before he was taken away to prison. Katie had stayed firmly by her mother's side.

Logan would have liked to have a half hour with Kendall, as well, but he was far too worried about James to stay. He was sure Kendall would understand. Besides, Logan knew he would be distracted by his concerned thoughts the entire time if he'd stayed with Kendall. Of course he'd been worried about his blonde friend's predicament, but his thoughts had been on James during his whole visit at the police station. He _needed _to see his emotionally wrecked friend. Fortunately for him, one of the officer's had been polite enough to offer him a ride to the hospital, since Mrs. Knight would need her van to get her and Katie back to the hospital later.

Logan hustled through the automatic sliding doors and glanced into the waiting room to see if he could spot Carlos or his mother, or Brooke. None of them were in there. Maybe they were in James' room.

Logan speed-walked to the elevator, not wanted to get reprimanded for running, but once he was on the second floor, he glanced either way down the hall, then took off in a sprint to James' room.

The door wasn't open nor closed; it was slightly ajar. Logan listened hard through the opening, but all he could hear was the steady _beep, beep, beep _of James' heart monitor. No voices. So Logan peeked his around the door and saw James laying on his back, looking pale and so fragile as he stared up at the ceiling, unmoving and unblinking.

Logan knocked gently. James didn't flinch. So Logan knocked a bit louder and cleared his throat. When it was apparent that he was to be getting no reaction from James, the smart boy took a step into the room. "Up for a visitor?" he asked.

Without removing his eyes from whatever was so fascinating on the plain white ceiling, James nodded slightly.

Logan moved further into the room, making his way to James' bed. He took a seat in one of the plastic chairs in the corner of the room after moving it beside James' bed. Then he took a moment to study his friend. He didn't like what he saw. Ashen complexion, dull eyes, disheveled hair...the eyes were what got to Logan the most.

Finally, after about three minutes, James spoke. Logan almost wished he hadn't. "I know they want to put me in the psychiatric department."

Logan didn't have a response.

James sighed. "I don't agree. I'm fine now."

"James-"

"No, really." James spoke softly, calmly. It was such a nice change from his usual panicky tone that Logan almost didn't take into consideration the fact that since it was such a change, it seemed _wrong._

"I freaked out, got sedated, woke up, and now I'm fine. And I don't just mean for right now. I mean, I feel like nothing will ever bother me again. I know Clark is dead; why do- or, why _did-_ I keep letting myself see him?"

"James, you..."

James nodded. "Yup. I remember. All of it. Every last horrible detail. Only it's done now, it's over with. It's all in the past, so why bother letting it get in my head? It was bad, yes, really bad, but now I can forget about it and focus on getting our band back out there. We're still a band, remember? Gosh, it hardly feels like it anymore. But don't worry Logan, I promise all of you that Big Time Rush _will _rise again. All we have to do is wait for Kendall to get released. That'll be soon, right, Logan? Kendall didn't do anything wrong. And as soon as he's out of the slammer, we are all heading straight back to the studio and listening to Gustavo scream at us for ten hours, because even though I may sound out of my mind-"

_Not at all, _Logan thought dejectedly.

"-I actually miss that. I guess the bottom line of all this rambling is: Nothing can or will stop us. Big Time Rush is going to make a big time comeback."

* * *

><p>It had taken Logan a good ten minutes to absorb it all. James <em>remembered, <em>and he wasn't disturbed in the slightest. Then again, he had told Logan everything that had happened while he'd been at the police station. The severe panic attack- that must have been an understatement- the sedation, the freaking _restraints (_that part fazed Logan a bit, and he was glad he hadn't had to see it) and then the waking up and feeling utterly, completely serene. It didn't make sense. The only possible explanation was that James was shattered far worse than he'd thought; he was shutting off his emotions, not _allowing _himself to _feel. _Anything.

Even when Logan had told James that Kendall was going to be in jail for two months. James hadn't seemed as upset as he should have. He'd played the optimist and said by that time, James would just be fully recovered- physically.

After that discussion was over with and Logan had learned that Carlos, Brooke and Sylvia were in the cafeteria, Logan's phone had gone off timely, and he'd hurried out of the room to answer when the name 'Gustavo' had popped up on the screen.

James had simply continued his staring contest with the ceiling while fantasizing BTR's next concert.

Shortly after, his own phone began buzzing. The police had gotten it back for him from Clark's office after the crime scene had been cleaned. The phone had been sitting on the table beside James' hospital bed ever since he'd woken from the psuedocoma.

Curiously, he picked it up. His eyes scanned the screen, and he saw why it was going off. For the first time since he'd last woken, emotion registered within him. He felt his eyes fill with tears.

Just then the door opened, and Logan came back in. James knew right away that something was horribly wrong; he could see it in Logan's dispirited face.

He began explaining without any prompting from James.

"That was Gustavo. He spoke with Griffin earlier."

James felt his stomach tighten into a knot. He swallowed hard and listened to Logan's next words carefully.

"It wasn't a long conversation, but it was pretty heated..." Logan was stalling. He knew he was. He didn't want to say it. He didn't even want to think it. But he'd known this was coming. At least, he'd estimated it would. With Kendall in jail and James in the hospital and Carlos injured...It was so blindingly obvious that the four of them had shut it out, thinking that maybe, just maybe, if they didn't consider it, it wouldn't happen. But it had happened, and now it was time to reveal the devastating news. James was already so broken, Logan figured it couldn't get any worse.

Logan's voice was barely a whisper as he spoke the heavy, dreadful words. "It's over. _We're _over. The band is dead."

So this was it then. The official end of Big Time Rush.

James shut his eyes as a numbness spread across his body. His first feeling wasn't that of sadness, or remorse, or even anger. He felt...nothing.

However, a single tear did escape from beneath his tightly closed lids.

The news couldn't have come at a worse time.

It was a minute past midnight. James' phone had gone off because he'd set an alarm, one he set on the same day at the same time every year, so that the instant it was that special day, he'd know.

Today was James' seventeenth birthday.

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah. So. If everything that's going on isn't bad enough, it's going down on James' birthday...Gosh, could I be any nastier to that boy?<strong>

**So maybe you noticed and maybe you didn't- I'm hoping you guys didn't- but about halfway through this chap I got so tired of being stuck on it that I just started spewing random crap onto the page and...that was the result. Hope it's not too disappointing. I know it's certainly not my best work.**


	38. Suffocating

**Novel contest=over=YES! ! ! I am FINALLY free again and summer vacation for me is only two days away! ! Meaning, MORE UPDATES! However, I am still awaiting the results of the contest, and if I make top 50 I go to Ottawa, so...hmm. The point is, I WILL finish this fic, and SOON! There's only one chapter left plus a short epilogue, or at least that's the plan, so...In the meantime, please enjoy this WAY overdue chapter and please disregard my EXCESSIVE use of CAPS LOCK in this AN. What can I say? Excitement=BIG LETTERS!**

**I would also quickly like to give a huge thanks and shout out to Leena, for reviewing every chapter from the start! You're an amazing girl, and I look forward to the day when you get an account of your own and start writing! LOVE YA!**

Breakdown

Chapter 37: Suffocating

Carlos had always thought red was such a pretty colour. It was a bold colour. It represented love. But it was also the colour of blood. The blood that was oozing in a steady gush from his shoulder.

And pain. The pain was so intense, it made Carlos see red. Red was also, ironically, the colour of rage. Love and rage, represented by the same colour. It made no sense to Carlos.

But that didn't matter. What did matter was the fact that a sticky, wet, _red _substance was running down his arm and dripping off the tips of his fingers. And along with the red blood came the red haze that signified pain. Only Carlos couldn't feel the pain. He only felt terror. Because the gun that had put the bullet in his shoulder scared him. Because the man behind the gun that had put the bullet in his shoulder scared him. But even the LA Self Healing Center where the man behind the gun had put the bullet in shoulder scared him.

He was scared for James. He was scared for the future. He was scared for all of his brothers. But right then, the person he was most scared for was himself. And he didn't care how selfish that seemed. He had a reason to be scared.

He was about to die.

Another bullet was about to be lodged into him, and this time, Carlos knew, it was going to be aimed at his head. And Dr. Clark wouldn't miss.

* * *

><p>Carlos didn't scream as the bullet pierced through the air. He only gasped and his body stiffened. It seemed a strange reaction to being shot, but after a moment Carlos realized he wasn't reacting to being shot. He was reacting to waking up with a jolt.<p>

Carlos blinked and looked around. He was still in the hospital waiting room, just as he'd been for the past hour, where he'd fallen asleep. But where had his mother gone? And Logan, and Brooke, where were they? Surely they wouldn't have gone to see James without waking him. Maybe they'd all had to go to the bathroom at the same time? It seemed unlikely to Carlos.

It seemed even more unlikely that _all _of the waiting room occupants and even the hospital staff would have had to go to the bathroom at the same time; save for Carlos himself, the waiting area was completely vacant. In fact, the only chair in there was the one Carlos was slouched in.

Carlos hastily jumped from his seat and frantically looked around, but the action was pointless; he was deserted, completely alone.

"Wh-what is going on?" he stuttered aloud. His voice echoed loudly in the big, empty room. Only...it wasn't so big. Carlos knew it should have seemed bigger, the waiting area, with less people in it, but the walls seemed to be closing in on him.

It was when the ceiling began to descend, threatening to crush him from above as well as from either side, that Carlos realized he was no longer alone.

One look at the other person in the ever-compressing room, and Carlos wasn't so sure being crushed to death would be such a bad thing. Because somehow, he knew that, this time, his death wouldn't be quick, like his dream. It wouldn't be a simple bullet wound. It would be much, much more painful. Torturous. Because really, that was all Dr. Clark cared about in life, being a major sadist.

Carlos watched in growing horror as the despicable man walked slowly toward him, his eyes dark and cold and evil as ever.

"B-but y-you're dead," Carlos sputtered, astonished. He'd _seen _the dead eyes staring back at him, open for the last time. He'd _felt _the pressure of the body, never to move again, on top of him. Through the terror and confusion, it felt stupidly ironic. The dead weight of Dr. Clark on top of him right after they'd both been shot; it had practically been suffocating him. Now here he was, suffocating, as the walls and the ceiling bore down on him. Or maybe he'd suffocate in a different way entirely; maybe he'd stop breathing and his heart would give out from utter fear. Plain and simple. Literally scared to death.

Clark was laughing now. "I am? I don't _feel _dead. Do I _look_ dead to you, Carlos?"

"You sure did when the cops shot you!" Carlos blurted without thinking. Then again, this man was already planning on killing him as agonizingly as possible. What harm could a few harsh words do?

The smirk morphed into a scowl. "Yes, well, if I recall, you'd been shot, as well. How can you be sure your mind wasn't simply playing a trick on you?"

"The police told us you died! You died right away! This isn't real!"

The smirk made a reappearance. Carlos blinked when he shouldn't have; in the nano-second it took for his eyes to flash shut then open, Dr. Clark had moved across the room so that he was right in front of him. Or maybe it was just that the room was growing smaller still.

"If it wasn't real, would you be able to feel _this?"_

Carlos didn't even need to blink this time. Dr. Clark moved to quick for the eye to follow. And then his neck was on fire. Burning, searing pain. A blanket of hurt and agony washed over him, and there he was, suffocating again. Choking on his own blood, as it poured down his neck and clogged his throat. And yes, damn it, he _could _feel it.

And the walls, the ceiling...now he wasn't just suffocating from the outside; he was suffocating _inside, _too.

Carlos tried to scream, but all that came out was a sick, bubbly gurgle as more blood gushed from his mouth and neck. Carlos gagged and gasped, coughing, choking, drowning, _suffocating..._

_Dying._

* * *

><p><em>Sigh. <em>"No, I'm seventeen."

"And you're famous?"

"Yes."

"...I don't recognize you."

"Yeah, well, that's because we don't wear _orange jumpsuits _on stage. Besides, you've been in here too long. We _just _made it big, but now..."

"Now what?"

Kendall glared at the wall. "Now nothing."

"Hmm..."

"_What_?"

"You beat a guy half to death."

"Yes. And I'd do it again in a heartbe- why am I telling you all this?"

"I dunno. Cause you're my cell mate and it gets pretty boring when you have no one to talk to. I've been waitin' months for someone to room with."

Kendall scoffed, not bothering to hide his disgust. _Room _with? What did Hammer think this was, a college dorm? It was a freaking _prison cell! _

Kendall bit his cheek so he wouldn't say something that would tick Hammer- his _cell _mate's chosen name-off. Kendall didn't know his real name. Nobody did. But they did all know _why_ he chose to be called Hammer. It didn't need much looking in to; hammers were his choice weapon. If the tool didn't exist, he wouldn't be in the hell hole called jail right then; he wouldn't have had nearly killed several people.

Anyone who would hear the name 'Hammer' would most likely picture a big, beefy, greasy, intimidating man. That had been Kendall's first thought when the guard had told him he'd be holing up with 'Hammer'. But that wasn't reality at all. Hammer looked like an average guy. Longish blond hair, blue eyes that were neither lively nor dull, just kind of seeing and accepting. He wasn't filthy or anything. He was a joker, smiling much too often for someone stuck in this tiny cell. He wasn't much older than Kendall, only 22. He'd been in here for eleven months already, and had one more to go. A year for multiple cases of battery. Other than his obvious hindered intelligence, he didn't seem like a bad guy. Friendly enough. But Kendall wasn't here to make friends. He wasn't planning on having time to make friends. He was planning on being out of here sooner than that could be possible. He wasn't sure how long an undercover mission to catch Hawk would take, but he hoped it would be sooner than the two months he was sentenced to. That was, if the undercover mission even took place. Kendall prayed Officer Gerald would pull through for him.

"Hey, wait a- I know who you are," a voice said from the next cell. Kendall lifted his eyes to see another young man on the other side of the bars dividing Kendall's cell and this new guys'. Like Hammer, he looked decent.

"Big Time Rush, right?"

Kendall nodded.

"Right on. My little sister loves you guys. Followed you around on tour, made her friend's 'rents drive to all of your venues. Spent a crap load of money. Hey, you the one who blew chunks all over the stage in Jersey?"

Kendall rolled his eyes. He knew the last thing James wanted to be remembered for was that.

"No, it wasn't me. And tell your sister thanks a bunch." _If you ever get out of here and see her again._

"So, what's it like, bein' famous?" Hammer asked. Kendall noticed that he, along with the guy who recognized him and the latter's cell mate, were as close to him as they could get, ready to listen intently. Kendall had never felt so out of place. Having casual conversations in jail? No, scratch that, talking about his _profession _in jail? It was too weird...

Kendall sighed. He saw no other way to pass the time.

"You'd think being famous," he began, "would be a dream come true. Living the good life. Every road's the high road. Acting, singing, whatever it is you're famous for, it's fun and easy. And that was true. For the first six months. Then we kind of fell apart. Got ripped apart, actually. That's when things started getting bad. _Really _bad."

* * *

><p>James and Logan jumped when Carlos unexpectedly began coughing and gagging in his sleep. Before Logan could get to him, his eyes flew open, wide and shiny and terrified, and Carlos sat up straight in his chair as he continued to hack uncontrollably, tears streaming down his face.<p>

Logan grabbed a bottle of water that was meant for James off the stand beside the bed and hurried to hand it to Carlos, rubbing the boys back, knowing that, contrary to popular belief, patting some one on the back while they are choking is the exact opposite of helpful.

Carlos gasped for half a minute more, before finally gaining his breath back enough to sip shakily at the water.

James watched the entire scene unfold without moving an inch. Only his eyes wavered, widening.

Logan moved his hand to Carlos' uninjured shoulder and continued to rub gently. "You okay now?" he murmured, his concern completely unhindered despite his soft tone.

Carlos didn't shake nor nod his head. He wasn't sure. Physically, yes, he was okay. Now. It had only been a dream. But he'd heard his mother talking, to the other moms, to the doctors. And these flashbacks, these nightmares, were only further confirmation. He needed help.

But how? From who? Certainly he would never be expected to trust a therapist. But he couldn't go on living like this forever, either. He just prayed the awful memories and distorted dreams would go away on their own, in time. But in just how much time?

"Carlos, hey. You with me, buddy?" Logan's gentle voice got through to Carlos this time, and he still didn't answer. He simply looked up at Logan with an expression that clearly said _no. _Then his pained eyes moved past Logan, settling on the other boy in the room. James continued to stare at Carlos, but he remained unmoving.

"Is he okay?" Carlos whispered once he could speak again.

"He's worried. About you. Do you need a doctor?"

"No," Carlos replied defiantly. "Logan, it was just a dream. I'm fine. I want to know if James is, too."

Logan studied his shaken up friend a little longer. His shoulder didn't seem to be bothering him. No, but something else was. Something much less fixable.

But he was truly concerned about James, and frankly, so was Logan. A lot. So he sighed. He could ask Carlos about the dream later. When the obvious horror of it wasn't so fresh.

Logan snuck a glance at his bed-ridden friend. James remained motionless. Logan wasn't sure if he was seeing, if he could hear.

"Carlos, do you know what today is?" Logan questioned, quietly enough that James wouldn't be able to hear if he was even paying attention. Logan made his way over to James as Carlos pondered over the inquiry. It was a good one. Hours and days and even weeks were blurred now. Had been for a while. Carlos could not answer the question to save his life. He wasn't sure how it mattered. Their luck wasn't going to change on a certain day. All Carlos knew was that each day only brought on a new horror, pain, or conflict. And then those days melded into a never ending block of time, and therefore the horrors and pains and conflicts never ended.

While Carlos continued to try to figure out what day it _was, _Logan had come to a stop by James' bed. He peered worriedly at the silent boy. "James-"

James came back to life then, head snapping up so that his eyes could meet Logan's. "Don't. Just- don't say anything. I think I'm finally getting over it. Over everything. And if you say anything, I might snap. Again. So just _don't._"

Logan opened his mouth, and hesitated. He didn't think James was getting 'getting over it'. He thought he was still repressing it. But before Logan could decide whether or not he wanted to say something despite James' protest, Carlos let out a strange, choked noise from the corner of the room and was beside Logan in a second.

"I know," he murmured to Logan. His eyes were shiny with tears. Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a thin rectangle of wrapping paper.

"I've been carrying this around with me everywhere for a while. Ever since we got you back after the band break up, actually. Waiting for the right moment to give it to you. It was supposed to be a welcome back kind of thing, but so much ended up happening, and I almost forgot about it. And then things just kept getting worse and worse, and I wondered if I would ever be able to give it to you...now seems like the only...like the best time. I don't know, I just figure...things can't get worse, and even if this doesn't make you a little less sad...I can count on it not making you feel _more _sad."

Carlos handed the box to James, who accepted it, then stared at it for a moment, as if he would rather know what it was before he opened it. But he did open it, after a moment, and when he saw what it was, everything about him became nothing again. Unreadable. And Carlos was sure he'd made a mistake.

Until James started laughing.

It was the first time he'd laughed in an countless number of weeks, and it had to be the most beautiful sound Logan and Carlos had ever heard, genuine and spirited and pure. James was _smiling, _something his friends had been sure he'd never do again. It was some form of a miracle. A blessing.

"Is this a case for my lucky comb?" James asked, holding up the intricate and extravagantly designed box, just a bit larger in size than his prized comb.

"Y-yeah, it is," Carlos stuttered, still in minor shock from the unexpected peals of laughter that continued to float past James' grinning lips. "It seems stupid now, but..."

"No, Carlos, I love it!"

"I mean, it's just a little box," Carlos continued to babble, oblivious to James' happiness with the gift. "It's so silly, and I just _really _wanted-"

"_Carlos. _I. Love. It. It's perfect, really. Thank you so much."

Carlos blushed, glancing at Logan, who had reacted in the same way as Carlos to James' unanticipated laughing; shock, surprise, stupor. But he snapped out of it to say to Carlos "That's...that's so great of you, buddy."

James continued to chuckle as he inspected the case, hardly hearing Carlos' uncharacteristically soft, uncertain "Happy Birthday, James."

James set the box down in his lap and motioned to Carlos. "C'mere, buddy."

Carlos slunk closer to the bed, and James pulled him down so that he was sitting on the edge.

"It may seem silly to you, but this honestly makes me feel...a lot better. Really good. _Happy. _To know that you are still my silly, sweet, caring, awesome best friend." James reached out to grab Logan's hand, including him in the bromance- a word he would _never _say out loud. "And soon Kendall will be here with us and we'll all be able to go home and leave this town and everything it's brought us behind."

Logan and Carlos stayed quiet. It wasn't easy thinking of something to say to that. But James wasn't done.

"And I don't mean our musical careers are over. With Griffin, yes. But I'm sure Gustavo will fight for us. And even if he doesn't get us back, we're still young, we still have futures. Anywhere. As anything. Okay? So don't let any of this get you down. I did, and look what happened. But I'm recovering, slowly, but I am. And I'm feeling better already. I guess what I'm saying is, we are done letting LA suffocate us. We can move on. And we will, to bigger, better things. Together."

Logan and Carlos were so moved, they were tempting to burst into cheers and applause. If James meant what he'd just said- and he'd said it with so much feeling and conviction that there wasn't a doubt in their minds that he hadn't- then maybe they really would be okay. James had been through the most, gotten the worst of the world's bitter offerings, and he was recovering. And that meant the rest of them finally could, too.

"And, sorry to break apart this little moment we're having, but...Carlos. You're still having dreams. Nightmares, memories. I'm not sure they're going to go away on their own."

"And aren't you still having them?" Logan questioned.

"They're still sedating me at night. I sleep a straight, uninterrupted seven hours. I'm sure once I'm out of here...I will," James admitted.

"Do- do you think we need...help?" Carlos said the last word hesitantly, meekly, like it was something to fear, help.

Logan and James exchanged knowing looks. "You don't want to be woken up every night like this, do you?" Logan asked rhetorically, referring to the awful choking and gagging that had roused Carlos. Said boy shook his head.

Logan sighed. "I know that the last thing you want is...well, you know. But I'm sure if you ever _did, _you know, you could bring an adult with you. Your mom, your dad. Maybe both."

Carlos just stared at the floor. "I don't think I want to talk about this right now."

Logan nodded, resting a hand on his friend's shoulder understandingly. "Okay."

Logan wasn't sure what to say now. He and Carlos were to wait in James' room until the mothers got back. Mrs. Knight was returning to the hospital tonight, unable to do anything more for Kendall at jail, and James and Carlos' moms were waiting for her downstairs. Now Logan couldn't think of a way to fill the silence until she arrived. But he didn't have to. James spoke up again.

"Logan, the night you went back to the apartment alone, and Hawk was there...you could have killed him."

Logan was startled by the statement. Not question. A blunt declaration. "Yeah?"

"Did you...try?"

Logan blinked. What was James getting at?

"Of course I tried! I still would if I had the chance! After all the crap he's put us through? ! I would do nothing less than at least _attempt _to kill him!"

"Okay."

"Why do you ask?"

James shook his head. "I don't know. I'm sorry. The medication they're giving me, plus my Lamotrigine meds... I'm a little fuzzy sometimes."

Logan was sure that was true, but he was also sure that James hadn't asked that question at random. He wanted to know something.

"James, do you think I would be too afraid to kill the man who broke two of my best friends so completely?"

James shook his head again. "No. Of course not. I just...wonder if _you _have nightmares."

Logan scoffed. He didn't mean to. He didn't want to sound condescending. It just came out. Disbelief.

"James, you're worried about _me _having nightmares? Compared to what you and Carlos are dreaming about? I'll admit, that was terrifying, being in the same room as him like that, but...I've almost forgotten about it. No nightmares."

Now James nodded. "Well, I wouldn't blame you for having at least one bad memory of that affecting your dreams. And now with Kendall in jail...who knows what he's gonna be dreaming about when he gets out?"

* * *

><p>"Kendall Knight, you have a visitor. Follow me, please."<p>

"Aww! He was just gettin' to the best part!" Hammer protested. The guard ignored him as Kendall gratefully got to his feet and followed the guard after the cell had been opened for him to get out, then quickly shut. Kendall had been beginning to get uncomfortable as he approached the part of the story where Dr. Clark was introduced. He'd been planning on leaving that part out, but then he'd have to make up and explanation for why he'd beaten on Hawk. He shouldn't have started spilling out his life story in the first place. Now he was relived for the interruption. Not to mention, curious.

Two guards flanked Kendall, holding his arms firmly, but he wasn't cuffed for the short walk from his cell to a small, square room with telephones and a glass window stretching from the ceiling to desks. Kendall took a seat across the glass from his visitor after a different guard, who monitored to room, told him he had ten minutes max.

Kendall picked up the receiver as he nodded at the man on the other side of the glass. "Well?"

"I ran it by the chief. We're clear." Officer Gerald smiled, and Kendall's heart and spirits lifted a bit. "I'm going undercover."

**There's nothing better than the feeling of completing a new chapter. Except for maybe the feeling of reviews even after you've kept you readers waiting a ridiculous amount of time... :) ?**


	39. Recovery

…**..I...have nothing to say for myself.**

Breakdown

Chapter 38: Recovery

Dr. Roberts studied the papers from Dr. Hill on her desk down in the psych department. The ones regarding James Diamond. Dr. Roberts remembered when she'd diagnosed him, months ago, with bipolar disorder. It had been a sad moment. This was sadder. James was so completely shattered, and yet, he thought he was putting himself back together. According to Dr. Anderson's report, which Dr. Roberts had gone over earlier, James was now repressing emotions instead of memories. He had remembered what had landed him in the hospital, every last punch Clark had thrown at him, each and every horrible, unthinkable threat. And yet James didn't care. He claimed he wasn't afraid, and that what had happened was behind him. Dr. Anderson wasn't so sure that was the case. He anticipated another meltdown or few, a crack in the armour. James was drowning his feelings in numbness, and that wouldn't last.

And now James was saying he didn't need any psychological help. He said he wasn't scared of that, either. He just felt it was unnecessary. But Dr. Roberts thought different. Or at least, she thought she did. Dr. Anderson was sure James was going to need to be moved to the psych department by the time he was physically well enough; Dr. Hill, on the other hand, who had started off in the psych department, unlike Dr. Anderson, was convinced that James was truly healing emotionally, and that psychological therapy wouldn't be needed and could potentially make James convert back to the extreme fear he'd experienced upon initially remembering.

Both doctors were experienced enough that Dr. Roberts couldn't and wouldn't bias her decision on that. But both also had valid points. However, it was up to Dr. Roberts to ultimately decide whether or not to bring James down here to psych once he was recovered enough to be moved, which should be in three days max.

Dr. Roberts glanced over both reports once more. If James really was putting his mind back together, perhaps reintroducing him to counseling would only cause him panic. Panic that may very well never resurface if he wasn't put into another situation where he was forced to trust a stranger. She really didn't want to make him go to therapy and be the cause of yet another breakdown from the boy. Not if it wasn't necessary.

Dr. Roberts exhaled decisively as she picked up her pen. She hesitated a moment, finalizing it in her mind. Yes, this was right. It was better this way.

In black ink, Dr. Roberts wrote across a report of her own; **Patient not in need of transfer to Psychological Department.**

* * *

><p>All the talk of nightmares had dampened James' mood even further. The pie Carlos had snuck him from the hospital cafeteria had been surprisingly good- at least, the one bite James had taken, before deciding that he didn't have the appetite for even his favourite food. James had smiled when Carlos had brought it in, but now he was just getting annoyed with his friend for still mourning over not having had been able to get a birthday candle for it.<p>

But James wasn't in the birthday mood. How could he be? Lying in a hospital bed with one injured friend and one prisoner friend was not how he wanted to celebrate turning 17. He had even asked all the moms not to sing him happy birthday.

So now James was having nightmares about pie, and he felt even more messed up in the head than he had so far.

"Logan..."

"Yeah?"

"When am I-"

"When are you what?"

James sighed, gripping the bedsheets tightly in his fists and releasing. "Nevermind."

Logan sat up from his slouched, bored position in his chair. He looked at his friend closely. "No, James, what is it?"

James kept his eyes downcast, making sure they didn't meet Logan's. He hadn't made eye contact with anyone for three hours; he wasn't about to start now. He didn't want to. He couldn't.

"I was just wondering...when am I...when can I leave?"

Logan gave the brunette a skeptical look to match his answer. "The doctor already said you're being discharged in two days. Everything looks good. You're healing up nicely."

James just nodded, eyes still averted, becoming silent.

Logan rose from his chair and moved to stand by James' bed. It was more than obvious that something else was bothering James, something much deeper. And Logan was determined to find out what.

"James."

The boy in question remained stoic.

Logan knelt on the edge of the bed and leaned close to James. "James. Come on. Look at me."

"Why, Logan?" came the whispered response, and despite the soft volume, Logan could hear the strain in James' voice. Like he knew he was about to have to say something he didn't want to say.

"James, what's your real question?"

James just shook his head.

"_James." _Logan grabbed James' chin with one hand and turned the boy's head carefully but effectively toward his. "James, _look at me. Answer me. _You were fine a couple of hours ago. Dr. Anderson told you that you can go home in two days. You were happy. Now you're just like you were before."

James shrugged. "So what, Logan? If you went through what I did, you'd be acting a little unpredictable, too, don't you think?"

Logan frowned, a little taken aback. James had told him yesterday that he wasn't afraid anymore. That what had happened no longer bothered him like it had at first. But Logan hadn't believed any of that in the first place. So maybe this sudden change in mood was supposed to be happening. False bravado replaced by the true concerns. A defense mechanism.

_Don't forget, he also has a disorder that gives him mood swings, and his medication is a bit wonky right now, _Logan reminded himself resentfully.

James suddenly made a disgusted noise and brought his fist down hard on the bed. "I don't know, maybe it's the fact that going back home doesn't excite me when I know Kendall won't be coming back with us. Maybe it's the fact that Griffin is done with us. Which means we're done. Period. Maybe it's the way the doctors were talking about putting me in the psych ward, and now they're not. Maybe it's the freaking pie! I don't know. It's everything. All of it! I'm still so messed up, Logan, and that's my real question. When am I going to be normal again?" James paused. Then, softer; "_Am _I ever going to be normal again?"

For the first time, Logan had no answer. It didn't take even a second for James to pick up on what that meant.

"You can't even answer! You can't say yes, because you'd be lying! And you don't know what else to say. You're not going to throw a bunch of worthless assurances in my face. Not you, Logan. But, you know what? I'm glad. I'm actually glad for that. I'd rather you let your silence speak for you than for you to speak crap." James tugged a hand through his hair in frustration. He pulled in a short, sharp inhale and released a short, sharp exhale. Then he spoke again.

"Logan, I...actually want to be alone right now. Okay?"

Logan raised his gaze to his friend's solemn face. "James, no, I'm not leaving you."

"No, you're right, you're not. You'll just be doing what I want. And that is something small and simple. To be _alone._ Please, Logan." James spoke the harmless words in a way that made Logan feel like James wanted to be harmful. So when he left the room, he decided ask to make sure James was getting the right amount of Lamotrigine.

* * *

><p>Kendall was really starting to regret all of the times he had complained about being bored. Rainy days at home alone were nothing compared to being in prison. He only got to leave his cell once a day, for an hour and a half, when all of the prisoners got "free time". Kendall spent that time during his first day just sitting at a picnic table out in the jail yard with Hammer and one of the guys from the cell next to them, Nate, the only person he had met so fat that recognized him as being from Big Time Rush.<p>

Kendall couldn't believe he was actually hanging out with criminals. What he found even worse was that he didn't really think of them as criminals, despite the fact the Hammer had nearly killed several people and Nate had robbed three banks. But when you have nothing more to do than recount the dashes etched into the cell wall, you find yourself talking. About anything. And Kendall, Hammer and Nate had done a lot of that the past two days.

And since Kendall was able to admit to himself that he was afraid to be alone while out of his cell, he tried to be friendly with his cell mate and neighbour. And it didn't take long for Kendall to come to a shocking realization; these guys didn't seem bad at all. They acted more like high school students than convicts.

So while jail was boring, it wasn't as scary as Kendall thought it would have been. There hadn't been any fights amongst prisoners, the guards didn't treat them horribly. But then again, Kendall had only been here a day and a half.

"Two months really ain't so bad," Hammer was saying. "Once you get used to the gist of things in here, it actually goes by pretty quickly.

Kendall just sighed. He wanted to say 'Well, hopefully I'll be saying my goodbyes sooner than that'. But he knew he couldn't breathe a word about Officer Gerald's undercover assignment. It was all Kendall had been thinking about for the past 24 hours, and sometimes it was hard not to pray for his early escape out loud.

Now Kendall closed his eyes and tilted his head back, completely tuning out Nate as he launched into yet another story of his tedious yet genius plotting of his previously successful bank robberies. If a 20 year old high school drop out could succeed as a thief as long as he had, surely a trained officer could pull off a successful undercover mission.

* * *

><p>"Hawk Records, how may I help you become a bigger sensation than your rival?"<p>

The man with the glasses and the goatee raised his eyebrows somewhat disdainfully. "I'm...just the electrician." He motioned to his coveralls, and Hawk nodded.

"Of course...why are you here?"

"Routine examination, sir. Just to make sure nothing's gone wrong that you don't know about."

"Really? Doesn't seem very '_routine_" considering this is the first I've heard of this 'examination'."

"New 2012 protocol. Now if you don't mind..."

Hawk scrutinized this stranger. The brand name on his coveralls said LA-Electric, the best electronics company in the city. Beneath the logo was the name Tony sewn into the fabric in yellow cursive letters.

Hawk pursed his lips. "If _you _don't mind, I'd like to see some ID."

"No problem." Tony pulled out a small sheath-covered square and held it out for Hawk to take. Hawk studied the ID intensely, only to find that it was completely legitimate. He handed it back carefully.

"I'm going to do the examination now," Tony said slowly, as if he were explaining himself to a toddler. Hawk just sat back behind his desk without a word.

"I need you to evacuate, sir."

Hawk's features darkened. "I need to leave." He didn't say it as a question. He said it as a statement of disbelief.

"Yes, sir, you do. No one is allowed in the building. Part of the protocol. Safety hazards. I have already made sure everyone else has left the building."

"I'm being kicked out of my office for an examination that I don't need."

"I wouldn't put it that way, sir. This would be a lot quicker and easier if you didn't put up a fight."

Hawk sat silently for a moment, seemingly contemplating, before sighing loudly and scanning his desk. All clear. The drawers were already locked.

Hawk stood from his desk and gave Tony another skeptical look. "If any of my personal belongings are tampered with..."

"Of course not, sir. _That _is not part of the protocol."

Hawk scowled and strode from the office. Officer Gerald was left alone. He watched Hawk turn onto the stairwell and go down. He waited sixty seconds. Then he closed and locked the door and got to work.

* * *

><p>Sylvia sighed as she stared into her full cup of coffee. She couldn't bring herself to drink it. Drinking coffee was a normal, casual thing to do. This was not a normal, casual situation. Unconsciously, she tilted her cup side to side, until hot coffee spilled down the sides and puddled on the surface of the table. Sylvia sighed again and didn't bother to wipe up the mess.<p>

"Something's bothering you."

Sylvia looked up, startled from having become accustomed to the silence in the room. Jennifer was looking at her, her eyes displaying concern.

"Something other than the obvious, I mean."

Sylvia glanced back down at her coffee. She watched the drops roll down the sides as she answered. "It is sort of obvious, actually. Carlos is having nightmares, every time he closes his eyes. And I don't know if they'll ever go away with time. At least, not without some sort of help. Professional help. But..."

"But you don't think he can trust anyone."

Sylvia laughed humourlessly. "_I _wouldn't even trust anyone. Not anymore. Not after this."

Jennifer nodded slowly, in an understanding matter. Every since Kendall had been behind bars, she'd been unable to keep her mind off of him. It was bad enough worrying about how he was taking everything, how he was doing, how he was being treated, if he would get out early... Now she couldn't help but wonder if _he _was going to need help, too.

"I'm sure you would be allowed to go with him. To a session," Jennifer mused. "Or perhaps get someone your husband trusts. With his-"

"Someone _her husband _trusts? !" Jennifer and Sylvia swiveled their heads to Brooke, startled. Her outburst had _not _been expected.

"I'm sorry," she scoffed insincerely. "But what difference does it make if it's someone a cop trusts as opposed to anyone else? The most trustworthy seeming people are the most deceitful. What happened to my son is a perfect example of that." Brooke shook her head. "It's not a good idea. Nobody can be trusted. Getting the help isn't worth the risk."

Sylvia blinked in shock. There was no way Brooke was being serious.

"The chances of this happening again are extremely thin, Brooke," she pointed out. "And nobody would try anything with an officer in the room. My husband has sharp instincts, need I remind you. And he would take a day off duty to go with Carlos in a heartbeat." When Brooke didn't respond, Sylvia did what she had to do. She went right for the kill.

"What does this mean for James then, Brooke? His nightmares will be worse than Carlos'. Are you not going to do anything about that? Are you going to just hope they go away? Because let me tell you something. They won't. They won't go away like magic, and when you're lying in bed listening to your son screaming in the middle of the night for countless nights in a row, you are going to realize how idiotic you sound right now."

Jennifer's eyes widened. She'd always known Brooke had a hot temper, and insulting her was the best way to set her off. So Jennifer was swimming in disbelief when Brooke, instead of fighting back, simply stood up and walked out of the room. She stared at the door, waiting for Brooke to come back screaming until she heard Sylvia release a shaky breath behind her.

"I'm leaving tomorrow. I have to. But, Carlos isn't ready for me to..." Sylvia stared at her coffee again, watching the steam rise. Her arm twitched as she contemplated throwing the hot liquid-filled cup across the room. But that would do no good. None at all. Chucking scalding beverages at walls wasn't going to rid Carlos of his haunting memories and nightmares.

"Carlos is stronger than you think, Sylvia," Jennifer tried to reason. "The...events...are still pretty fresh. I honestly think they _will _go away on their own. Yes, he's still having dreams, but remember when he first had them? Remember how much worse they were?"

Sylvia gripped her cup harder, seconds away from breaking the styrofoam. She didn't want to be reminded.

"Even I can see they aren't as bad now. He _is _getting better, Sylvia. Slowly but surely. I feel pretty confident in saying that the nightmares _will _go away on their own. Eventually. But until whenever that is...well, it's up to you."

Sylvia shook her head, eyes remaining trained firmly on her coffee. "When you all come back for good. That should be...soon. We'll see how Carlos is then. Either he'll be better or no different. Any progress or lack of between now and then will make my decision easier. But for now-" Sylvia sighed heavily, shaking her head once again. "Right now, I just don't know what to do."

* * *

><p>A dinner reservation for the next night at seven at Cafe La Boheme. The most private table in the restaurant. It was the only call Hawk had made all day, and since it was now five, it was all Officer Gerald had to go on. Nothing suspicious had been said over the phone line he'd tapped from Hawk's office, but Officer Gerald was going to make a point to be at that restaurant anyway. He may very well bust Hawk early, if this all worked out. And if there really was anything sketchy about this reservation, anyway.<p>

It could just be a normal, casual night out for Hawk. But Officer Gerald suspected differently. Hawk wanted a private booth. Either he was taking a special lady out that he didn't want anyone to find out about, but then, why bother going to a fancy, popular restaurant at all? Officer Gerald was sure something was going to happen involving Hawk and one of his evil schemes at Cafe La Boheme tomorrow night.

And he was going to be there to see it. And then Hawk would be put away, taking Kendall's place in prison, once and for all.

* * *

><p>Carlos blinked back tears as he watched the cab transporting his mother to the airport grow to a small yellow dot in the distance, before turning a corner and disappearing from sight altogether. Carlos knew he would see her soon anyway, when they all went back to Minnesota in a week or less, once James was finally released and they had time to pack up their things at the Palm Woods. But he was still going to miss his mother.<p>

Carlos let his eyes drift to the ground as he wandered slowly back into the hospital. He hated how he was able to navigate through the automatic doors and into the waiting room without looking. It was a sad reminder of how much time had been spent here lately. More than too much. He could probably make it all the way to James' room with his eyes closed. But he wasn't in the mood to attempt that.

"Don't worry, it won't be long. You'll be seeing her again soon."

Carlos snapped his head toward Logan, startled, when said boy suddenly appeared beside him. Carlos sighed. "Yeah, but only because the band is no more."

Logan forced a weak smile. He'd been thinking a lot about it, too. No more Big Time Rush. Lately, Logan felt like it didn't even matter that he still had med school. After everything Hollywood had brought them, the good stuff anyway, he wasn't even so sure he wanted to be a doctor anymore. Of course, it had always been his dream- or so he had thought. But he'd also never known that music was his _passion. _Now that was over. And now, med school didn't seem like a desire. More like a something to fall back on. A second option. Now, though, Logan didn't have much other choice. It had to become reality. It wasn't that he was disappointed about going to become a doctor- though, he'd been around enough of those lately to make him want to wait quite a while- it was the circumstance under which he now _had _to become a doctor. And not wanting that more than anything else felt foreign to Logan. But he knew what it meant. It meant that he didn't want their musical career to be over. Ever.

But Logan didn't want to think about that anymore. Discussing his confusing musings wasn't what he'd came down to scope out out Carlos for. He had better news.

"They're letting James walk around. He's doing great, actually."

Carlos felt his spirits lift. Any good news about his friend was enough to make him smile, and he did.

"Yeah?"

"Mhmm. Walked around his entire room already while you were outside. He isn't getting dizzy or anything, so that's a good sign. And he isn't all emotionally numb like he was. The repression isn't as bad anymore. It's looking really good for him. The doctors see no reason to keep him any longer. One more night."

Carlos grinned. "Yes! Finally! I missed James so much. I know he's been right there and everything but...it's not the same, you know?"

Logan chuckled. "Yeah, I sure do know, Carlitos."

"Can we go see him?"

"Yeah. That' why I came to get you. Let's go."

Carlos instantly broke into a speed walk, maneuvering through nurses and gurneys and various other hospital related objects to get to the elevator, just cautious enough to be careful not to hit his shoulder on anything. He'd done that a few times already, and it was anything but fun. Logan followed close behind. It wasn't until they'd stepped off the elevator that Logan warned Carlos.

"He still is a little...emotionally distressed. So don't be upset if he isn't all happy. Or if he gets mood swingy. Okay? I know I said he isn't as bad as yesterday or at all like he was when he first woke up. But he's still a little...unpredictable."

Carlos nodded. He just wanted to see his friend. Maybe he could even cheer him up a little. It wasn't his birthday anymore; perhaps he'd be in a better mood. It was so backward, yet it made sense. In the hospital for your birthday. Carlos would have been bitter about it, too. At least James had liked his present.

Carlos bounded happily into the room and was glad when James smiled at him.

"James, yay!" Carlos was by James' bed in a millisecond, and was talking just as fast. "Logan says you're getting better and you get to go home tomorrow. Are you excited? I am. I know it won't be the Palm Woods for long, but Minnesota is still better than living in the hospital, right? Ooh, I see you got your lucky comb there. Is that why you're so happy? Not because you're seeing me?" Carlos pouted, hurt. He didn't like thinking that James liked his comb better than him. Carlos had gotten him a beautiful case to protect it with, after all.

James laughed. "Carlos, slow down. Yes, I'm a lot better, yes, I'm thrilled to be getting out of here finally, no, I'm not as upset as I was about leaving LA, and no, I'm happy to see you. My comb was just keeping me company until you got up here."

Carlos' pout was replaced by a smile in a flash, and Logan rolled his eyes good-naturedly as his childish friends rambled on. At least James did seem to be in a better mood. He was doing very well physically, that much was obvious, but Logan was still worried about an emotional relapse. He had actually chatted a bit with Dr. Anderson about it. The doctor had advised that James seek some form of counseling when they returned to Minnesota; he'd explained his understanding of how difficult that would be for not just James but all four boys. He'd recommended having a therapist come to the Diamond residences, and allow James' parents, be it both or just whoever James was with that week, to sit in. That would allow James to feel much more comfortable and safe. Dr. Anderson did however express a bit of worry on how the thought of _any _therapist, regardless of whether or not James' parents were there, would affect James. He very well may be fine with it; he may very well not be.

Dr. Anderson expressed the same concerns for Carlos. He knew the boy wasn't nearly as emotionally scarred as their friend, but the nightmares were still there. However, Logan noticed that they did seem to be getting less frequent, and Carlos' reaction to them less severe. There was a good chance they'd go away on there own, and soon. Logan really hoped, for his friend's sake, that they would.

It was Carlos, however, who had suggested to Logan discreetly, the possibility of him and James attending counseling together, with all four parents. Carlos figured he and James were more comfortable around each other than they were with anyone else, and they'd gone through almost all of this together; they'd both been in the room when Clark had been killed and Carlos had been shot and James had been beaten. Logan had said maybe, but he knew the decision wasn't up to him.

Logan watched his two friends continue to converse, and his thoughts wandered to his other friend. The only one he couldn't keep an eye on, and it was driving him crazy. Kendall wouldn't be out of jail for almost two months. The thing was, Big Time Rush was no more, and therefore weren't making any money, and therefore could no longer afford to reside at the Palm Woods after this week was up. Bitters had already called Mrs. Knight several times about that fact, not seeming to take into consideration their unusual and uncontrollable predicament, or simply not caring.

The point was, there was nowhere for them to stay in LA; the rent was up Sunday. Today was Wednesday. They really didn't have any choice but to go back to Minnesota.

And there was no getting Kendall transferred to the small community jail there. Logan wasn't sure what Mrs. Knight was going to do, but for himself, James, Brooke, and Carlos, there was no other choice.

They had to go home. Without Kendall.

* * *

><p>Kendall sat quietly in his cell, awaiting Hammer's return. Horrible as it seemed, having to be this way, Kendall actually sort of...liked Hammer. It was brutal, meeting someone you get along with by sharing a prison cell with them. But it was better than being left on the outs- safer, too.<p>

_What would be even better would be not being in here at all._

But Kendall had come to terms with his situation. He was in prison, and Officer Gerald was currently undergoing an uncover mission to spring him. It was all Kendall could hope for at the moment, since wishing on a star that he couldn't even see out his non-existent window certainly wouldn't cut it.

Kendall's heart had fluttered a bit, in a good way, when the guard had approached his and Hammer's cell. He'd thought it was news from Officer Gerald for sure. But no such luck. The other blond delinquent had been led from the cell.

Now Kendall glanced up from where he had been idly tracing his finger around his shoe. The slightest of sobs was what alerted him to his cell mate's return. The guard that guided him back into the cell looked almost sympathetic. Almost. Then he was gone.

Kendall studied the cell's other occupant. His eyes looked slightly shiny, like they were tear-filled, but Hammer wasn't quite crying. In fact, he was regaining composure, it seemed. His slouched shoulders went rigid. He shook his head slowly.

And Kendall knew he was still a good person when he felt concern.

"Hey...everything alright?" he questioned.

Hammer just continued moving his head back and forth. When he spoke, it was distantly, like he didn't realize Kendall was there.

"It ain't that big a deal. We was never really close...But he's still..." Hammer trailed off.

Kendall cleared his throat to let the other man know that he was there, and he was listening. "Hammer. Who? What isn't a big deal? What happened?"

Hammer sighed. He spoke nearly too lowly for Kendall to hear, but Kendall was just able to make out the words.

"I just found out my brother's dead."

Kendall was taken aback. Sure, he knew what death in the family was like. It had happened with his own father. And Kendall remembered, somewhat, how people had acted around him for a while after, how he'd been comforted. But this was different. He had never been the one to do the comforting in such a grim situation, especially not with someone he hardly knew. So Kendall sat there a moment, to see if Hammer would do or say anything else. He didn't. Kendall knew it was time to react.

He cleared his throat. "Hammer I-I'm so sorry. I...honestly, I don't what to say. I know how you're feeling. But I can't really-"

"He was shot by the god damn cops." Hammer's eyes were darkening, no longer brimming with sorrow. Now the blue irises were glinting and fiery with anger.

"Same fuckers who put me in here went an' killed my brother. Last week it was, too. Didn't even have the decency to lemme know right away. Said some shit about needin' to get a story cleared. Whatever the hell he was involved with." Hammer was shaking his head again.

"Screwed up thing is, I ain't got no clue what he'd ever 'a done wrong. He's a- well, guess '_was' _now- he _was_ a therapist. Helped people out. So I'd love to know just what the _hell _he did to get himself shot and killed. Or what he was wrongly accused of. It just don't make any god damn sense."

Hammer emitted a deep, frustrated growl and flung himself onto his bunk. "Whatta fuckin' life." And without another word, the twenty-two year old pulled his pillow over his head and was still.

He had no idea that Kendall's eyes were about to pop from their sockets. Had no clue that Kendall was probably never going to be able to close his huge 'O' of a mouth again. No suspicion as to why Kendall's heart was pounding and jumping and fluttering and electrifying his entire body with shock. Because he hadn't seen. Hammer had no idea. No idea that he had just indirectly told Kendall who his brother was.

Hammer didn't know that he was cell mate's with his brother's victim's best friend.

* * *

><p>Bam. This chapter. Is a chapter. That should have been done a very long time ago.<p>

Yes.


	40. Free

**Argh. I don't know what I'm doing. With my life. Anymore. o.O Oh holidays, how you make me hate myself.**

**I would like to take this time to pre-apologize for the shortness and utter lameness of this chapter. Cause it really sucks.**

**K. Go enjoy.**

Breakdown

Chapter 40: Free

James frowned as he was pushed down the hall in his wheelchair. He hated the whole wheelchairs-being-a-regulation-no-matter-how-fine-you-are thing. He was fine. But it didn't matter. And now he looked like an invalid in front of the entire waiting room.

But James couldn't stay mad for too long. Once checked out, he could abandon the useless wheelchair and _walk. _Walk right out of the hospital, for the first time in almost two weeks.

James was thrilled to be out at long last. He'd almost forgotten what LA looked like on the outside of this dreary place. The outside world, where people walked by themselves, and smiled, and lived happily. So unlike the white room he'd been confined to for what seemed to him like forever.

But another part of James was very upset. He got to leave the hospital, only to also leave the Palm Woods in a few days. And he thought it was going to be weird getting back out into LA. Minnesota was going to feel alien to him.

Ultimately, though, James thought maybe this was a good thing, leaving. Not quitting, really, since they'd been pretty much fired by Griffin. Given up on, would be more precise. And even though that was nothing to brag about, at least James and the guys didn't have to say they were quitters. Hawk may have damaged them real bad, but he never forced them from town, never scared them away from the music industry. And even though James still shook with rage when he thought about the vile man, he was glad he could say he hadn't given up on Big Time Rush. None of them, even after everything they had gone through.

Which was exactly why James thought them leaving this town and going back home may not have been such a horrible, devastating thing. Everything they had been through. It was time for a break. A well earned, desperately needed break. It was just the fact that it may very well and probably would be a permanent one that soured James' feelings about the whole deal.

But he hadn't expected to become famous in the first place. None of them had. So maybe, just maybe, with a little hope and luck, another new beginning was on the horizon.

"Ready, sweetie?"

James blinked himself out of his reverie and glanced up at his mother. The release forms were passing from her hand to the receptionist's. He was good to go.

James smiled. And for once, it wasn't forced. Despite everything that had gone down, everything that was still to come, he actually felt somewhat happy. And while he knew that this blessed feeling would more than likely be dissipated in a few hours, for now, it was enough to get him by.

* * *

><p>The Palm Woods looked nicer than it ever had to James. The palm trees looked taller, the grass in front looked greener, the pool looked more inviting, and the lobby looked cheerier. All just a reminder that it wasn't going to be part of their lives anymore.<p>

"Well, here we are," Logan murmured as they made there way through the main entrance. He sighed, just soft enough that no one would hear him. He was really going to miss this place.

"Just like old times," Carlos added. Then, "Well, sorta. Actually, no, not at all. We're missing Kendall."

Jennifer winced. It was all she could do not to think about her son, how he was faring. Impossible not to play scenarios in her mind over and over again. She was going to lose it, she really was.

The group headed up the elevator, Kendall-less, none of them speaking. Too many thoughts. No way to put all them into words.

It seemed to take a long time to get to 2J, but get there they did, and Mrs. Knight unlocked and opened the door.

Instantly James was replaying memories in his head, ones of all the great times he'd had in here with the guys. He knew he was lucky enough to get to take those memories with him back home, probably the only thing he could keep, but it wouldn't be the same. They could never relive those moments. The memories would hurt him more than anything else.

Logan got a flash of memory, too. But unlike James, his wasn't of happy times. His recollection was chilling, of the only truly horrible thing to happen in 2J. All at once Logan could envision Hawk, standing there in the middle of the kitchen, eying the knife in Logan's hand. The same memory that had plagued Logan every time he entered the apartment since the day it happened. And like every other time, Logan barely managed to hide a shudder. Maybe he'd start having creepy flashbacks and nightmares like James and Carlos, and wouldn't that be a disaster?

But Logan could hold himself together. He had to. And he would.

Suddenly James laughed. It was unexpected, and it freaked the others out. What could possibly be funny?

"It all seems so wrong. Like I shouldn't be here," James explained without prompting. "Like I wasn't ever gonna come back here again. I guess we should be enjoying our last few days while they last. But that's not going to happen, is it?"

The question made everyone uncomfortable. Of course they weren't going to be able to enjoy their little bit of remaining time. If Kendall were there, then yes, maybe. It wasn't that they were leaving. It wasn't that the band was done. They'd come to terms with that. It hadn't been easy, but they had. What it was that was going to make cherishing these last few days so impossible was them not all being together.

None of them knew about Officer Gerald's undercover assignment. If they had, they'd all be hoping and wishing and praying that by the time seven o'clock rolled around, the possibility of Kendall being with them would stand a chance.

* * *

><p>"Show time."<p>

Officer Mills nodded at her partner as she placed the final item in her large black purse. "You know, this almost feels more like a stakeout than an undercover assignment. A very public stakeout." She made sure to keep her voice low as she and Officer Gerald sauntered into Cafe La Boheme.

Gerald smiled grimly, adjusting his tie quickly and fluidly. "Whatever it takes to catch this guy."

The partners were escorted to their table by the waiter who assumed they were a married couple out for dinner. Just as everyone else in the restaurant would figure. Nothing at all odd or unusual about it. And nobody, not even Hawk, would recognize Gerald as the electrician who'd secretly tapped into his office's phone lines.

The two undercover officers took their seats at the elegant table and nodded their thanks to their waiter who informed them that he would be back in a minute to take their orders.

"And what exactly are we expecting to get from this man tonight?" Officer Mills asked her fellow officer as she pretended to study the impressive menu.

Officer Gerald casually glanced around as he answered quietly. "Anything. We may get nothing. But if anything at all seems out of the ordinary, we get closer."

Officer Mills nodded. They had to be sharp. She was used to that. So was Gerald. So were all of their officers, of course. Trained for this.

The waiter returned after only a few minutes as promised, and the personified couple ordered without much thought of what food they were requesting. The waiter scribbled down their orders and was off once more.

Another few minutes later, a thin black man in a grey suit and ever-present dark sunglasses ambled in, a tall, dark-haired man following behind.

Officer Gerald's eyes met those of Officer Mills.

_Now _it was show time.

* * *

><p>"Kendall, man, I hope I ain't like, dampenin' your mood or whatever. I'm just... I didn't even know they told ya these things when you're locked up. Figured findin' out when ya get released would be like additional punishment or somethin'. Ya know?" Hammer sighed. "Guess it doesn't matter anyways; me and him weren't that close..."<p>

Hammer rambled on about how he hardly ever saw his brother, and how even as kids, what with the eleven year age difference, they didn't play together or even ever go to the same school. Kendall didn't pay attention. He didn't want to hear it. Didn't want to hear anything about that man. The man who was responsible for Kendall being here. The man who was at fault for all the shit the other guys were going through.

And now someone was actually mourning his death. And that someone was the person Kendall was stuck with for a while. The _brother _of _Clark._

It was like a horror movie. Just when things can't seem to get any worse, they do. But this was extreme.

Now Kendall was flinching every time Hammer spoke, suddenly so reminded of the guy's evil brother. Kendall kept expecting Hammer to somehow find out the truth about his brother's death, and how Kendall was linked to it, and go berserk and murder him with his ever-loved tool that, in Kendall's horrified reverie, Hammer managed to inexplicably get a hold of.

Worse, Kendall envisioned his cell-mate transforming into his brother, and slowly torturing him until Kendall begged for death by a hammer.

And now Hammer was talking about him non-stop, and Kendall was curled up in the corner of the cell, and he couldn't get out of here, and the guards were looking at him funny and-

"Hey, kid, what's wrong with you?"

Kendall blinked. His chest felt tight. He realized he was breathing harshly, raggedly. Hyperventilating.

"I dunno what happened, I was just talkin' to him. That's all. He's freakin' out, man."

Kendall's breathing slowed as he looked up at the guard. Anyone but Hammer. Any other face, any other voice.

"You alright there...Kendall, is it?"

Kendall nodded weakly, sucking in another breath as his vision cleared. "I'm sorry. I-I'm fine." The full-body tremors, which he only now noticed, lessened. His tightened muscles loosened and relaxed.

The guard inspected Kendall closely for a moment before he spoke again. "We've had people fake panic attacks before so they could try to escape on the way to the infirmary. But I don't think you're one of those guys."

Kendall shook his head. "No. But I don't need to go. I uh..." But Kendall didn't know what to say. He didn't want to be in here with Clark's brother, but he knew he wouldn't be allowed to leave his cell for anything less than a medical emergency. Plus, he had no idea how to explain his mini panic attack.

"How bout I just get you some water?" the guard suggested, and Kendall decided he liked him.

Kendall nodded. "Thank you."

The guard nodded curtly before stalking off to retrieve the water.

Kendall leaned back against the hard bars of the cell, trying to keep his gaze averted from Hammer's, but the other man obviously didn't understand that people want space when they're freaking out. The blonde got up close to Kendall, leaning in toward him.

And then he whispered in Kendall's ear, and Kendall wasn't sure if it was Hammer's chilly breath against his neck or his words that made him shudder.

"I know the truth."

Kendall choked on saliva and air and tried to jerk away from Hammer, but with his back against the corner of the cell, there was nowhere to go.

Instead, Hammer backed away, looking startled.

"Dude, what the hell is the matter with you?"

"J-just stay away from me."

Hammer frowned, hurt and confused. "I just asked what was up with you," he muttered, turning away and collapsing onto the bunk.

Kendall stared at him for a second until he was creeped out at the way his features seemed to meld into Clark's, and he shook his head quickly as he looked away. The guard brought the water, creating a short temporary distraction, and when he took away the empty cup, Kendall mulled it over.

_I know the truth._

_What's up with you?_

Truth. You. Close enough.

Kendall sighed. He wanted to close his eyes, but he wanted even more to watch his back.

Paranoid. That was what he was being. Just a bad case of paranoia. Hammer didn't know, _couldn't _know. And if he did, surely he'd have already done something by now.

Or maybe he was waiting for the most opportune moment...

Kendall shook his head quickly. No. He couldn't let the paranoia get to him like this. There was no way Hammer was going to find out unless Kendall himself told him. Which was the last thing that was going to happen.

_Three days in and I'm already losing it. I'm never going to make it two more months._

Kendall prayed that wherever he was and whatever was happening, Officer Gerald was closing in on what he needed to take Hawk down.

* * *

><p>Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was a quarter to eight, and so far no suspicious activity had roused from Hawk's table at all. It had been forty-five minutes; surely Hawk and his associate weren't going to stay much longer. They were just so out in the open that it was driving the officers insane. They both <em>knew <em>something was going to happen tonight, and they could _not _miss it.

Officer Gerald was facing the direction of the table, and despite that fact that a giant plant with full leaves was obscuring a good amount of his vision of the subject of this mission, he could see when the waiter headed over to the table with the check.

"I say we should get out of here," Officer Gerald suggested smoothly.

Officer Mills nodded her agreement. The waiter passed their table on the way from Hawk's, and Officer Mills politely asked for their check.

"The service here is refreshingly quick," Officer Mills commented offhandedly, and Officer Gerald knew what she was hinting at. Their food had come impressively swiftly; surely it would take no time for the waiter to return with the check, and the two undercover cops' departure from the restaurant would be timed perfectly; not too far behind Hawk and his associate to lose sight of them, yet not too close to arouse suspicion of their own.

Surely enough, by the time the check had been paid and the officers were pushing in their chairs, Hawk and the other man had just walked out the doors.

"There is no doubt in my mind that they are up to something," Officer Gerald said lowly as they made their way out of the restaurant. He spotted the two men a little ways down the street; fortunately there didn't seem to be many people out tonight, which would make keeping track of them a little easier.

Officer Mills slipped her hand into that of her partner, and the two wandered casually down the road, playing the part of a couple in love, just taking a stroll, should either of the men ahead turn around.

They followed in silence for a minute until Hawk and dark-haired man turned down an alley.

"Where're you going?" Gerald murmured. He took his hand from Officer Mills' and readied his grip on his gun, hidden beneath his jacket in his waistband. A holster would have been too obvious.

Officer Mills reached toward her gun as well, and both officers whipped them out as they turned the corner into the alley.

The two targets were near the end of the alley. Officer Gerald crouched behind the dumpster near the entrance of the alley while Officer Mills stay behind the wall. Gerald watched the men turn left at the end of the alley before waving his partner forward.

Both officers lowered their guns and crept down the alley.

They safely followed Hawk without incident to a fairly large, long-abandoned house that stood alone on its street. All the other houses that used to line the road had burned down long ago in a wild fire, but this particular house hadn't been affected as badly; it had always stood apart from the other houses, and now remained standing as the only house on the rarely used street. And sure enough, this was where Hawk and the dark-haired man left the sight of the officers, as they entered the house.

The officers moved forward, heading silently closer to the house.

The house had been completely dark when Hawk and friend had entered. Now a light went on, emanating from the windows at ground level. The basement. And as luck would have it, two boxes were stacked right up against the shattered window. The small slit of space between them allowed Officer Gerald to see into the basement, but wouldn't allow anyone inside to see out.

And as Officer Gerald knelt low to the ground, he discovered that through the tiny slit, he could see exactly what he needed to see.

The window was broken too, allowing sound to drift out to the officers.

"So sad this is what my life has come to," Hawk was saying to his associate. "Is it not sad, Marco, that my career is no longer about creating fame; rather, destroying it?"

Gerald couldn't see the dark-haired man, now known to him as Marco, but he could hear his suave voice reply "Yes, boss, very sad indeed."

_Boss. _So this Marco was like a new Clark, the officers realized. Damn, how many of these hench men did Hawk have?

"But I've grown to like this much better than my desperate, failed attempts at beating Gustavo Rocque out of the music business. This is more...fun."

Officer Gerald was disgusted with Hawk's idea of fun. Because this sick "fun" of his was clearly torture. And Gerald knew this because there in the basement with Hawk and Marco, tied to a chair, looking very dehydrated, malnourished, sick, exhausted and scared, was a boy. He could be no older than eighteen, yet he looked so much younger with fear-crazed eyes and his features slightly obstructed by the gag that was silencing him.

Officer Gerald motioned to Officer Mills. She hurried to the front door of the old ruined house. The door was slightly ajar; the house was so damaged it wouldn't close properly.

Officer Mills stepped silently through the house in search for the basement, while Gerald waited outside. As soon as Officer Mills burst into the basement, so would he, via the window. Both exits would be covered.

Officer Gerald continued to listen to the conversation between the two horrendous men.

"I personally never...eliminate...the rival talent. Just rough them up a bit. And this one here-" Hawk patted the restrained teen on the cheek, rougher than necessary, and the boy tried to flinch away. "-hasn't gone big yet. But he's got that star quality to go solo, don't you think, Marco?"

"Yes boss, he does."

"But he refuses to work under my label. Apparently he's heard I have quite a reputation. And not a good one. If I can't have him to mold into a star and build up my cred, no one can."

And then Hawk picked up the knife. He did that just as Officer Mills kicked down the basement door. Just as Officer Gerald swung through the window.

Officer Mills already had her gun pointed at Hawk; Gerald leveled his at Marco.

"Drop the weapon," the female officer ordered.

The knife-wielding Hawk's features morphed from shock to arrogance as he began to speak.

"Or what, Officer? You'll shoot me? Shoot me dead just like you did my former accomplice?" Hawk chuckled evilly.

"Sir, put the weapon down!"

"I don't think that's going to be happening."

"Sir, I will shoot!"

Hawk shot a quick glance at Marco from the corner of his eye. Marco shook his head slowly, and Hawk's face took on a look of rage.

"IT ISN'T READY? !" Hawk roared, and Officer Mills repeated her warning. Hawk completely disregarded it.

"THAT GRENADE WAS OUR TICKET OUT OF HERE!"

"Sir! I suggest you shut up and drop your weapon!"

"YOU FOOL! YOU IMBECILE! YOU-" Too enraged to continued screaming, Hawk instead, quick as a flash, plunged the knife into Marco's chest. Officer Mills' gun went of a millisecond later.

Hawk's lifeless body fell to the floor. He was, in every sense of the word, dead.

Officer Mills moved to untie the hostage, while Officer Gerald took Marco's pulse. It stopped right beneath the cop's fingers. The knife had hit his heart. Dead. Both dead.

Officer Gerald glanced back at Hawk, the blood seeping from the hole in the middle of his forehead. At his still chest. At his already paling face. The cop slid his gun back into his waistband and moved to check Hawk's pulse. As expected, none.

Gerald just stared at the face. The face that had moments ago been sneering menacingly at the teen hostage, now shaking and gasping in Officer Mills' arms. The face that was still scabbed and bruised from Kendall's attack. The face with the eyes that would never open again. Officer Gerald just stared at this face and said one satisfying sentence.

"_Exactly_ like your former accomplice."

* * *

><p>"Kendall Knight, come with me please."<p>

Kendall's head snapped up to see the guard who'd given him water yesterday opening the cell door. The young prisoner wasted no time hurrying from the cell and away from...he didn't even want to think about who Hammer was.

But being led by the guard to wherever they were going made Kendall nervous. Hammer had been summoned from the cell only to learn that his...that someone in his family was dead. What is Hawk had gotten to _his _family, _his _friends?

The thought hit Kendall so suddenly and so hard that he was about to start crying until he saw Officer Gerald.

Relief suddenly washed over him. Kendall hadn't even heard the words yet, but he just _knew _they were going to be good.

"O-Officer..."

Gerald nodded at Kendall. "It's done."

Kendall's eyes widened as the meaning of the words dawned upon him, and his knees went weak. Yes. He was right. It was done.

"Hawk is dead. We've discovered more about Hawk's violent background and previous crimes, and due to the nature of his crimes and to your reaction to what he did to your friend, and also due to the crime he was in the process of committing last night, I have managed to coup the sympathy of the Chief. Your sentence has been reduced...to zero days."

Kendall just stared at the Officer as a smile slowly broke onto the older man's face. He hadn't expected this. Not this soon. Hardly at all. Hoped for it, prayed for it, yes. Every hour. And now it was really happening. The enemy was dead. Gone forever. And Kendall was free. He was going home to Minnesota with his friends. He was getting away from the reminder in his cell. Leaving it all behind.

As Officer Gerald smiled at Kendall, and Kendall fell into a chair, and other officers walked around, Kendall blocked everything out and just _breathed. _Because it was over. For real this time. The person who kept hurting them could never do that again.

He breathed because it was all he could do in this overwhelming moment.

Kendall just breathed because he could; because he was free.

Because they all were free.

* * *

><p><strong>So! Novel contest news! Yeaaahhhhh!<strong>

**For those of you who care, I did...not...go to Ottawa in the top fifty. So. Yeah. That's all I know. Yay. **

**I know things probably got a bit confusing near the end with the whole scene in the basement, but it'll all be explained next chapter, I promise. **

**Also, I utterly, totally, and completely bull shitted that entire ending of why Kendall got out. Cause...I didn't know. What else to do. And it's my story. So. This chapter is stupid ahhhhh!**

**Alright, so I know I've said a bunch of times throughout the course of this story "The next chapter is the last one", "I'm ending this soon" and whatever. But this time I'm serious. Next chapter IS the REAL last one.**

**So be prepared. I'm sure you'll have a lot of time to do that.**

**;)**


	41. New Beginning

**Alright guys, this is it. The final chapter ever of Breakdown. Finally. And there'll be a long spiel at the end so...**

**Congrats for making it this far!**

Breakdown

Chapter 41: New Beginning

Kendall mulled over everything Officer Gerald had told him. The cop was driving Kendall to the Palm Woods in his squad car, and it was no less than a twenty minute drive. Kendall had plenty of time to comprehend it all.

Gerald had told Kendall that Hawk had been shouting something about a grenade before killing his accomplice, Marco. The officers had searched the old house but had found nothing. They could only assume that Marco was supposed to have had a grenade at the ready to blow up the house with after they'd killed the up-and-coming pop star that had been tied up in the basement.

"Our best guess is that when we showed up, Hawk figured they'd just throw the grenade, hope it slowed us down, and they'd try to make their escape," Gerald had explained. "And when Marco admitted he didn't have it ready, Hawk snapped and killed him. I believe he's always been a deeply disturbed man."

As if the boys didn't already know that.

But it didn't matter anymore. Because the deeply disturbed man was nothing more than a corpse now.

"Still processing?" The officer's voice broke into Kendall's thoughts. Officer Gerald's eyes flicked up to meet Kendall's in the rear-view mirror.

"Uh, yeah. It's a bit much to take in," Kendall admitted. "Did you get a hold of my mom?"

"I wasn't sure if you'd want to do that yourself."

Kendall leaned back in the seat and considered. Surprising them by arriving at 2J out of nowhere would be such a great feeling. Besides, they were almost already there. No point in calling.

It was going to be crazy explaining everything to them all when he could hardly wrap his head around it himself. But as long as he'd be with them, he would be just fine.

Kendall smiled. It felt so good to smile again.

"She'll find out soon enough."

* * *

><p>James sighed as he stuffed another pair of jeans into one of his eight suitcases, wincing as a wave of pain washed over him. He still got random headaches from the concussion he'd suffered, and every now and then he'd accidentally tug at his stitches if he moved the wrong way, but the pain was manageable. He just had so much stuff to pack and he was getting sore and tired already.<p>

Everything he needed to live was here with him at the Palm Woods. And now it was all being hauled back to Minnesota with him. Where his life would start once again. Back to Minnesota once more. Permanently, this time. Gustavo wasn't going to be coming back for them again. Griffin probably wouldn't even allow it.

James glanced up sadly at Carlos, who was busy in his own little world, mechanically folding clothing items. He was being neat for once, something he only did when he was upset.

"Carlos..."

The Latino boy looked up, attempting a faint smile.

"Yeah buddy?"

But James didn't say anything, simply stared at the pile of belongings on his bed. The bed that was only his for three more nights.

Carlos easily sensed his friend's gloominess and pain and crossed the room to sit on the cluttered bed beside him.

"Maybe you should take a little break," he suggested. "I am, too. My arm's bothering me. I can't imagine how you must feeling."

James just tapped his foot on the floor and remained silent. He stared blankly at his suitcase, looking but not seeing. He fell into a daze. All and any thoughts left his mind, and he just sat there, still as a statue, almost as if he'd fallen asleep with his eyes open. He was so lost in this nothingness that he didn't realize that Carlos had left the room until he heard him shout.

James jolted alert, launching himself off the bed and tottering slightly from getting up too quickly. But he heard more shouts, and he hurried from his room as he regained his balance, and hustled down the hall as fast as he could.

The shouts turned to cheers of joy, and out of nowhere Carlos appeared, grinning widely, eyes lit up with elation. "James, oh man, come quick!"

And Carlos grabbed James by the wrist and led him the rest of the way down the hall.

Before James saw him, he heard a loving "Oh, Kendall" from Mrs. Knight, and he knew.

There, in the middle of a group hug from his mother, sister, James' mother, and Logan, stood the tall blonde, eyes lifting to meet James'. His impossibly large smile grew even more.

Everything was suddenly like a tape on fast forward. There was a swirl of colours and laughs and movement, and the next thing James knew, he was joined into the group hug, all of his pain suddenly gone, and Kendall was speaking from right next to him.

"I wasn't letting you guys leave without me."

No, and they never would have gone without him. Because though they were no longer a boy band, they were still a band of brothers. They'd stuck together, through thick and thin, through the good and the bad, they'd always been together, in Minnesota to LA, and back and forth again. And they were right when they'd always said that nothing was going to stop them. Not even losing their career was going to slow down their lives. It was going to change it, sure, but it wasn't going to end it. And it wasn't going to end their friendship, either. Because the special bond the four boys shared was forever.

From the middle of the circle, Kendall spoke up again.

"I guess I have a lot of explaining to do, huh?"

* * *

><p>Everyone, save for Kendall, wore looks of horror as Kendall finished telling them about how he found out that his prison cellmate had been Clark's brother.<p>

"You know, I really hate admitting this, but I was pretty scared."

"I can only imagine," Jennifer gasped, reaching for her son's hand. "If _he _ever found out...who knows what he would have done. I can't even-" She trailed off, not wanting to think about the possibilities.

"Well, I'm out now, that's all that matters. It's over. Officer Gerald, he...I don't think I will ever be able to thank him properly. What he did for me was just...so... incredibly amazing." Kendall smiled. Even after he'd thanked the cop for what had to be at least the eighth time, the teen still felt like he owed the cop, somehow. Officer Gerald had fought to get that undercover assignment cleared, but in the end, there was nothing more Kendall could do than thank him time and time again. He was leaving this town. No time for favors. Not that the officer would have expected or even allowed that. But Kendall had made darn sure that Gerald knew just how truly grateful he really was, and would always be.

"Anyway," he continued, shaking out of his thoughts. "The really horrible part is how Hawk had a boy in that basement. Officer Gerald can't tell me what the boy said, about how long he'd been there and what Hawk had done to him, but just the fact that Hawk had kidnapped him and was planning on killing him...and all because the kid didn't want to work for Hawk. It's just...so disgusting. Hawk was about to ruin another innocent teenager's life." Kendall sighed, shaking his head slowly. "I wish I would have got to meet that guy."

The other boys nodded in understanding and agreement. That boy could have ended up just like James, for absolutely no reason other than the fact that he unwillingly got involved with the sicko that was Hawk.

Brooke, who had been listening quietly and thoughtfully, broke in. "It's just so sad," she mused softly, a rare tone for her, "that people in this world get away with that. I understand how it feels to be a parent whose child is in that situation. It's the most helpless feeling. I think no one should mourn Hawk."

A heavy somberness settled over the room as everyone silently agreed. Anyone who felt bad about Hawk's death either didn't know the truth about him, or was just as screwed up as he was and probably deserved death as well. Everyone in 2J at that moment felt only relief from the man's life ending.

Kendall sensed the tension in the air. The high of Kendall returning unexpectedly was fading fast, and Kendall didn't want the mood to dampen even further, so he quickly launched into the story of how light he felt when he found out his life behind bars was over.

Jennifer wiped the tears from her eyes at the conclusion of Kendall's story of how he was released. But for the first time in quite a while, her tears were not those of despair; rather, ones of joy. She had her other baby back, and she wasn't letting go. They could go back home now, as a family. All of them.

But they still had three days left. Plenty of time to throw a goodbye party.

And just enough time to say those last few sad goodbyes.

* * *

><p>"It's too bad it had to be such a great <em>'Goodbye' <em>party," Camille quipped as she and Jo helped the boys tidy up the apartment.

It was their last full day at the Palm Woods. Tomorrow they would be leaving. The 'Goodbye' party _had _been loads of fun. Even though it symbolized a sad event, everyone had had fun anyway.

After the cake fight and the small farewell gifts and the pool jam session, the boys had said goodbyes to their Palm Woods friends; Guitar Dude, the Jennifers, Stephanie, Tyler, Katie's friend Kyle, Budda Bob, and many others. Even Bitters had come, though he unconvincingly argued it was to give a very happy farewell to the boys, and to make sure they didn't completely destroy 2J. Gustavo and Kelly had, of course, attended as well.

But now the party was over, and it was time for the final two goodbyes. The two hardest goodbyes Logan and Kendall had to make.

"We _have _always been kinda on again off again," Camille admitted. Logan took the used paper plate from her hand and set it down.

"Camille." He inhaled deeply. He hadn't thought it would be this hard. It was true, what Camille had said. Their relationship had never felt official. They weren't really exclusive like Jo and Kendall. But Logan knew for sure, that, despite the constant break ups and make ups, and the make out sessions when they were supposed to be 'off again', whether or not he felt it right in that moment, at one point or another, he had loved Camille.

And so, accepting those feelings made this that much harder.

"Camille, I never thought I'd fall for the crazy, kooky actress. I might even say you- kinda scared me when we first met. But once I started hanging out with you more, I realized that you're not just completely insane-" Logan's warm smile showed Camille that he was joking. "-But you're also sweet and generous and funny and beautiful."

Camille reached for Logan's hand as he continued.

"And I hate that it's taken me until now to realize how I really feel about you. I _really _like you, Camille. But...I'm not so sure we can make a long distance relationship work. I mean, who knows, next year I could be going to med school in the next state over, and you could be traveling halfway across the world for a movie." Logan shrugged, suddenly unsure of what to say.

Camille smiled affectionately at him as she took over. "Logan, I know I haven't exactly been perfect girlfriend material, but you and I have always had a..._special _connection." She said 'special' as though she thought it was funny. "And I've definitely liked you. A lot. And then not liked you. But you've always been so good to me, and I can't express how close I think I've been to falling in love with you. But, to be totally honest, I...I never thought we were meant to be." She paused, smiling hesitantly, as she awaited Logan's reaction.

Logan smiled back. "You know? We probably would have worked out better as really good friends. I don't think I could handle much more slap-kisses." Camille laughed, and he found joining in irresistible.

A comfortable silence settled between them as their laughter died down and they gazed into each other's eyes. They both leaned in, and their lips met, and they melded into one.

It was Logan's favourite kiss, by far. Passion erupted and he could feel it tingling down his spine. But then it was over.

Logan had hardly pulled back when he heard the _smack! _and felt the sharp sting in his cheek. But for once, he didn't mind.

Camille chuckled cutely and pulled Logan in for one final, quick peck.

"That one's for the road," she said suavely, and turned with a sparkle in her eyes and bounded from the apartment without another word.

Logan watched her go as he unconsciously lifted a hand to his cheek. He stared at the door where she had just been for a minute, until he felt the smile creep slowly across his face.

"Man, I'm gonna miss that girl."

* * *

><p>"I know this sounds really cheesy, but I guess it was just meant to be this way." Jo smiled sadly as she gazed up at Kendall. His green eyes met hers, but they lacked the sparkle they were usually brightened with whenever he was with Jo. This was so hard, for both of them.<p>

"I wasn't going to go to New Zealand with you in jail. It'd be like I was abandoning you. But you're out now, and you're leaving, too. And this is the proper goodbye I wanted. I can go now, knowing that we had our goodbye kiss."

Kendall held her close when she finished speaking. He just wanted to hold her here, in silence, for a while, before they made the goodbye final. Just wanted one more private moment with her before he left. Before she moved on, to New Zealand, for a huge movie deal she'd just been offered. Before they parted, possibly forever.

"You call me as soon as you get back from New Zealand," Kendall whispered into her soft hair. He felt Jo nod.

"Of course. Even after three years, I know I'll still love you."

Kendall pulled back so he could look into Jo's lovely eyes once again. "I will always love you, too. No matter what. No matter how much distance is between us, no matter how much time passes. You were my first love, Jo. I'll never forget that."

A solitary tear trailed down Jo's cheek as her smile grew sadder, and Kendall, hating to see that pain, desperately not wanting to _feel _that pain, pulled her in for a kiss.

Their last kiss. Their goodbye kiss. The kiss whose trace would forever remain on Kendall's lips.

At least, until he saw her again.

* * *

><p>"Well, that's the last of 'em." Logan exhaled and stretched his arms over his head after loading the last of his suitcases into the cab. They were officially loaded up and ready to leave.<p>

Jennifer and Brooke slid into the backseat of their cab, allowing the boys a final moment at the entrance of the Palm Woods.

It was early; the sun was still just rising, and it cast a beautiful orange-pink glow on the palm trees that lined the walkway to the front doors of the hotel the boys once called their home. They'd never seen the Palm Woods look so quiet and peaceful and inviting. But it wasn't their home anymore. It was soon to be just a memory. A memory of all the great times the guys had had in there. A memory of all the amazing people they'd meet while residing there.

A happy memory.

Carlos broke the long silence with a soft sigh. "Well, this is it. Our last glimpse at the best place in the world."

Logan smiled fondly at his friends. "For now."

"You think if we stare at it long enough it'll just fade away?" James mumbled rhetorically.

"No." Kendall shook his head, smiling. "No, it'll never be gone. None if it. But staring at it _will _just make this even harder. What we need to do now is get in the cab and not look back."

So they slowly turned away from the place they had once called their home. They got into the cabs. And they did look back. Of course they did. And even on the plane home to Minnesota, they continued looking back. Back on all the memories, the good and the not so good. Back on the friendships and the album and the tour and the romance and the lounging by the pool. The little fights, the bigger fights, the hard times and everything else.

These memories- those were what the boys got to keep. The only thing they could take home with them. And they were going to cherish those memories forever.

And nothing was going to change that.

* * *

><p><em>Six months later<em>

"So Carlos, you say you're officially nightmare-free."

"Yup," Carlos chirped happily. "Haven't had one in weeks. In fact, I'm not even scared to think about it anymore. But I still try not to do that," he added, earning a light chuckle.

"That is fantastic! I'm very pleased with the progress you've made."

Carlos beamed, then turned to his friend as the psychiatrist addressed him.

"And how about you, James?"

"Well, I don't feel like crying every time I see you."

Dr. Gilbert laughed, shaking her brunette head in amusement. She really loved these boys.

"I think that was only the first session."

James grinned. "I'm just glad you weren't offended."

"I understood perfectly. Now, how about you? Still having the dreams?"

James lowered his eyes as he nodded. Even after five and a half months of therapy-this time, from a trustworthy doctor, with his best friend and mother or sometimes father by his side- the dreams were still haunting his sleep. He was definitely getting better- they only occurred on average one night every other week. Way better than every night, like he'd had them for the first week they'd been back in Minnesota.

For the first couple of weeks after returning home, James had been a mess. He was torn with the decision of whether or not to go to therapy. He so desperately wanted to, to stop the nightmares, to help him heal from the PTSD of his last therapy sessions. But that was just it. The PTSD was preventing him from willingly stepping foot into another office, with another psychiatric doctor. But he'd been losing so much sleep that he'd finally made the decision. He figured that therapy couldn't make him any worse. Besides, his parents had promised to take turns going to every other session. They'd even gone together a couple of times. And one of Carlos' parents was always there as well. It made them feel very comfortable.

James' first session he'd been terrified, even though Carlos had been with him. They'd decided to go together, seeing as Carlos, too, was still having awful, vivid flashbacks. Carlos had been more than weary upon approaching their first session, but at least he hadn't hyperventilated in the waiting area like James had.

But they'd gotten through it, together, along with the help of their parents, who also attended every session. Now, both boys were extremely glad they were getting the help they knew they needed. Maybe they'd never be quite the same, never completely lose the gut-twisting fear whenever they saw a gun on TV. They'd always remember, always have something that reminded them, something that triggered those recollections. But the fear was dulled now. Smaller. Less effective. And it was all thanks to Dr. Gilbert. She truly was an amazing woman.

"I mean, they're definitely less severe," James explained. "Less frequent. Not so gruesome. I can always go right back to sleep after and not have it again." He paused, thinking. "It's just that I never really know when to expect one. So they always kinda through me for a loop. But I don't freak out anymore. I just have the dream, wake up, and forget about it. Other than that, I...I'm feeling good. Real good."

Dr. Gilbert smiled. These boys had come so far, both of them. "I am so glad to hear that. You're only making more and more progress as we go along. And you're making it quickly, believe it or not. Both of you have done exceptionally well so far. And with that, this session is over. Any last concerns or questions?"

Carlos shook his head, but James smiled slyly at the pretty, young therapist. "Actually, I have a major concern."

Dr. Gilbert nodded, worried. "Uh oh. What is it?"

"Well," James started in a low, suave voice. He waggled his eyebrows as he spoke. "We've been at this for almost six months, and I _still _don't have your number. My concern here is for _your _well-being."

"_James!" _Brooke scolded her son lightly, nudging him, while Carlos cracked up. How typical of his friend.

Dr. Gilbert laughed, too. She showed James her left hand. "Have you forgotten that I'm engaged, James?"

"I'm a wishful thinker."

Dr. Gilbert chuckled once again. "You boys are too much. I'll see you next week. And yes James, I'll still be engaged then."

The boys and their parents thanked her, and were on their way.

"Are we all sleeping at Kendall's?" Carlos asked his friend.

James nodded. "Yep. He said to be there at four."

"Awesome! See you in a few hours, buddy."

"Bye."

James smiled to himself as he got into the van with his mom. Hockey and a movie marathon-sleepover at Kendall's. They'd been having them every month since they'd been back. It felt so normal. It _was _normal. It didn't matter that the four best friends were no longer making music together. Because they were together almost every day, anyway. And that was what really made them happy.

James turned to his mom when he felt her squeeze his hand. Eyes still on the road, Brooke smiled.

"I'm so proud of you, James. You're doing great. It was very responsible of you to make this decision. I just want you to know that I'm always going to be right here. I love you."

James let his eyes fall shut as he leaned his head back. His smile grew. "I know, Mom. You don't need to remind me. I love you too. And...thanks."

This was all he needed. Family and friends. Los Angeles or Minnesota, as long as he was with the people he loved, he was home.

* * *

><p>James groaned and buried his head under his pillow. Didn't whoever was at the door understand that normal people like to sleep past 8:30 on the weekend?<p>

James stretched out on Kendall's couch. Now he knew he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep. James sighed. And he'd been having such a good dream.

The knocking continued. Finally James couldn't take it anymore. He lifted his head to throw his pillow at Kendall when he saw that Logan had just done so.

"_Kendall!" _the smart boy hissed.

Kendall must've forgotten he wasn't in his bed, and that his couch was much narrower. He rolled over and onto the ground, earning a yelp from Carlos when he was landed on.

"Hey!"

"Sorry," Kendall grumbled, pushing himself back up into a sitting position on the couch. He moved his gaze to glare at Logan, looking annoyed. "_What? !"_

"Someone's knocking," Logan informed.

Now Kendall groaned. "Seriously?"

"Did you not hear the knocking?" James questioned, tiredness evident in his voice.

The boys paused for a second. The knocking sounded again.

"Ugh, it's hardly nine. Who the heck would be here?"

"Carlos, did you try to order a pizza for breakfast again?"

"Hey, I was just as surprised when it came as you were!"

"Just go answer the door, Logan."

"Me? This is _your _house!"

Kendall sighed and slid lazily off the couch."Fine," he grumbled, shuffling slowly toward the door.

"Wait!" Kendall turned at James' cry, confused. The brunette was standing by the couch, clutching his pillow with a look of hopefulness in his hazel eyes.

"The last time we all answered the door here together..."

The other boys groaned. "James. How many times is that now? I'm sorry, but it's _not _Gustavo."

"I'm not saying it is!" James defended. "But who knows? Maybe someone's desperate and looking for a band to sign. We have experience. We'd be perfect!"

Logan sighed. "Yeah, experience with getting fired three times."

"Face it James, it's probably just my neighbour who got our mail by accident. Like it was the past three times."

"Or a pizza!"

"Carlos..."

James pouted, crossing his arms defiantly across his chest. "Fine. Whatever. But I'm answering with you."

Kendall shrugged. "Suit yourself. I'm not making fun of your bed head."

But for once, James didn't care. He wandered over to Kendall by the door, smirking at Logan and Carlos who followed behind him. "Knew you guys couldn't resist."

Kendall reached for the door handle. "This is stupid," he muttered, but his heart fluttered just a bit with hope. James had reacted this way every time someone knocked on any of their doors. He was getting his hopes up. The chance that he was right was so tiny, but then again, so was being chosen by Gustavo in the first place, right?

So maybe it was just his neighbour with their mail. Or maybe it was even a pizza. Could be an annoying early morning salesman. Those odds were more likely.

But however small the chance, there was still the possibility of it being something better. Someone who wanted to take them to the top once again. This could very well literally be the opening of the door to their future.

So the four boys crowded around and held their breath as Kendall swung the door open.

And standing on the other side was a new beginning.

The End

**Holy cheese. That's all I could think about while writing this. Just SO cheesy. But that's okay...**

**Ahem. Umm. I love you guys. Seriously. Everyone who reviewed or even just read a few chapters of this story. Especially those of you who stuck it out with me through quarter yearly updates at one point and plot twists and my novel contest and everything else. I wish I could thank you all personally, but there's just too many of you who made this worth writing. Honestly, I probably would have given up chapters back if it weren't for all the encouraging reviews and PM's and favourites. **

**So thank you all for making it to the end and for motivating me. I know it was a long journey, but you guys pushed me, and now it's done. At least, Breakdown is. But thanks to all the lovers of my story, I know I am going to be writing more. **

**So, thank you again, I know I can't stop saying that. It's been a blast and I wish you all the best in your own writing journeys.**

**RUSHERS FOREVER! **


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